Sheldon: Per the student dress and grooming code, this boy's hair is too long. This boy's wearing sports attire outside a designated area. And this girl's blouse is diaphanous, which means I can see her brassiere.

Sheldon: Hello. Yes, you can help me, Dorothy Fitzpatrick. I'm interested in taking out a second mortgage. I'm nine years old. Why do you ask? That's called age discrimination, Dorothy, but I'm willing to let it slide. I'm glad you find me cute, but I'm deadly serious. I need funds to buy a computer. No, the house isn't in my name. I'm nine. We've established this. I do prepare the taxes for my parents, and if we tighten our belts, we'll have sufficient equity for the loan.

Mary: You understand that some people are going to be intimidated by you, because of how smart you are?
Sheldon: Or maybe they'll recognize my intellect and make me their leader.

Mary: How about we lose the bow-tie?
Sheldon: Why?
Mary: Look around, honey. No of the other kids are wearing one.
Sheldon: Well, perhaps I'll start a fad.

Brenda Sparks: Well, I'm sorry, but you shouldn't be inferring there's something wrong with my Billy.
Meemaw: Darlin', there's no inferring. I've seen the boy sitting in the dirt eating his own belly button lint.

Dr. John Sturgis: In lighter news, your meemaw loves me.

George Sr.: So, John, how was your first driving lesson?
Dr. John Sturgis: Intense. At one point, I was approaching an intersection. The light was green, but at the last moment, it turned yellow. I didn't know what to do. Should I keep going? Should I stop? There were other cars nearby. Connie was yelling. A glare from the sun was in my eyes.
Sheldon: So, what happened?
Dr. John Sturgis: Somehow, I managed to make it through, turned on my directional, and slowly pulled to the side of the road.
Sheldon: That's how you tell a scary story.

Adult Sheldon: And that's how I became the madcap prankster all my friends know and love.

Missy: That was pathetic.
Sheldon: It was. I'm not sure I'm cut out for these antics and shenanigans.
Missy: I guess you're gonna grow up to be a weirdo.
Sheldon: I suppose I am. Life is so confusing. I always hoped it would be easier for me when I grew up, but now I'm not so sure it will.
Missy: It's gonna be all right. [LOUD FLATULENCE SOUND] You were faking?
Sheldon: Bazinga.

Sheldon: Hello, um, Meemaw, this is Sheldon. If you were home, I was going to say, "Is Mr. Wall there?" And then you would say, "No." And then I would say, "Is Mrs. Wall there?" And then you would say, "No." And then I would say, "Well, if there are no walls, then how does your roof stay up?" Um, okay. Bazinga.