- Find quotes by episode:
- Season 1
- Rockets, Communists, and the Dewey Decimal System
- Poker, Faith, and Eggs
- A Therapist, a Comic Book, and a Breakfast Sausage
- A Solar Calculator, a Game Ball, and a Cheerleader's Bosom
- A Patch, a Modem, and a Zantac
- A Brisket, Voodoo, and Cannonball Run
- Cape Canaveral, Schrodinger's Cat, and Cyndi Lauper's Hair
- Spock, Kirk, and Testicular Hernia
- An Eagle Feather, a String Bean, and an Eskimo
- Demons, Sunday School, and Prime Numbers
- A Computer, a Plastic Pony, and a Case of Beer
- A Sneeze, Detention, and Sissy Spacek
- Potato Salad, a Broomstick, and Dad's Whiskey
- Dolomite, Apple Slices, and a Mystery Woman
- Killer Asteroids, Oklahoma, and a Frizzy Hair Machine
- Jiu-jitsu, Bubble Wrap, and Yoo-hoo
- A Mother, a Child, and a Blue Man's Backside
- Gluons, Guacamole, and the Color Purple
- A Dog, a Squirrel, and a Fish Named Fish
- Summer Sausage, a Pocket Poncho, and Tony Danza
- Vanilla Ice Cream, Gentlemen Callers, and a Dinette Set
- Season 2
- A High-Pitched Buzz and Training Wheels
- A Rival Prodigy and Sir Isaac Neutron
- A Crisis of Faith and Octopus Aliens
- A Financial Secret and Fish Sauce
- A Research Study and Czechoslovakian Wedding Pastries
- Seven Deadly Sins and a Small Carl Sagan
- Carbon Dating and a Stuffed Raccoon
- An 8-Bit Princess and a Flat Tire Genius
- Family Dynamics and a Red Fiero
- A Stunted Childhood and a Can of Fancy Mixed Nuts
- A Race of Superhumans and a Letter to Alf
- A Tummy Ache and a Whale of a Metaphor
- A Nuclear Reactor and a Boy Called Lovey
- David, Goliath and a Yoo-hoo from the Back
- A Math Emergency and Perky Palms
- A Loaf of Bread and a Grand Old Flag
- Albert Einstein and the Story of Another Mary
- A Perfect Score and a Bunsen Burner Marshmallow
- A Political Campaign and a Candy Land Cheater
- A Proposal and a Popsicle Stick Cross
- A Broken Heart and a Crock Monster
- A Swedish Science Thing and the Equation for Toast
- Season 3
- Quirky Eggheads and Texas Snow Globes
- A Broom Closet and Satan's Monopoly Board
- An Entrepreneurialist and a Swat on the Bottom
- Hobbitses, Physicses and a Ball with Zip
- A Pineapple and the Bosom of Male Friendship
- A Parasol and a Hell of an Arm
- Pongo Pygmaeus and a Culture that Encourages Spitting
- The Sin of Greed and a Chimichanga from Chi-Chi's
- A Party Invitation, Football Grapes and an Earth Chicken
- Teenager Soup and a Little Ball of Fib
- A Live Chicken, a Fried Chicken and Holy Matrimony
- Body Glitter and a Mall Safety Kit
- Contracts, Rules and a Little Bit of Pig Brains
- A Slump, a Cross and Roadside Gravel
- A Boyfriend's Ex-Wife and a Good Luck Head Rub
- An Academic Crime and a More Romantic Taco Bell
- A Couple Bruised Ribs and a Cereal Box Ghost Detector
- A House for Sale and Serious Woman Stuff
- A Baby Tooth and the Egyptian God of Knowledge
- A Secret Letter and a Lowly Disc of Processed Meat
- Season 4
- A Docent, A Little Lady and a Bouncer Named Dalton
- Training Wheels and an Unleashed Chicken
- Bible Camp and a Chariot of Love
- A Musty Crypt and a Stick to Pee On
- Freshman Orientation and the Inventor of the Zipper
- A Philosophy Class and Worms That Can Chase You
- An Existential Crisis and a Bear That Makes Bubbles
- Crappy Frozen Ice Cream and an Organ Grinder's Monkey
- Cowboy Aerobics and 473 Grease-Free Bolts
- A Pager, a Club and a Cranky Bag of Wrinkles
- A Box of Treasure and the Meemaw of Science
- The Geezer Bus and a New Model for Education
- Mitch's Son and the Unconditional Approval of a Government Agency
- A Virus, Heartbreak and a World of Possibilities
- A Second Prodigy and the Hottest Tips for Pouty Lips
- A Black Hole
- The Wild and Woolly World of Nonlinear Dynamics
- Season 5
- One Bad Night and Chaos of Selfish Desires
- Snoopin' Around and the Wonder Twins of Atheism
- Potential Energy and Hooch on a Park Bench
- Pish Posh and a Secret Back Room
- Stuffed Animals and a Sweet Southern Syzygy
- Money Laundering and a Cascade of Hormones
- An Introduction to Engineering and a Glob of Hair Gel
- The Grand Chancellor and a Den of Sin
- The Yips and an Oddly Hypnotic Bohemian
- An Expensive Glitch and a Goof-Off Room
- A Lock-In, a Weather Girl and a Disgusting Habit
- A Pink Cadillac and a Glorious Tribal Dance
- A Lot of Band-Aids and the Cooper Surrender
- A Free Scratcher and Feminine Wiles
- A Lobster, an Armadillo and a Way Bigger Number
- A Suitcase Full of Cash and a Yellow Clown Car
- A Solo Peanut, a Social Butterfly and the Truth
- Babies, Lies and a Resplendent Cannoli
- A God-Fearin' Baptist and a Hot Trophy Husband
- Uncle Sheldon and a Hormonal Firecracker
- White Trash, Holy Rollers and Punching People
- A Clogged Pore, a Little Spanish and the Future
Mary: Sheldon, faith means believing in something you can't know for sure is real. And right now, I am struggling with that.
Sheldon: So you don't believe in God anymore?
Mary: That isn't something for you to worry about. I need to figure this out myself.
Sheldon: Can I help? Maybe I could provide a fresh perspective.
Mary: I don't think so, baby.
Sheldon: Did you know that if gravity were slightly more powerful, the universe would collapse into a ball?
Mary: I did not.
Sheldon: Also, if gravity were slightly less powerful, the universe would fly apart and there would be no stars or planets.
Mary: Where you going with this, Sheldon?
Sheldon: It's just that gravity is precisely as strong as it needs to be. And if the ratio of the electromagnetic force to the strong force wasn't one percent, life wouldn't exist. What are the odds that would happen all by itself?
Mary: Why are you trying to convince me to believe in God? You don't believe in God.
Sheldon: I don't, but the precision of the universe at least makes it logical to conclude there's a creator.
Mary: Baby, I appreciate what you're trying to do, but logic is here. And my problem is here.
Sheldon: Well, there are 5 billion people on this planet and you're the perfect mom for me. What are the odds of that?
Principal Petersen: Our next young speaker needs no introduction, but that didn't stop him from writing one and making me read it. [laughter] "Fun fact." [audience groans, murmurs] I hear you. "The word 'valedictorian' is from the Latin 'valedicere,' meaning 'to say farewell.' It is primarily used in the United States, Canada, the Philippines and Armenia." Maybe that fact's more fun in Armenia. Please welcome your valedictorian, Sheldon Cooper.
Mary: Yay, Shelly!
Sheldon: Hello. I'm not very comfortable speaking in front of crowds. But there's a technique to reduce stage fright by focusing on one person in the audience and delivering your speech just to them. That's what I'll be doing today. If it weren't for this person, I wouldn't be here right now. They've taught me a lot, and it's by their example that I found the courage to move forward into this new and exciting chapter of my life. Missy... ...this is for you. Change can be scary, but I know we're going to be fine... ...because like you said, "It's okay to be scared. We just have to do it anyway." So if any of my fellow graduates are nervous about the future, know that you're not alone. I suggest you all try to be as brave as my twin sister. That's my plan. Missy, I wish I could give you advice about middle school, but I was so smart, I skipped it. If you make it to high school, we'll talk. Thank you. [applause]
Sheldon: Listen to this. "French philosopher, mathematician and physicist, Blaise Pascal, argued a rational person should believe God exists because you have everything to gain if you're right, and nothing to lose if you're wrong."
Missy: Sounds right.
Quote from Adult Sheldon in the episode Cape Canaveral, Schrodinger's Cat, and Cyndi Lauper's Hair
Adult Sheldon: I didn't realize until years later that my father was only asking questions about lightning and thunder to cheer me up. In fact, he would often pretend to be dumb just to make me feel better.
Adult Sheldon: My father didn't always get the credit he deserved. The advice he gave me actually worked out pretty well. Of course, I never told him.
George Sr.: Talked to Billy.
Missy: Why would you do that?
George Sr.: No, it was good.
Missy: Stay out of my life.
Adult Sheldon: He may not have been the world's greatest dad. But maybe we weren't the world's greatest kids.
George Jr.: What are you doing?
George Sr.: Separating the whites from the colors.
George Jr.: Whoa, that's racist.
Adult Sheldon: My sister encouraged me to embrace adolescence as a journey of scientific discovery. I stood before a whole new teenage world of music, slang words and even clothing styles. [Sheldon removes a red Flash t-shirt] Pretty groovy, huh?
[Sheldon stands in front of his bedroom mirror wearing the red Flash t-shirt over a blue undershirt]
Sheldon: Wow, I might look too cool.
Mary: How was your day?
George Sr.: Awful.
Mary: Oh. Well... I have good news.
George Sr.: I could use it.
Mary: I got a job at the bowling alley.
George Sr.: [gulps] Working with Brenda?
Mary: Every day. [phone rings]
George Sr.: That is... really... really good news.
Sheldon: Maybe we should go to the emergency room.
Missy: It's just a pimple. Pop it.
Missy: I'll do it. I like when it hits the mirror. Now hold still.
[fantasy: A.V. and Pus are now standing, with no chair or stool in sight:]
A.V.: It seems we've reached the end of our time with Sheldon. [Pus is holding two suitcases] But it's never truly goodbye. We'll be back in moments of stress. Like a big test. Or my personal favorite, school picture day... [they disappear in an explosion of yellow pus, leaving the two suitcases]