Adult Sheldon: I wasn't getting the help I needed, so I turned to the smartest resource I knew.
Dr. John Sturgis: [on the phone] Love is a funny thing. They say, "The heart wants what the heart wants," but I think it should be, "The limbic system wants what the limbic system wants."
Sheldon: Finally, someone's making sense.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, not to brag, but when it comes to unrequited love, I'm kind of an expert.
Sheldon: Well, when I talk to Paige, all she does is drive me crazy.
Dr. John Sturgis: There's a thin line between affection and aggravation. The Roman poet Catullus said, "I hate and I love and I know not why."
Sheldon: I'm not sure what to make of that.
Dr. John Sturgis: Perhaps it'd be more useful in Latin. "Odi et amo..."

Sheldon: Ooh, maybe I'll transfer to the University of Zurich.
Missy: I thought you liked your school.
Sheldon: I did, until Paige ruined it.
Missy: Why do you care what she thinks?
Sheldon: I don't.
Missy: Sure sounds like you do.
Sheldon: I can't help it. She makes me crazy.
Missy: Then stop thinking about her.
Sheldon: I wish I could.

Mary: Well, this time I'm actually gonna get a haircut. I had a little accident.
June: Uh-oh, what happened?
Mary: Well, I was sewing and got to daydreaming...
[flashback to Mary working on the sewing machine before she starts to fantasize:]
[fantasy: Missy, Georgie and George are wearing clothes Mary made:]
Missy: I love it. You can make all my clothes from now on.
George Jr.: I'm-a wear this to the prom.
George Sr.: I was wrong, honey, you really are good at this. Boy, am I dumb.
[reality:]
[sewing machine clacking]
Mary: George! George! Help!
George Sr.: What? What's the matter?
Mary: My hair got tangled in the machine.
George Sr.: So pull it out.
Mary: Don't you think I thought of that?!
George Sr.: Well, what do you want me to do? All right, don't move.
[back:]
Mary: And here we are.
June: Okay. Let's get that hat off and see what we're dealing with.
Mary: I don't want to.
June: Oh, come on. I've been doing this a long time. I promise you I've seen worse. Oh... [chortles] That's not bad at all.

Mary: Hi.
June: Oh. Three days in a row. If you were a man, I'd think you was in love with me.

Paige: Okay. Now close your eyes and pucker up. This might tickle.
[As Paige puts two fingers on Sheldon's lips, she pulls out a magic marker and draws a mustache on his face]
Sheldon: [muffled] What's happening? Are we kissing?
Paige: You bet. How was that?
Sheldon: I didn't feel anything romantic.
Paige: Hmm. Me, either.
Sheldon: I guess it wasn't a crush after all.
Paige: I guess not.
Sheldon: Hmm. That's a relief.
Paige: It is.
Adult Sheldon: I went to three classes before I figured it out. Good thing I look spiffy in a mustache.

Paige: Uh, Sheldon, I'm really glad that you told me this, 'cause... the truth is, I feel the same way about you.
Sheldon: You do?
Paige: I mean, I've been trying to hide it, but now I don't have to anymore. This is such a relief.
Sheldon: Oh, dear. This is new information. I had been operating under the assumption that my crush was unrequited.
Paige: Oh, it's requited, Sheldon. It's very requited.
Sheldon: Hmm. [Paige moves closer to Sheldon] What are you doing?
Paige: We have a crush on each other.
Sheldon: So?
Paige: Well, now we have to kiss.
Sheldon: We do?
Paige: I mean, it's where the data has led us.
Sheldon: I suppose.

Paige: Look, Sheldon, you're not gonna convince me to come here. You're wasting your time.
Sheldon: [sighs] I'm afraid we have a bigger problem.
Paige: What are you talking about?
Sheldon: [sighs] I'm a scientist, and I have to follow the data wherever it leads, whether I like it or not.
Paige: Get to the point.
Sheldon: It seems I have a crush on you.
Paige: What?
Sheldon: I'm as surprised as you are. But I have all the symptoms according to both Dr. Sturgis and the editors of Sassy magazine.

George Sr.: So you think it's fine that she spent a hundred dollars on thread?
Coach Wilkins: I think it's fine that she has something that makes her happy. [George looks around] What are you looking for?
George Sr.: Anybody but you.
Coach Wilkins: Look, I get it. One time, Darlene got all into scrapbooking. Overnight, our den became her scrapbooking room.
George Sr.: What did you do?
Coach Wilkins: I said, "Whatever makes you happy, dear," and made love to her in the scrapbooking room.
George Sr.: Maybe if you had three kids, you'd worry more about money.
Coach Wilkins: Oh, we can't wait to have babies. I just love the way their little heads smell.
George Sr.: [loudly] Does anybody in here want to be my friend? Anybody?

Coach Wilkins: Why would you say that?
George Sr.: That is a good question.
Coach Wilkins: I mean, what is wrong with you?
George Sr.: Why is it okay when you say it?
Coach Wilkins: 'Cause clearly there's something wrong with you.

George Sr.: That's a lot of fabric.
Mary: Oh, it's not just fabric. I also got pattern books and an accessory kit.
George Sr.: Can I ask how much that all cost?
Mary: Well, it's hard to say, because in the long run I'm gonna save us money.
George Sr.: Well, what did it cost in the short run?
Mary: I don't know, a hundred dollars?
George Sr.: A hundred dollars? What is wrong with you?

Sheldon: [on the phone] I just want to know if I have a crush.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, does your heart rate elevate when you're in her presence?
Sheldon: I suppose.
Dr. John Sturgis: Does your stomach flutter?
Sheldon: Yes.
Dr. John Sturgis: Sounds like your limbic system might be doing its thing.
Sheldon: Oh, dear.

Sheldon: Missy thinks I have a crush on Paige.
George Jr.: Do you?
Sheldon: I don't know, but I know that I don't want to.
George Jr.: Well, you don't get to choose. It's just something you feel.
Sheldon: Did you have a crush on your girlfriend?
George Jr.: Yeah, I guess.
Sheldon: How did you know when you did?
George Jr.: Well, one day she came to school in these soccer shorts, and that was it.
Sheldon: What happened, you played soccer with her?
George Jr.: No, dummy.
Sheldon: Then what was the significance of the shorts?
George Jr.: I don't think I can help you.
Sheldon: Fine, I'll ask Dad.
George Jr.: Good luck. The only thing he has a crush on is beer.

Sheldon: Georgie?
George Jr.: What?
Sheldon: Can I ask you a question about girls?
George Jr.: Go ahead, but I find them very confusing.

Adult Sheldon: My sister had gotten into my head, but I needed a more reliable opinion than a magazine that included the Hottest Tips for Pouty Lips.

Adult Sheldon: I've never been good at sharing. I had to share a womb...
Missy: [over ultrasound video] Ow.
Sheldon: [over ultrasound video] Ow.
["Rico Suave" by Gerardo playing over headphones]
Adult Sheldon: ...a bedroom...
Missy: ♪ Rico...♪
Adult Sheldon: Even my train room had Georgie's sweaty weight bench in it.
George Jr.: Come on, George. One more. Feel the burn, big boy. Feel the burn.
Adult Sheldon: But when it came to academics, the spotlight was all mine.
President Hagemeyer: Sheldon, having you here has been a real boon to this university.
Adult Sheldon: [spotlight shines on Sheldon] I did love basking in its glow.
President Hagemeyer: So we could really use your help in raising the school's profile even higher.
Sheldon: Of course. My intellect is at your service.
President Hagemeyer: Excellent. There is another young physics prodigy we want you to help us recruit. Her name is Paige Swanson. [electricity crackles]

George Jr.: What you making?
Mary: A dress for Missy.
George Jr.: Did you lose your job?
Mary: No.
George Jr.: Did Dad lose his job?
Mary: It's about me doing something for myself.
George Jr.: All right, don't get sassy.
George Sr.: [enters] Hey. What's going on in here?
George Jr.: She's making clothes for Missy.
George Sr.: Uh-oh. Did you lose your job?
Mary: No.
George Jr.: She's doing something for her. [whispers] I don't get it, either.

George Jr.: What are you doing?
Mary: I'm sewing.
George Jr.: Why?
Mary: Because it's a thing I like to do.
George Jr.: I ain't never seen you sew.
Mary: Well, you're seeing it now.

Mary: When I was younger, I used to love making my own clothes.
June: Mm-hmm.
Mary: I always thought I'd do something with that. Maybe I should get back to it.
June: You definitely should.
Mary: Okay.
June: Okay. So, what are we thinking?
Mary: Actually, I don't think I need a haircut anymore. Thank you so much.
June: Oh, my pleasure. [chuckles] I got to start charging by the hour.

Mary: Sometimes I think George doesn't even see me. And it's not just him. My daughter's embarrassed of me, my boys think all I'm good for is food and clean clothes.
June: You start feeling like a ghost, right?
Mary: Yes.
June: I get it, I'm a mom.
Mary: [sighs] So did that feeling ever go away?
June: Yeah. I realized I was doing everything for everyone else, and I didn't have anything left for me. So, here we are.

Sheldon: She said she doesn't even want to come to this university.
President Hagemeyer: Well, I hope you convinced her otherwise.
Sheldon: She said she'd rather go to Harvard or Columbia.
President Hagemeyer: [scoffs] T-Those are all perfectly fine schools, but we have a lot to offer here, too.
Sheldon: I told her that, but she said I was settling because I want to live close to my mommy.
President Hagemeyer: Well, that's ridiculous.
Sheldon: That's why I came here to tell on her.
President Hagemeyer: Well, the important thing is you're here and you're happy.
Sheldon: I thought I was, but why does Paige get to go to a better school than me?
President Hagemeyer: Hey, I know what'll solve your problem. Convince Paige to come here.
Sheldon: Yeah. Wait.

Sheldon: There's the cafeteria. If you like tuna salad with hair in it. Over there is the quad. It's a nice place to relax, if you like getting hit in the head with Frisbees.
Paige: I know what you're doing.
Sheldon: No, you don't.
Paige: You have nothing to worry about. I don't want to come to this school. I'm just looking at it to make my mom happy since it's close to home.
Sheldon: Well, that's wonderful news.
Paige: Besides, I've got offers from way better universities.
Sheldon: What do you mean? What's wrong with this school?
Paige: It's fine. It's just nowhere near as good as Harvard or Columbia.
Sheldon: It is too.
Paige: If you like a substandard science department and hair in your tuna.

President Hagemeyer: I must tell you that Sheldon was very excited to hear that you might be joining us.
Linda: Well, isn't he sweet?
Paige: He's a peach.
Sheldon: All right, I'm here. [to Hagemeyer] Hello. [to Linda] Hello. [coldly to Paige] Hello.
Paige: Hi, Sheldon. I'm so excited for you to show me around campus today.
Sheldon: The only reason I'm doing it is because...
President Hagemeyer: He's excited to do it, I'm excited he's doing it. Are you excited?
Linda: Sure.
President Hagemeyer: Everyone's excited. Yay.
Sheldon: [sighs] Come on, let's go.
Paige: You and me, together again. It just feels right, doesn't it? [Sheldon grumbles]

George Sr.: What are you doing?
Mary: Look at me and tell me what you see.
George Sr.: What? Did you get a haircut? Looks great.
Mary: No, I didn't get a haircut.
George Sr.: 'Cause you don't need one. Looking good, babe.
Mary: Lord. Just tell me what you see when you look at me.
George Sr.: [sighs, mutters] I don't know what's going on, but this feels like a trap.
Mary: I went to the salon to get a haircut.
George Sr.: Knew it, looking foxy.
Mary: But I didn't get one because I don't know what I want.
George Sr.: [quietly] Oh. You know who's got good hair? Charlene Tilton.
Mary: Who?
George Sr.: That little blonde one on Dallas. People make a fuss over Victoria Principal, but Charlene Tilton...
Mary: You're not helping me, George.
George Sr.: I knew this was a trap.

Sheldon: So now I'm supposed to talk Paige into coming to my school.
Meemaw: Maybe it'll be nice to have somebody your own age to hang out with.
Sheldon: Sure, so the next time someone says, "Hey, look what the kid genius did," people will say, "Which one? There's so many."
Meemaw: I thought you and that little girl were friends.
Sheldon: Missy's her friend. I'm her rival.
Meemaw: Well, I think you're getting worked up about nothing. Maybe she won't even decide to come to this school.
Sheldon: Oh, I see where you're going. I should convince her it's a terrible school. That's brilliant.
Meemaw: That's not where I was going.
Sheldon: Too late, I'm already there.

Mary: Maybe this is a bad idea. I should come back.
June: No, no, no, no. Come on, you're already here. Either way, there's nothing wrong in a little change.
Mary: Okay. Uh... What do you think I should do?
June: Well, when you look at yourself in the mirror, who do you see?
Mary: I see a mom and... a wife.
June: Okay, that's the hair you already got. Who do you want to see?
Mary: Oh, um...
June: Maybe we start with the nails.
Mary: That's a great idea.

June: What can I do for you?
Mary: Well, I guess I'm just looking for a change.
June: Uh-oh.
Mary: What's "uh-oh"?
June: Well, nothing, it's just, when the women come in looking for a change, it's usually relationship trouble.
Mary: [laughs softly] Oh... Well, not me. I'm fine.
June: Okay, but I got a perm and a divorce in the same week and I only regret one of them. [laughs]

Brenda Sparks: Hey, Mary.
Mary: Oh, Brenda. Love the haircut.
Brenda Sparks: Thank you. I was always afraid to go short, but I figured I already lost a husband. What's a few inches off the top?
Mary: Well, you look like a new person.
Brenda Sparks: I feel like a new person. I just needed to do something for me. It was either this or get a tattoo on my thigh.
Mary: I think you made the right choice.
Brenda Sparks: Well, I guess. I mean, who's seeing me naked these days?
Mary: Well, I wouldn't know.

Sheldon: But you don't need another child prodigy. You've already got me.
President Hagemeyer: And you have been... [scoffs] so great. Just imagine what it'd be like having two of you.
Sheldon: Well, why would you want two of me? I mean, I've heard even one of me is a lot to handle.
President Hagemeyer: Well, you're not afraid of a little competition, are you?
Sheldon: From Paige? Hardly. But I should warn you, she can be very difficult.
President Hagemeyer: Well, luckily I've had some practice with that lately.
Sheldon: And how do you handle it?
President Hagemeyer: Usually I, uh, play to their egos. You know, make them feel like the smartest person in the room.
Sheldon: And they fall for that?
President Hagemeyer: Well... [chuckles] not everyone's as smart as you, Sheldon.

Missy: Ooh, maybe you have a crush on her.
Sheldon: That's ridiculous.
Missy: I don't know.
Sheldon: I don't.
Missy: You care what she thinks, you can't stop talking about her.
Sheldon: I don't have a crush on her!
Missy: Are you sure?
Sheldon: I don't know!

Missy: Okay, here we go. "Is it a crush? Take this juicy quiz and find out. Do you think about them when they're not around?"
Sheldon: Lately, yes.
Missy: "Are you jealous when other people give them attention?"
Sheldon: I suppose I am.
Missy: "Do you get nervous when you're around them?"
Sheldon: How could I not? Last time she punched me, in the face.
Missy: That was so great. "Do you talk about them all the time?" That's a big fat yes. "Do you dream about them?"
Sheldon: Oh, dear. Just last night I had a nightmare that she solved the Einstein field equations ahead of me.
Missy: That's five out of five. "You're crushing harder than Zack on Kelly Kapowski."
Sheldon: Uh, what does that mean?
Missy: Trust me, that's a big deal.

Mary: Okay, have a great day. Love you.
Missy: [covers mouth] Love you, too.
Mary: What are you doing?
Missy: I learned it in baseball. When you don't want the other team to see what you're saying.
Mary: It's okay to love your mom.
Missy: At home. Here, you get the hand.