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40Quotes from ‘A Lobster, an Armadillo and a Way Bigger Number’

  • A Lobster, an Armadillo and a Way Bigger Number

    515. A Lobster, an Armadillo and a Way Bigger Number

    Aired March 3, 2022

    Sheldon, Dr. Sturgis (Wallace Shawn) and Dr. Linkletter (Ed Begley, Jr.) hit the road for a science trip. Meanwhile, George tries to spend time with Missy, and Georgie still hasn't told Mandy his true age.

Quote from Sheldon

Pat: Look, you seem like nice folk, but Yankees ain't popular around here. I suggest you be on your way.
Dr. Linkletter: Sorry to have troubled you. Let's go.
Sheldon: Excuse me. My colleagues may be from the North, but for your information, I'm a Texan, born and bred. I know that real chili has no beans, and when my meemaw says, "Bless your heart," she means something very different. Now, my friend here is in need of help, and since our state motto is literally "friendship," may he please use your phone?
Pat: Well, dang. [puts the phone on the bar]
Dr. John Sturgis: And could I trouble you for a yellow pages?
Dr. Linkletter: Oh, boy.

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Dr. John Sturgis: Societal norms are different on road trips. Normally, I don't eat junk food, but here, it's tradition. I'm not even sure what a chicharron is.
Sheldon: It's the deep-fried skin of a pig.
Dr. John Sturgis: That seems like something they should say on the bag.

Quote from George Jr.

[Georgie and Mandy are making out on his bed in the garage]
Meemaw: [imaginary] Oh, Georgie. I'm so disappointed in you.
[Georgie pulls away from Mandy]
Mandy: Is everything okay?
George Jr.: Yeah. Very okay. [resume kissing]
Meemaw: Tell her before things go too far.
Dale: [imaginary] Would you leave the kid alone? He's just having some fun.
Meemaw: He's lying, and she deserves to know.
Dale: Just let it go.
Meemaw: No. He's feeling guilty, and he's gonna do the right thing.
Dale: Connie, the second that girl's shirt comes off, it's game over.
Meemaw: No. My grandson has more integrity than you're giving him credit...
[Imaginary Meemaw and Dale disappear as Mandy takes her top off]
George Jr.: [o.s.] Amazing.

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: Well, it's not lobster, but... least your friends won't see us.
Missy: Sorry.
George Sr.: It's okay. You're just getting older.
Missy: I guess.
George Sr.: Sure I was a jackass to my parents, too.
Missy: Hey!
George Sr.: How's your burger?
Missy: So good.
George Sr.: It is pretty good. Hey, maybe this can be our new spot for daddy-daughter dates.
Missy: Please stop saying that.
George Sr.: What? Daddy-daughter dates?
Missy: Yes.
George Sr.: Mm. Okay. What would you like me to call our daddy-daughter dates?
Missy: [chuckles] You're so annoying. [George chuckles]

Quote from Missy

George Sr.: Boy, I am stuffed.
Missy: You know, if you're too full to drive, I could help.
George Sr.: You're not driving my truck.
Missy: Come on. Just here in the parking lot?
George Sr.: No.
Missy: Please, Daddy?
George Sr.: I know what you're doing.
Missy: Creating memories that'll last a lifetime?

Quote from George Jr.

George Jr.: So, where you want to go?
Mandy: I am up for anything.
George Jr.: I was thinking the bar, but I go there so much. What about a movie?
Mandy: Or we could just go back to your place.
George Jr.: Oh. That- That'd be amazing.
Mandy: Well, amazing's a lot of pressure, but I'll give it a shot. [chuckles]
George Jr.: Listen, when I said I moved out of my parents' place, that was true. But I'm kind of living in their garage.
Mandy: Well, my parents are in the bedroom next to mine, so it's your place or nothing.
George Jr.: My place works.

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, no, what have I done?
Sheldon: It's still moving.
Dr. Linkletter: Like we should be. Let's go.
Dr. John Sturgis: We need a box and a towel.
Sheldon: We don't need a coffin. The birds will eat it.
Dr. John Sturgis: It's to keep it safe until we find help.
Dr. Linkletter: John, these animals carry all kinds of diseases.
Dr. John Sturgis: That's what the towel's for.
Sheldon: This is Texas. Armadillo roadkill is practically the state animal.

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Sheldon: Speaking of slow-moving transportation, did you know that the slowest express train in the world is the Glacier Express in Switzerland?
Dr. Linkletter: I spent a month in Switzerland at CERN.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, no! I hit an armadillo.
Dr. Linkletter: So? Just keep driving.
Dr. John Sturgis: No, I can't. I have to check on it. [car door closes]
Sheldon: Is he hoping it's alive or dead?
Dr. Linkletter: Alive.
Sheldon: Ugh.

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Dr. John Sturgis: I'm doing it. This is going quite well.
Dr. Linkletter: Feel free to pick up the pace. A butterfly just passed us.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, what's the speed limit?
Sheldon: 75.
Dr. John Sturgis: And I'm going... ten. I'll pick up the pace.

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: Here we are.
Missy: Red Lobster?
George Sr.: You love this place.
[flashback:]
Missy: Holy moly.
George Sr.: It's good, huh?
Missy: Unbelievable.
[present:]
Missy: Yeah, when I was, like, eight.
George Sr.: Well, come on, we had our first daddy-daughter date here.
Missy: Oh, my God, don't ever call it that again.
George Sr.: What?
Missy: I have friends who come here on actual dates. They might see us.
George Sr.: Thought it'd be nice.
Missy: Can we please go anywhere else?
George Sr.: [sighs] Fine. You know, they have those cheddar biscuits.
Missy: Dad.
George Sr.: Fine.

Quote from Dr. Linkletter

Dr. John Sturgis: Does it go straight like this for a while?
Dr. Linkletter: It's Texas. Goes straight like this for the rest of our lives. You thinking of giving it a try?
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, there aren't any cars around. Uh, seems like a good place to practice.
Dr. Linkletter: Excellent. I could use a break.
Dr. John Sturgis: This is exciting. I'm all atingle.
Sheldon: You are not peeing in a bottle.

Quote from Dale

Meemaw: Well, I hope you told him that he has to come clean.
Dale: ... I did.
Meemaw: Sounds like there's a "but" on the way.
Dale: [sighs] But then he asked me what I would've done.
Meemaw: Dale.
Dale: Well, uh, you don't know all the facts.
Meemaw: What are the facts?
Dale: [clears throat] He said that she was blond and hot.
Meemaw: And that makes it okay to lie?
Dale: At my age, no. At his age...? [off Meemaw's look] No.

Quote from Dale

Meemaw: At what age do guys stop acting like idiots?
Dale: Oh, no. What'd I do now?
Meemaw: Not you. Georgie's dating an older woman and he's lying about his age.
Dale: Oh. That rascal.
Meemaw: You already knew.
Dale: You don't know what I know.
Meemaw: I see it in your face.
Dale: [sighs] Fine.

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Dr. Linkletter: I don't want to get ahead of myself, but the strength of the temperature deviations is looking rather spicy.
Sheldon: How spicy?
Dr. Linkletter: Five microkelvin.
Dr. John Sturgis: Muy caliente.

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Dr. John Sturgis: I'm sorry I can't help out on driving duty.
Dr. Linkletter: You really never learned?
Dr. John Sturgis: I got my permit, but I've never been comfortable behind the wheel.
Dr. Linkletter: That's a shame. I do enjoy the tranquility of the open road. I find it produces a Zen-like calm.
Dr. John Sturgis: Mm.
Sheldon: You know what else is calming? A fun car game.
Dr. Linkletter: How about this. We'll count out-of-state license plates. First one to a hundred wins.
Sheldon: Not as fun as mine, but very well. Um... Ooh, Oklahoma.
Dr. Linkletter: Silently.
[Dr. Linkletter smiles as Sheldon falls quiet and he can listen to the classical music, only to be interrupted by Dr. Sturgis munching on some chips]

Quote from Dr. Linkletter

Dr. Linkletter: How about some music?
Sheldon: No one likes music. How about a car game?
Ooh, I have a fun one where I say a formula, and then you have to say another formula starting with the last letter or number that I said. So, for example, if I said, [Linkletter groans] "X" equals negative "B" plus or minus...
Dr. Linkletter: Music it is. [classical music plays]

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: You might want to pace yourself. Our next rest stop isn't for another... 62 miles.
Dr. Linkletter: If anyone needs to go before that, I've got a trucker's buddy in back.
Sheldon: What's that?
Dr. Linkletter: A bottle you urinate in.
Sheldon: I'm sorry, are we the Donner Party?

Quote from George Jr.

George Jr.: Hey, I know I don't work here anymore, but could I use this office tonight?
Dale: No!
George Jr.: Fine.
Dale: Did you used to?
George Jr.: [scoffs softly] No.

Quote from Dale

George Jr.: So, what would you really do?
Dale: [exhales] She married?
George Jr.: No.
Dale: She got kids?
George Jr.: No.
Dale: I don't see the problem.
George Jr.: Thank you.
Dale: My pleasure. You're like the son I never wanted.

Quote from Dale

George Jr.: I'm not really in trouble. I'm just dating this girl, and she's a little older than me.
Dale: What's the problem?
George Jr.: She doesn't exactly know how much older than me she is.
Dale: How much older is she?
George Jr.: Like ten years. But she's blond and she's really hot.
Dale: Well, that doesn't matter. I mean, if you're lying to her, that's not okay.
George Jr.: Hold on. You're saying if you were my age and dating this hot girl, you'd tell her the truth and blow your chances?
Dale: Well, that's not the question you asked me.

Quote from Dale

George Jr.: Can I talk to you?
Dale: Am I in trouble?
George Jr.: No. It's about a girl.
Dale: Oh. You're in trouble. Yeah, sure.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Oh. Says here Fort Stockton is home to the world's largest roadrunner statue, which is the stuff of nightmares. But they do have a restroom.

Quote from Missy

George Sr.: Okay. Foot on the brake.
Missy: Which one's that?
George Sr.: Oh, boy. The one on the left.
Missy: Got it.
George Sr.: All right. Now pull the shifter toward you and then down to "D," like this. Here. [gear shifts] All right? Now, the most important step. Do not ever tell your mother we did this.
Missy: I'm not an idiot. Let's go.
George Sr.: [sighs] All right. Now take your foot off the brake and gently put it on the... [tires screech]
Missy: [laughs] I'm driving!

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: You ready for your road trip?
Sheldon: Yes. I'm plotting bathroom breaks. It's tricky because I'm not sure how frequently Dr. Linkletter and Dr. Sturgis need to urinate. Maybe I should call them.
George Sr.: Ooh, I wouldn't. You ask old guys about their bladder, you're in for a long conversation.

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Mary: [on the phone] Dr. Linkletter? Mary Cooper.
Dr. Linkletter: Ah, Mrs. Cooper. I assume this is about the upcoming trip and perhaps your very understandable reluctance to let Sheldon come.
Mary: I have to admit I do have some concerns.
Dr. Linkletter: As you should. So, you're saying you'd prefer he not go with us?
Mary: [sighs] But he'd be so disappointed.
Dr. Linkletter: Not more disappointed than me.
Mary: So, you feel good about him going?
Dr. Linkletter: Only if you feel good about it. You're his parent. I'm just an absentminded academic who's never had children.
Mary: Come on, now. You've been such a great help looking after him at college.
Dr. Linkletter: Yes, but college isn't the same as three days in a van.
Mary: Huh. Sheldon can be a nervous traveler.
Dr. Linkletter: Ah. Sounds like you don't want him to go.
Mary: No, I do want him to go. I just want to make sure that you and Dr. Sturgis are okay with it.
Dr. Linkletter: ... We're okay with it. If you're okay with it.
Mary: If you're okay with it, I'm okay with it.
Dr. Linkletter: Then it would seem we're both okay with it.
Mary: Okay.
Dr. Linkletter: Okay.
Mary: Oh, he's gonna be so happy.
Dr. Linkletter: Uh-huh.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: Mandy seems nice.
George Jr.: She's all right.
Meemaw: Things getting serious?
George Jr.: I don't know. Why?
Meemaw: Just wondering when you were gonna tell her your real age.
George Jr.: Age ain't nothing but a number.
Meemaw: Yeah, well, her number's way bigger than your number.
George Jr.: You ain't never lied about your age?
Meemaw: I'm a lady. Different rules.
George Jr.: It's not a big deal. We're just having fun.
Meemaw: Yeah, well, before you have too much fun, you better tell her.
George Jr.: That sounds less fun.
Meemaw: Welcome to being an adult. It sucks.

Quote from Mary

Mary: Who said you could go to Fort Davis?
Sheldon: President Hagemeyer.
Mary: Well, I didn't say you could go.
Sheldon: It's fine. I'll be with Dr. Sturgis and Dr. Linkletter.
Mary: For how long?
Sheldon: Three days.
Mary: And they're okay with this?
Sheldon: Why wouldn't they be?
Mary: No reason.

Quote from Meemaw

George Jr.: Hey, y'all.
Meemaw: Well, speak of the devil.
George Jr.: What's going on, ladies?
Meemaw: Just getting to know Mandy here.
Mandy: Yeah, I was telling her about San Antonio.
George Jr.: Oh, she's from Texas. She knows all about that stuff. Anyways, I'll let you get back to work.
Meemaw: Well, I'll leave you two kids be. And listen to me, calling you young adults "kids." [chuckles] Like you were still teenagers or something.
Mandy: I wish. [chuckles]

Quote from President Hagemeyer

Dr. Linkletter: On to more pressing matters. Does Sheldon Cooper have to come?
Dr. John Sturgis: Shouldn't he? He is part of the team.
Dr. Linkletter: But isn't there some rule against minors traveling?
President Hagemeyer: No.
Dr. Linkletter: Can there be?
President Hagemeyer: No, it's better for the project if he's out there in the field with you.
Dr. Linkletter: But isn't it better for his education if he stays here in class?
President Hagemeyer: Oh, I think that a trip like this could be very educational in its own way.
Dr. Linkletter: Mm. You just don't want him around here bugging you.
President Hagemeyer: Winner winner he's-going-with-you dinner.

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Dr. John Sturgis: Well, that's a shame.
Dr. Linkletter: I'm sorry.
Dr. John Sturgis: It's just an armadillo, right?
Sheldon: It didn't seem that way to you in the van.
Dr. John Sturgis: I know it's silly, but... when I saw it lying there all bald and helpless, I thought, "That's gonna be me one day."
Pat: That is the most damn depressing thing I have ever heard.
Dr. Linkletter: The end of life does tend to be depressing.
Sheldon: In New Orleans, they embrace the tradition of a jazz funeral where the deceased are celebrated through music.
Dr. John Sturgis: That's true. Barkeep, do you happen to have any Dixieland jazz on the jukebox to celebrate the life of an armadillo?
Pat: Y'all need to leave now.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: After a quick burial behind the bar, we were back on the road. Dr. Sturgis tried to find some appropriate music for a proper send-off. Three Christian talk shows and a whole lot of static later, he settled on what he declared the Dixieland jazz of West Texas. ["El Son de la Negra / Guadalajara" playing] Mariachi.
Dr. John Sturgis: Vaya con dios, armadillo. Vaya con dios.

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: Put your shoes on.
Missy: Why?
George Sr.: Let's you and me go do something fun.
Missy: Something I think is fun or something you think is fun?
George Sr.: Something we both think is fun. Come on, get in the truck.
Missy: You gonna teach me how to drive?
George Sr.: No.
Missy: You sure? It would just make me feel so much better about all the stuff Sheldon gets to do.
George Sr.: You're not driving.
Missy: I would seriously love you so much if I could drive.
George Sr.: Stop it.

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Dr. John Sturgis: [on the phone] I know you're a human hospital, but the animal hospital isn't answering their phone. Well, is there a doctor who has a soft spot for pets? Maybe a nurse with pictures of cats on her desk? [Dr. Linkletter takes a look under the towel]
Dr. Linkletter: You can hang up the phone, John.
Dr. John Sturgis: Why?
Dr. Linkletter: I think you know why.
Dr. John Sturgis: Thank you for your time.

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Pat: Y'all must be lost.
Sheldon: Oh, we're not lost. You can't get lost with a AAA TripTik.
Pat: I mean, I don't know where you're trying to be, but this ain't it.
Dr. Linkletter: Message received. We'll be on our way.
Dr. John Sturgis: Please. We have an injured armadillo that needs medical assistance.
Pat: You brought that filthy thing into my bar?
Dr. Linkletter: And now we're taking it out. Let's go.
Dr. John Sturgis: If we could just use your phone.

Quote from Dr. Linkletter

Dr. Linkletter: This isn't exactly the firehouse I was expecting.
Sheldon: Are minors allowed in here?
Dr. Linkletter: No one should be allowed in here.
Dr. John Sturgis: I'm sure they have a phone we can use. Excuse me, barkeep? Could we get some help over here?
Dr. Linkletter: And don't say "barkeep."

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Dr. Linkletter: Don't get bitten. I'm not wrapping you in a towel, too.
Dr. John Sturgis: I'm just giving it water.
Sheldon: Okay, there's a firehouse 28 miles away.
Dr. John Sturgis: I bet they can help.
Sheldon: I was thinking we'd leave it on their doorstep.
Dr. John Sturgis: This isn't a joke. I injured this creature, so I have to take care of it. Do you understand?
Sheldon: Yes, sir.

Quote from Missy

Missy: What's with the maps?
Sheldon: I'm going with Dr. Sturgis and Dr. Linkletter to a radio telescope in the Davis Mountains.
Missy: [sighs] Of course you are.
George Sr.: Problem?
Missy: Nope. He gets to do whatever he wants, and I'm not even allowed to go the beach with my friends.
George Sr.: It's just a school trip.
Missy: It's fine.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: In the meantime, can I call AAA?
Mary: Can it please wait?
Sheldon: No.
Mary: [sighs] Card is in my purse.
Sheldon: You're what guys call "a keeper."

Quote from President Hagemeyer

Dr. John Sturgis: So far, the data is extremely promising. Five microkelvin!
President Hagemeyer: Ah. Well, you seem excited, so... cool.

Quote from Dr. Linkletter

Sheldon: When should we publish?
Dr. Linkletter: Not yet. There's only a three-sigma significance. It needs to be higher.
Dr. John Sturgis: That'd require a much more robust signal.
Dr. Linkletter: And you know what that means.
Dr. John Sturgis: Road trip to the super telescope?
Dr. John Sturgis: Road trip to the super telescope, baby.
Sheldon: When are we leaving?
Dr. Linkletter: Oh, right. You.

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