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56Quotes from ‘A Computer, a Plastic Pony, and a Case of Beer’

A Computer, a Plastic Pony, and a Case of Beer

112. A Computer, a Plastic Pony, and a Case of Beer

Aired January 18, 2018

When Sheldon asks for a home computer, Mary and George disagree over whether the family can afford the expense.

Quote from George Jr.

George Jr.: What are you doing?
George Sr.: Separating the whites from the colors.
George Jr.: Whoa, that's racist.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: I could buy it for him, and then y'all could pay me back when you can.
George Sr.: Okay, Connie, now you're just insulting me.
Meemaw: Well, that was not my intention, but I'm glad to hear it.

Quote from Missy

Missy: I can't believe Mom and Dad had a fight over beer.
Sheldon: I don't think the fight was about beer. I think there was more subtext.
Missy: You're probably right. Then again, I don't know what subtext is.

Quote from George Jr.

George Jr.: Maybe you should go across the street and apologize.
George Sr.: I can't do that.
George Jr.: Why not?
George Sr.: 'Cause if I do, it sets a bad precedent.
George Jr.: What's Nixon got to do with it?
George Sr.: What?
George Jr.: You said "bad president," like Nixon. You know, this guy.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Mom?
Mary: Why are you still up?
Sheldon: Madame Curie is on the roof, and she's not wearing her hat.
Mary: You're just dreaming, baby.
Sheldon: But she'll be cold without her hat.
Mary: I'll give her mine. Now you go to sleep.
Sheldon: Mm, thanks, Mom. You're the best.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: Power has always been a deadly narcotic, and in 1989, RadioShack's Tandy 1000 SL was my drug of choice. With an Intel 8086 running at eight megahertz and a five-and-a-quarter-inch floppy drive, there was nothing I couldn't do. From adding snazzy graphics to my homework-
Sheldon: So snazzy.
Adult Sheldon: To easily alphabetizing my list of enemies and their crimes.
Sheldon: So easy.

Quote from George Jr.

George Jr.: You know that movie E.T.? The kid who finds him, his name is Elliott, which starts with an "E" and ends with a "T". Coincidence? I don't think so.
George Sr.: You're gonna live with us forever, aren't you?

Quote from Mary

George Sr.: Oh, come on. You know how I feel about your mother meddlin' in our finances.
Mary: She wasn't meddlin', she was offering to help. And that computer is not some silly toy. Sheldon could use it for his schoolwork, and I could use it to organize my recipes.
George Sr.: You already got 'em organized on those little cards.
Mary: Yeah, like a cave person.

Quote from Missy

Mary: Finish your dinner and then pack a bag. We are going to Meemaw's.
George Jr.: Why?
Mary: Because your mom and dad need a break from each other.
Sheldon: For how long?
Mary: I don't know. Just pack.
Sheldon: Will I need earmuffs?
Mary: Sure, if you want.
Sheldon: Although my almanac does predict mild temperatures.
Mary: Then don't bring it.
Sheldon: I'll just bring my almanac. You know what, I'll bring both. Should I pack my toothbrush or use the one I keep at Meemaw's?
Missy: I got this one. Nobody cares.

Quote from Missy

George Jr.: I'll get it! [answering the phone suavely] Hello, Georgie speaking.
Missy: Did you run to the phone? Do you feel stupid?

Quote from Sheldon

George Jr.: Hey. I hope you're happy.
Sheldon: Thank you, Georgie. That's very kind.

Quote from George Jr.

George Jr.: Where's the water come out of?
George Sr.: Well, seeing as that's the dryer, nowhere.
George Jr.: Hmm. So this one's the washer?
George Sr.: No foolin' you.

Quote from George Jr.

George Sr.: How did I get a rocket scientist for one son and a rodeo clown for the other?
George Jr.: Oh, man. I'd give anything to be a rodeo clown. They make people happy, and they see the rodeo for free.

Quote from George Jr.

Mary: There are expenses we could cut back on so we could afford a computer.
George Sr.: You mean like the money you give to church?
Mary: No, I mean like the money you give to the Lone Star Beer company.
George Jr.: Good one, Mom.
Mary: Shut up.
Meemaw: Shut up.
George Sr.: Shut up.

Quote from George Jr.

George Jr.: I ain't never getting married.
George Sr.: That so?
George Jr.: Yeah. Women are nothing but trouble.

Quote from George Jr.

George Sr.: This little tiff between your mom and me will blow over. Don't make a big deal of it.
George Jr.: I'm not. I'm just saying I'm better suited to the single life.
George Sr.: And how do you picture that?
George Jr.: Okay, well, you know the buffet at Golden Corral, where there's all kinds of choices and you can have as much as you want?
George Sr.: Yeah.
George Jr.: It'll be like that, only with hot girls.
George Sr.: Georgie, I'll bet you a thousand dollars you're married before you're 25.
George Jr.: You got a bet. I feel like I'm stealing your money.

Quote from George Jr.

George Jr.: Mom and Dad are fighting because you want to get a stupid computer.
Sheldon: What are you talking about?
George Jr.: Mom wanted to buy it for you, Dad said they couldn't afford it, Meemaw offered to pay for it, and now I'm eating pineapple spears for lunch. I hate making my own lunch.

Quote from Missy

Mary: Well, now, we're not exactly done shopping. Sheldon, you still want that computer?
Sheldon: I thought we couldn't afford it.
Mary: Don't you worry about that. Do you want it or not?
Sheldon: More than anything.
Mary: All right, then, let's go get it.
Missy: Wait. He gets a computer and I get a lousy toy?
Mary: I thought you liked it.
Missy: Not anymore.

Quote from George Jr.

Computer: Hello, I am Eliza.
George Jr.: [typing] Eliza, are you hot?
Computer: In your fantasies, am I hot?
George Jr.: [typing] Oh yes.
Sheldon: You realize you're not talking to a real person.
George Jr.: Hey, get out of here. I'm about to score.

Quote from Missy

Sheldon: We really need to get one of these.
Mary: What on earth do we need a computer for?
Missy: Yeah, we got you and your big head.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: But we can get so much accomplished. I could use a spreadsheet program to keep track of your expenses.
Mary: I do that in the back of my checkbook.
Sheldon: Yes, but does your checkbook go "beep" when you open it? I don't think so. Plus, the computer can organize your recipes.
Mary: But my recipes are organized.
Sheldon: On index cards. Like a cave person.

Quote from Missy

Sheldon: It's not fair. You bought Missy a Ring Pop.
Mary: For ten cents.
Missy: And I'm worth every penny.

Quote from George Sr.

Meemaw: So, Sheldon wants a computer?
Mary: Ever since he could talk. But now more than ever.
George Sr.: Well, he should get a job after school. Save up and buy one.
Mary: Get a job? He's nine.
George Sr.: I mowed lawns when I was his age. Made pretty good money.
Mary: You want Sheldon to mow lawns? He's so pale, five minutes in the sun, he'd burst into flames.
George Jr.: I would pay to see that.
George Sr.: Shut up, Georgie.

Quote from Mary

George Sr.: I'm guessing we're not having our once-a-week.
Mary: Sorry, I only have relations with gentlemen I like.

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: Oh, okay. Just so I'm clear, my money's our money, but your money's your money?
Mary: That's right.

Quote from Missy

Missy: I forgot to tell you, a girl called for you.
George Jr.: What girl?
Missy: I don't know. A girl.
George Jr.: Well, what'd she say?
Missy: It's hard to remember. This was months ago.

Quote from Sheldon

Mary: Sheldon and Missy, we are out of here in half an hour.
Sheldon: Not a lot of time to pick a toothbrush.

Quote from Mary

Meemaw: What's he got in there?
Mary: Everything.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: Well, I got to tell you how happy I am that y'all are spending the night with me.
Sheldon: Your house smells like cigarettes.
Meemaw: So happy.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: I don't want to get in your business, but since you're getting in my bed, I'm getting in your business.
Mary: Go ahead.
Meemaw: When you leaving?

Quote from Meemaw

Mary: The minute he found out I had money set aside, he felt threatened. And you know why? 'Cause it meant that I can live independent of him.
Meemaw: Sleeping in your mommy's bed?
Mary: You know what I mean.
Meemaw: You gonna buy Sheldon that computer?
Mary: Well, now I have to.
Meemaw: Got it. You do know I still have an active love life.
Mary: Just go to sleep.
Meemaw: On this very bed.
Mary: Oh, Mom.

Quote from George Jr.

George Jr.: What's for breakfast?
George Sr.: I don't know. Grab a bowl of cereal.
George Jr.: Mom usually makes us eggs and toast and the occasional meat.
George Sr.: Well, Mom isn't here, is she?
George Jr.: Whoa. Somebody woke up on the wrong side of the bed. And you had a choice 'cause you had the whole bed.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: I'm sorry, Georgie, I didn't know.
George Jr.: Yeah, well, now you do. What did you get?
Sheldon: A turkey sandwich Mom cut in the shape of a heart, a fruit cup, a brownie, and a note from Meemaw saying how much she loves me. I haven't read it yet, but I bet it's a lot.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: The home computer I had long coveted was finally in my possession, but it was also destroying my home. Thankfully, it came pre-loaded with a program to help solve personal problems.

Quote from Sheldon

Computer: Hello, I am Eliza.
Sheldon: [typing] My parents are fighting a lot.
Computer: I see. Can you elaborate on that?
Sheldon: My mother bought me this computer but my dad says we can't afford it.
Computer: Do you have issues with your mother?
Sheldon: Mmm, no. She makes me spaghetti with hot dogs cut up in it.
Computer: Can you elaborate on that?
Sheldon: Are you going to help me or not?
Computer: Hello, I am Eliza.
Sheldon: The future might be overrated.

Quote from George Jr.

George Jr.: Wait, I know what to do.
George Sr.: What?
George Jr.: Go across the street and apologize to Mom.
George Sr.: I got nothin' to apologize for.
George Jr.: You don't have to mean it. I never do.
George Sr.: Georgie, just mind your business.
George Jr.: Okay, sorry. In case you were wondering, I didn't mean that. See how easy it is?

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: Just for your information, Sheldon is using the computer right now to try and fix your marriage.
Mary: Really? What did it say?
Meemaw: It said "Get out of your mother's house."
Mary: Mom.
Meemaw: I'm serious. I want a cigarette, and I'm tired of hiding behind the garage.

Quote from Meemaw

Mary: You think I should apologize to George?
Meemaw: Well, of course not. That would set a terrible precedent. I think you should go back over there to pick up some clothes for the kids and be all cold and distant, so he has to apologize to you.
Mary: Oh, that's not bad.
Meemaw: Do it.
Mary: I will.
Meemaw: Why you drinking tea? Get out.

Quote from Sheldon

Meemaw: Hey, kids, come here. Look at that. It looks like your mom and dad are gonna be all right.
Missy: Does this mean we're going home?
Meemaw: It appears so.
Sheldon: I didn't even get to wear my earmuffs yet.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: And this program will allow us to track our family finances, create a budget, and prepare tax documents.
George Sr.: That's impressive.
Sheldon: Would you like to know how much money you spend on beer annually?
George Sr.: No.
Mary: I would.
Sheldon: $936.
Mary: George!
Sheldon: If you switched to Hawaiian Punch, we could live in a bigger house.

Quote from Missy

Missy: Cave Mom. I'm gonna call you that.

Quote from Mary

Mary: It doesn't matter, Sheldon. We can't afford a computer.
Sheldon: Sure we can. It's only $998, and Dave says we can buy it on easy monthly payments.
Dave: That's true.
Mary: Stay out of this, Dave. Come on. We got to get home.
Sheldon: But-
Mary: Sheldon, I said no.
Dave: I can make you a good deal on the floor model, Mrs. Cooper.
Mary: Seriously, Dave, you're getting on my nerves.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Sorry, Dave. We're living paycheck to paycheck.

Quote from George Sr.

Mary: Where are you going?
George Sr.: To get a glass of milk.
George Jr.: He's lying. He's getting a beer.
George Sr.: Shut up, Georgie.

Quote from Mary

George Sr.: We can't afford it, end of story.
Mary: Not exactly end of story.
George Sr.: What's that mean?
Mary: I've been setting money aside the last couple of years, and this might be a good use for it.
George Sr.: Money from what?
Mary: You know, here and there. Bookkeeping for the church, some seamstress work, birthday money from my Aunt Zelda.
George Sr.: And just how much of this "here and there" money you got saved up?
Mary: Well, seeing as it's my money, I don't think that's any of your business.
George Sr.: None of my business? You see every nickel I make, and you got secret money?
Mary: It's not secret. I just told you.
George Sr.: Where you hiding it?
Mary: Well, now you're headed into secret territory.

Quote from Mary

George Sr.: I'm glad we're not having our once-a-week 'cause I am not in the mood.
Mary: Really? That's too bad.
George Sr.: Why? Are you?
Mary: No!
George Sr.: That was uncalled for.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: Georgie married his first wife at 19. He never paid my father.

Quote from Mary

Mary: Sheldon, we've talked about this. You don't need to announce to people how things smell.

Quote from Sheldon

Missy: Are you and Dad gonna get a divorce?
Mary: Of course not.
Sheldon: Are you sure? Packing up your kids in the middle of the night and moving in with your mom has all the earmarks of a divorce.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: I love you, and I love the kids, but I love you better living across the street.
Mary: Sorry the end of my marriage is inconveniencing you.
Meemaw: Oh, don't be so dramatic. It's a little spat.
Mary: No, this was a long time coming. This goes to the very core of our relationship.
Meemaw: I see we're sticking with dramatic.

Quote from George Jr.

George Jr.: You going to apologize? Dad! Dad! If you are, bring back meat!

Quote from Missy

Missy: Oh, Sugar Apple, I love you so much.
Sheldon: Your affection for inanimate objects frightens me.
Mary: I'm glad you're happy, Missy.
Missy: I'm even happier that I got a toy, and Sheldon got nothin'.

Quote from George Jr.

George Sr.: Okay, water's definitely on. Try it now.
George Jr.: We want delicate or regular?
George Sr.: It doesn't matter, just turn it on.
George Jr.: Let's go with delicate to be safe.

Quote from Mary

Mary: These home computers are amazing. I could start a real bookkeeping business with that thing.
Meemaw: And that would go a long way to giving you the financial independence you're looking for.
Mary: Darn tootin'.

Quote from Missy

Mary: Missy! Turn off the computer. Time to go to bed.
Missy: I got to finish my homework! [playing Wheel of Fortune on the computer] Big money, big money. Yes!

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: Button you pull, that's stupid.

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