Previous Episode Next Episode 

33Quotes from ‘One Bad Night and Chaos of Selfish Desires’

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Dr. John Sturgis: So, what brings you here?
Sheldon: Well, I did something wrong, and yet I've received no punishment. What's my incentive to behave morally if the rules of society aren't being enforced?
Dr. John Sturgis: Reminds me of the Ring of Gyges.
Sheldon: I'm not familiar with the Ring of Gyges.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, it's a delightful brainteaser. Plato asked the question: If you could wear a ring that made you invisible, what would prevent you from committing the most horrendous crimes?
Sheldon: Sounds an awful lot like the Ring of Sauron in The Lord of the Rings.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh. I'm not familiar with The Lord of the Rings.
Sheldon: Oh, it's a delightful series of fantasy books in which there's a ring that makes the wearer invisible but also leads to moral corruption.
Dr. John Sturgis: Ooh. Perhaps you should read Plato, and I should read The Lord of the Rings.
Sheldon: You should really start with The Hobbit.
Dr. John Sturgis: What's a hobbit?
Sheldon: It's a race of short humanoids who live in burrows and have hairy feet.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh. I've been called that. But I never knew what it was.

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Sheldon: I still don't understand why you'd rather work here than be a physicist.
Dr. John Sturgis: I'm enjoying the change of pace. And they let me take home all the expired food I want.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: I'm having a moral quandary, and I could really use your help.
Meemaw: Oh, moral quandaries. I hate those. Shoot.
Sheldon: You're the least moral person I know... How do you live with yourself?
Meemaw: I'm about to shut this door in your face.
Sheldon: See? Other people would be kind to a child in need. That's why I came to you.
Meemaw: Okay, fine. What do you want?
Sheldon: I'm confused as to how to go about my business after misbehaving and not being punished.
Meemaw: And where do I come in?
Sheldon: You tell lies, you gamble, you have quite the potty mouth, and yet you never seem to pay a price for any of it.
Meemaw: Well, when you're cute like me, rules are just a little different.
Sheldon: Hmm. That would also explain the endless parade of romantic partners. [Meemaw slams the door] Are you leaving because you have a man in there?
Meemaw: No!
Sheldon: Hmm. Although she would lie about it, so who knows?

Quote from George Jr.

George Jr.: What are you doing?
George Sr.: Trying to fix this radio.
George Jr.: Should you be doing that with a weak heart?
George Sr.: I'm just sitting here.
George Jr.: You look a little sweaty.
George Sr.: What do you want?
George Jr.: I'm gonna go hang out with Jana. Just wanted to make sure you're doing okay.
George Sr.: Hold on. Are you worried I'm gonna have a heart attack and interrupt "private time" with your girlfriend?
George Jr.: Yes.
George Sr.: At least you're honest.
George Jr.: Glad you think so. Bye.
George Sr.: See you.

Quote from Sheldon

Mary: Hey. Pastor Jeff is here. You up for some company?
George Sr.: You bet! [to Sheldon] Got to talk to the pastor. Git.
Pastor Jeff: Hey, George, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Excuse me, I have to "git."

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Missy and I broke a lot of rules the other night, and we've received no punishment.
George Sr.: [sighs] Buddy, it's been a rough week. We're just glad you're both safe.
Sheldon: But in the absence of a divine being, society's rules are what keeps a person's morality in check.
George Sr.: Well, there you go.
Sheldon: No, y-you're not following me. If actions have no repercussions, society breaks down, everything devolves into chaos.
George Sr.: You might be overthinking this.
Sheldon: I thought so, too. Then I thought about it, and I'm not.
George Sr.: Sheldon, you had one bad night. Just let it go.
Sheldon: But... I did something wrong and I got away with it. That's not okay.
George Sr.: Buddy...
Sheldon: Socrates maintained that the man who lies to himself has an enemy living within. He's not even a person. He's just a chaos of selfish desires wrapped in an animal hide.

Quote from George Sr.

Adult Sheldon: With my father home from the hospital, my mother had instructed us to let him relax. And what could be more relaxing than a spirited discussion of societal rules and morality?
Sheldon: Dad.
George Sr.: What's up?
Sheldon: I'm struggling with an ethical crisis.
George Sr.: Be a kid. Quit struggling.

Quote from Pastor Jeff

Pastor Jeff: Just wanted to bring by some get-well cards from the kids at Sunday school.
George Sr.: Well, isn't that sweet.
Pastor Jeff: Some interesting spellings of the name "George." My favorites are "Gorge" and "Garage." [chuckles]
George Sr.: Well, you tell the kids that Coach Gorge appreciates it.
Pastor Jeff: Will do.

Quote from Pastor Jeff

George Sr.: You want to sit?
Pastor Jeff: I'm not gonna stay long. I just want to pray over you a little and let you get some rest.
George Sr.: Oh. Okay, yeah, sure.
Pastor Jeff: Lord, I thank you for George Cooper and pray that you heal him from the inside out. This is a good man, a family man, a devoted father and a faithful husband. Bless him and everything he does. Amen.
Mary: Heck yes, amen!

Quote from Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: My meemaw didn't understand. When I was feeling anxious, it was rules and structure that I found soothing... Not to mention the relaxing melody of the Star Trek theme song.
Sheldon: [humming Star Trek theme]
Meemaw: Stop that.
Sheldon: As soon as I'm soothed. [resumes humming Star Trek theme]

Quote from Sheldon

Meemaw: Hmm, all right, you two try and get some sleep, okay?
Missy: Meemaw? Do you think I gave Dad a heart attack?
Meemaw: What? No. This isn't your fault.
Missy: I was really mean to him.
Sheldon: I was mean to him as well.
Missy: What I did was so much worse.
Sheldon: That is true. When we're receiving our punishment, they should really let you have it.
Meemaw: Okay, y'all go to sleep.
Sheldon: But I was just an accomplice. It wouldn't be fair if we got equal punishment.
Meemaw: Sleep.

Quote from Sheldon

Meemaw: Hey. Good news. Your dad's doing okay and should be home in a couple of days.
Missy: Thank God.
Sheldon: Thank modern medicine.

Quote from Missy

George Sr.: So, what happened?
Missy: You're not gonna believe this, but he was hanging out with another girl behind my back.
George Sr.: Oh, well... Maybe they're just friends.
Missy: Heather M. saw them holding hands at the roller rink. Does that sound like friends to you?
George Sr.: Well... no. [swallows]
Missy: Are all boys liars?
George Sr.: Uh... no.
Missy: I mean, how could he do this to me? I thought I could trust him. Did he think I wouldn't find out?
George Sr.: You know what, kiddo? I think it's time for Daddy to take his heart pills. [pills rattle]
Missy: I'm glad we talked.
George Sr.: [chuckles] Oh, me, too, me, too.
Mary: [enters] Hey.
George Sr.: Hmm?
Mary: I just wanted to let you know I invited Brenda over for a big thank-you dinner.
George Sr.: [spits out water] [chuckles] Oh. Terrific. [sighs; coughs]

Quote from George Jr.

George Jr.: [on the phone] Well, is he gonna be okay?
Meemaw: You know as much as I do. Now help me find the kids.
George Jr.: I'm on it. I have an idea where they went.
Meemaw: Great. And where are you, by the way?
George Jr.: Uh, at work.
Meemaw: This time of night? Why?
George Jr.: Got to find the kids. [hangs up]

Quote from George Jr.

Jana: You sure your boss isn't gonna show up?
George Jr.: Yeah, but not positive. So let's keep this train on the tracks. [pager beeps]
Jana: Aren't you gonna check that?
George Jr.: Nope.
Jana: But what if it's an emergency?
George Jr.: It's not. I'm turning this off. [looks at pager] Dadgummit!

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: Less monkey, more Clint. There we go.

Quote from George Jr.

George Jr.: Ooh. I'm in time for dinner. Good. 'Cause I have worked up an appetite.

Quote from Sheldon

Missy: How am I supposed to compete with a seventh grader? Mom won't even let me shave my legs.
Sheldon: Can we please go home?
Missy: You can. I'm not.
Sheldon: As we've established, woods: very scary, me: very scared.
Missy: Then I guess you're here until the sun comes up.
Sheldon: So I'll be able to see what kill me? Pass. Can you at least go back to complaining about boys so I can get some sleep?
Missy: We licked the same Ring Pop once. It's like it meant nothing.

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: Bad enough they rolled me out in a wheelchair I didn't need. You could've let me drive.
Mary: You got winded getting in the car.
George Sr.: You heard that, huh?

Quote from George Sr.

Brenda Sparks: Psst. George.
George Sr.: What's up?
Brenda Sparks: How you doing?
George Sr.: Hanging in.
Brenda Sparks: So... is it weird, me coming over for dinner?
George Sr.: What do you mean?
Brenda Sparks: You know exactly what I mean.
George Sr.: Brenda, I had a lot to drink that night. You know, I don't remember much.
Brenda Sparks: You don't?
George Sr.: No, I do not. [nods]
Brenda Sparks: Oh. Okay. I guess I don't either.
George Sr.: Great. See you at dinner.
Brenda Sparks: Yeah, mm-hmm.

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: Look, I'm-I'm sorry about earlier.
Brenda Sparks: It's okay. I understand.
George Sr.: I just don't want this to be weird. We're neighbors. You and my wife are friends. Your kids aren't here, right?
Brenda Sparks: No.
George Sr.: S-So, we're-we're neighbors. You and my wife are friends.
Brenda Sparks: That's why it's weird, George.
George Sr.: But nothing actually happened. There's no reason to feel guilty.
Brenda Sparks: Okay.
George Sr.: I mean, did we have too much to drink? Sure. Did-did we talk about going home from the bar together?
Brenda Sparks: Okay, I'm sorry about that.
George Sr.: No need to apologize, 'cause we didn't go. All we did was have a nice time in a public place. Mm? Is there anything wrong with that?
Brenda Sparks: Kind of feels like it.
George Sr.: It does feel like it. Why does it feel like it?
Brenda Sparks: [sighs] Maybe... ...'cause it was nice to talk to someone and feel special.
George Sr.: It was.
Brenda Sparks: Mm, maybe you should go.
George Sr.: I should go.
Brenda Sparks: Thanks for stopping by.
George Sr.: Yeah.

Quote from George Sr.

Mary: Should we talk about what happened the other night?
George Sr.: What happened the other night?
Mary: Us having that huge fight.
George Sr.: Oh, that, that. Forget it.
Mary: [scoffs] How can I?
George Sr.: It was a bad night. I say best thing is to put it in the rearview mirror.
Mary: [sighs] Oh, I would love that.
George Sr.: Done. The other night never happened.
Mary: Thank you.
George Sr.: [sighs]
Disc Jockey: And up next, we've got a twofer of Lynyrd Skynyrd coming at you.
[As "What's Your Name" starts to play, George turns off the radio]
George Sr.: [chuckles] Could use a little peace and quiet.

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: And then Missy starts tearing everybody a new one, 'cause her little boyfriend broke up with her.
Brenda Sparks: Poor thing. But good training for when her husband dumps her one day.
George Sr.: [chuckles] I'm sorry about that.
Brenda Sparks: No, you know what, the truth is, it was over a while ago.
George Sr.: It happens.
Brenda Sparks: But, hey, he's got the kids tonight and ladies drink half price, so let's pretend I'm a lady.
George Sr.: [laughs] Yes, ma'am.
Brenda Sparks: Mm. You look like you could use a shot with that beer.
George Sr.: Shots? I got school in the morning.
Brenda Sparks: Oh. I didn't realize we were both here for ladies' night.
George Sr.: Can we get some shots over here?

Quote from George Sr.

[George's monitor is beeping steadily]
Mary: Hi.
George Sr.: Hey.
Mary: Look who I have with me.
Brenda Sparks: Hey, George.
George Sr.: Brenda. [monitor beeps rapidly]
Mary: Are you okay? Do you need a doctor?
George Sr.: Oh, no. Nah, I was just... excited to see you, hmm? [monitor beeping faster] [rapid beeping] [George pulls of his monitor clip] [alarm beeping] [nervous chuckle]

Quote from Mary

Brenda Sparks: Yeah, um... Yeah, I'm gonna get out of here. You go see George.
Mary: What? No! You might have saved his life. He's gonna want to thank you.
Brenda Sparks: You know, that's nice, but I think it's best if...
Mary: Brenda, I insist.
Brenda Sparks: Okay.
Mary: Okay. Come on.

Quote from Sheldon

George Jr.: [calls] Missy? Sheldon!
[As Georgie barges into the cabin, a startled Sheldon wakes up and falls off his crate. Missy is a woken and flings the lamp at the wall]
George Jr.: [gasps] What the hell?!
Missy: You scared me.
George Jr.: You scared me.
Sheldon: Everyone scared me.

Quote from Mary

Mary: Brenda. Have you heard anything?
Brenda Sparks: Not yet.
Mary: Oh, what happened?
Brenda Sparks: Um, I- I ran into George at the bar, and... next thing I know, he started having chest pains.
Mary: [sighs] Well, thank the Lord you were there with him.
Brenda Sparks: Oh. I really didn't do anything.
Mary: Don't say that! Who knows what would've happened if you hadn't been there?
Brenda Sparks: [chuckles awkwardly] Yeah.

Quote from George Sr.

Brenda Sparks: You want to dance?
George Sr.: [chuckles] Me? No.
Brenda Sparks: Oh, come on.
George Sr.: No. There's people here.
Brenda Sparks: Well... then what if we go someplace else?
George Sr.: What do you have in mind?
Brenda Sparks: Herschel does have the kids. [off George's look] Oh, God, I'm sorry. [laughs] That was... That was over the line. [George groans] [George pants] You okay? George?

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: Oh! I love Skynyrd!
Brenda Sparks: You know what? I saw them play Dallas.
George Sr.: You're kidding. Wh-What year?
Brenda Sparks: I'd just got kicked out of beauty school, so I guess... [sighs] '76?
George Sr.: I was at that show!
Brenda Sparks: Stop it.
George Sr.: Nah. Nazareth opened.
Brenda Sparks: Oh, my God. They did. They did. [chuckles]
George Sr.: Small world.
Brenda Sparks: Yeah.

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: [laughs] You were a cheerleader?
Brenda Sparks: Yeah. I mean, you wouldn't know it to look at me now.
George Sr.: Don't say that. I can totally see you on top of that pyramid.
Brenda Sparks: Oh, I was on the bottom, and you know it. But at least I could fill out a sweater.
George Sr.: You and me both, sister.

Quote from Missy

Missy: Can I talk to you?
George Sr.: Of course. What's up?
Missy: I feel really bad about the other day. I was so mean to you.
George Sr.: Don't worry about it.
Missy: But you were just trying to help and then I yelled at you and then you had a heart attack.
George Sr.: [stammers] That had nothing to do with you.
Missy: [crying] We don't know that.
George Sr.: Hey. Hey-hey. Come here. [Missy sniffles] [George chuckles and sighs]
Missy: I'm so sorry.
George Sr.: Shh. [Missy sniffles]

Quote from Missy

Missy: And now I'm gonna need a new notebook, 'cause mine has "Missy and Marcus forever" written all over it. [Sheldon snores]

Quote from Missy

Adult Sheldon: In the face of a chaotic world, we all seek comfort in different ways. Some turn to a higher power.
Mary: Lord, please protect my family, keep them in your hands. All my cares, all my worries, all my fears for them...
Adult Sheldon: Some take refuge in fictitious worlds.
Spock: [on TV] My congratulations, Captain. A dazzling display of logic.
Captain Kirk: [on TV] You didn't think I had it in me, did you, Spock?
Spock: [on TV] No, sir.
["Learning to Fly" by Tom Petty playing]
Sheldon: So great.
Adult Sheldon: And one person I know relied on lighter fluid and a match.
Missy: That's right, burn.
Mary: What are you doing?!
Missy: Moving on.
Mary: From what?

 Episode 418 Episode 502