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50Quotes from ‘Spock, Kirk, and Testicular Hernia’

Spock, Kirk, and Testicular Hernia

109. Spock, Kirk, and Testicular Hernia

Aired December 21, 2017

When George makes a deal with Sheldon to help Georgie prepare for a math test, Sheldon is the one who learns a surprising lesson from his brother.

Quote from Meemaw

Mary: Well, I'm gonna ask Jesus to help you get a good grade on that test.
Sheldon: Shouldn't you have asked him before he took it?
Mary: The man rose from the dead, I think he can fix a test after the fact.
Meemaw: You know, I hear you say things like that, and I wonder if maybe I did have a few too many whiskey sours when you were in my belly.

Quote from Meemaw

Sheldon: Do you think a Spock could become a Kirk?
Meemaw: Well, in my experience, most people stay the miserable bastards they are their whole entire life.
But I have seen some folks change.

Quote from George Jr.

George Jr.: Oh, relax. By passing that test, I get to play football, and you get to go to the train store. Everybody wins.
Sheldon: But what about the truth?
George Jr.: What about it?
Sheldon: It's supposed to set us free.
George Jr.: Who told you that?
Sheldon: The Bible.
George Jr.: Since when do you care about what's in the Bible?
Sheldon: When it helps me win an argument.
George Jr.: The Bible also says honor thy father and thy mother. And if you open your mouth, you're gonna make them sad.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: Despite my explanation that I was embracing my inner Kirk, my mother had me make amends for all my misdeeds. Starting in the library, where I had to reshelve hundreds of books. Well, to be honest, that one was a hoot.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: The amends got worse when Coach Wilkins made me climb the rope. Lacking any upper body strength, I hung there like a salami in a deli window.

Quote from George Jr.

Sheldon: Before we start, I'd like to get a sense - of how much algebra you know.
George Jr.: 'Kay.
Sheldon: Do you understand solving and graphing - linear inequalities?
George Jr.: Sure.
Sheldon: Great. Explain it to me.
George Jr.: Uh, first you solve 'em and then you graph 'em.
Sheldon: And how do you do that?
George Jr.: Uh, you know, carefully.

Quote from George Jr.

Sheldon: What do you see?
George Jr.: Darkness.
Sheldon: Try harder.
George Jr.: Wait. I see Elle Macpherson in a bikini. Ooh, it just fell off.

Quote from Meemaw

Sheldon: I don't understand what went wrong. Is there any chance you drank alcohol when you were pregnant with Georgie?
Mary: No!
Meemaw: Well, don't be so high-and-mighty. I drank when I was pregnant with you. You turned out fine.
These days everybody's like, "Don't drink, don't smoke." I swear, Texas is turning into California.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: He had me. Somehow, the mullet-headed simpleton had me.

Quote from Meemaw

Sheldon: Meemaw? I assume you've read the Surgeon General's report on the dangers of smoking?
Meemaw: I'm gonna wait till they turn it into a movie.

Quote from Meemaw

Mary: Do you have any idea what's gotten into him?
Meemaw: I might.
Mary: Well?
Meemaw: Have you ever heard of Mobokachi Kaboom? Wait. Koshimaki Magoo. Wait a minute, I'm gonna get this.

Quote from Mary

Mary: Sheldon. Would you like to explain this note?
George Sr.: Well?
Sheldon: I was trying to be more like Georgie.
Mary: That's a dumb idea. We don't want Georgie to be like Georgie.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: And finally, I had to apologize to my meemaw, who was an unfortunate victim of my sister's treasure hunt.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: That's humorous, because Spock is half human and half Vulcan. But he's ashamed of his human side. That's why I identify with him.

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: Sheldon, do me a favor. Go help your brother study for his math test tomorrow.
Sheldon: Is that really a good use of my time?
George Sr.: Come on. I'm asking nice. If he doesn't pass, he won't be able to play football.
Sheldon: You realize he's often mean to me.
George Sr.: So? Your mother's mean to me. I still try to be helpful.

Quote from Meemaw

George Sr.: If Georgie passes his test, I'll get you whatever you want. Under 20 bucks.
Sheldon: Deal.
George Sr.: Why?
Meemaw: I guess I like him better than you.

Quote from George Sr.

Sheldon: Dad!
George Sr.: I'll make it $40! Keep going!

Quote from Ms. Ingram

Ms. Ingram: Take one and pass it back. Take one and pass it back. As you all know, this test'll count for 25% of your final grade. Be sure to show all your work. If you get stuck on a question, move on and come back to it at the end. And I shouldn't have to say this, but if there's any cheating, I will see it. I got eyes in the back of my head. I got more eyes than a potato.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Ms. Ingram?
Ms. Ingram: Yeah, Sheldon.
Sheldon: I'm done.
Ms. Ingram: What?
Sheldon: I enjoyed it very much. I'll take another if you have one.
Ms. Ingram: No, I don't have another one. J-Just read ahead in the textbook.
Sheldon: Oh, boy.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: So, I guess I have to rethink my abilities. Clearly, I'm a wonderful teacher.
Tam: Georgie didn't pass because of you.
Sheldon: What do you mean?
Tam: He cheated. He had the answers written on the bottom of his shoe.
Sheldon: He wouldn't do that. When you cheat in school, you only cheat yourself.
Tam: Where'd you get that?
Sheldon: An inspirational poster outside the boys' room.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: You dirty bird.
George Jr.: What are you doing in here?
Sheldon: You cheated.
George Jr.: No, I didn't.
Sheldon: I'm holding the evidence.
George Jr.: Let me see that. [SPITS] I don't see nothin'.
Sheldon: That's obstruction of justice, as well as disgusting.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: Is that your new train?
Sheldon: Yes. It's my reward for helping Georgie pass the math test.
Meemaw: You don't seem too happy about it.
Sheldon: I don't feel like I earned it.
Meemaw: Why not?
Sheldon: Can you keep a secret?
Meemaw: Well, at my age, the question is can I remember one. Try me.

Quote from Meemaw

Sheldon: Georgie cheated on the test.
Meemaw: Oh.
Sheldon: And nothing bad happened. He gets to stay on the football team, Mom and Dad are proud of him, I even got a train for helping.
Meemaw: So you're feeling guilty.
Sheldon: Very much so.
Meemaw: Well, that's a real conundrum.
Sheldon: Have you been reading the Word of the Day calendar I gave you for your birthday?
Meemaw: Indubitably.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: Ko-Kobayashi Maru. Sounds like something you eat at Benihana's. Have you ever been to one of those? They make you sit with strangers. It's crazy.

Quote from George Jr.

George Jr.: What do you want?
Sheldon: It occurs to me you have something in common with Captain Kirk.
George Jr.: We both have cool hair?
Sheldon: In order to succeed, you both play fast and loose with the rules.
George Jr.: Yeah, I suppose we do.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: When you cheated on the math test, what was your strategy?
George Jr.: Well, I guess the most important part was not stepping on anything wet before the test. And not getting an "A."
Sheldon: Why wouldn't you want an "A"?
George Jr.: 'Cause that would raise suspicions. Who would believe I got an "A"?
Sheldon: Wow. Tell me more.

Quote from Mary

Mary: Did you hear that?
George Sr.: What?
Mary: Sounds like Georgie and Sheldon are getting along.
George Sr.: Really? That can't be right.
Mary: I just heard it.
George Sr.: Maybe there's hope for those two after all.
Mary: Or it's a sign of the apocalypse.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: So you'll have to find someone else to hold your ankles in P.E. today.
Tam: I'm sorry, what?
Sheldon: I've suffered a terrible injury and won't be able to attend.
Tam: What happened?
Sheldon: See for yourself.
Tam: "Dear Coach Wilkins, please excuse my son, Sheldon, from P.E. He has experienced a testicular hernia, and needs to rest for the next six to eight weeks. Sincerely, Mary Cooper." Testicular hernia?
Sheldon: That's called details.

Quote from Assistant Coach Wilkins

Assistant Coach Wilkins: Ooh, that's rough. Hmm. How'd it happen?
Sheldon: It's hard to say, but some risk factors include: heavy lifting, a chronic cough and repetitive straining during bowel movements.
Assistant Coach Wilkins: I've been there. Hmm. All right. Guess I'll see you in six to eight weeks.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: I don't know if other supervillains started their careers by getting out of P.E., but that's where I began.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: Emboldened by my faux hernia, I started taking books out of the library without getting the cards stamped.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Tam: You didn't check out those books.
Sheldon: I know.
Adult Sheldon: Before you judge me too harshly, I always brought them back on time. I was a rule-breaker, not a lunatic.

Quote from Missy

Sheldon: Hello.
Missy: What's that for?
Sheldon: Oh, this? I was just digging for money in Meemaw's backyard.
Missy: There's money there?
Sheldon: Oh, yes. I already found 75 cents.
Missy: Who do you think left it?
Sheldon: If I were to guess, I'd say pirates with holes in their pockets.
Missy: Can I use your shovel?
Sheldon: Be my guest.
Missy: Oh, baby, I'm gonna be rich.

Quote from George Sr.

Mary: I didn't write this.
George Sr.: You sure? Looks like your handwriting. It's got that little swoopy thing going on.
Mary: I didn't write it. And I think I'd know if my son had a hernia.
George Sr.: So what, Sheldon forged a letter to get out of P.E.?
Mary: Looks like it.
George Sr.: How about that.
Mary: Don't be proud of him.
George Sr.: Can't help it. First time he ever seemed like my kid.

Quote from George Jr.

George Jr.: Okay, when you're telling a lie, it's important to throw in some details. Like, when I was wanted to spend the night at Ricky's house, and Mom asked me if his mom and dad were gonna be home, I said, not only are they be gonna be home, his dad was gonna teach us how to cook turkey legs in the smoker.
Sheldon: I like turkey legs. Were they good?
George Jr.: There weren't any turkey legs, you dope. His parents were in Branson.
Sheldon: That's incredible. I totally believed you.
George Jr.: Details. Now get out of here, I got to finish reading this.
Sheldon: Thank you, Georgie, that was very helpful.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: I gravitate a little more towards Kirk.
Sheldon: Why?
Meemaw: [imitating William Shatner] Be-cause everything he says he makes sound so im-portant.
Sheldon: I should hope so, he's the captain.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Does she break wind on your head? Because that's what Georgie does to me.

Quote from Meemaw

George Sr.: Can you help me out here?
Sheldon: [Meemaw whispers to him] I'll do it if you take me to the train store.
George Sr.: You got it.
Sheldon: [Meemaw whispers again] And buy me whatever I want.
George Sr.: Connie, what are you doing?
Meemaw: [imitating William Shatner] Just providing my grand-son with financial guid-ance.
Sheldon: Don't mock the captain.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Oh, dear.
George Jr.: What's your problem?
Sheldon: No problem. I'll just tidy while we talk.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: $20 isn't gonna do it.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: So you collect all the terms linear in X. See? Simple.
George Jr.: Maybe for you.
Sheldon: No, it's simple for everybody. Now you collect all the terms linear in Y.
George Jr.: I don't get it.
Sheldon: Try this. Close your eyes.
George Jr.: 'Kay.
Sheldon: Can you see the slope of the line given by the coefficients of X and Y?
George Jr.: No.

Quote from Sheldon

George Jr.: Maybe the problem is you're not a good teacher.
Sheldon: Unlikely.

Quote from Sheldon

George Jr.: What do you see when you close your eyes?
Sheldon: I see quadrant one as red, quadrant two is soft and plush, quadrant three smells like lavender, and quadrant four is overlaid with a Fibonacci spiral.
George Jr.: That's really weird.
Sheldon: No. What's really weird is doing simple algebra and thinking about a girl in a bikini.
George Jr.: I disagree.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: It was at that moment I decided I was not cut out for teaching. I consoled myself with the knowledge that I was wonderful at everything else.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: Seeing my brother struggle was difficult for me. As his tutor, I took his failure personally, almost as if I had failed. Which was odd, because I knew how dumb he was.

Quote from Missy

George Sr.: Georgie, how'd you do on that math test today?
George Jr.: It was tough. I don't know.
Sheldon: I'm sorry I wasn't more help.
George Jr.: Me, too.
Mary: That's all right, baby, you tried.
Missy: Yeah. It's okay, baby.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: This isn't over.
George Jr.: Oh, yeah? What are you gonna do?
Sheldon: All right, maybe it's over.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: So what do you think?
Meemaw: I don't think you should let it bother you very much. I mean, there's always gonna be people in this world who are playing fast and loose with the rules. And your brother's one of them.
Sheldon: That's how Captain Kirk is on Star Trek.
Meemaw: Well, there you go, and he's, like, the main guy on that show.
Sheldon: No, Mr. Spock is the main guy.
Meemaw: I stand corrected.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Although Kirk is usually the one who saves the Enterprise.
Meemaw: Because he doesn't always follow the rules?
Sheldon: He even cheated on a test when he was a cadet. The Kobayashi Maru.
Meemaw: The what?
Sheldon: Kobayashi Maru. Kirk is a legend because of it.

Quote from Assistant Coach Wilkins

Assistant Coach Wilkins: Happened to me while I was in the Army. I was in a bar in Georgia, tried to lift up this big gal. Swear I could hear something pop down there.

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