‘Teenager Soup and a Little Ball of Fib’ Quotes Page 1 of 3
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310. Teenager Soup and a Little Ball of Fib
December 12, 2019Sheldon pretends to be sick to avoid having to swim in the pool at school. Meanwhile, Dr. Sturgis spies on Meemaw's new boyfriend.
Quote from Adult Sheldon
Adult Sheldon: In many ways, a high school is like an academic house of horrors. There's the cafeteria, which when even freshly cleaned, maintains a subtle aroma of tater tots and throw-up. The schoolyard, where one is exposed to bullying by delinquents and attacks from above by eye-pecking demons. [bird tweets] But all of these pale in comparison to the most horrific location of all. A place teeming with the sweat and secretions from hundreds of unwashed bodies. The swimming pool.
Quote from Adult Sheldon
Principal Petersen: Sorry, Sheldon. Water safety is a required part of your P.E. class.
Sheldon: But other kids use that pool. It's basically a big bowl of teenager soup.
Principal Petersen: It's out of my hands. It's a state requirement. If you don't like it, take it up with your congressman.
Sheldon: I did. He won't return my calls.
Principal Petersen: Then I guess you're swimming tomorrow. [manic laughter, thunder clap and lightning]
Adult Sheldon: Except for the laughter, the glowing eyes and the lightning, that's exactly how it happened.
Quote from Adult Sheldon
Adult Sheldon: Observation is an important part of the scientific method. Darwin observed the finches, Jane Goodall observed the chimpanzees, and for some reason, Dr. Sturgis wanted to observe my meemaw's new suitor.
Quote from Adult Sheldon
Adult Sheldon: The following day, I returned to school. I had no choice but to fulfill my swimming requirement. Much like Batman, I suited up and faced my fears. Unlike Batman, I did it with a doggy-paddle across the shallow end of the pool. Uh, regarding pool sanitation, it turned out I was right. It was teeming with germs. Only I was the one who put them there. As it happens, my interaction with Billy Sparks did get me sick. I, in turn, created a small epidemic taking down 128 students, four teachers and one principal. It didn't stop there. I also infected my mother, father, sister, brother, Meemaw and Meemaw's friend Dale. The newly established boundaries of friendship helped keep Dr. Sturgis healthy. However, in an unrelated incident, he crashed his bike into some garbage cans. Luckily, he landed on his recently acquired athletic cup.
Dr. John Sturgis: That was a wise purchase.
Quote from Dale
Dale: Georgie, I want you to keep an eye on that weirdo over there.
Georgie: I know that weirdo. He used to date my meemaw.
Dale: That guy?
Georgie: Yeah, he's, like, super smart.
[Dr. Sturgis hits the cup he's positioned over his private parts with a ping pong racket]
Dale: I'm not sure I believe you.
Quote from George Jr.
Georgie: First of all, you got to cough even when Mom's not in the room.
Sheldon: Got it. [coughing]
Georgie: And don't put the thermometer in the tea. 114 fever is a giveaway.
Sheldon: Smart.
Missy: Told you.
Georgie: Oh, don't be afraid to let her look in your throat. She's checking to see if it's red, but it's always red.
Sheldon: You are good.
Georgie: Here, try spitting up a little phlegm.
Sheldon: [clears throat, sniffs, splutters]
Georgie: We got work to do.
Quote from Mary
Mary: Okay, calm down. Now, you listen to me, you shouldn't have lied. It's always wrong. But you made up for it by telling me the truth.
Sheldon: So, you forgive me?
Mary: I do, but I need you to do me a favor. As far as your father is concerned, you were sick.
Sheldon: Isn't that lying?
Mary: Honestly? No.
Quote from Sheldon
Mary: You want to get comfy on the couch and watch your Star Trek tapes?
Sheldon: No, thank you.
Mary: I know what'll make you feel better. [singing] Soft kitty, warm kitty Little ball of fur Happy kitty Sleepy kitty Purr, purr, purr Soft liar, warm liar Little ball of fib Happy liar, sleepy liar Fib, fib, fib. Feel better?
Sheldon: Uh-uh.
Quote from Dr. John Sturgis
Dale: Howdy. Can I help you?
Dr. John Sturgis: No, no, just browsing.
Dale: Yeah, well, any particular sport you might need that for?
Dr. John Sturgis: Depends. What the heck is it?
Dale: It's a cup.
Dr. John Sturgis: A cup? What kind of a cup has holes in it?
Dale: Well, it protects your private parts.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, I can see how that might be useful. Well, this has been very informative. Thank you.
Quote from Dr. John Sturgis
Dr. John Sturgis: I'm a little nervous. You're the first ex-girlfriend I've ever been friends with. And you're also my first ex-girlfriend. And that's because you-
Meemaw: How about you just think of me as your friend?
Quote from George Sr.
George: Come on, Jesus. This is for your birthday. Help me out.
Quote from George Sr.
Mary: Boy, Sheldon is really worked up about this whole swimming thing.
George: Don't you think he should learn for his own safety?
Mary: You really think he's ever gonna go near a body of water?
George: Yeah. Well, it's only a matter of time before someone throws him in one.
Quote from Meemaw
Meemaw: [answering phone] Hello.
Dr. John Sturgis: I may have made a questionable, uh, decision regarding our friendship.
Meemaw: What have you done, John?
Dr. John Sturgis: I went to the sporting goods store to check out your new fella.
Meemaw: Did you speak to him?
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, yes. In fact, he sold me an athletic supporter to protect my genitals.
Meemaw: Good. You may want to be wearing that next time I see you.
Dr. John Sturgis: Okay.
Quote from Sheldon
Sheldon: I'm being forced to swim tomorrow in P.E.
Missy: Poor baby. You have to play in a pool instead of sit in a classroom.
Sheldon: A pool of sweat, germs and dead skin cells.
Missy: Still better than learning.
Sheldon: Maybe it's time for me to run away from home and join a traveling math club.
Quote from George Jr.
Georgie: Mom says you're sick.
Missy: [whispering] He's faking.
Georgie: Really? [closes door] Why? You love school.
Sheldon: Swim test.
Georgie: Oh, sure. You would die.