Previous Episode Next Episode 

39Quotes from ‘Snoopin' Around and the Wonder Twins of Atheism’

Quote from Sheldon

Missy: I don't know. It seems a little scary to just stop believing.
Sheldon: Well, is it more comforting to believe in a God who could flood the world and kill everyone because he had a bad day?
Missy: That's a good point. But doesn't it upset people when you say you don't believe?
Sheldon: [chuckles] Oh, yeah.
Missy: And that doesn't bother you?
Sheldon: Does it bother you when you upset people?
Missy: I couldn't care less.
Sheldon: Welcome to atheism. Now, if you were an orc, would you like this flag?

Quote from Sheldon

Missy: What's it like to not believe in God?
Sheldon: It's great. Big fan.
Missy: Are you ever afraid you're wrong?
Sheldon: About religion? Never. About other things? Also never.

Quote from George Jr.

Missy: Do you believe in God?
George Jr.: Yeah.
Missy: But in the Bible, he does all kinds of mean stuff. If he's good, why would he do that?
George Jr.: Maybe he just wants to show he's in charge. Hulk Hogan's nice, but in the ring, he will mess you up.
Missy: That's either really smart or really stupid.
George Jr.: That's what I do.
Missy: Do you ever wonder if it's all made-up?
George Jr.: Look, this is Texas. We like football. We like God. And beef. Beef's up there, too.
Missy: But how do you know there's a God?
George Jr.: See that girl dancing in them shorts? There's a God.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: Sundays were not my favorite day. In fact, the only light at the end of the tunnel was the wry musings of Andy Rooney at the end of 60 Minutes.
Andy Rooney: [on TV] Noise is sound you don't want to hear. And of course, one person's sound is another person's noise.
Sheldon: So wry.
Adult Sheldon: The rest of the day was filled with football, church and the only school I didn't enjoy attending, Sunday school.

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: [on the phone] What did you tell her?
Brenda Sparks: Nothing.
George Sr.: Well, whatever you said's got her sniffing around me like a hound dog after a polecat.
Brenda Sparks: A hound dog after a polecat?
George Sr.: When I get nervous, I get extra country.
Brenda Sparks: Did you get country in front of her?
George Sr.: No.
Brenda Sparks: So you played it cool.
George Sr.: No.

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: [on the phone] So, we got to get our stories straight. Now, wh-what did you tell her?
Brenda Sparks: I told her we weren't together. I was there, and you were there, and other people were there, too.
George Sr.: That's good. That's good.
Brenda Sparks: So, what did you tell her?
George Sr.: I was a little rude and rushed her out of the house.
Brenda Sparks: Don't you do that all the time?
George Sr.: Oh, yeah. Oh, I guess we're okay.

Quote from Sheldon

Missy: Got a minute?
Sheldon: I'm kind of busy. I'm inventing a system of heraldry for two warring tribes of orcs in my D&D campaign.
Missy: Oh. I was hoping we could talk about atheism.
Sheldon: Much like an orc, I'm all ears.

Quote from Coach Wilkins

George Sr.: Do you have any women friends?
Coach Wilkins: Uh-oh. Mary finally wise up and kick you to the curb?
George Sr.: I'm being serious.
Coach Wilkins: I have plenty of women friends. Matter of fact, my best friend's a woman.
George Sr.: Are you gonna say your wife?
Coach Wilkins: You know I am. She got in the shower with me this morning.
George Sr.: I don't need to hear that.
Coach Wilkins: How could something be so clean and so dirty at the same time?
George Sr.: I'm sorry I asked.
Coach Wilkins: Are you upset 'cause I said she was my best friend and not you?
George Sr.: No.
Coach Wilkins: You're in the top three.
George Sr.: Stop talking to me.
Coach Wilkins: Definitely my best white friend.

Quote from Sheldon

Mary: All right, you two, get ready for bed. Church in the morning.
Missy: I'm not going.
Mary: What do you mean, you're not going?
Missy: I don't think I believe in God anymore.
Mary: What did you do to her?
Sheldon: Hey, she came to me. I mean, I took the ball and ran with it.
Missy: Look at you with a sports analogy.
Sheldon: We're both evolving. Ooh, evolution. Another thing I'll teach you about.

Quote from Mary

Mary: I don't care what you believe. You are going to church tomorrow.
Missy: I don't want to.
Sheldon: It might be fun. The new youth pastor's starting.
Missy: So?
Sheldon: We can attack his belief system together. Like the Wonder Twins of atheism.
Mary: See? Your brother's excited.
Missy: You just want the new guy to have a bad day.
Mary: I can want two things.

Quote from Mary

Pastor Jeff: I drew up a list of interview questions we can ask the pastors.
Mary: [clicks tongue] But these are all softballs. Shouldn't we dig a little deeper?
Pastor Jeff: Are you kidding me? "Who's your favorite apostle and why" is gonna have them squirming in their seat.
Mary: Oh, please, there are 11 good answers and one bad one.

Quote from George Sr.

Meemaw: I saw Brenda at the grocery today.
George Sr.: Oh, yeah? How's she doing?
Meemaw: I don't know. Something going on with her?
George Sr.: What do you mean?
Meemaw: I was just talking about what happened to y'all at the bar, and she kind of got weird.
George Sr.: Weird how? What'd she say?
Meemaw: Well, it's not so much what she said. Just kind of a vibe I got.
George Sr.: Well, maybe you made her uncomfortable. You do have that effect on people.

Quote from Meemaw

George Sr.: What's up?
Meemaw: My smoke detector's beeping again. Have you got one of those little batteries?
George Sr.: I think so. Come on in.
Meemaw: Thank you. See, I'm three beeps away from breaking out my shotgun.
George Sr.: [chuckles] I don't even put batteries in ours anymore. Do not tell Sheldon.

Quote from Mary

Mary: We're hiring a youth pastor.
Sheldon: Why?
Mary: To help get young kids excited about God.
Missy: The same God who lets babies get thrown in rivers?
Mary: What?
Sheldon: We covered Moses in Sunday school.
Mary: Oh. Well, that was Old Testament God. He gets more fun later.

Quote from Sheldon

Mary: You both liked it that day I taught Sunday school, right?
Missy: Ugh, with the snake?
Sheldon: I didn't like it, either. But I'm critical of most things.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Well, I told him religion isn't objective and there's no proof for it.
Mary: Oh, I bet he didn't like that.
Sheldon: He loved it. He quoted Kierkegaard and said if you could prove it, there'd be no room for faith.
Mary: Oh. Well, good for him.
Sheldon: He also likes homework.

Quote from Sheldon

Pastor Jeff: Back to Moses. He was found by Pharaoh's daughter and went on to lead the Israelites out of Egypt, because even when you feel lost, God has a plan for us all.
Missy: [raises hand] What was his plan for the male babies who didn't get rescued?
Pastor Jeff: It's tough to say.
Sheldon: There was a decree to throw them in the river.
Missy: Innocent babies?
Billy Sparks: That is not cool.
Pastor Jeff: That was Pharaoh, that was not God.
Sheldon: But according to you, it's all part of God's plan. How do you sleep at night?

Quote from Billy Sparks

Sheldon: She did it because Pharaoh ordered all the male babies to be killed.
Missy: That's really in the Bible?
Sheldon: Yes.
Missy: And Mom won't let me read Judy Blume.
Billy Sparks: Sheila the Great changed my life.

Quote from Pastor Jeff

Pastor Jeff: Okay. Who is your favorite apostle and why?
Pastor Rob: Ooh. I'm-a say Judas.
Mary: What? How?
Pastor Rob: Well, for man to be redeemed, our Lord had to die. If Judas hadn't betrayed him, mankind wouldn't have been saved. Pretty cool.
Pastor Jeff: [exhales] I never thought about it like that.
Pastor Rob: Well, you know, when you come at things from unexpected angles, people pay attention more. It's what I hope to do with the kids.
Peg: [chuckles] Well, you got my attention.
Mary: Hold on. I'm not sure that we should be teaching the kids that Judas was cool.
Pastor Rob: Well, I just try to see everyone the way Jesus would.
Pastor Jeff: Preach.
Pastor Rob: No, no, that's your job. Look, I just want to get the kids excited about church. Think of me as the warm-up band before you hit the stage.
Pastor Jeff: [chuckles] I think we just found our new youth pastor.
Mary: Can we discuss this?
Pastor Jeff: Of course. When can you start?

Quote from George Sr.

Brenda Sparks: It ain't pretty, but it's private. So, what's up?
George Sr.: Now, don't freak out, but Connie was at the bar asking questions.
Brenda Sparks: What the hell?
George Sr.: It's fine. I handled it. [Brenda sighs] We're all good.
Brenda Sparks: Well, I hope so.
George Sr.: We are. But I think we probably shouldn't go to the bar at the same time for a while.
Brenda Sparks: Okay. You stay home. I'll go.
George Sr.: Why me? That's where I hang out.
Brenda Sparks: I'm single. Who am I gonna meet sitting at home?
George Sr.: I don't know. Mailman? Plumber? I've seen a movie where the pizza delivery boy does pretty well for himself. [both chuckle]

Quote from Sheldon

Pastor Rob: Well, hey, y'all. I'm Pastor Rob. I'm, uh, guessing everyone knows what this is.
Missy: [raises hand] The Bible.
Pastor Rob: That's right. That's right. What else is it?
Billy Sparks: [raises hand] The word of God.
Pastor Rob: Excellent. Excellent. You know what else it is? [drops the Bible on the floor] It's just a book.
Sheldon: [whispers] I like him.
Pastor Rob: It's a good book. Got lot of great stories. Instructions on how to live life. But... [picks up the Bible] God is more than just a book. God is real. God is everywhere. And God loves you.
Sheldon: [whispers] He's losing me.

Quote from Sheldon

Pastor Rob: Yeah, I bounced around from job to job after college. Never really had a plan for what was next until one day, I felt the Lord call me to his service. [Missy raises her hand] Yes, Missy Cooper. Right?
Missy: How'd you know?
Pastor Rob: Let's see, Mary's your mother, Sheldon's your brother, and I hear you are one heck of a pitcher. I do my homework, y'all.
Sheldon: [whispers] Homework. He's winning me back.

Quote from Billy Sparks

Billy Sparks: What do you know about me?
Pastor Rob: Hmm. Billy Sparks. Sixth grade. Also plays baseball, but maybe not as good as her.
Billy Sparks: Whoa.

Quote from Meemaw

George Sr.: You want to accuse me of something, say it to my face.
Meemaw: All right, fine. You have a fight with your wife, you end up in a bar with Brenda Sparks, and now you're both acting weird about it.
George Sr.: There's no story. We're two people who went to the same bar. That's it.
Meemaw: That better be it.
George Sr.: Connie, I get it. You're protecting your daughter, but hear me when I say nothing happened.
Meemaw: Okay.
George Sr.: And I don't appreciate you snooping around behind my back.
Meemaw: You're absolutely right. I was wrong to do that. I'm very sorry. Little ticked at Nick for blabbing about it, but... I'm-I'm sorry.
George Sr.: Thank you.
Meemaw: We good?
George Sr.: We're good. [walks off]
Meemaw: "We're good" my ass.

Quote from Meemaw

George Sr.: Why the hell are you asking questions about me at the bar?
Meemaw: I don't know what you're talking about.
George Sr.: Nick told me everything.
Meemaw: Well, clearly, I was lying.

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: When you were married, would you have said that Herschel was your best friend?
Brenda Sparks: [scoffs] What married person would say that?
George Sr.: My buddy Wayne.
Brenda Sparks: Does this buddy of yours have kids?
George Sr.: No.
Brenda Sparks: Then what the hell does he know?
George Sr.: He's a very happy guy. It's exhausting. Ooh, I should get going.
Brenda Sparks: Okay. You want to take a chicken for the smoker?
George Sr.: Do I look like a vegetarian?

Quote from Meemaw

Nick: Hey, Connie. Usual?
Meemaw: Yeah. [chuckles] I spend a lot of money here, right?
Nick: [chuckles] You sure do.
Meemaw: So if my son-in-law was in here doing something stupid, I should know, right?
Nick: I guess.
Meemaw: Before he went to the hospital, was he in here doing something stupid?
Nick: Just hanging out. Why?
Meemaw: No reason. Just watching too many soap operas, I guess. [both chuckle] Let's just keep this between us, okay?
Nick: Sure thing.

Quote from Pastor Rob

Mary: Excuse me? Pastor Rob. [exhales] I'm sorry if I came off a little strong back there.
Pastor Rob: Oh. Hey, you're just trying to do what's best for the kids. I respect that.
Mary: Thank you. And I just want you to know that I am very well-connected with the parents, so if I can be of any help there, please let me know.
Pastor Rob: Yeah, you know, actually, I try not to get too close to the parents. I-I just think it's important for the kids to feel like I'm on their side.
Mary: Okay.
Pastor Rob: Ooh, maybe we could do a, uh, "good cop, bad cop" sort of thing.
Mary: [chuckles] Why am I the bad cop?
Pastor Rob: Oh, I don't have all the answers. Maybe you should ask God. Really looking forward to working with you.

Quote from Peg

Mary: So, how do you relate to young people?
Pastor Steve: Bad. Which is what kids these days say when they mean "good." It's a Michael Jackson song. [chuckles softly]
Peg: Here's another Michael Jackson song: Beat it.
Pastor Jeff: Peg.
Peg: Sorry.
Pastor Jeff: But she's right. Thank you for coming.

Quote from Peg

Pastor Jeff: So, where you from?
Pastor Charlie: Originally Rhode Island.
Mary: And you're a Southern Baptist?
Pastor Charlie: I guess I'm more of a Northern Baptist, but we're all just Baptists, right? [chuckles]
Peg: I'll show him out.

Quote from Pastor Jeff

Pastor Andy: Who is my favorite apostle and why? That is a toughie. [chuckles] [Jeff looks knowingly at Mary] Although, I suppose any answer other than Judas is safe. [Mary looks knowingly at Jeff]

Quote from Brenda Sparks

Meemaw: Sounds like you and George had a crazy night, huh?
Brenda Sparks: What? No, we didn't.
Meemaw: He has a heart attack, and you get him to the hospital. That wasn't crazy?
Brenda Sparks: No.
Meemaw: Well, thank God you were with him.
Brenda Sparks: Well, I-I wouldn't say I was "with him."
Meemaw: You weren't?
Brenda Sparks: I was there, and he was there, and other people were there.
Meemaw: Okay. [chuckles]
Brenda Sparks: You know, I'm just glad that he's doing better.
Meemaw: Mm. Yeah. Well, it's good seeing you.
Brenda Sparks: You, too.
[Brenda rushes down an aisle with her shopping cart before stopping to look back at Meemaw]

Quote from Pastor Jeff

Pastor Jeff: It's time we hire a youth pastor.
Peg: Fresh blood. I like the sound of that.
Pastor Jeff: I already put in a call to my buddy at the Southern Baptist Convention.
Mary: So, this isn't open for discussion? It's already happening?
Pastor Jeff: As they say in the rec room Tuesday nights: "Bingo!"
Peg: [hisses] S-s-sorry.

Quote from Mary

Pastor Jeff: Okay, we're gonna revisit getting me some help with Sunday school.
Mary: I am ready, willing, and...
Pastor Jeff: Nope. I want someone who can really connect with the kids.
Mary: But connecting with the kids is what I do.
Peg: What planet are you on?
[flashback:]
Mary: I'm Miss Mary, and I'll be your Sunday school teacher. [as sock puppet] Oh, no, you won't. I will. Slithers, that is a lie. And what's another name for a lie? [hissing] A s-s-sin.
[present:]
Peg: Boy did that s-s-suck.

Quote from Pastor Jeff

Pastor Jeff: And then his mother put baby Moses in a basket and sent him down the river.
Missy: [raises hand] Why?
Pastor Jeff: Maybe he was crying all night and his mother and father needed a break.
And maybe his grandmother was in town to help out, but she went to bed early because she had jet lag after her flight from Dallas.

Quote from Missy

Pastor Rob: So, what's on your mind, Missy?
Missy: Is it okay that I'm wondering if God is real?
Sheldon: I can take this one. Yes.
Pastor Rob: He is absolutely right.
Missy: He is?
Sheldon: I usually am.
Pastor Rob: Can't just believe something because people say it's true. You have to question it. It's kind of like the, uh, the scientific method, right, Sheldon? Did my homework on you, too.
Missy: But what if I decide he's not real?
Pastor Rob: Look, I'm not asking you to believe what I believe. I'm just asking you to think about what you believe. Sounds like you're already doing that.

Quote from Missy

George Jr.: Why are you watching The Ten Commandments?
Missy: I've just been thinking about God.
George Jr.: Why?
Missy: I don't understand how a God that's supposed to be good lets such bad things happen.
George Jr.: Oh. Hmm. Can you think about it while I watch Yo! MTV Raps?
Missy: Sure.
George Jr.: Dope.

Quote from Missy

Mary: Anyway, Pastor Jeff is hoping to bring in someone from the outside to help.
Missy: Oh, and you're jealous 'cause you think you can do it better.
Mary: No. I'm sure whoever we get will do a wonderful job.
Missy: She's jealous.
Sheldon: You know it's bad when I can see it.

Quote from Missy

Missy: And then Pastor Rob said it doesn't matter if I believe in God 'cause God believes in me.
Mary: I said the same thing.
Missy: Not like he did.

 Episode 501 Episode 503