Meemaw: Okay, I'm here. What's up?
George: Sheldon won't get out of bed, and I'm gonna be late for work. He's gonna be late for school.
Meemaw: So you want me to get him up and drive him?
George: Yeah.
Meemaw: I like it better when I just come eat your food and leave.

Meemaw: Shelly, Dr. Sturgis is on the line for you.
Sheldon: Maybe he is, maybe he isn't, but very well. [takes phone] Hello?
Dr. John Sturgis: [on the phone] Hi, Sheldon. I hear you're going through some sort of existential crisis.
Sheldon: I suppose so. I just don't know if we can tell what's real or not. And if nothing's real, I don't know what to think or if I'm even thinking at all.
Dr. John Sturgis: I went through something similar once.
Sheldon: Really? What happened?
Dr. John Sturgis: I was trekking through the Amazon, and I saw two frogs, one hallucinogenic and the other not. [chuckles] I tried to lick the normal one, and, by mistake, I licked the hallucinogenic one. It really rocked my world.
Sheldon: Why would you lick either of them?
Dr. John Sturgis: I'm not sure. Probably low blood sugar. But the point is, I also lost track of reality.
Sheldon: How did you handle it?
Dr. John Sturgis: I saw a jaguar, and I realized I didn't care if it was real or not. I just hauled my tushy out of there.
Sheldon: I appreciate the call. I'm giving you back to my meemaw now.
Dr. John Sturgis: Bye!
Meemaw: [quietly on the phone] Hey, John, any luck?
Dr. John Sturgis: Not unless you have access to a jaguar.
Meemaw: I don't think I do.
Dr. John Sturgis: Really, any jungle cat will do.

Meemaw: What's this philosophy teacher's name?
Sheldon: Professor Ericson. Why?
Meemaw: I might pop in and say hello.
Sheldon: Be careful. She may make you question your most deeply held values.
Meemaw: I'm a stubborn old crank. I'll do just fine.
Sheldon: I'm a stubborn young crank, and it didn't help me.

Adult Sheldon: To figure out which school of philosophy suited me best, I decided to sample each one. The same way I determined my favorite flavor of oatmeal... Plain.

Adult Sheldon: Nihilists believe that there's no point to anything, because it all ends in nothingness.
Missy: Mind if I put on MTV?
Sheldon: Doesn't matter. We're all gonna die anyway.
Missy: Deep thought, dingus.

Dr. Linkletter: Sheldon, I don't know if you thought this through, but you're here on a physics scholarship, and switching to philosophy may not be well-received.
Sheldon: Ordinarily, I'd be concerned, but I'm currently embracing hedonism. [eats a candy from Linkletter's jar]
Dr. Linkletter: Sheldon, I've been made responsible for you, and so far, it's not going very well. You were admitted to this university for your scientific acumen. And changing majors could have serious repercussions. [Sheldon blows bubbles] Son, please try to understand. If you abandon physics for philosophy, [Sheldon blows a big bubble] [fades out] You're gonna be missing out on the opportunity to be part of something great. Possibly...
Adult Sheldon: As Dr. Linkletter prattled on, I couldn't help but notice the beauty of that ephemeral bubble. I wondered if perhaps we're all just bubbles, being buffeted through life on a stream of currents beyond our understanding. Look at it. The local minimization achieves a global maximization, and it's nearly perfect. I wondered if this was the key to the smoothness of matter in the universe. The cosmic web of stars and galaxies could hold it together like the web of polymers in soap! This could be a whole new area of research.
Dr. Linkletter: Changing majors would be a huge mistake, but if this is what you really want, here you go. Sheldon?
Sheldon: What?
Dr. Linkletter: Here you go. Good luck with philosophy.
Sheldon: Oh, I'm back on science now. I have work to do. [exits]

Adult Sheldon: While my meemaw wasn't able to acquire a jungle cat, the idea of tormenting a child did tickle her Texan fancy.
Meemaw: [singsong] Sheldon. [chicken clucking] I have someone else who wants to talk to you.
Sheldon: What are you doing with that filthy thing?
Meemaw: Why do you care? If nothing is real, then neither is the chicken. [Sheldon jumps out of bed] Oh. Good. We're standing now. That's progress.
Sheldon: Get her out of here.
Meemaw: Well, I would, but... [chuckles] apparently, I can't know what "here" is. So maybe I could just... set her on your bed.
Sheldon: Okay! Okay. I'll get dressed.
Meemaw: Make it snappy.
Sheldon: This still doesn't solve my existential crisis.
Meemaw: Say what? You want to hold her?
Sheldon: [gasps] No.
Meemaw: Less talk. More pants.

[Sheldon shows Billy the sketch he drew of him:]
Billy Sparks: I'm beautiful.

George: All right, what's the problem here?
Sheldon: I don't know what's real.
George: That's a fun thing to think about on the way to school. Get up and get dressed.
Sheldon: Maybe I'm already dressed. Maybe I'm wearing a zoot suit and spats. That's a shoe covering that's short for "spatterdasher." Or is it? There's no way to know.
George: Here's what I know: I don't have time for this nonsense.
Sheldon: What is time? What is sense? What is "is"?
George: Sheldon, I mean it.
Sheldon: I remember when things meant things.
George: All right, I'm gonna count to three. One...
Sheldon: Believing in numbers... That takes me back.
George: Two...
Sheldon: To be or not to be. Shakespeare was onto something.
George: It's your last chance.
Sheldon: Have you ever wondered if you're the tongue of a multidimensional being trying to taste something you can never even understand? I have.

Meemaw: Hey, Moon Pie. What's going on here?
Sheldon: That's an excellent question. Too bad there's no answer.
Meemaw: Well, you need to get out of bed.
Sheldon: I don't need to do anything.
Meemaw: Okay, I'm gonna count to three.
Sheldon: Dad already counted to three.
Meemaw: Oh. Did he try the Texas thing?
Sheldon: No.
Meemaw: In that case, look at you, lyin' there. When a Texan gets knocked off a horse, he gets right back on. That is the second most important thing about bein' a Texan, right after thinkin' you're better than everybody else.
Sheldon: Maybe the horse gets back on the Texan. Who's to say?
Meemaw: I don't know what that means.
Sheldon: That's because you can't know anything. If you need to stare at the ceiling and contemplate the futility of existence, Missy's bed is available.

Meemaw: What's your first class?
Sheldon: Solid-State Physics at 11:30.
Meemaw: We'll make it just in time.
Sheldon: Although, does...
Meemaw: And before you say, "Does time even exist?", it does. So stop wasting mine.

Dr. Linkletter: So, according to de Broglie, lambda equals "h" divided by "m" times what? [Sheldon raises his hand] Sheldon.
Sheldon: Is it velocity?
Dr. Linkletter: Yes. Now...
Sheldon: Or is it a velociraptor?
Dr. Linkletter: I'm sorry?
Sheldon: Perhaps lambda equals "h" divided by "m" times a velociraptor. Or a velveteen rabbit. Ooh, or Velveeta. That's the cheese my mom puts on broccoli when she's being fancy.
Dr. Linkletter: Is this from your philosophy class or perhaps that Ren & Stumpy I've heard about?
Sheldon: Philosophy.
Dr. Linkletter: Mr. Cooper, do you really believe that de Broglie's equation contains Velveeta cheese?
Sheldon: I don't know. Maybe he was just trying to be fancy.

Meemaw: Hi. I'm Connie Tucker. I'm Sheldon Cooper's grandmother.
Professor Ericson: Oh. Nice to meet you. He is a remarkable young man.
Meemaw: Yes, he is. He's also a very impressionable young man. Kind of like a lump of clay with a bow tie.
Professor Ericson: All I did was teach him about epistemology.
Meemaw: Whatever it is you're teaching him, it has made him question everything.
Professor Ericson: That's the goal.
Meemaw: Lady, I had to threaten him with a chicken so he'd put his pants on.

George: Well, in my family, we don't quit.
Coach Wilkins: Oh, I don't know. You quit my book club pretty quick.
George: I'm talking about football!
Coach Wilkins: Why is it so important to you that he play?
George: Are you sure you're a coach? Team sports provides confidence, leadership, discipline.
Coach Wilkins: So does holding down a job, which he seems to shine at.
George: Let's just eat in silence.
Coach Wilkins: Fine. I still think you should have read The Color Purple. We were bawling.

Professor Ericson: [to Sheldon] Hey. How come you didn't want to get out of bed this morning?
Sheldon: If I can't know what's real, what's the point?
Professor Ericson: You have the right words. You're just saying them wrong. It's not, [shrugs] "What's the point?" It's, "What's the point?"
Sheldon: I don't understand.
Professor Ericson: Asking these questions is exciting. It's what gets me out of bed.
Sheldon: That's interesting. Richard Feynman did say the greatest joy in life is the pleasure of finding things out.
Meemaw: Feynman... He's the physics guy, right?
Dr. Linkletter: [quietly] Yes. And your perfume is beguiling.
Sheldon: It's all making sense to me now. Thank you.
Professor Ericson: I am happy to help.
Sheldon: Dr. Linkletter, I'm dropping your class and switching my major to philosophy.
Dr. Linkletter: Uh, what?