Missy: What's it like to not believe in God?
Sheldon: It's great. Big fan.
Missy: Are you ever afraid you're wrong?
Sheldon: About religion? Never. About other things? Also never.

Missy: Do you believe in God?
Georgie: Yeah.
Missy: But in the Bible, he does all kinds of mean stuff. If he's good, why would he do that?
Georgie: Maybe he just wants to show he's in charge. Hulk Hogan's nice, but in the ring, he will mess you up.
Missy: That's either really smart or really stupid.
Georgie: That's what I do.
Missy: Do you ever wonder if it's all made-up?
Georgie: Look, this is Texas. We like football. We like God. And beef. Beef's up there, too.
Missy: But how do you know there's a God?
Georgie: See that girl dancing in them shorts? There's a God.

Adult Sheldon: Sundays were not my favorite day. In fact, the only light at the end of the tunnel was the wry musings of Andy Rooney at the end of 60 Minutes.
Andy Rooney: [on TV] Noise is sound you don't want to hear. And of course, one person's sound is another person's noise.
Sheldon: So wry.
Adult Sheldon: The rest of the day was filled with football, church and the only school I didn't enjoy attending, Sunday school.

Mary: We're hiring a youth pastor.
Sheldon: Why?
Mary: To help get young kids excited about God.
Missy: The same God who lets babies get thrown in rivers?
Mary: What?
Sheldon: We covered Moses in Sunday school.
Mary: Oh. Well, that was Old Testament God. He gets more fun later.

George: [on the phone] What did you tell her?
Brenda Sparks: Nothing.
George: Well, whatever you said's got her sniffing around me like a hound dog after a polecat.
Brenda Sparks: A hound dog after a polecat?
George: When I get nervous, I get extra country.
Brenda Sparks: Did you get country in front of her?
George: No.
Brenda Sparks: So you played it cool.
George: No.

Pastor Jeff: Okay. Who is your favorite apostle and why?
Pastor Rob: Ooh. I'm-a say Judas.
Mary: What? How?
Pastor Rob: Well, for man to be redeemed, our Lord had to die. If Judas hadn't betrayed him, mankind wouldn't have been saved. Pretty cool.
Pastor Jeff: [exhales] I never thought about it like that.
Pastor Rob: Well, you know, when you come at things from unexpected angles, people pay attention more. It's what I hope to do with the kids.
Peg: [chuckles] Well, you got my attention.
Mary: Hold on. I'm not sure that we should be teaching the kids that Judas was cool.
Pastor Rob: Well, I just try to see everyone the way Jesus would.
Pastor Jeff: Preach.
Pastor Rob: No, no, that's your job. Look, I just want to get the kids excited about church. Think of me as the warm-up band before you hit the stage.
Pastor Jeff: [chuckles] I think we just found our new youth pastor.
Mary: Can we discuss this?
Pastor Jeff: Of course. When can you start?

Missy: I don't know. It seems a little scary to just stop believing.
Sheldon: Well, is it more comforting to believe in a God who could flood the world and kill everyone because he had a bad day?
Missy: That's a good point. But doesn't it upset people when you say you don't believe?
Sheldon: [chuckles] Oh, yeah.
Missy: And that doesn't bother you?
Sheldon: Does it bother you when you upset people?
Missy: I couldn't care less.
Sheldon: Welcome to atheism. Now, if you were an orc, would you like this flag?

Sheldon: Well, I told him religion isn't objective and there's no proof for it.
Mary: Oh, I bet he didn't like that.
Sheldon: He loved it. He quoted Kierkegaard and said if you could prove it, there'd be no room for faith.
Mary: Oh. Well, good for him.
Sheldon: He also likes homework.

Sheldon: She did it because Pharaoh ordered all the male babies to be killed.
Missy: That's really in the Bible?
Sheldon: Yes.
Missy: And Mom won't let me read Judy Blume.
Billy Sparks: Sheila the Great changed my life.

Pastor Jeff: Back to Moses. He was found by Pharaoh's daughter and went on to lead the Israelites out of Egypt, because even when you feel lost, God has a plan for us all.
Missy: [raises hand] What was his plan for the male babies who didn't get rescued?
Pastor Jeff: It's tough to say.
Sheldon: There was a decree to throw them in the river.
Missy: Innocent babies?
Billy Sparks: That is not cool.
Pastor Jeff: That was Pharaoh, that was not God.
Sheldon: But according to you, it's all part of God's plan. How do you sleep at night?

Mary: You both liked it that day I taught Sunday school, right?
Missy: Ugh, with the snake?
Sheldon: I didn't like it, either. But I'm critical of most things.

George: What's up?
Meemaw: My smoke detector's beeping again. Have you got one of those little batteries?
George: I think so. Come on in.
Meemaw: Thank you. See, I'm three beeps away from breaking out my shotgun.
George: [chuckles] I don't even put batteries in ours anymore. Do not tell Sheldon.

Meemaw: I saw Brenda at the grocery today.
George: Oh, yeah? How's she doing?
Meemaw: I don't know. Something going on with her?
George: What do you mean?
Meemaw: I was just talking about what happened to y'all at the bar, and she kind of got weird.
George: Weird how? What'd she say?
Meemaw: Well, it's not so much what she said. Just kind of a vibe I got.
George: Well, maybe you made her uncomfortable. You do have that effect on people.

George: [on the phone] So, we got to get our stories straight. Now, wh-what did you tell her?
Brenda Sparks: I told her we weren't together. I was there, and you were there, and other people were there, too.
George: That's good. That's good.
Brenda Sparks: So, what did you tell her?
George: I was a little rude and rushed her out of the house.
Brenda Sparks: Don't you do that all the time?
George: Oh, yeah. Oh, I guess we're okay.

George: Do you have any women friends?
Coach Wilkins: Uh-oh. Mary finally wise up and kick you to the curb?
George: I'm being serious.
Coach Wilkins: I have plenty of women friends. Matter of fact, my best friend's a woman.
George: Are you gonna say your wife?
Coach Wilkins: You know I am. She got in the shower with me this morning.
George: I don't need to hear that.
Coach Wilkins: How could something be so clean and so dirty at the same time?
George: I'm sorry I asked.
Coach Wilkins: Are you upset 'cause I said she was my best friend and not you?
George: No.
Coach Wilkins: You're in the top three.
George: Stop talking to me.
Coach Wilkins: Definitely my best white friend.