Sheldon: Hello. Yes, you can help me, Dorothy Fitzpatrick. I'm interested in taking out a second mortgage. I'm nine years old. Why do you ask? That's called age discrimination, Dorothy, but I'm willing to let it slide. I'm glad you find me cute, but I'm deadly serious. I need funds to buy a computer. No, the house isn't in my name. I'm nine. We've established this. I do prepare the taxes for my parents, and if we tighten our belts, we'll have sufficient equity for the loan.

Mary: You understand that some people are going to be intimidated by you, because of how smart you are?
Sheldon: Or maybe they'll recognize my intellect and make me their leader.

Mary: How about we lose the bow-tie?
Sheldon: Why?
Mary: Look around, honey. No of the other kids are wearing one.
Sheldon: Well, perhaps I'll start a fad.

Sheldon: Per the student dress and grooming code, this boy's hair is too long. This boy's wearing sports attire outside a designated area. And this girl's blouse is diaphanous, which means I can see her brassiere.

Pastor: In Matthew nine, verse four, Jesus said, "Why would you entertain evil thoughts in your hearts?"
Sheldon: Do you have evil thoughts?
Mary: Ssh.
Sheldon: I just don't think this part applies to me.
Mary: That's fine. Be quiet and listen.
Sheldon: I'm only nine years old. Most evil doesn't start till puberty.

Sheldon: Mom. Mom.
Mary: What's wrong?
Sheldon: I was Gollum and Smeagol and I was in a cave fighting with myself over physics and hobbits. And then I realized that even though physics is frustrating, it won't turn me into a tormented creature who bites the heads off fish. Okay, good night.
George Sr.: [to Mary] I've been doing a great job with Missy. This one's on you.

Sheldon: [as Gollum] We're never going to figures it out.
Sheldon: [as Smeagol] We can, we're smarts. We're so smarts. Our brains is precious.
Sheldon: [as Gollum] If our brains is precious, we're wasting it on hobbitses. We like sciences.
Sheldon: [as Smeagol] We took a break from sciences. It was making us crazy.
Sheldon: [as Gollum] And look at us now. Look at what those nasty hobbitses have done to us.
Sheldon: [as Smeagol] No, it was physicses. Physicses did this to us.
Sheldon: [as Gollum] Hobbitses.
Sheldon: [as Smeagol] Physicses.
Sheldon: [as Gollum] Hobbitses.
Sheldon: [in bed] Ow!
Missy: I warned you.

Adult Sheldon: Having found no answers, I took it upon myself to rectify the inconsistent timeline in Lord of the Rings. J.R.R. Tolkien had a brilliant mind, but let's be honest. He was no S.L. Cooper.

George Sr.: Nice.
Missy: How do you make it curve?
George Sr.: Well, that's a little tricky. You you put two fingers on the seam. Right? And then you flick your wrist.
Missy: Okay.
George Sr.: Yeah? Here, try it.

George Sr.: Hey! You want to throw the ball around?
Missy: [crying] No, go away.
George Sr.: Did something happen at school?
Missy: [crying] I don't want to talk about it.
George Sr.: Okay. Well... You change your mind, you know I'm here for you. [starts to leave]
Missy: He likes someone else.
George Sr.: I'm sorry, sweetheart.
Missy: She doesn't even know who Nolan Ryan is.
George Sr.: This guy sounds like an idiot.
Missy: He's not. He's perfect.
George Sr.: All right. Want me to get your mom?
Missy: No.
George Sr.: You want me to beat this guy up?
Missy: No.
George Sr.: What can I do?
[Outside, George and Missy throw a ball around]