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38Quotes from ‘A Political Campaign and a Candy Land Cheater’

: A Political Campaign and a Candy Land Cheater

219. A Political Campaign and a Candy Land Cheater

Aired April 25, 2019

When Sheldon gets tired of school funds going to the football program rather than the science department, he decides to run for class president.

Quote from Sheldon

Principal Petersen: [screams]
Sheldon: [screams]
Principal Petersen: What are you doing, standing there?
Sheldon: I wrote a formal complaint letter to the school board on how much money is spent on football. I was hoping you could deliver it to them.
Principal Petersen: You do realize your father's a coach here.
Sheldon: Yes, sir, I do.
Principal Petersen: Maybe you ought to talk to him about this first.
Sheldon: I did. He didn't care for the idea at all.
Principal Petersen: Well, there you go.
Sheldon: There I go what?
Principal Petersen: Let me see that. "Barbaric sport encourages bloodlust similar to Roman gladiator games Christians, lions money better spent on science and learning." You're joking, right?
Sheldon: Did you see the word "bazinga" anywhere in that letter?
Principal Petersen: Out.

Quote from Missy

Sheldon: Guess what. I'm running for class president.
Mary: Good for you.
Missy: You're encouraging him? He's gonna get destroyed.
Mary: You don't know that.
Missy: I feel like I do.
Mary: Well, whether you win or not, I think it's great that you're trying.
Sheldon: But you think I'll win, right?
Missy: God's listening, Mom.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Hello, I'd like to speak to the mayor, please. My name is Sheldon Cooper. I'm running for class president and was hoping he could give me some advice. I'm ten years old. But if it helps get him on the phone, I'm well-behaved, a straight-A student, and have impeccable hygiene.

Quote from Sheldon

Mayor Harrison: Hello. This is Mayor Harrison. I understand you are running for office.
Sheldon: Class president. Do you have any advice on how to win?
Mayor Harrison: The most important thing is to get out there and connect with people.
Sheldon: That's tricky. I'm not terribly fond of people.
Mayor Harrison: Well, you might need to get over that.
Sheldon: Assuming I can, how do I connect with them?
Mayor Harrison: A friendly handshake is a great start.
Sheldon: Oh, boy. Now I have to touch them?

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Hello. I'm Sheldon Cooper, and I'm running for class president.
Abby: Yeah?
Sheldon: I understand you had a baby last year. If you bring it in, I'll try to kiss it.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Hello, this is Sheldon Cooper. Can I please speak with Pastor Jeff?
Pastor Jeff: Hey, Sheldon, what can I do for you?
Sheldon: I need to give a speech at school, but I have a fear of public speaking. Since you give a sermon every Sunday, I was hoping you'd have some words of advice.
Pastor Jeff: As a matter of fact, I do. When I look down on my congregation and I feel nervous, I just ask the Lord to speak through me.
Sheldon: Like a ventriloquist?
Pastor Jeff: Not exactly. I think of it more as a-
Sheldon: Like one of the Muppets?
Pastor Jeff: No, not that either.
Sheldon: 'Cause you do look a little like Kermit.
Pastor Jeff: Uh, okay, good luck to you, Sheldon.

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Dr. John Sturgis: Hello.
Sheldon: Dr. Sturgis. Can you give me any advice on how to overcome a fear of public speaking?
Dr. John Sturgis: Ah, you know, when I was a young man I had a terrible fear of speaking to an audience.
Sheldon: What did you do?
Dr. John Sturgis: Actually, it kinda took care of itself. One day I was, uh, playing miniature golf with some colleagues and I got struck by lightning.
Sheldon: Oh, dear.
Dr. John Sturgis: No, it was fine. When I came to, I found myself with the gift of gab. Big crowds, small crowds, you couldn't shut me up.
Sheldon: I don't see how that can benefit me.
Dr. John Sturgis: Not unless you'd like me to take you miniature golfing next time there are clouds on the horizon.

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: Everything okay?
Sheldon: No. I have to give a speech in front of the entire assembly.
George Sr.: Oh. Got a little stage fright?
Sheldon: Unfortunately so. Just thinking about it causes my bladder to misbehave.
George Sr.: Yeah, I been there.
Sheldon: You have?
George Sr.: Sure. When I first started coaching, I was real nervous to talk to the team, you know, give a locker room speech. Then, one day it dawned on me, I'm not just talking to football players, I'm talking to teenage football players. Most of them aren't listening to a word I'm saying.
Sheldon: That's an interesting perspective.
George Sr.: I'll tell you something else. You don't give yourself enough credit for how brave you are.
Sheldon: I don't?
George Sr.: No. Sheldon, you are ten years old, going to high school. Everyone's older than you, everyone's bigger than you, but you keep at it, day after day. That's brave. Any kid who can do that could give a speech to the United Nations if he had to.
Sheldon: Thanks, Dad.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Please rise for the Pledge of Allegiance. I pledge allegiance to the Flag Of the United States of America And to the Republic for which it stands One Nation Here's a fun fact about the next two words: "Under God" wasn't added to the Pledge of Allegiance until 1954. My first act as your president is to remove the words "under God" from the Pledge in order to honor the separation of church and state in this public high school.
Principal Petersen: Okay, that's enough.
Sheldon: You can't take my microphone. I'm the president.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: Not all science is created equal. There's physics, the undisputed king of science.
There's chemistry. It's no physics, but it's not a bad way to pass a rainy afternoon. And then there's biology, the squishiest of the sciences.

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: And then there was some extra money in the budget, so I was able to order those tackling dummies I had my eye on.
Sheldon: I don't understand why the football program gets so much money, while the equipment in the science lab is outdated and falling apart.
George Sr.: Oh, I can explain that. This is Texas. Pass the ribs.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: You know, Moon Pie, in the '60s, when the hippies wanted to change things, they would just protest.
Missy: You were a hippie?
Meemaw: Oh, no. But I wrote a letter complaining about the hippies, and the police chased 'em right out of that park. So my point is maybe you could write a letter.

Quote from George Sr.

Sheldon: Ooh! Maybe I can lodge a formal complaint with the school board about the sports budget infringing on the other departments.
George Sr.: Okay, last time: Canada, the other states, us.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Hello.
Ms. MacElroy: [screams]
Sheldon: [screams]
Ms. MacElroy: What?
Sheldon: I understand that you're in charge of student elections.
Ms. MacElroy: I am.
Sheldon: I'd like to run for class president.
Ms. MacElroy: Really?
Sheldon: Really.
Ms. MacElroy: Okay. You can sign up, but I have to warn you You'll be running against Nell Cavanaugh.
Sheldon: So?
Ms. MacElroy: She's well-liked by the student body.
Sheldon: So?
Ms. MacElroy: These elections tend to be a bit of a popularity contest.
Sheldon: So?
Ms. MacElroy: You're gonna make me say it, huh?
Sheldon: Say what?
Ms. MacElroy: People don't like you.
Sheldon: Well, as my meemaw likes to say, water off a duck's back. Elections shouldn't be about popularity. They should be about who has the best ideas.
Ms. MacElroy: And what's your idea?
Sheldon: Less money on football, more on science.
Ms. MacElroy: Really.

Quote from Missy

Mary: I think it's certainly possible. Do you have a campaign strategy?
Sheldon: No.
Mary: Do you have a catchy slogan?
Sheldon: No.
Missy: Does he have a shot at winning? No.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Greetings, fellow students. I'm running for class president. Here's a button. Have a grown-up put them on you. They're sharp.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Vote Sheldon for class president. Don't worry It's a number two. You can use it on standardized tests.
Nell Cavanaugh: Okay.
Sheldon: And, of course, homework. I love homework.
Nell Cavanaugh: Well, it's so nice to finally meet you. I'm Nell Cavanaugh.
Sheldon: My opponent. I would shake your hand, but my mom is washing my mittens.
Nell Cavanaugh: Okay.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: This was a great idea. Children like cupcakes, and, by giving them cupcakes, they'll transfer that affinity to me.
Mary: That's another way of looking at it.
Sheldon: By that reasoning, a rich person could simply buy people's votes.
Mary: It's been known to happen.
Sheldon: Until my ship comes in, I guess it's cupcakes.

Quote from George Jr.

Veronica: Georgie, check it out.
George Jr.: Oh, man, I hate that he's doing this.
Veronica: What? It's cute.
George Jr.: It's embarrassing.
Veronica: I would think you'd be proud of him.
George Jr.: That's 'cause you're a better person than me.
Veronica: Maybe you ought to ask God to take away your anger and replace it with love.
George Jr.: Can I ask him to take away my brother instead?
Veronica: Georgie.
George Jr.: Not kill him Just strand him on an island somewhere. A nice island, with coconuts and stuff.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Nell Cavanaugh, it appears we're taking the mittens off.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Anything you can do to help me win a decisive victory come Election Day would be much appreciated.
Mr. Givens: Oh, well, I'm sorry, Sheldon, the faculty doesn't get involved in student elections.
Sheldon: Oh, I understand. You have to remain neutral. Wink, wink.
Mr. Givens: I'm sorry, wink, wink?
Sheldon: You want new science equipment and I want that for you. One hand washes the other. Wink, wink.
Mr. Givens: Oh, sure, wink, wink.
Sheldon: Now you're getting it. Wink, wink.
Mr. Givens: Wink, wink.
Sheldon: Wink, wink.
Mr. Givens: That kid creeps me out.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: Another hurdle in my political career was glossophobia: fear of public speaking.
I've been known to experience dry mouth, perspiration, heart palpitations, and fainting. A similar response to what I experience around unleashed dogs.

Quote from Missy

Sheldon: Well, it's not fair. It's a school. Education should be their priority.
George Sr.: All right, I'll explain it again-
Meemaw: I think Shelly's got a point. The school is supposed to prepare these kids for the future. How many of 'em are gonna be professional football players?
Missy: No one at this table.

Quote from Sheldon

Meemaw: But how many of 'em are gonna be scientists?
Sheldon: I know.

Quote from George Sr.

Mary: George, isn't there a way they can take some of the football money and spend it on science?
George Sr.: Really? I need to explain it again?

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: President Cooper. That's serendipitous.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: Well, that's unfortunate.
Sheldon: Oh, this goes well beyond unfortunate. It's flat-out unfair.
Meemaw: Did you not say that you love homework?
Sheldon: Of course I said it. I say it all the time. But she took it out of context and is using it against me.
Meemaw: Well, that is what happens in politics. People stretch the truth.
Sheldon: Well, those people are dirty dogs.
Meemaw: They certainly are. Now, let me ask you something. How bad do you want to win this election?
Sheldon: Bad enough to let 105 kids shake my mitten.
Meemaw: Okay, then you need to toughen up. Politics is not for the weak-kneed.
Sheldon: Are you suggesting that I fight fire with fire?
Meemaw: I am. So going to my room and crying in my pillow is not an option?
Meemaw: It is not.
Sheldon: Then I have some thinking to do.

Quote from Missy

Missy: Oh, yeah. You're screwed.
Sheldon: Which is why I need your help.
Missy: Why me?
Sheldon: You're ruthless. I've seen you cheat at Candy Land.
Missy: Thanks. Go on.

Quote from Missy

Sheldon: Well, I'd like to retaliate, but I don't know anything about her.
Missy: Make something up. Ooh, tell people she has head lice.
Sheldon: I won't resort to lying.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Georgie, I hate to have to ask this, but are you going to vote for me?
George Jr.: No. Go away.
Sheldon: Are you sure? If I win, I can make you a hall monitor. Imagine the respect you'll get then.
George Jr.: Get lost.

Quote from George Jr.

George Jr.: Lord, please take away my anger toward my stupid brother. My life is hard enough.
Don't let him be president. And while we're talking, Veronica help me out. Encourage her to do something with me she'll regret. Amen.

Quote from Mr. Givens

Mr. Givens: Remember, tomorrow we'll be dissecting worms! [class groan] Ah, your sadness makes me happy.

Quote from Mr. Givens

Sheldon: Mr. Givens, I just wanted you to know that I'm still working hard on my campaign to get more funding for the science department.
Mr. Givens: Oh, great, 'cause I've got to dig up tomorrow's worms myself.

Quote from George Sr.

Mary: I heard what you said in there. That was very beautiful.
George Sr.: Thanks. I gave a similar speech to my team last week. Boy, did we get our asses kicked.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: Emboldened by my father's pep talk, I began working on my speech. I aspired to walk in the footsteps of history's greatest orators: Socrates, Winston Churchill, and, last but not least, Professor Proton.

Quote from Missy

Missy: Hey, I spoke to Nell's sister. Found out some interesting stuff.
Sheldon: Thanks, but I've decided I don't want to stoop to her level. If I can't win on the quality of my ideas, then I'd rather lose with my head held high.
Missy: That's really stupid, but in case you change your mind.

Quote from Nell Cavanaugh

Nell Cavanaugh: Thank you, Ms. MacElroy, Principal Petersen, our hard-working teachers, and my fellow students. I'm blessed to call so many of you friends. Y'all probably know everything about me already. Lord knows I love to talk. So instead of going on about myself, I'd like to talk to you about my opponent. Sheldon Cooper has been lobbying for new science equipment here at Medford High, and while that sounds wonderful, the truth is, he thinks our school wastes its money on football. Do we really want a class president who doesn't care about football? No! I know I am proud to be a Medford High cheerleader, and I love football! But you know the one thing I love more than football? God. Let me tell you another interesting fact about my opponent. Did you know that Sheldon Cooper is an atheist? That's right. He doesn't believe in God. Just keep that in mind when you cast your vote today. I'm Nell Cavanaugh. Go Wolves!

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: Before I became Dr. Sheldon Cooper, I was President Sheldon Cooper. And I don't mind telling you, they both look pretty darn good on business cards. One of my first responsibilities as class president was delivering the morning announcements.

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