Sheldon: Dad, the university offered to pay for us to go to California! They're even putting us up in a hotel.
George Sr.: You're kidding.
Missy: We're going to California?
Sheldon: No, just me and Dad.
Missy: That's fair. I'm so happy for you.
Adult Sheldon: Sometimes sarcasm was laid on so thick even I could detect it.
Sheldon: Thanks!
Adult Sheldon: This was not one of those times.

George Sr.: Mr. Spock! He flies around all the time in that spaceship. He's not afraid, is he?
Sheldon: I'm not Mr. Spock.
George Sr.: No, but-but I've seen you pretend to be him. Could you do that right now? You be Spock, I'll be Kirk.
Sheldon: Maybe.
George Sr.: Okay, Mr. Spock. Your first order is to return to your seat.
Sheldon: Aye, Captain.

Meemaw: What's on your mind?
Missy: Sheldon always gets everything he wants.
Meemaw: I guess he does. That's not fair, huh?
Missy: No!
Meemaw: On the other hand, he's just going to some science lecture.
Missy: I know, but he gets to go on a plane to California.
Meemaw: Planes aren't all that great. You can't even smoke on 'em anymore.

Meemaw: You keep frownin' like that, you're gonna get wrinkles like your meemaw.
Missy: You look great.
Meemaw: I know, I just wanted to hear you say it.

Sheldon: Dad, good news. Airline tickets to California are more affordable than you think.
George Sr.: Sheldon, we're not going.
Mary: What's all this about?
Sheldon: Stephen Hawking is giving a lecture at Caltech. If we leave on Wednesday and are willing to make four layovers, in Boise, Denver, Albuquerque and Fargo, we can get there for only $95 each.

George Sr.: I have a job. I can't just leave in the middle of the week.
Sheldon: Well, then what about Mom?
Mary: Sorry, Shelly, we're not in a position to do this.
Sheldon: But Stephen Hawking's my hero. Imagine if you got a chance to see Jesus or Dad got to meet the man who invented beer.

Missy: Someone's Underoos are in a knot.
Sheldon: My Underoos are fitting just fine, thank you.
Missy: Then why is there a stick up your butt?
Sheldon: Stop making inquiries about my bottom.
Missy: But I enjoy it.

Adult Sheldon: Nothing was able to shake me from my doldrums, not even Dr. Sturgis's jaunty new sweater-vest.
Dr. John Sturgis: Sheldon?
Sheldon: Yes?
Dr. John Sturgis: You seem distracted.
Sheldon: I really wanted to see Stephen Hawking speak at Caltech, but my parents can't afford the trip.
Dr. John Sturgis: That's too bad. Dr. H puts on a heck of a show.
Sheldon: I believe it.
Dr. John Sturgis: Would it make you feel better to know this vest is reversible?
Sheldon: A little. Thanks.

Mary: I don't feel I'm being out of line wanting to know how old this girl is or what church she goes to or her last name.
Meemaw: Owens. What? Now you know.
Mary: Unbelievable!
Meemaw: Oh, geez, you worry about Sheldon not being normal, now you're worried about Georgie being normal how did I raise such a turd?
Mary: I am not... that word.
Meemaw: If you can't say the word, you might be the word.

Mary: Wash up for dinner.
George Jr.: I ain't eatin'.
Mary: Well, you're not watchin' TV.
George Jr.: I can't leave the house, and now I can't watch TV.
Mary: Yeah, it's called being grounded.
George Jr.: [under his breath] I can't wait to move out.
Mary: What was that?!
George Jr.: Next time, I'll say it on the phone, so you can hear me.

George Sr.: Sheldon was right. They're offerin' to pay for the whole trip.
Mary: Why?
George Sr.: Sturgis talked to his boss, and they really want to keep Sheldon goin' to school there.
Mary: I guess I could take him.
George Sr.: Why you? He asked me first.
Mary: I'm mad at Georgie right now. It'd be good for us to have some space.
George Sr.: So, you pick a fight with Georgie, and I don't get to go to California?
Mary: Fine, you can go.
George Sr.: Thank you.
Mary: Have fun managing Sheldon's bathroom schedule in different time zones.

George Jr.: [o.s.] It's actually a shampoo for ladies, but my hair just responds to it.

Sheldon: Imagine all the stimulating conversations that must go on at these tables.
George Sr.: I bet.
Sheldon: I can see myself going here one day.
George Sr.: I think you'd fit right in.

Sheldon: I think we've been lied to about California. No one on this campus is tan at all.
George Sr.: No, they are not.

Captain: [v.o.] Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. We're expecting a smooth flight to Los Angeles. Before we take off, please direct your attention to the flight attendants as they review some important safety procedures.
Sheldon: "Safety procedures"? Oh, baby.

Missy: Dad. You missed everything.
George Sr.: What happened?
Missy: Georgie lied to Mom to be alone at Jana's house, but Mom knew 'cause she listened in on his phone call.
George Sr.: Oh, boy.
Missy: Now he's grounded and everyone's mad. Not me. I'm super happy.
George Sr.: Well... bye.

Sheldon: How do you recommend I "suck it up"?
Missy: I don't know, when you don't get your way, shut up and move on.
Sheldon: Is that what you do?
Missy: Yeah.
Sheldon: And that's why you don't have a computer.

Sheldon: Well, I may never get another chance to see him in person.
Missy: Suck it up. You always get everything you want.
Sheldon: That's not true.
Missy: You got a computer. I'm reading a booger book.

Sheldon: So can we go?
George Sr.: I don't know. Go take a shower.
Sheldon: I still have two minutes and 15 seconds. Let's nail this down.
George Sr.: Where's the lecture? And if the answer's Dallas, we're not going.
Sheldon: Good news: it's not Dallas.
George Sr.: Where?
Sheldon: Pasadena, California.
George Sr.: California? That's a lot further than Dallas.
Sheldon: 1,232 miles further as the crow flies. But kudos to you for being up on your geography.

Sheldon: Are there any discounts available?
Fran: Are you a member of any frequent-flier programs?
Sheldon: No, I've never flown before.
Fran: Well, ways to keep the cost down are: flying on weekdays, multiple layovers... Or, this probably doesn't apply, but airlines offer special fares if there's been a death in the family.
Sheldon: Interesting. May I use your phone?
[elsewhere:]
Meemaw: [answering phone] Hello?
[back:]
Sheldon: What else you got?

Fran: Hi. Can I help you?
Sheldon: I'm trying to find the cheapest flight to California for me and my father.
Fran: Okay. Well, have a seat. You lookin' to go to Disneyland?
Sheldon: The only ride I'm interested in is the intellectual roller coaster of Stephen Hawking's mind.
Fran: And where is that located?
Sheldon: Well... Stephen Hawking's head. But that will be at Caltech in Pasadena.

George Sr.: This is the moment we lost that game. But one bad play doesn't mean you give up. We had plenty of time to turn it around, but y'all decided it was over. I don't want to ever see that happen again. Next time something seems out of your reach, you do not quit. You just dig deeper.
Sheldon: [appears out of nowhere] Does that mean if I find an affordable flight to California, we can go?

Sheldon: Mom and Dad won't take me to California to see Stephen Hawking.
Missy: You thought they would take you to California?
Sheldon: Yes.
Missy: They wouldn't even buy me this book at the book fair. I had to get it at the library. There's a booger on one of the pages.

Sheldon: [knocking on bathroom door] Dad. Dad!
George Sr.: [o.s] I'm in the shower!
Sheldon: It's an emergency.
George Sr.: [o.s.] Fine! Come in.
Sheldon: [knocking on shower door] Dad?
George Sr.: I thought you had to use the bathroom.
Sheldon: At 7:23 in the morning? Why do I print out schedules if you're not going to read them?

George Sr.: Tell me what you want.
Sheldon: What are we doing next weekend?
George Sr.: This ain't sounding like an emergency.
Sheldon: It is. Stephen Hawking is giving a lecture, and I really need to go.
George Sr.: Can we talk about this when I'm out of the shower?
Sheldon: Pick up the pace. According to the schedule that you don't read, I'm due in there in six minutes.

George Sr.: You okay, Mr. Spock?
Sheldon: Doing my best, sir. The captain and Mr. Spock don't hold hands.
George Sr.: Sorry.
Sheldon: Okay, maybe just this once.

Meredith: Take a minute to locate the exit closest to you. The nearest exit could be behind you. Should the cabin experience sudden pressure loss, oxygen masks will drop down from above your seat...
Sheldon: Why would the cabin lose pressure?
George Sr.: It won't.
Meredith: Place the mask over your mouth and nose, like this, pull the strap to tighten it. If you are traveling with children, make sure that your own mask is on first before helping your child.
Sheldon: I don't like this at all.
George Sr.: It's just a precaution. You know perfectly safe.
Meredith: In the unlikely event of a water landing and evacuation. [echoes] Water landing, water landing, water landing.
Sheldon: I can't do this.

George Sr.: There's no way we're going to California.
Sheldon: If Stephen Hawking can make it there in a wheelchair, I'm sure we can manage.
George Sr.: Sheldon, airplane tickets are expensive. Hotels are expensive. We can't afford it.
Sheldon: But his health is fragile. This might be my only chance to ever see him in person.
George Sr.: I'm sorry, buddy.
Sheldon: I would like to discuss this further, but I only have 22 seconds to be in the shower, and buttons slow me down.

George Jr.: If the point is you made some bad decisions and turned out fine, then why you being so hard on me?
Mary: Because some decisions you cannot walk away from and they will affect the rest of your life.
George Jr.: If you're talkin' about Jana getting pregnant, she ain't gonna.
Mary: That is what I thought, and the next thing I know, I'm at the courthouse gettin' married.
George Jr.: You got married because you were pregnant?
Mary: Yes.
George Jr.: So, I was a mistake?
Mary: No! No! You are a blessin'. The mistake was lyin' to my parents, so that I could spend the night at your dad's house. And, you know, tequila.

George Sr.: All right, 34A and B this is us. All right, you want the aisle or the window?
Sheldon: Which one is assigned to me?
George Sr.: It doesn't matter, just pick one.
Sheldon: Well, if I sit by the window, I can watch the takeoff and landing, but if I sit on the aisle, I'm closer to the bathroom.
George Sr.: Here we go.
Sheldon: Although if I'm by the window, you'll have to get up when I use the bathroom. But if I'm not, I'll have to get up when you use the bathroom. Just pick one.
Sheldon: It's a tricky decision. My bladder's smaller than yours-
Meredith: Everything okay here?
George Sr.: About to be. [picks up Sheldon and puts him in a seat] Here! Aisle it is! We're good.

Meemaw: I tell you what, after practice today, you and me will do somethin' fun.
Missy: Can I have my first cigarette?
Meemaw: No!
Missy: Can I get my ears pierced?
Meemaw: Your mom won't like that. So, maybe.

Mary: Let me get a picture of my boys before their big trip.
Sheldon: It's smart to document this. Next time you see me, I'll have been in the presence of Stephen Hawking.
Mary: Smile.
Sheldon: I'd prefer to look serious. This may appear in a textbook someday.
Mary: Say, "Stephen Hawking."
Both: Stephen Hawking.
Sheldon: Aw, you made me smile.

George Jr.: See ya.
Mary: Where you going?
George Jr.: Out with Jana.
Mary: You've been spending a lot of time with her lately. Is she your girlfriend?
George Jr.: Dad, can you make her stop?
George Sr.: Yeah, I could but I won't. Also, I can't.

Mary: I just want to know what's going on in your life. And if this girl is someone special to you, then she's special to me.
George Jr.: Come on.
George Sr.: Mary, enough.
Mary: What? I want to know.
George Jr.: Bye.
George Sr.: If it helps, I don't care.
George Jr.: It does. Thank you.

Mary: Why doesn't he tell me anything?
George Sr.: When you were a teenager, did you tell your parents stuff?
Mary: Well, no.
George Sr.: Then why do you expect him to?
Mary: 'Cause I'm a cool, fun mom.
George Sr.: [snickers]

Adult Sheldon: In the early days of the Internet, you couldn't stream movies or summon Thai food to your doorstep. But if you were interested in text-based news about upcoming physics lectures, it was a great time to be alive.
Sheldon: Holy moly.

Mary: Georgie is my son I have the right to know who he's spending time with.
Meemaw: You talking about Jana?
Mary: You know her?
Meemaw: Well, I don't really know her. I've seen them hanging out together at Dale's store a couple of times. She's cute.
Mary: Great. So you know even more than I do.
Meemaw: Always have.

Mary: I know you don't want to talk, and that's fine. You can just listen. Life is hard enough if you make good decisions, but if you make bad ones, it gets even harder.
George Jr.: Nothin' was gonna happen with Jana.
Mary: Georgie-
George Jr.: No! You always assume the worst with me. I'm sorry you were a perfect kid and I'm just a screwup.
Mary: You are not a screwup. And I was not a perfect kid.
George Jr.: Oh, what'd you do, sleep through church one mornin'?
Mary: For your information I used to skip class so that I could drink beer in my boyfriend's truck.
George Jr.: Dad had a truck back then?
Mary: Not talkin' about your dad.
Mary: I also stole your meemaw's car and crashed it into a ditch.
George Jr.: Really? With that boyfriend who wasn't Dad?
Mary: Missin' the point!

George Sr.: If you want to see Stephen Hawking, we have to sit down right now.
Sheldon: It's too dangerous. I can't!
George Sr.: It's okay to be scared. Th- That's when you got to dig deep and be brave. So, what do you say?
Sheldon: No, I'm your terrified little boy!