Previous Episode Next Episode 

34Quotes from ‘A Suitcase Full of Cash and a Yellow Clown Car’

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: Money is a frequent source of conflict in a relationship.
Amy: Thankfully that's never been a problem for us.
Adult Sheldon: Says the woman who took away my comic book allowance.
Amy: Uh, to start a college fund for our children.
Adult Sheldon: Comic books are an investment.
Amy: There are better places to invest our money than that weird wolf man you like.
Adult Sheldon: His name is Wolverine and you know it.
Amy: Okay we're off on a tangent. I'm taking over. Money can be a source of conflict in a relationship, even having too much.
Adult Sheldon: Wh... Hey, this is my story.
Amy: I know. Jealous?

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: Today I thought we could talk about relationships, so I've invited my lovely wife Amy to help.
Amy: Thanks for letting me join in.
Adult Sheldon: Are you jealous when I do this without you?
Amy: No.
Adult Sheldon: Because one of the most common sources of conflict in relationships is jealousy. Now, Amy, did you know jealousy is triggered in the left part of the cerebral cortex?
Amy: I'm sorry, are you about to explain neuroscience to your wife, the Nobel Prize-winning neuroscientist?
Adult Sheldon: Yes. Jealous?
Amy: I'll tell you when there isn't a microphone in front of us.
Adult Sheldon: Ooh, mystery. That'll keep a relationship on its toes.
Amy: Your bathroom schedule is on the refrigerator. We have no mystery.
Adult Sheldon: Moving on, physical intimacy. I believe I said "physical intimacy," [title card changes] which can pose another challenge in relationships.
Amy: Especially when one partner doesn't want to be intimate as frequently as the other.
Adult Sheldon: Ooh, who are we talking about? [stammers] Don't tell me. Let the mystery continue.
Amy: Just read the next one.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Mom, savor this moment. Can you take me to church?
Mary: Uh, I'm a little busy. Can it wait?
Sheldon: No. I've come up with a plan to bolster RadioShack's market share, and I need to fax it to corporate.
Mary: I'll tell you what, I'll take it with me in the morning and do it then.
Sheldon: But our stock is in a slump, and CompUSA is nipping at our heels.
Mary: If you really want to be helpful, you could set the table.
Sheldon: Why should I help you with your job if you won't help me with mine?
Mary: Sheldon.
Sheldon: This is important. My plan is to turn RadioShack into a shopping destination, a megastore complete with restaurants and games and electronics. Kind of like Six Flags, except with less screaming and vomit.
Mary: I'm not taking you.
Sheldon: How can I be a business tycoon if my mommy won't drive me places?

Quote from Dale

Dale: You actually bought this thing?
Meemaw: It's fun, huh?
Dale: I feel like I'm riding in a banana.
Meemaw: Oh, come on. It's a beautiful day. The top is down. Feel that wind.
Dale: Yeah, I feel the wind. I just can't feel my feet.
Meemaw: Well, put your seat back.
Dale: If I put it any further back, I'd be in the trunk.
Meemaw: Starting to wish I had put you in the trunk. [Dale covers his mouth] What are you doing now?
Dale: Keeping the bugs out of my mouth.

Quote from George Jr.

Missy: I'm gonna bring a bunch to school.
George Jr.: How much you gonna charge for it?
Missy: Nothing. They're my friends.
George Jr.: You think Ronald McDonald let his friends eat for free?
Missy: Ronald McDonald isn't real.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: My mother would say money is the root of all evil. But she also said that about The Simpsons. I say money is just a medium of exchange, a way of transforming something into something else. My meemaw bought a sports car and transformed a relationship in the process. My sister transformed her money into a thriving business that was eventually shut down due to an infestation.
Missy: Ew.
Adult Sheldon: And for a brief moment, I became part of my dream company. Fun fact: later that year, RadioShack did open a megastore called Incredible Universe. Turned out the only thing incredible about it was how quickly it closed down. Oopsie.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: [on the phone] What do you mean, he hasn't read my fax? Is he aware I'm a shareholder? Well, where's the next shareholders' meeting? Fort Worth? I could barely get my mom to drive me to church.

Quote from Missy

Missy: So, I said 70 cents for one or two for a dollar, and everyone bought two.
George Jr.: People love a deal.
Missy: I know. I sold out.
George Jr.: Then you got to start charging more.
Missy: How much more?
George Jr.: Just raise the price a little at a time until you see your profits top out.
Missy: I'm learning, but it's fun. This is weird.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: You're the one who told me to go out and have fun with my money.
Dale: I meant something fun for us.
Meemaw: Why us? It's my money.
Dale: You made that perfectly clear.
Meemaw: It's just a car.
Dale: It's not just a car. I think you got scared.
Meemaw: Scared of what?
Dale: I was talking about our future, and you panicked.
Meemaw: I think I've got a successful business and my own money and you can't handle it.
Dale: Oh, really?
Meemaw: Yeah. Really.
Waitress: What can I get started for you?
Dale: Actually, I think we're leaving.
Meemaw: I'm not going anywhere.
Dale: I'll have the enchiladas.

Quote from Dale

Meemaw: Want to share a pitcher of margaritas?
Dale: Oh, something we can both enjoy? That doesn't sound like you.
Meemaw: I'm sorry, what?
Dale: Don't worry about it.
Meemaw: What, you-you just gonna sit there and pout and not tell me?
Dale: I was talking about us traveling together, and instead, you went out and bought a yellow clown car.

Quote from Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: While my sister was starting her business, I was trying to save mine.
Sheldon: [on the phone] Hello, this is Sheldon Cooper. May I speak to CEO John Roach, please? It's regarding our stock taking a small dip, and I'd like to hear his game plan. Well, I'm busy, too, but I made the time to call. Fine, may I please speak to your COO? CFO? CTO? Hello?

Quote from George Jr.

George Jr.: The point is, you shouldn't give this away for free.
Missy: How much would I even charge?
George Jr.: Hmm. How about 50 cents?
Missy: They only cost me, like, two cents to make.
George Jr.: Yeah, but you're not factoring in your time and the cost of the machine you bought and the value of the brainpower it took to think of butterscotch cotton candy.
Missy: Yeah. No one else thought of putting old-lady candy in a cotton candy machine. Why should they get it for free?
George Jr.: Welcome to business.
Missy: Thank you for having me.

Quote from Dale

Dale: Well, I got money in the bank, and you got some in a suitcase. Well, we could put it together, we could travel, we could buy a vacation home.
Meemaw: Well, I can't just up and leave. I mean, I got the gambling room.
Dale: Georgie can take care of that, and besides, what's the use of having all that money and not enjoying it?
Meemaw: I guess.
Dale: God, we could go to Mexico and get a cabana and spend days on the beach.
Meemaw: And our nights on the toilet? [both laugh]
Dale: Yeah, doesn't sound half bad.

Quote from Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: My sister had taken a different path with her money.
Sheldon: What is that?
Missy: It's a cotton candy machine.
Sheldon: Why?
Missy: It's a machine that makes free cotton candy.
Sheldon: It's not free, you paid for it.
Missy: Meemaw paid for it. And it's still better than lame stocks.
Sheldon: You're going to end up with a stomachache while I get to be part of America's favorite electronics retailer.

Quote from Sheldon

Missy: You have a calculator I can borrow?
Sheldon: Yes, but I'm using it.
Missy: No, you're not.
Sheldon: [Sheldon taps his head] Why do you need a calculator?
Missy: I'm trying to figure out what to spend my money on. What are you gonna do with yours?
Sheldon: I'm glad you asked. I'm dipping my toe in the exciting world of the stock market by purchasing three shares of RadioShack.
Missy: Why?
Sheldon: Well, as a shareholder, I'll be partial owner of my very favorite company. See, when companies go public, they sell shares of stock...
Missy: I'll just buy my own calculator.

Quote from Dale

Meemaw: The gambling room's doing well.
Dale: I can see that, Scarface. But why is it here?
Meemaw: Well, I can't exactly take it down to the bank.
Dale: Why not?
Meemaw: They'd bust me for money laundering.
Dale: Well, it's small bills. Tell them you're a stripper.
Meemaw: It's $14,000.
Dale: Well, tell them you're a good stripper.

Quote from Missy

Adult Sheldon: Grandmas love to spoil their grandchildren. Especially when the grandma has a suitcase full of cash she doesn't know what to do with.
Missy: Whoa.
Sheldon: Oh, my. Did you mean to give us ten dollar bills? Because these are hundreds.
Missy: I'm gonna kick your ass.
Meemaw: I know it's a lot, but why not see you enjoy it while I'm still around?
Missy: Ooh, there's an inheritance, too?
Meemaw: Well, depends on how you treat me in my golden years.
Sheldon: I'm not interested in your money, Meemaw.
Missy: You're pretty and I love you.
Meemaw: Now, don't you have something to say to me?
Sheldon: Thank you.
Missy: I'm rich.

Quote from George Sr.

Coach Wilkins: Well, they were floating the idea of me being head coach next year.
George Sr.: What the hell, Wayne?
Coach Wilkins: I didn't know what it was gonna be about.
George Sr.: Well, what did you tell them?
Coach Wilkins: Look, I want you to keep your job.
George Sr.: Well, then tell them you're not interested.
Coach Wilkins: But...if you're not gonna keep your job, I want your job.
George Sr.: Really? You want to spend your days coaching lazy kids and getting yelled at by their parents?
Coach Wilkins: Come on, George.
George Sr.: Don't forget the dirty looks after you lose, like you're the one that fumbled on the three-yard line. That's the job you want?
Coach Wilkins: It's called coaching, George.

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: I mean, how could Wayne stab me in the back like this?
Mary: I don't think Wayne stabbed you in the back.
George Sr.: Can you please just agree with me?
Mary: Sorry. So, what happens now?
George Sr.: I don't know. I guess I wait and see if I'm fired.
Mary: Well, if that happens, you can always get another job.
George Sr.: Medford has one high school. [stammers] Another job could mean moving.
Mary: But our roots are here. My mom is here.
George Sr.: So, moving's got its upsides.

Quote from Mary

Mary: Didn't Sheldon's college talk to you about coaching there once?
George Sr.: That's right, they did.
Mary: And you know the president pretty well now.
George Sr.: I do.
Mary: And they're used to losing, so it's low pressure.
George Sr.: Thank you.

Quote from Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: I'd only been a shareholder for one day and I was already reveling in the giddy thrill in being part owner of a thriving tech company.
Sheldon: [on the phone] Hello, RadioShack. Sheldon Cooper, shareholder. I just wanted to let you know I'm so excited to be part of the team. While I sound young, rest assured, I'm far more intelligent than my age would imply. So if there's anything I can do to help, budgeting, product design, finding a word more impressive than "shack," I'm your man.

Quote from George Sr.

President Hagemeyer: So, what can I do for you?
George Sr.: When y'all were first recruiting Sheldon, you offered me a chance to head up your football program.
President Hagemeyer: And you turned us down.
George Sr.: I was right in the middle of rebuilding Medford's team, but now, I'm ready for a new challenge.
President Hagemeyer: Well, Mr. Cooper...
George Sr.: Please, call me Coach. Oh, and this just occurred to me, but, uh, if I were here, I could help keep an eye on Sheldon, take some of the burden off you.
President Hagemeyer: [laughs] Oh, your son is no burden.
George Sr.: He's a pain in the ass, ma'am. You can say it.
President Hagemeyer: Well, whether he is or he isn't...
George Sr.: He is.

Quote from President Hagemeyer

President Hagemeyer: ...we don't have a football team anymore.
George Sr.: What? You're a university in Texas.
President Hagemeyer: We are a science-focused university.
George Sr.: But you got that whole stadium.
President Hagemeyer: Well, we still have soccer. Oh. What-what about Texas A&M? Pretty sure they have a football program.
George Sr.: Yeah, if that doesn't work, maybe I'll try the Cowboys.
President Hagemeyer: Hey, reach for the stars. [chuckles]

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: I went to Sheldon's college for a possible coaching gig. They don't even have a team anymore.
Dale: Huh. So you're looking for a new job?
George Sr.: Something like that.
Dale: Well, there's plenty of teams out there.
George Sr.: Yeah, but I'm starting to think it's gonna be the same BS wherever I go.
Dale: That's how I feel about life. Wherever I go... [blows raspberry]
George Sr.: [chuckles] Yeah.
Dale: You ever think about doing something different?
George Sr.: Well, I played football, I coach football, I watch a lot of football. So unless sitting here becomes a job...

Quote from Missy

Missy: Think they'd pay a dollar apiece?
George Jr.: Sure. Just tell them it's a special limited edition. People go nuts for that.
Missy: [gasps] Like the Shamrock Shake.
George Jr.: Exactly.
Missy: Every year, I'm like, "This tastes like toothpaste." But every year, I buy it.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: [on the phone] Well, I'll just tell you, then. Imagine an electronics megastore. Actually, "mega" doesn't cut it. Imagine an electronics yottastore. Yotta. It's ten to the 24th power. No, don't put me on hold. [groans]

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: Oh, no, t-these are great shoes, but at his age, he's gonna grow out of them before you hit the parking lot. [chuckles] These are just as good, and they're gonna save you a little money.
Woman: Thank you.
George Sr.: Take them up to the counter, I'll be right there to ring them up.
Dale: George. You realize you're on commission, don't you?
George Sr.: [to the mother] You know what you never grow out of? Socks. I'm gonna grab you some socks. How about some wristbands?

Quote from Meemaw

Dale: Hey. What are you doing here?
Meemaw: I came to take you to dinner.
Dale: Really? Uh, I'll grab my keys.
Meemaw: No need. I'll drive tonight. But you might want to grab a jacket.

Quote from President Hagemeyer

George Sr.: Thank you for seeing me, President Hagemeyer.
President Hagemeyer: Of course. My door is open to all Coopers. Even Alice Cooper, who I've always found oddly sexy.
George Sr.: Don't think we're related, but if I meet him, I'll let him know. [chuckles]

Quote from George Sr.

Roy: You work here now?
George Sr.: Yeah, just nights and weekends since you and the boosters are gun for my neck.
Roy: Hey, it's nothing personal.
George Sr.: Mm, good to know. I'll be sure to tell the bank that has my mortgage.
Roy: How many losing seasons are we supposed to put up with before we make a change? Frankly, I'm surprised you lasted this long.
George Sr.: You're lucky I'm working right now.
Roy: I ain't here to cause trouble.
George Sr.: Something I can help you with?
Roy: Just a little fishing tackle.
George Sr.: [sighs] Follow me.

Quote from Dale

Dale: George?
George Sr.: Hey, Dale.
Dale: Surprised to see you here.
George Sr.: Are you?
Dale: Not even a little.
George Sr.: You ever hear of a Texas college that only plays soccer?
Dale: [sighs] Can I get a beer first before we start with the hard questions?

Quote from George Jr.

George Jr.: What's up?
Missy: I figured out you can put all kinds of candy in the machine. Try this.
George Jr.: Why is it brown?
Missy: It's butterscotch from Meemaw's candy bowl.
George Jr.: [scoffs] I think that candy's older than you.
Missy: Doesn't taste like it.
George Jr.: [eats] Not bad.

Quote from Dale

Meemaw: So, I was thinking about what you were saying last night.
Dale: You know, you could've just said, "I don't want to travel."
Meemaw: You're picturing a future where we slow down, and I'm just getting going.
Dale: Well, I've been going for 40 years. When George started talking about taking over the store, I-I... I saw a way out.
Meemaw: Then do it.
Dale: [chuckles] I don't want to do it without you, dummy.
Meemaw: Well, then you're gonna have to wait a little.
Dale: I don't think I can do that.
Meemaw: What are you saying?
Dale: You know I love you, right?
Meemaw: I love you, too.
Dale: But we're done.

Quote from Dale

Dale: How about selling footballs?
George Sr.: You mean, like, at your store?
Dale: Yeah. I could always use the help.
George Sr.: I'm not looking for a handout.
Dale: That's not what this is. I'd love to have more time off. And it could be nice to have someone at the store who I could trust.
George Sr.: Well, thanks, uh... I'll think about it.
Dale: Well, don't thank me, I'm just taking advantage of your crappy situation.
George Sr.: How do you know I'm not taking advantage of yours?
Dale: Because I'm a very successful businessman, and you're sitting here in the middle of the day.
George Sr.: Well, you're here, too.
Dale: You were here first.

 Episode 515 Episode 517