George Jr.: Hey, now that you're treating him like an adult, can I have his allowance?
George Sr.: That allowance is for chores, which you already don't do.
George Jr.: Come on. We all know I'm your favorite.
Meemaw: You're not even his third favorite.

Meemaw: Okay, here you go. I got you a shovel and a bucket and some gloves.
Sheldon: Did you check the gloves for spiders?
Meemaw: Is this my first day as Meemaw?

Adult Sheldon: My new adult responsibilities began that night. Luckily, a cookbook is nothing more than a set of instructions. And if there's one thing I shine at, it's following instructions.

Adult Sheldon: When people wonder why Radio Shack eventually went out of business, you can point to this moment.

Adult Sheldon: In that moment, I was so angry with her, I almost opened the jar.

Mrs. Costello: Okay, let's see. What about Caltech in Pasadena?
Sheldon: I can't see myself living in California. I don't trust their carefree lifestyle.

George Sr.: Looks like your house is okay.
Meemaw: You were just worried I might have to come live with you.
George Sr.: Oh, I think the word you're looking for is "terrified".

Missy: How was your chicken?
Sheldon: Not bad. The dish soap gave it a nice lemony flavor.

Mrs. Costello: Um, how about MIT in Boston?
Sheldon: Do they have a strong physics program?
Mrs. Costello: They're more of an engineering school.
Sheldon: Next.

Mrs. Costello: Are you interested in applying to a safety school in case you don't get in?
Sheldon: Safety school. You're funny.

Sheldon: Well?
Randall: Do you even have a resume?
Sheldon: No, but I have a report card that'll knock your socks off.

Sheldon: Are there any Vietnamese superheroes?
Tam: There's one called Half-Face.
Sheldon: Why?
Tam: The communist government forced him to build bombs, and one blew off half his face.
Sheldon: The left half or the right half?
Tam: The bottom half.
Sheldon: That's an important half.

Mary: In the name of Jesus, I place a hedge of protection around this house and my family. I command this storm to skip over our home in Jesus' name. I wish peace to every single person in this room and declare that not one of us will get hurt in this storm, in Jesus' name!

Randall: Sorry, Sheldon. I think it's against company policy to hire little kids.
Sheldon: But people say I'm like an old man all the time.
Randall: Hey, I'm one of 'em, but the answer's still no.

Missy: Maybe you're turning it the wrong way.
Sheldon: [straining to twist open a jam jar] Don't you have anything better to do?
Missy: Not better than this.
Sheldon: This is nothing a little science can't fix. All I need to do is break the pressure seal.
Missy: I don't think that was enough science.

Adult Sheldon: The good news was most of our neighborhood was spared. The bad news: my mother thought she had something to do with it.

George Sr.: You're really holding the line on this one.
Mary: I'm sorry, but he just pushed my buttons.
George Sr.: Don't be sorry. I'm diggin' it.
George Jr.: Ew.
Missy: Gross.
Meemaw: I agree. Pretty gross.
George Sr.: Y'all are mean.

Mary: Hey, what you reading?
Missy: A magazine.
Mary: Oh. Making a collage for school?
Missy: No, just reading it.
Mary: Look at that. Maybe Sheldon isn't the only bookworm around here. Which magazine?
Missy: Cosmopolitan.
Mary: What?
Missy: It's a magazine for today's woman. [Mary takes the magazine] Hey! I was about to find out what turns a man on.

Sheldon: I'm ready to go to college.
Mrs. Costello: Okay. Where you thinking?
Sheldon: Somewhere with a good science program, but far enough away to make my mom cry herself to sleep every night that I'm gone.
Mrs. Costello: You're applying to college out of spite?
Sheldon: I see why you're the guidance counselor.

Meemaw: You know, if I had something in my room she might disapprove of, I might be looking for a real good hiding place right about now.
George Jr.: I think I'm okay.
Missy: Your air vent? [Georgie rushes back to his room]

Mary: And you are not to bring filth like this into our house again.
Missy: That's not fair. Sheldon reads dirty stuff all the time, and you don't say anything.
Mary: He does not.
Missy: Check out the comic book on his desk.
Mary: What? Oh, my goodness. Oh. Oh, my. Hold on. No. No. Th-This blue man's backside is all over the place.
Missy: On page 112, you get to see his front side.

George Jr.: What's Sheldon doing?
Mary: Cooking his own dinner.
George Jr.: Why?
Mary: He wants to take care of himself like an adult.
George Jr.: I plan on putting that off for as long as possible.
George Sr.: Really? It's a plan?

George Sr.: Okay. Let's just take a deep breath and talk about something else.
Mary: Fine.
George Jr.: I want to hear about that frog.
Meemaw: A different something else.

Mary: Let's go.
Sheldon: But I came here with Tam.
Mary: Tam, you coming or not?
Tam: I'm good. [to Glenn, after Mary and Sheldon leave] As you can see, I'm not related to them.

Meemaw: Hey! Looking sharp. You're not gonna try to sell me a set of knives, are you?
Sheldon: No.
Meemaw: It's a joke. 'Cause of the suit.
Sheldon: Okay.

Mary: I don't understand why you'd even be interested in a book like that.
Sheldon: One of the characters is a scientist who worked on the Manhattan Project.
Mary: Well, it's filled with violence and nudity, and you are done looking at it.
Sheldon: But comics are a form of art. You wouldn't forbid me from looking at Michelangelo's David just because he's nude.
Mary: When a statue of your naked blue fella is on display at the Vatican, we'll talk.
Sheldon: Actually, David is at the Accademia Gallery in Florence.
Mary: Doesn't matter. I don't want you looking at his bottom either.

Mrs. Costello: There's always Harvard.
Sheldon: Hmm. I don't like cold weather, but I do look good in maroon. All right, Harvard it is. Thank you for your help.

Sheldon: I need money for my Harvard application, and was wondering if there are any jobs I could do.
Meemaw: Hmm. My yard could use a little weeding.
Sheldon: I'm not terribly fond of outdoor work. Plus, that garden gnome terrifies me.
Meemaw: Ernesto has that effect on people.
Sheldon: How much does the job pay?
Meemaw: Well, let me think. How about a dollar an hour?
Sheldon: How about five dollars an hour?
Meemaw: How about 50 cents an hour?
Sheldon: Wait a minute. What just happened?
Meemaw: I'll tell you what. I'll give you a dollar.
Sheldon: Thank you.

Missy: Boys are dumb.
Meemaw: D-U-M-B.
Missy: Dum-b?

George Jr.: Hey.
George Sr.: Hey.
George Jr.: You know how you think I can't do anything for myself?
George Sr.: I do think that, yes.
George Jr.: Well, I have something I'd like to show you.
George Sr.: You did some chores?
George Jr.: Come see for yourself.
George Sr.: I don't know if I'm ready for another heart attack, but here we go.

Meemaw: Hey, Shelly, how's it going over there?
Sheldon: I hate everything about this.

George Jr.: What if it hits us and we all die?
Meemaw: It's not gonna hit us! I might hit you. But first I'm gonna hold you.

Mary: Excuse me. Did you sell this to my son?
Glenn: I don't know. Who's your son?
Mary: The little boy in the corner.
Glenn: Which one?
Mary: Sheldon Cooper.
Glenn: Oh. Yeah.
Mary: Look at him! He is the same size as one of the dolls you sell here.
Glenn: Those are action figures.

George Jr.: What are you eating?
Sheldon: An English muffin with ketchup and spray cheese.
George Jr.: No fair.
Missy: Lucky.
Mary: Sorry I spent an hour making meatloaf.

Sheldon: Hello, Randall. I would like to apply for a job.
Randall: You would?
Sheldon: Yes. I need to earn money so I can apply to Harvard.
Randall: I thought about going to Harvard, but then I realized The Shack is my passion.

Mary: Where'd you get this?
Missy: Heather. I traded a Fruit Roll-Up for it.
Mary: Well, this is going in the garbage.
Missy: You sure? It's got some great tips on how to spice up your marriage.
Mary: My marriage is fine, thank you.

[Georgie and his dad place a mattress up against the bathroom window]
George Jr.: Is this my bed?
George Sr.: Yeah.
George Jr.: Aw, it took me an hour to make it.

Mary: I just realized something. College applications cost money just to send in.
Sheldon: They do?
Mary: $50, $60 a pop. I don't believe you have that kind of money, do you?

Meemaw: So, Moonpie, how's adult life treating you?
Sheldon: Very well, actually. I'm working on my application to Harvard.
Meemaw: Is that so?
Sheldon: Yes. And I'm planning on transferring there as soon as possible.
Mary: You're not going away to Harvard.
Sheldon: I don't believe you have a say in this.
Mary: Okay, well, Harvard's real expensive. How do you plan on paying for it?
Sheldon: Oh, I'm sure I'll get a scholarship.

Adult Sheldon: At that moment, I felt a subtle heat rising through my body. I was used to being humiliated by my siblings on a daily basis, but from my mother? This was new territory.

Mary: So, how was everyone's day?
Missy: I cut open a frog at school.
Mary: For science class?
Missy: Sure.
George Sr.: We should put a lock on the knife drawer.

George Jr.: Where's Mom?
Meemaw: Chewing out the guy who runs the comic book store.
George Jr.: Why?
Meemaw: She found an inappropriate comic that Sheldon had and went ballistic.
Missy: She also took my Cosmo.
George Jr.: What's a Cosmo?
Missy: A magazine for today's woman.
George Jr.: Sucks for you.

Sheldon: What are you doing?
Mary: Confiscating your comic books. You can have them back when you're 18.
Sheldon: You're taking Casper the Friendly Ghost?
Mary: Ghosts are sacrilegious. Nothing friendly about that.

George Jr.: Mom, you need to sign this consent form.
Mary: What's it for?
George Jr.: Field trip.
Mary: Where?
George Jr.: Museum.
Mary: Which one?
George Jr.: Does it matter? It's not like I'm gonna learn anything, anyway.
Sheldon: It's the planetarium at the science museum. And I need you to sign mine, too.
Mary: Oh. It's interesting that an adult would need his mother to sign a consent form.
Missy: And here we go.
Sheldon: I don't need you to sign it, the school does.
Mary: So you're saying even the school doesn't think that you're mature enough to make all your own decisions.

Sheldon: Very well. There's one more book that belongs in the box, filled with adultery, genocide, and even human sacrifice. [Sheldon places down a bible]

Mary: You know what? You want me to treat you like an adult, you got it. From this moment on, I am done mommy-ing you.
Sheldon: Wonderful. Does that mean I can have my comic books back?
Mary: Comic books are for children. You're an adult.

Sheldon: Pray harder!

Meemaw: Had enough? You gonna back down?
Mary: No. He's real smart, but he needs to learn he doesn't know everything.
George Sr.: Woman, you are getting sexier by the second. Whew.

Meemaw: Maybe I should go keep an eye on him.
Mary: No. Let him handle this on his own.
Missy: I wouldn't mind watching.

George Sr.: Will you excuse me? I have to go take a cold shower.

Sheldon: Mom, you're embarrassing me.
Mary: Oh, is that right? Well, guess what. I don't care. [to Glenn] And if I catch you doing it again, I'll be back with my husband, he is way scarier than me.
Glenn: I doubt that.

Mary: I'll be back.
Missy: Where you going?
Mary: To give the owner of that comic book store a piece of my mind!
Missy: Cool.
Mary: And then I'm calling Heather's mom!
Missy: Aw.