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50Quotes from ‘Spock, Kirk, and Testicular Hernia’

Spock, Kirk, and Testicular Hernia

109. Spock, Kirk, and Testicular Hernia

Aired December 21, 2017

When George makes a deal with Sheldon to help Georgie prepare for a math test, Sheldon is the one who learns a surprising lesson from his brother.

Quote from Meemaw

Sheldon: Do you think a Spock could become a Kirk?
Meemaw: Well, in my experience, most people stay the miserable bastards they are their whole entire life.
But I have seen some folks change.

Quote from Meemaw

Mary: Well, I'm gonna ask Jesus to help you get a good grade on that test.
Sheldon: Shouldn't you have asked him before he took it?
Mary: The man rose from the dead, I think he can fix a test after the fact.
Meemaw: You know, I hear you say things like that, and I wonder if maybe I did have a few too many whiskey sours when you were in my belly.

Quote from George Jr.

George Jr.: Oh, relax. By passing that test, I get to play football, and you get to go to the train store. Everybody wins.
Sheldon: But what about the truth?
George Jr.: What about it?
Sheldon: It's supposed to set us free.
George Jr.: Who told you that?
Sheldon: The Bible.
George Jr.: Since when do you care about what's in the Bible?
Sheldon: When it helps me win an argument.
George Jr.: The Bible also says honor thy father and thy mother. And if you open your mouth, you're gonna make them sad.

Quote from Meemaw

Mary: Do you have any idea what's gotten into him?
Meemaw: I might.
Mary: Well?
Meemaw: Have you ever heard of Mobokachi Kaboom? Wait. Koshimaki Magoo. Wait a minute, I'm gonna get this.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: Despite my explanation that I was embracing my inner Kirk, my mother had me make amends for all my misdeeds. Starting in the library, where I had to reshelve hundreds of books. Well, to be honest, that one was a hoot.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: The amends got worse when Coach Wilkins made me climb the rope. Lacking any upper body strength, I hung there like a salami in a deli window.

Quote from George Jr.

Sheldon: Before we start, I'd like to get a sense - of how much algebra you know.
George Jr.: 'Kay.
Sheldon: Do you understand solving and graphing - linear inequalities?
George Jr.: Sure.
Sheldon: Great. Explain it to me.
George Jr.: Uh, first you solve 'em and then you graph 'em.
Sheldon: And how do you do that?
George Jr.: Uh, you know, carefully.

Quote from George Jr.

Sheldon: What do you see?
George Jr.: Darkness.
Sheldon: Try harder.
George Jr.: Wait. I see Elle Macpherson in a bikini. Ooh, it just fell off.

Quote from Meemaw

Sheldon: I don't understand what went wrong. Is there any chance you drank alcohol when you were pregnant with Georgie?
Mary: No!
Meemaw: Well, don't be so high-and-mighty. I drank when I was pregnant with you. You turned out fine.
These days everybody's like, "Don't drink, don't smoke." I swear, Texas is turning into California.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: He had me. Somehow, the mullet-headed simpleton had me.

Quote from Meemaw

Sheldon: Meemaw? I assume you've read the Surgeon General's report on the dangers of smoking?
Meemaw: I'm gonna wait till they turn it into a movie.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: Ko-Kobayashi Maru. Sounds like something you eat at Benihana's. Have you ever been to one of those? They make you sit with strangers. It's crazy.

Quote from Mary

Mary: Sheldon. Would you like to explain this note?
George Sr.: Well?
Sheldon: I was trying to be more like Georgie.
Mary: That's a dumb idea. We don't want Georgie to be like Georgie.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: And finally, I had to apologize to my meemaw, who was an unfortunate victim of my sister's treasure hunt.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: That's humorous, because Spock is half human and half Vulcan. But he's ashamed of his human side. That's why I identify with him.

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: Sheldon, do me a favor. Go help your brother study for his math test tomorrow.
Sheldon: Is that really a good use of my time?
George Sr.: Come on. I'm asking nice. If he doesn't pass, he won't be able to play football.
Sheldon: You realize he's often mean to me.
George Sr.: So? Your mother's mean to me. I still try to be helpful.

Quote from Meemaw

George Sr.: If Georgie passes his test, I'll get you whatever you want. Under 20 bucks.
Sheldon: Deal.
George Sr.: Why?
Meemaw: I guess I like him better than you.

Quote from George Sr.

Sheldon: Dad!
George Sr.: I'll make it $40! Keep going!

Quote from Ms. Ingram

Ms. Ingram: Take one and pass it back. Take one and pass it back. As you all know, this test'll count for 25% of your final grade. Be sure to show all your work. If you get stuck on a question, move on and come back to it at the end. And I shouldn't have to say this, but if there's any cheating, I will see it. I got eyes in the back of my head. I got more eyes than a potato.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Ms. Ingram?
Ms. Ingram: Yeah, Sheldon.
Sheldon: I'm done.
Ms. Ingram: What?
Sheldon: I enjoyed it very much. I'll take another if you have one.
Ms. Ingram: No, I don't have another one. J-Just read ahead in the textbook.
Sheldon: Oh, boy.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: So, I guess I have to rethink my abilities. Clearly, I'm a wonderful teacher.
Tam: Georgie didn't pass because of you.
Sheldon: What do you mean?
Tam: He cheated. He had the answers written on the bottom of his shoe.
Sheldon: He wouldn't do that. When you cheat in school, you only cheat yourself.
Tam: Where'd you get that?
Sheldon: An inspirational poster outside the boys' room.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: You dirty bird.
George Jr.: What are you doing in here?
Sheldon: You cheated.
George Jr.: No, I didn't.
Sheldon: I'm holding the evidence.
George Jr.: Let me see that. [SPITS] I don't see nothin'.
Sheldon: That's obstruction of justice, as well as disgusting.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: Is that your new train?
Sheldon: Yes. It's my reward for helping Georgie pass the math test.
Meemaw: You don't seem too happy about it.
Sheldon: I don't feel like I earned it.
Meemaw: Why not?
Sheldon: Can you keep a secret?
Meemaw: Well, at my age, the question is can I remember one. Try me.

Quote from Meemaw

Sheldon: Georgie cheated on the test.
Meemaw: Oh.
Sheldon: And nothing bad happened. He gets to stay on the football team, Mom and Dad are proud of him, I even got a train for helping.
Meemaw: So you're feeling guilty.
Sheldon: Very much so.
Meemaw: Well, that's a real conundrum.
Sheldon: Have you been reading the Word of the Day calendar I gave you for your birthday?
Meemaw: Indubitably.

Quote from George Jr.

George Jr.: What do you want?
Sheldon: It occurs to me you have something in common with Captain Kirk.
George Jr.: We both have cool hair?
Sheldon: In order to succeed, you both play fast and loose with the rules.
George Jr.: Yeah, I suppose we do.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: When you cheated on the math test, what was your strategy?
George Jr.: Well, I guess the most important part was not stepping on anything wet before the test. And not getting an "A."
Sheldon: Why wouldn't you want an "A"?
George Jr.: 'Cause that would raise suspicions. Who would believe I got an "A"?
Sheldon: Wow. Tell me more.

Quote from Mary

Mary: Did you hear that?
George Sr.: What?
Mary: Sounds like Georgie and Sheldon are getting along.
George Sr.: Really? That can't be right.
Mary: I just heard it.
George Sr.: Maybe there's hope for those two after all.
Mary: Or it's a sign of the apocalypse.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: So you'll have to find someone else to hold your ankles in P.E. today.
Tam: I'm sorry, what?
Sheldon: I've suffered a terrible injury and won't be able to attend.
Tam: What happened?
Sheldon: See for yourself.
Tam: "Dear Coach Wilkins, please excuse my son, Sheldon, from P.E. He has experienced a testicular hernia, and needs to rest for the next six to eight weeks. Sincerely, Mary Cooper." Testicular hernia?
Sheldon: That's called details.

Quote from Assistant Coach Wilkins

Assistant Coach Wilkins: Ooh, that's rough. Hmm. How'd it happen?
Sheldon: It's hard to say, but some risk factors include: heavy lifting, a chronic cough and repetitive straining during bowel movements.
Assistant Coach Wilkins: I've been there. Hmm. All right. Guess I'll see you in six to eight weeks.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: I don't know if other supervillains started their careers by getting out of P.E., but that's where I began.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: Emboldened by my faux hernia, I started taking books out of the library without getting the cards stamped.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Tam: You didn't check out those books.
Sheldon: I know.
Adult Sheldon: Before you judge me too harshly, I always brought them back on time. I was a rule-breaker, not a lunatic.

Quote from Missy

Sheldon: Hello.
Missy: What's that for?
Sheldon: Oh, this? I was just digging for money in Meemaw's backyard.
Missy: There's money there?
Sheldon: Oh, yes. I already found 75 cents.
Missy: Who do you think left it?
Sheldon: If I were to guess, I'd say pirates with holes in their pockets.
Missy: Can I use your shovel?
Sheldon: Be my guest.
Missy: Oh, baby, I'm gonna be rich.

Quote from George Sr.

Mary: I didn't write this.
George Sr.: You sure? Looks like your handwriting. It's got that little swoopy thing going on.
Mary: I didn't write it. And I think I'd know if my son had a hernia.
George Sr.: So what, Sheldon forged a letter to get out of P.E.?
Mary: Looks like it.
George Sr.: How about that.
Mary: Don't be proud of him.
George Sr.: Can't help it. First time he ever seemed like my kid.

Quote from George Jr.

George Jr.: Okay, when you're telling a lie, it's important to throw in some details. Like, when I was wanted to spend the night at Ricky's house, and Mom asked me if his mom and dad were gonna be home, I said, not only are they be gonna be home, his dad was gonna teach us how to cook turkey legs in the smoker.
Sheldon: I like turkey legs. Were they good?
George Jr.: There weren't any turkey legs, you dope. His parents were in Branson.
Sheldon: That's incredible. I totally believed you.
George Jr.: Details. Now get out of here, I got to finish reading this.
Sheldon: Thank you, Georgie, that was very helpful.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: I gravitate a little more towards Kirk.
Sheldon: Why?
Meemaw: [imitating William Shatner] Be-cause everything he says he makes sound so im-portant.
Sheldon: I should hope so, he's the captain.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Does she break wind on your head? Because that's what Georgie does to me.

Quote from Meemaw

George Sr.: Can you help me out here?
Sheldon: [Meemaw whispers to him] I'll do it if you take me to the train store.
George Sr.: You got it.
Sheldon: [Meemaw whispers again] And buy me whatever I want.
George Sr.: Connie, what are you doing?
Meemaw: [imitating William Shatner] Just providing my grand-son with financial guid-ance.
Sheldon: Don't mock the captain.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Oh, dear.
George Jr.: What's your problem?
Sheldon: No problem. I'll just tidy while we talk.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: $20 isn't gonna do it.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: So you collect all the terms linear in X. See? Simple.
George Jr.: Maybe for you.
Sheldon: No, it's simple for everybody. Now you collect all the terms linear in Y.
George Jr.: I don't get it.
Sheldon: Try this. Close your eyes.
George Jr.: 'Kay.
Sheldon: Can you see the slope of the line given by the coefficients of X and Y?
George Jr.: No.

Quote from Sheldon

George Jr.: Maybe the problem is you're not a good teacher.
Sheldon: Unlikely.

Quote from Sheldon

George Jr.: What do you see when you close your eyes?
Sheldon: I see quadrant one as red, quadrant two is soft and plush, quadrant three smells like lavender, and quadrant four is overlaid with a Fibonacci spiral.
George Jr.: That's really weird.
Sheldon: No. What's really weird is doing simple algebra and thinking about a girl in a bikini.
George Jr.: I disagree.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: It was at that moment I decided I was not cut out for teaching. I consoled myself with the knowledge that I was wonderful at everything else.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: Seeing my brother struggle was difficult for me. As his tutor, I took his failure personally, almost as if I had failed. Which was odd, because I knew how dumb he was.

Quote from Missy

George Sr.: Georgie, how'd you do on that math test today?
George Jr.: It was tough. I don't know.
Sheldon: I'm sorry I wasn't more help.
George Jr.: Me, too.
Mary: That's all right, baby, you tried.
Missy: Yeah. It's okay, baby.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: This isn't over.
George Jr.: Oh, yeah? What are you gonna do?
Sheldon: All right, maybe it's over.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: So what do you think?
Meemaw: I don't think you should let it bother you very much. I mean, there's always gonna be people in this world who are playing fast and loose with the rules. And your brother's one of them.
Sheldon: That's how Captain Kirk is on Star Trek.
Meemaw: Well, there you go, and he's, like, the main guy on that show.
Sheldon: No, Mr. Spock is the main guy.
Meemaw: I stand corrected.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Although Kirk is usually the one who saves the Enterprise.
Meemaw: Because he doesn't always follow the rules?
Sheldon: He even cheated on a test when he was a cadet. The Kobayashi Maru.
Meemaw: The what?
Sheldon: Kobayashi Maru. Kirk is a legend because of it.

Quote from Assistant Coach Wilkins

Assistant Coach Wilkins: Happened to me while I was in the Army. I was in a bar in Georgia, tried to lift up this big gal. Swear I could hear something pop down there.

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