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40Quotes from ‘A Musty Crypt and a Stick to Pee On’

  • A Musty Crypt and a Stick to Pee On

    405. A Musty Crypt and a Stick to Pee On

    Aired December 17, 2020

    As Mary and George take a trip with Coach Wilkins and his wife, Dale tries to show another side of himself as he joins Meemaw in looking after Sheldon and Missy for the weekend. Meanwhile, Georgie panics when Jana thinks she's pregnant.

Quote from Missy

Dale: I figured we'd order pizza.
Missy: Okay.
Dale: What do you want on it?
Missy: Everything except onions, green peppers, mushrooms, spinach...
Dale: No vegetables. Got it.
Meemaw: How about a little salad, too?
Missy: If you like wasting money.
Meemaw: Spoken like a true Texan.

Quote from George Sr.

Darlene: Ooh, this camper is so cool.
Mary: We borrowed it from my mom's boyfriend.
George Sr.: Yeah, you might not want to poke around too much. You find my mother-in-law's bra, I'm driving into a brick wall.

Quote from George Jr.

George Jr.: Just out of curiosity, when exactly are you and Mom leaving, and when exactly are y'all coming back?
George Sr.: You're not bringing your girlfriend here.
George Jr.: Excuse me for taking an interest in your life.
George Sr.: Besides, your grandma'll be here the whole time.
George Jr.: Never mind. Wait. So her house'll be empty?
George Sr.: Look, I used to be your age, but can you try thinking with your brain for once?
George Jr.: If you used to be my age, I think you know the answer to that.

Quote from George Jr.

George Jr.: I wonder who came up with blue raspberry. Raspberries ain't blue.
Jana: It should be blueberry.
George Jr.: You'd think. But blueberries ain't blue either, they're purple. The whole blue food situation in this country needs some work.

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: This is ridiculous.
Coach Wilkins: Just do it, you baby.
George Sr.: Fine. Mary, I appreciate you.
Coach Wilkins: That's the best you can do? Baby, you have any single friends for this poor woman?
George Sr.: Mary, I appreciate how much you take care of the house and... all of us. I know it's not easy.
Mary: Thank you. That means a lot.
Coach Wilkins: I love it. Mary, you're up.
Mary: [chuckles] Well, George... I appreciate how hard you work. I know you make a lot of sacrifices for us, and you don't get enough credit for that.
George Sr.: Thank you.

Quote from George Sr.

Mary: So you've stayed at this hotel before?
George Sr.: Oh, yeah. It's nice. They got an indoor pool and a killer breakfast buffet. There's even a real nice gym we'll walk right past on the way to the breakfast buffet.

Quote from Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: As long as I can remember, unlocking the mechanisms that govern the physical universe was my greatest passion.
Mary: Whatcha workin' on?
Sheldon: Dungeons & Dragons.
Adult Sheldon: Hey, even Hawking took a roll through the park once in a while.
Sheldon: I'm working on a new campaign to play with Tam and Billy.
Mary: You know how I feel about that game.
Sheldon: I'm aware, which is why the most wicked thing in it is my sense of humor. [doorbell rings]
Mary: [sighs] I still don't like it. But you are playing with other kids, so I'll take it as a win.
Adult Sheldon: Not just playing with other kids, controlling every aspect of their destiny as their Dungeon Master overlord. I didn't believe in God but I sure loved acting like one.

Quote from Dale

Dale: W-Wh... Wait a minute. What's a paladin?
Sheldon: A paladin is a holy knight who crusades in the name of good.
Dale: Oh, I like that. I want to be that.
Meemaw: Really?
Dale: Yeah, I've been meaning to do more crusading in the name of good.
Meemaw: Okay. You say you got thief on that list? I'll be a thief. That sounds like fun.

Quote from George Jr.

[fantasy:]
Jana: I'm pregnant. You sure I'm not too heavy?
George Jr.: No, I got it. I guess it's time to do what people do on their wedding night.
Jana: Georgie, we're gonna be parents. We don't do that anymore.
George Jr.: Oh, right.
Jana: Besides, my water just broke all over your bed.
George Jr.: Dadgum it.

Quote from George Jr.

[fantasy:]
Jana: Stop having fun, and help me take care of these babies.
George Jr.: But I just got home from my day job. And I only have ten minutes till my night job.
Jana: That's ten minutes you could be helping. Now go change whichever this one is.

Quote from George Jr.

[fantasy:]
Mary: Georgie, there's a band called Guns N' Roses on the phone.
George Jr.: Really?
Mary: Yeah. The guitarist hurt his hand, and they want you to fill in.
George Jr.: [sighs] Tell them I can't. I'm a dad now.
Mary: Okay.

Quote from Meemaw

Sheldon: You enter a dark and musty crypt. Torches along the walls fill the room with a flickering light. In the center of the room is a mysterious glowing chest. What do you do?
Missy: I open the chest.
Meemaw: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
[fantasy:]
Meemaw: It's a chest in the middle of a crypt. That's a little suspicious, don't you think?
Missy: I don't know. I'm not even sure what a crypt is.
Meemaw: Aah! It could be booby-trapped.
Sheldon: [v.o.] Thieves have the ability to check for traps.
Meemaw: Good for me, I can do that.
Dale: Hold it. This chest does not belong to us.
Meemaw: So?
Dale: I'm a paladin. It's not a very... paladin-y thing to do.
Meemaw: You didn't want to steal the key, you didn't want to fight the goblins. You wouldn't even kill the spider. You put it in a cup and took it outside.
[reality:]
Dale: Well, that wasn't in the game.
Meemaw: I know. It was in real life, which is worse.

Quote from Dale

Dale: Could me and your meemaw have a little privacy, please?
Missy: We can leave, but we're still gonna listen.
Sheldon: [rolls dice] Also, you find no traps.
Dale: What is your problem?
Meemaw: You act like Mr. Goody Two-shoes, and you expect me to believe that's real?
Dale: Yeah.
Meemaw: Well, I don't.
Dale: Sheldon said there were no traps. [scoffs]

Quote from George Jr.

George Jr.: So, what do you want to do?
Jana: Probably something with our clothes on.
George Jr.: No kidding. That was scary.
Jana: Terrifying.
George Jr.: I was afraid I was gonna have to marry you.
Jana: Afraid?
George Jr.: Shaking in my boots.
Jana: And what, exactly, would be so terrible about marrying me?
George Jr.: I didn't say terrible. You can be afraid of things that are great.
Jana: Like what?
George Jr.: Uh... Oh, roller coasters.
Jana: You're an idiot.
George Jr.: Roller coasters is a good answer. I didn't say sharks, which is what I thought of first.
Jana: You're making it worse.
George Jr.: How is I worse? I didn't say it. Roller coasters is a good answer.

Quote from Missy

Meemaw: Missy, help me out here.
Missy: Communication is important. I learned that on the Fresh Prince show.

Quote from Dale

Dale: [sighs] I asked you to marry me and you turned me down flat.
Meemaw: Are you still mad about that?
Dale: Oh, hell yeah I'm still mad about that.
Missy: He proposed?
Sheldon: He just said he did. Pay attention.
Dale: And you didn't even take it seriously.
Meemaw: I didn't take it seriously because you were drunk.
Dale: That's when I'm the most honest. You can ask anybody at the bar.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: Okay, fine. That still doesn't change the fact that I'm not interested in getting married again.
Dale: Why not?
Meemaw: I don't have to explain myself to you.
Missy: I'd like to know.
Sheldon: And I'd like to play D&D.
Meemaw: We've been through this. I like my life just the way it is, and if you can't work with that, then, well...
Dale: Well what?
Meemaw: Tough knuckles.
Missy: Whoa.

Quote from Dale

Dale: Well, that's good, then. I don't have to pretend to be mister water-drinking nice guy anymore.
Meemaw: That's what I've been trying to tell you.
Dale: [smiles] Yeah, well. Will you all excuse me?
Meemaw: Where you going?
Dale: I'm gonna get myself a beer. [chuckles]
Sheldon: [to Meemaw and Missy] So you're standing in a crypt looking at a locked chest. What do you do?
Dale: [o.s.] Pull a beer out of it.

Quote from Missy

[fantasy:]
Meemaw: Get out of my way. I'm a thief, and I'm opening this chest.
Dale: Have at it. I'm a paladin with a buzz on.
[reality:]
Sheldon: Success. The chest opens, revealing a scroll with ancient writing in a strange language you don't recognize. What do you do?
Missy: I say this is boring...
[fantasy:]
Missy: ...and turn myself into a Ninja Turtle Princess of Power.
♪ Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles... ♪
Missy: This game just got good. High five.
Dale: Yeah.
♪ Heroes in a half-shell, turtle power. ♪

Quote from George Jr.

George Jr.: I got it.
Jana: Anybody see you?
George Jr.: No. And I didn't recognize the guy behind the counter, but I used an Italian accent just in case.
Jana: Please tell me you're joking.
George Jr.: [Italian accent] Oh, I'm-a no joking.
Jana: Oh, God.
George Jr.: Here. Do it.
Jana: I can't do it here. I have to pee on it.
George Jr.: Okay, fine. Although we've done crazier stuff in this truck.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: I don't want anything. I'm not hungry.
Meemaw: Well, what's the matter?
Sheldon: My friends were supposed to play Dungeons & Dragons with me, but they cancelled.
Meemaw: Aw. Sorry.
Dale: We can play it with you.
Sheldon: Really?
Meemaw: Dale, that's nice, but... I don't think you'll like it.
Dale: Afraid I might beat you?
Sheldon: Actually, there's no one winner. It's a cooperative game where you use your imagination to explore a fantasy world with the help of the Dungeon Master's pre-planned scenarios and the rolling of polyhedral dice.
Meemaw: Still sound fun?
Dale: Yeah. Sorta.

Quote from Missy

Dale: So what's Sheldon like?
Missy: A pain in the ass.
Meemaw: No, he means, what does Sheldon like on his pizza?
Missy: Oh. [shouts] Sheldon! What do you want on your pizza!?
Meemaw: Still glad you came?
Dale: Actually, I am.
Sheldon: [enters] I don't want any pizza.
Missy: See? Pain in the ass.

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: I didn't know he was bringing his wife.
Mary: And of course it didn't even occur to you to ask me?
George Sr.: Well, no, but isn't that better than thinking about it and then not doing it?
Mary: They both make you a jerk.
George Sr.: [sighs] Since when are you interested in a coaches conference?
Mary: I am interested in a weekend at a nice hotel by a river.
George Sr.: Hotel is pretty nice.

Quote from Meemaw

Mary: I thought you and Dale might have plans.
Meemaw: We might hang out, but... it's fine.
Mary: Something going on?
Meemaw: Mm-mm.
Mary: Sounds like something.
Meemaw: Well... he's trying to be a better person, and... it's weird.
Mary: Weird how?
Meemaw: Just doesn't seem natural.
Mary: I don't follow.
Meemaw: Like when you see a dancing bear at the circus, and you know it just wants to rip some clown's head off.
Mary: That's graphic.

Quote from Mary

Mary: Why didn't you tell me there was a pool? I would've brought my bathing suit.
George Sr.: Hotels have pools... didn't think I needed to mention it.
Mary: Well, it would have been nice if you did.
George Sr.: They also have beds in the rooms. Did you remember your pajamas?
Mary: Okay, you don't have to act like that.
George Sr.: Well, you don't need to blame me 'cause you forgot your bathing suit.
Mary: Well, I guess we're not going in the pool.
George Sr.: Maybe you're not. I packed my suit.
Mary: Are you gonna behave like this all weekend?
George Sr.: What? Responsible and fun-loving? Probably.
Mary: You are such a... monkey butt.
George Sr.: [laughs] Come on. There's got to be more insulting name you can call me.
Mary: I am sure there is, but they're about to get in and they do not need to hear us arguing.

Quote from Missy

Dale: So, how does this work?
Sheldon: You start by creating your character.
Missy: I want to be a Ninja Turtle Princess of Power.
Meemaw: Put me down for that, too.
Sheldon: You have to choose from one of the character classes. There's thief, druid, paladin, wizard...
Missy: Ooh, wizard. I want that.
Sheldon: All right.
Missy: Then I'll use my magic to turn me into a Ninja Turtle Princess of Power.
Sheldon: No.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: Where are y'all going?
Mary: George has a coaches conference in San Antonio.
Meemaw: Oh, and you weaseled your way in? Good for you.
Mary: I didn't weasel.
Meemaw: So it was his idea?
Mary: Not exactly.
Meemaw: Ladies and gentlemen, we have a weasel. [laughs] Congratulations.

Quote from Sheldon

Mary: All right, baby, we're leaving here in a few minutes, but we'll be back on Sunday and your Meemaw will be here. [Sheldon doesn't respond] Sheldon?
Sheldon: What?
Mary: We're leaving.
Sheldon: Where are you going?
Mary: To San Antonio.
Sheldon: When are you leaving?
Mary: In a few minutes.
Sheldon: When will you get back?
Mary: Sunday.
Sheldon: But who's going to watch us?
Mary: Meemaw.
Sheldon: Okay. Bye.
Mary: Can you at least give me a hug?
Sheldon: I can.

Quote from George Jr.

George Jr.: This can't be happening. How sure are you?
Jana: I'm not sure. That's why I want to get the test.
George Jr.: Well, you don't look pregnant.
Jana: That's not how it works, Georgie.
George Jr.: I know. I'm just freaking out right now.
Jana: Let's just go to the drugstore.
George Jr.: Right. I feel like I'm gonna throw up.
Jana: Please don't say that.

Quote from Coach Wilkins

Coach Wilkins: Hey, Mary.
Mary: Wayne, come on in.
Coach Wilkins: Thank you.
Mary: George just ran to pick up some beers.
Coach Wilkins: It's funny when he runs, ain't it?

Quote from Coach Wilkins

Coach Wilkins: Oh, hey, Darlene wanted to know if you were gonna pack anything nice to wear.
Mary: For what?
Coach Wilkins: The coaches conference.
Mary: I wasn't going to that. Darlene's going?
Coach Wilkins: A free weekend in San Antonio? [chuckles] Hotel on the river? Of course she's going.
Mary: Oh.
Coach Wilkins: Did George not invite you?
Mary: No, he didn't.
Coach Wilkins: Honestly, what is wrong with that man?
George Sr.: Game time! [both look at George]
George Sr.: What?
Sheldon: Mom's just mad I'm playing Dungeons & Dragons.
George Sr.: Oh, good.

Quote from Dale

Meemaw: What happened to you? You used to be fun.
Dale: Come on, I'm playing this stupid game with your grandkids.
Sheldon: That's rude.
Meemaw: Cut the crap. We both know this isn't you.
Dale: Oh, I can't win with you.
Meemaw: What does that mean?
Dale: Forget it.
Meemaw: No, I'm not gonna forget it. Talk to me.
Dale: I don't want to.

Quote from George Jr.

George Jr.: What do you want to do later? Movies? Putt-putt?
Jana: I was thinking maybe we could go get a test.
George Jr.: What kind of test?
Jana: The... pregnancy kind.
George Jr.: [to a customer who enters] We're closed.
Man: But the sign says...
George Jr.: We're closed!

Quote from George Sr.

Coach Wilkins: Now, I know it's hokey, but at least once a day, Darlene and I say one thing that we appreciate about each other.
Darlene: Isn't that sweet? It was Wayne's idea.
Coach Wilkins: I appreciate you saying that.
George Sr.: And I'm gonna vomit.

Quote from George Jr.

George Jr.: Well?
Jana: I'm not.
George Jr.: Really?
Jana: We're good.
George Jr.: Oh, thank God. [they hug] What a relief.
Jana: I know.
George Jr.: We better stop hugging, or you're gonna need another stick to pee on.

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: Can you guys not do that?
Coach Wilkins: Do what?
George Sr.: Be so happy. You're married. Act like it.
Coach Wilkins: How do you put up with him?
Mary: That's a good question. What's your secret?
Coach Wilkins & Darlene: [in unison] Communication.
George Sr.: Oh, God.

Quote from George Sr.

Darlene: Whoo-wee! Ha-ha! Hey, Mary.
Mary: Darlene, good to see you.
Coach Wilkins: Oh, hey. George, how's it going?
George Sr.: Good, good. We were definitely not arguing ten seconds ago.

Quote from George Jr.

Jana: Okay, I think I got it. It takes ten minutes for the results.
George Jr.: You want me to go in with you?
Jana: To watch me pee on a stick?
George Jr.: I'm being supportive right now. You could try the same.

Quote from Mary

George Sr.: Oh, by the way, I made reservations tonight at that, uh, steakhouse on the Riverwalk.
Coach Wilkins: Ooh, fancy.
George Sr.: Well, yeah. Nothing says fancy like a two-pound slab of meat.
Coach Wilkins: Oh, shoot. I didn't pack my dress shoes.
Mary: See, George? It might be helpful if you mentioned some of these things ahead of time.
George Sr.: Here we go.
Darlene: Wayne's always doing stuff like this.
Mary: I'm glad to know it's not just us.
Darlene: That's why I packed his shoes last night.
Coach Wilkins: You did? Baby, you're the best.
Darlene: Well, how can I be the best when you are?
Mary: [to herself] It is just us.

Quote from Missy

Missy: What's up?
Coach Wilkins: Watching the game with your dad.
Missy: Where is he?
Coach Wilkins: Getting yelled at by your mom.
Missy: Cool. [sits down]

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