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42Quotes from ‘Body Glitter and a Mall Safety Kit’

Body Glitter and a Mall Safety Kit

312. Body Glitter and a Mall Safety Kit

Aired January 16, 2020

As Paige struggles with her parents' divorce, Sheldon learns the art of listening. Meanwhile, George is fed up of Georgie's attitude when he asks him to mow the lawn.

Quote from Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: [v.o.] Dr. Sturgis was right. There was nothing I could do to fix this, or so I thought.
Sheldon: Can I offer you a hot beverage?
Paige: That would be nice.
Sheldon: Be right back.
Adult Sheldon: The "Hot Beverage of Comfort" would become my go-to method of dealing with someone in emotional distress. And it always worked. Except when my wife was in labor, where it was suggested I throw it in my own face.

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Dr. John Sturgis: [on the phone] What's on your mind?
Sheldon: Do you ever wish that you weren't smart?
Dr. John Sturgis: So I would be short, lonely and stupid? No, that seems worse.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: I didn't see any bow ties, just a shirt with a bad word on it. What did you put in your pocket?
Paige: Nothing.
Sheldon: Are you guys stealing? Because if you are, I am prepared to literally blow the whistle on you.

Quote from Meemaw

George Sr.: No more coffee?
Meemaw: Last cup.
George Sr.: Well, you mind making more?
Meemaw: I just sat down.
George Sr.: But you finished the pot.
Meemaw: George, if I wanted to make a cup of coffee, I'd have stayed at my house. Mmm.
George Sr.: One day I'm gonna put you in a home, and I'm gonna smile just like that.
Meemaw: That's fine. By then I won't know who you are anyway.

Quote from Sheldon

Paige: Why are you taking a backpack to the mall?
Sheldon: This is my mall safety kit. Earplugs to drown out crowd noise, Wet-Naps to wipe down escalator handrails, a compass, a map of the mall, and a whistle, in case I get lost or approached by a woman holding a perfume bottle.
Missy: You want to stuff him in there, right?
Paige: No. [nods]

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: This isn't the Hello Kitty store.
Paige: No. It's Hot Topic.
Sheldon: What's the topic, devil worship?
Missy: Hey, did you know there's a bow tie section in the back?
Sheldon: Why would they hide that in the back? [exits]

Quote from Adult Sheldon

George Sr.: What you doing?
Sheldon: Paige is feeling sad, so I'm making her a hot beverage.
George Sr.: Oh. You're a good kid. I'm proud of you.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Adult Sheldon: [v.o.] Of all my accomplishments, I don't know why he singled this moment out, but I'm glad he did.

Quote from Sheldon

Dr. John Sturgis: [on the phone] John Sturgis at your service.
Sheldon: Dr. Sturgis, Sheldon Cooper.
Dr. John Sturgis: Hello, Sheldon. How are you doing?
Sheldon: Confused, upset, annoyed, and potentially in trouble with the law.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, in which order would you like to handle this?
Sheldon: Let's start with confused, but if we hear sirens approaching, we'll jump ahead.

Quote from Meemaw

George Jr.: What's wrong with that?
Meemaw: Your dad is a grown man. He doesn't want his kid giving him money.
George Jr.: So he's glad I'm making money, but I'm not allowed to use that money to help him out? I don't get it.
Meemaw: Well, someday, when you have a bunch of sweaty, mullet-headed kids running around, you will.
George Jr.: Oh, I ain't never having kids.
Meemaw: Well, that's the smartest thing I ever heard you say.
George Jr.: Thank you.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: You swim here?
George Jr.: Dad kicked me out of his truck. I had to walk back.
Meemaw: [chuckles] What dumb thing did you say or do?
George Jr.: How do you know I'm the one who did something dumb?
Meemaw: 'Cause you kind of shine at it.
George Jr.: All I did is offer to pay to fix his AC.
Meemaw: And there it is. Dumb.

Quote from George Jr.

George Sr.: Well, I was thinking you and I could go grab a burger.
George Jr.: Why?
George Sr.: 'Cause I thought it'd be a nice thing to do.
George Jr.: Which restaurant?
George Sr.: Why does it matter?
George Jr.: Well, McDonald's burgers are fried, and sometimes I like flame-broiled.
George Sr.: Fine, we can go to Burger King.
George Jr.: I don't like the fries at Burger King. Ooh, Arby's has those curly fries. Shoot, they don't have burgers.
George Sr.: [tersely] Then let's go to Whataburger.
George Jr.: Okay, but I hope you're not this cranky the whole meal.
George Sr.: [exhales]

Quote from Sheldon

Missy: Let's just get out of here.
Sheldon: Good. Everyone behind the counter has an earring where an earring does not belong.

Quote from Coach Wilkins

Coach Wilkins: You ever tell him you're proud?
George Sr.: He knows.
Coach Wilkins: I think it's important for children to hear it.
George Sr.: You don't even have kids.
Coach Wilkins: I teach and coach teenage boys. I also put up with your childish nonsense.
George Sr.: Georgie's just being so damn disrespectful, I don't want to reward that.
Coach Wilkins: All right.
George Sr.: My father never said he was proud of me. I turned out just fine.
Coach Wilkins: George, I'm just trying to have a nice day, make some white folks uncomfortable. Can you please?

Quote from Sheldon

Mary: Okay, Paige, where should we go to get your backpack?
Paige: The Hello Kitty store.
Sheldon: I would help you find it, but this subpar mall map isn't even oriented north.
Missy: Let's go.
Mary: All right, have fun at the Hello Kitty store, and meet me at the fountain in half an hour.
Sheldon: Just to be clear, there are no actual kitties, right?

Quote from Missy

Paige: Let's go to the mall.
Sheldon: Mom doesn't like the mall.
Missy: She says the mannequins don't have enough clothes on, but I think it's 'cause we're poor.
Sheldon: We are poor. I do our taxes.

Quote from George Sr.

Mary: Apparently she's taking the divorce really hard. I guess she's been having trouble in school.
Meemaw: Aw, poor thing.
Mary: Linda thinks Sheldon might be a good influence, you know, maybe rub off on her a little bit.
George Sr.: What, she wants her kid to be more like Sheldon? I don't know what to say about that.

Quote from Billy Sparks

Billy Sparks: Hi, Mr. Cooper!
George Sr.: Billy. What are you doing? [turns engine off]
Billy Sparks: I'm mowing the lawn. What are you doing?
George Sr.: Did Georgie put you up to this?
Billy Sparks: Yeah. He's paying me.
George Sr.: That dummy.
Billy Sparks: I'm raising the money to buy a Jet Ski.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Paige, you're supposed to be doing science with me.
Paige: That's boring. I want to do something dangerous.
Sheldon: This is dangerous. We don't have an eye wash station.

Quote from Linda

Mary: You look great, by the way.
Linda: Oh, thanks. I started smoking again.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: [v.o.] I had survived a perilous trip to the accessory store, but it turned out, the real accessory was me.

Quote from Meemaw

Mary: Guess who is getting a divorce.
Meemaw: About time. Congrats.

Quote from Paige

Paige: You're being weird, and not in the usual way. Guess that's my life now.
Sheldon: What do you mean?
Paige: Everyone is acting weird. My mom is going on dates and my dad is acting like a child. My sister's crying all the time. I just wish that everything could go back to the way it was. I don't think it will.
Adult Sheldon: [v.o.] It turned out I was really good at listening. The trick is to sit there, and when you want to leave, don't.
Paige: I have to live in two separate houses. And my grandma says the meanest things about my dad. I know that everyone is upset that I'm not doing well in school. It's just hard to care. Everything that used to seem important to me just doesn't anymore. So I guess, really, I just feel alone.
Sheldon: That sounds hard.
Paige: Yeah, it is.

Quote from Sheldon

Paige: Yeah?
Sheldon: I'm listening.
Paige: To what?
Sheldon: To you.
Paige: I'm not saying anything.
Sheldon: Well, if you wanted to say anything, I'd be listening.
Paige: But I don't want to say anything.
Sheldon: And I don't want to be listening, but here we are. Are you feeling better yet?

Quote from Missy

Missy: Ow. Ow. Is there a way to do this so it doesn't hurt?
Paige: No. Beauty is pain.
Missy: Boy George must really suffer.
Sheldon: Missy, I need a moment with Paige.
Missy: Make it quick. I'm only half-beautiful.

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Sheldon: [on the phone] How do I make her understand that being smart is the best?
Dr. John Sturgis: Might I suggest, instead of trying to fix her problem, you just listen? When I was in the psychiatric ward, I learned that people who are struggling emotionally often just need to be heard.
Sheldon: Hmm. Sounds difficult, but I suppose I could try.
Dr. John Sturgis: Another thing I learned in the hospital is that some people believe there are weird mole men living in tunnels deep inside the earth.
Sheldon: Well, this has been mostly helpful.
Dr. John Sturgis: And you're mostly welcome.

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Dr. John Sturgis: [on the phone] Why do you ask?
Sheldon: Do you remember Paige?
Dr. John Sturgis: Of course, brilliant little girl.
Sheldon: I know, but she says that she doesn't want to be smart anymore.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, perhaps she's experiencing some sort of identity crisis. Is it possible her ex is dating someone who seems better for her in every imaginable way?
Sheldon: I'm confused.
Dr. John Sturgis: So am I.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Mary: So, good news. Paige is gonna spend the weekend with us.
Adult Sheldon: [v.o.] My history with Paige brought up complicated feelings. She challenged me. She disturbed me. She enraged me. Things were simpler for my simple-minded sister.
Missy: Yay!

Quote from Sheldon

Mary: Shelly, I got you something.
Sheldon: The Professor Proton Science Kit! Wait a minute. Last time you gave me a present for no reason, I had to get a booster shot.
Mary: Nothing like that. I was just thinking, it might be a fun thing for you to share with Paige.
Sheldon: Sharing. Sometimes I feel like you don't know me.
Mary: Paige is having a rough time at home right now, and I think she could really use a friend.
Sheldon: A crocodile could really use a meal, but that doesn't mean I should leap into his mouth.
Adult Sheldon: [v.o.] This was the woman who cut the crusts off my sandwiches. She had me.
Sheldon: Into the mouth I go.

Quote from George Jr.

George Sr.: Why haven't you mowed the lawn?
George Jr.: I been busy.
George Sr.: Well, you're not busy now.
George Jr.: I'm working out. Got the word "work" right there in it.

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: Get out there and mow.
George Jr.: Why? I'm making good money. I don't need an allowance, so I don't need to do chores.
George Sr.: It's not about that. You're part of this family, you still need to help out.
George Jr.: So I'm just here to do your bidding?
George Sr.: Well, and people say Sheldon's a genius.

Quote from Missy

Sheldon: 'You're so smart. Why are you acting like this?
Paige: Maybe I don't want to be smart.
Sheldon: I have to sit down.
Paige: Being smart sucks. It's the reason we moved here from Arkansas, a-and my parents never yelled at each other before that. It's just better to be normal.
Missy: It works for me. But I also have good cheekbones.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: I can't believe you stole.
Paige: You walked out with it. You stole.
Sheldon: Why would I steal glitter? I already have a sparkling personality.
Paige: Tell it to the cops.
Sheldon: Or your cellmate.

Quote from George Sr.

George Jr.: If it's about money, I've got money. It can even be a loan if it makes you feel better.
George Sr.: Don't you dare.
George Jr.: You said you're proud of my job. I don't think you are.
George Sr.: You know what? Forget lunch. Let's just go home.
George Jr.: Smart. Save some money for your truck.
George Sr.: That's it. You're walking.

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: Anyway, what I wanted to say is, even though I'm not loving your attitude lately, I think it's great you got this job and y-you're doing so well at it. I'm proud of you.
George Jr.: All right.
George Sr.: That's all you have to say?
George Jr.: Well, maybe if I wasn't sweating my balls off, I could think of something else.
George Sr.: Just stick your head out the window.

Quote from Missy

Mary: I just want to remind you both to please be sensitive about the situation with Paige's family.
Missy: She's talking to you, dingus.
Mary: Both of you.

Quote from Missy

Paige: Hi, Missy. Hi, Sheldon.
Sheldon: What did you do to your hair? Is this because your parents got divorced?
Mary: [sighs]
Missy: Dingus.

Quote from Missy

Missy: I'd rather have pink hair than together parents.
Paige: I don't blame you.

Quote from Missy

Paige: Ooh.
Missy: What's that?
Paige: Body glitter.
Missy: That's so much better than regular glitter.

Quote from George Sr.

Linda: I mean, I'm thrilled that he's gone, but I do worry about how it's affecting Paige.
Mary: Of course.
Linda: You and George have such a beautiful family. I think it's good for her to be around that right now.
George Sr.: [enters] Oh. Hey. Nice to see you. Sorry about the divorce. I got to go yell at my idiot son. [shouting] Georgie! Where are you?

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: I can't imagine talking to my dad the way this kid talks to me. I'd have had a belt on my backside so fast...
Coach Wilkins: My dad was a hugger.
George Sr.: I had to tell him three times to mow the lawn, and he still gave me attitude.
Coach Wilkins: He's going to school, holding down a job. If he was my kid, I'd be proud of him.
George Sr.: I am proud of him. When he's not being a total pain in my ass.

Quote from George Jr.

George Sr.: What the hell's wrong with you? You think it's okay for Billy Sparks to do your work?
George Jr.: I paid him. I tried to give him two dollars, but he only wanted one.
George Sr.: Damn it, Georgie, I'm trying to teach you responsibility. You can't just buy your way out of everything in life.
George Jr.: You sure? 'Cause I'll give you ten bucks to leave me alone right now.

Quote from Missy

Paige: Don't worry. I'll ask her. Ever since my parents got divorced, people can't say no to me.
[cut to:]
Paige: My mom promised she would take me to the mall to get me a new backpack, but she was so busy cleaning my dad's stuff out of the garage that I think she forgot.
Mary: Oh. Of course I can take you. Anything you need.
Paige: Thank you, Mrs. Cooper.
Missy: [quietly] Will you marry me?

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