- Find quotes by episode:
- Season 1
- Rockets, Communists, and the Dewey Decimal System
- Poker, Faith, and Eggs
- A Therapist, a Comic Book, and a Breakfast Sausage
- A Solar Calculator, a Game Ball, and a Cheerleader's Bosom
- A Patch, a Modem, and a Zantac
- A Brisket, Voodoo, and Cannonball Run
- Cape Canaveral, Schrodinger's Cat, and Cyndi Lauper's Hair
- Spock, Kirk, and Testicular Hernia
- An Eagle Feather, a String Bean, and an Eskimo
- Demons, Sunday School, and Prime Numbers
- A Computer, a Plastic Pony, and a Case of Beer
- A Sneeze, Detention, and Sissy Spacek
- Potato Salad, a Broomstick, and Dad's Whiskey
- Dolomite, Apple Slices, and a Mystery Woman
- Killer Asteroids, Oklahoma, and a Frizzy Hair Machine
- Jiu-jitsu, Bubble Wrap, and Yoo-hoo
- A Mother, a Child, and a Blue Man's Backside
- Gluons, Guacamole, and the Color Purple
- A Dog, a Squirrel, and a Fish Named Fish
- Summer Sausage, a Pocket Poncho, and Tony Danza
- Vanilla Ice Cream, Gentlemen Callers, and a Dinette Set
- Season 2
- A High-Pitched Buzz and Training Wheels
- A Rival Prodigy and Sir Isaac Neutron
- A Crisis of Faith and Octopus Aliens
- A Financial Secret and Fish Sauce
- A Research Study and Czechoslovakian Wedding Pastries
- Seven Deadly Sins and a Small Carl Sagan
- Carbon Dating and a Stuffed Raccoon
- An 8-Bit Princess and a Flat Tire Genius
- Family Dynamics and a Red Fiero
- A Stunted Childhood and a Can of Fancy Mixed Nuts
- A Race of Superhumans and a Letter to Alf
- A Tummy Ache and a Whale of a Metaphor
- A Nuclear Reactor and a Boy Called Lovey
- David, Goliath and a Yoo-hoo from the Back
- A Math Emergency and Perky Palms
- A Loaf of Bread and a Grand Old Flag
- Albert Einstein and the Story of Another Mary
- A Perfect Score and a Bunsen Burner Marshmallow
- A Political Campaign and a Candy Land Cheater
- A Proposal and a Popsicle Stick Cross
- A Broken Heart and a Crock Monster
- A Swedish Science Thing and the Equation for Toast
- Season 3
- Quirky Eggheads and Texas Snow Globes
- A Broom Closet and Satan's Monopoly Board
- An Entrepreneurialist and a Swat on the Bottom
- Hobbitses, Physicses and a Ball with Zip
- A Pineapple and the Bosom of Male Friendship
- A Parasol and a Hell of an Arm
- Pongo Pygmaeus and a Culture that Encourages Spitting
- The Sin of Greed and a Chimichanga from Chi-Chi's
- A Party Invitation, Football Grapes and an Earth Chicken
- Teenager Soup and a Little Ball of Fib
Sheldon: Hello. Yes, you can help me, Dorothy Fitzpatrick. I'm interested in taking out a second mortgage. I'm nine years old. Why do you ask? That's called age discrimination, Dorothy, but I'm willing to let it slide. I'm glad you find me cute, but I'm deadly serious. I need funds to buy a computer. No, the house isn't in my name. I'm nine. We've established this. I do prepare the taxes for my parents, and if we tighten our belts, we'll have sufficient equity for the loan.
Mary: You understand that some people are going to be intimidated by you, because of how smart you are?
Sheldon: Or maybe they'll recognize my intellect and make me their leader.
Mary: How about we lose the bow-tie?
Mary: Look around, honey. No of the other kids are wearing one.
Sheldon: Well, perhaps I'll start a fad.
Sheldon: Per the student dress and grooming code, this boy's hair is too long. This boy's wearing sports attire outside a designated area. And this girl's blouse is diaphanous, which means I can see her brassiere.
Rabbi Schneiderman: Can I ask how your parents feel about this?
Sheldon: Well, when I presented them with my plan, the words "over my dead body" were used.
Rabbi Schneiderman: [chuckles] I'm not surprised.
Sheldon: But they were similarly resistant when I wanted to get an ant farm and eventually they came around.
Rabbi Schneiderman: All right, here's what I'm gonna tell you to do. Read your Bible.
Sheldon: Already did, cover to cover.
Rabbi Schneiderman: Really?
Sheldon: Quiz me.
Rabbi Schneiderman: No, that's okay, I believe you. All right, my advice to you is to stay with the faith of your parents.
Sheldon: What else you got?
Rabbi Schneiderman: Okay. Then I'm gonna tell you to be your own man.
Sheldon: But I want to be a great scientist like Albert Einstein.
Rabbi Schneiderman: Sheldon, when your days are over, God will never ask you, "Why weren't you Einstein?" But he might ask you, "Why weren't you Sheldon?"
Missy: [to Sheldon] Welcome to the dark side.
Adult Sheldon: The following day, I returned to school. I had no choice but to fulfill my swimming requirement. Much like Batman, I suited up and faced my fears. Unlike Batman, I did it with a doggy-paddle across the shallow end of the pool. Uh, regarding pool sanitation, it turned out I was right. It was teeming with germs. Only I was the one who put them there. As it happens, my interaction with Billy Sparks did get me sick. I, in turn, created a small epidemic taking down 128 students, four teachers and one principal. It didn't stop there. I also infected my mother, father, sister, brother, Meemaw and Meemaw's friend Dale. The newly established boundaries of friendship helped keep Dr. Sturgis healthy. However, in an unrelated incident, he crashed his bike into some garbage cans. Luckily, he landed on his recently acquired athletic cup.
Dr. John Sturgis: That was a wise purchase.
Mary: Okay, calm down. Now, you listen to me, you shouldn't have lied. It's always wrong. But you made up for it by telling me the truth.
Sheldon: So, you forgive me?
Mary: I do, but I need you to do me a favor. As far as your father is concerned, you were sick.
Sheldon: Isn't that lying?
Mary: Honestly? No.
Mary: Oh, baby. What are you doing out of bed?
Sheldon: I don't need to be in bed. I'm not sick.
Sheldon: I lied to you so that I wouldn't have to take the swim test.
Mary: You lied?
Sheldon: I feel terrible about it.
Mary: Well, you should feel terrible. I trusted you.
Sheldon: I'm sorry. It's just that I was so afraid to get in that pool, so I let Georgie and Missy teach me how to fake it. They said it was easy, but it's wasn't. It really wasn't.
Mary: Georgie and Missy taught you how to do this?
Sheldon: I cannot tell a lie they sure did!
Dale: Oh, I didn't think it was that big a deal.
Meemaw: Well, it is. He and I are friends, and if you don't stop makin' fun of him, you and I are gonna have a problem.
Dale: Are you saying that I'm being naughty, and you're threatening to punish me? 'Cause I might like that. Uh-huh. See, you're tryin' to be mad at me and you can't.
Meemaw: Now you are getting punished.
Dale: Check, please!