Sheldon: Hello. Yes, you can help me, Dorothy Fitzpatrick. I'm interested in taking out a second mortgage. I'm nine years old. Why do you ask? That's called age discrimination, Dorothy, but I'm willing to let it slide. I'm glad you find me cute, but I'm deadly serious. I need funds to buy a computer. No, the house isn't in my name. I'm nine. We've established this. I do prepare the taxes for my parents, and if we tighten our belts, we'll have sufficient equity for the loan.

Mary: You understand that some people are going to be intimidated by you, because of how smart you are?
Sheldon: Or maybe they'll recognize my intellect and make me their leader.

Mary: How about we lose the bow-tie?
Sheldon: Why?
Mary: Look around, honey. No of the other kids are wearing one.
Sheldon: Well, perhaps I'll start a fad.

Sheldon: Per the student dress and grooming code, this boy's hair is too long. This boy's wearing sports attire outside a designated area. And this girl's blouse is diaphanous, which means I can see her brassiere.

Rabbi Schneiderman: Can I ask how your parents feel about this?
Sheldon: Well, when I presented them with my plan, the words "over my dead body" were used.
Rabbi Schneiderman: [chuckles] I'm not surprised.
Sheldon: But they were similarly resistant when I wanted to get an ant farm and eventually they came around.
Rabbi Schneiderman: All right, here's what I'm gonna tell you to do. Read your Bible.
Sheldon: Already did, cover to cover.
Rabbi Schneiderman: Really?
Sheldon: Quiz me.
Rabbi Schneiderman: No, that's okay, I believe you. All right, my advice to you is to stay with the faith of your parents.
Sheldon: What else you got?
Rabbi Schneiderman: Okay. Then I'm gonna tell you to be your own man.
Sheldon: But I want to be a great scientist like Albert Einstein.
Rabbi Schneiderman: Sheldon, when your days are over, God will never ask you, "Why weren't you Einstein?" But he might ask you, "Why weren't you Sheldon?"

Missy: [to Sheldon] Welcome to the dark side.

Adult Sheldon: The following day, I returned to school. I had no choice but to fulfill my swimming requirement. Much like Batman, I suited up and faced my fears. Unlike Batman, I did it with a doggy-paddle across the shallow end of the pool. Uh, regarding pool sanitation, it turned out I was right. It was teeming with germs. Only I was the one who put them there. As it happens, my interaction with Billy Sparks did get me sick. I, in turn, created a small epidemic taking down 128 students, four teachers and one principal. It didn't stop there. I also infected my mother, father, sister, brother, Meemaw and Meemaw's friend Dale. The newly established boundaries of friendship helped keep Dr. Sturgis healthy. However, in an unrelated incident, he crashed his bike into some garbage cans. Luckily, he landed on his recently acquired athletic cup.
Dr. John Sturgis: That was a wise purchase.

Mary: Okay, calm down. Now, you listen to me, you shouldn't have lied. It's always wrong. But you made up for it by telling me the truth.
Sheldon: So, you forgive me?
Mary: I do, but I need you to do me a favor. As far as your father is concerned, you were sick.
Sheldon: Isn't that lying?
Mary: Honestly? No.

Sheldon: Mom.
Mary: Oh, baby. What are you doing out of bed?
Sheldon: I don't need to be in bed. I'm not sick.
Mary: What?
Sheldon: I lied to you so that I wouldn't have to take the swim test.
Mary: You lied?
Sheldon: I feel terrible about it.
Mary: Well, you should feel terrible. I trusted you.
Sheldon: I'm sorry. It's just that I was so afraid to get in that pool, so I let Georgie and Missy teach me how to fake it. They said it was easy, but it's wasn't. It really wasn't.
Mary: Georgie and Missy taught you how to do this?
Sheldon: I cannot tell a lie they sure did!

Dale: Oh, I didn't think it was that big a deal.
Meemaw: Well, it is. He and I are friends, and if you don't stop makin' fun of him, you and I are gonna have a problem.
Dale: Are you saying that I'm being naughty, and you're threatening to punish me? 'Cause I might like that. Uh-huh. See, you're tryin' to be mad at me and you can't.
Meemaw: Now you are getting punished.
Dale: Check, please!