Darlene: Ooh, this camper is so cool.
Mary: We borrowed it from my mom's boyfriend.
George Sr.: Yeah, you might not want to poke around too much. You find my mother-in-law's bra, I'm driving into a brick wall.

George Jr.: Just out of curiosity, when exactly are you and Mom leaving, and when exactly are y'all coming back?
George Sr.: You're not bringing your girlfriend here.
George Jr.: Excuse me for taking an interest in your life.
George Sr.: Besides, your grandma'll be here the whole time.
George Jr.: Never mind. Wait. So her house'll be empty?
George Sr.: Look, I used to be your age, but can you try thinking with your brain for once?
George Jr.: If you used to be my age, I think you know the answer to that.

George Jr.: I wonder who came up with blue raspberry. Raspberries ain't blue.
Jana: It should be blueberry.
George Jr.: You'd think. But blueberries ain't blue either, they're purple. The whole blue food situation in this country needs some work.

George Sr.: This is ridiculous.
Coach Wilkins: Just do it, you baby.
George Sr.: Fine. Mary, I appreciate you.
Coach Wilkins: That's the best you can do? Baby, you have any single friends for this poor woman?
George Sr.: Mary, I appreciate how much you take care of the house and... all of us. I know it's not easy.
Mary: Thank you. That means a lot.
Coach Wilkins: I love it. Mary, you're up.
Mary: [chuckles] Well, George... I appreciate how hard you work. I know you make a lot of sacrifices for us, and you don't get enough credit for that.
George Sr.: Thank you.

Mary: So you've stayed at this hotel before?
George Sr.: Oh, yeah. It's nice. They got an indoor pool and a killer breakfast buffet. There's even a real nice gym we'll walk right past on the way to the breakfast buffet.

Dale: So, how does this work?
Sheldon: You start by creating your character.
Missy: I want to be a Ninja Turtle Princess of Power.
Meemaw: Put me down for that, too.
Sheldon: You have to choose from one of the character classes. There's thief, druid, paladin, wizard...
Missy: Ooh, wizard. I want that.
Sheldon: All right.
Missy: Then I'll use my magic to turn me into a Ninja Turtle Princess of Power.
Sheldon: No.

Dale: W-Wh... Wait a minute. What's a paladin?
Sheldon: A paladin is a holy knight who crusades in the name of good.
Dale: Oh, I like that. I want to be that.
Meemaw: Really?
Dale: Yeah, I've been meaning to do more crusading in the name of good.
Meemaw: Okay. You say you got thief on that list? I'll be a thief. That sounds like fun.

Adult Sheldon: As long as I can remember, unlocking the mechanisms that govern the physical universe was my greatest passion.
Mary: Whatcha workin' on?
Sheldon: Dungeons & Dragons.
Adult Sheldon: Hey, even Hawking took a roll through the park once in a while.
Sheldon: I'm working on a new campaign to play with Tam and Billy.
Mary: You know how I feel about that game.
Sheldon: I'm aware, which is why the most wicked thing in it is my sense of humor. [doorbell rings]
Mary: [sighs] I still don't like it. But you are playing with other kids, so I'll take it as a win.
Adult Sheldon: Not just playing with other kids, controlling every aspect of their destiny as their Dungeon Master overlord. I didn't believe in God but I sure loved acting like one.

[fantasy:]
Jana: I'm pregnant. You sure I'm not too heavy?
George Jr.: No, I got it. I guess it's time to do what people do on their wedding night.
Jana: Georgie, we're gonna be parents. We don't do that anymore.
George Jr.: Oh, right.
Jana: Besides, my water just broke all over your bed.
George Jr.: Dadgum it.

[fantasy:]
Jana: Stop having fun, and help me take care of these babies.
George Jr.: But I just got home from my day job. And I only have ten minutes till my night job.
Jana: That's ten minutes you could be helping. Now go change whichever this one is.

[fantasy:]
Mary: Georgie, there's a band called Guns N' Roses on the phone.
George Jr.: Really?
Mary: Yeah. The guitarist hurt his hand, and they want you to fill in.
George Jr.: [sighs] Tell them I can't. I'm a dad now.
Mary: Okay.

Sheldon: You enter a dark and musty crypt. Torches along the walls fill the room with a flickering light. In the center of the room is a mysterious glowing chest. What do you do?
Missy: I open the chest.
Meemaw: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
[fantasy:]
Meemaw: It's a chest in the middle of a crypt. That's a little suspicious, don't you think?
Missy: I don't know. I'm not even sure what a crypt is.
Meemaw: Aah! It could be booby-trapped.
Sheldon: [v.o.] Thieves have the ability to check for traps.
Meemaw: Good for me, I can do that.
Dale: Hold it. This chest does not belong to us.
Meemaw: So?
Dale: I'm a paladin. It's not a very... paladin-y thing to do.
Meemaw: You didn't want to steal the key, you didn't want to fight the goblins. You wouldn't even kill the spider. You put it in a cup and took it outside.
[reality:]
Dale: Well, that wasn't in the game.
Meemaw: I know. It was in real life, which is worse.

Dale: Could me and your meemaw have a little privacy, please?
Missy: We can leave, but we're still gonna listen.
Sheldon: [rolls dice] Also, you find no traps.
Dale: What is your problem?
Meemaw: You act like Mr. Goody Two-shoes, and you expect me to believe that's real?
Dale: Yeah.
Meemaw: Well, I don't.
Dale: Sheldon said there were no traps. [scoffs]

George Jr.: So, what do you want to do?
Jana: Probably something with our clothes on.
George Jr.: No kidding. That was scary.
Jana: Terrifying.
George Jr.: I was afraid I was gonna have to marry you.
Jana: Afraid?
George Jr.: Shaking in my boots.
Jana: And what, exactly, would be so terrible about marrying me?
George Jr.: I didn't say terrible. You can be afraid of things that are great.
Jana: Like what?
George Jr.: Uh... Oh, roller coasters.
Jana: You're an idiot.
George Jr.: Roller coasters is a good answer. I didn't say sharks, which is what I thought of first.
Jana: You're making it worse.
George Jr.: How is I worse? I didn't say it. Roller coasters is a good answer.

Meemaw: Missy, help me out here.
Missy: Communication is important. I learned that on the Fresh Prince show.

Dale: [sighs] I asked you to marry me and you turned me down flat.
Meemaw: Are you still mad about that?
Dale: Oh, hell yeah I'm still mad about that.
Missy: He proposed?
Sheldon: He just said he did. Pay attention.
Dale: And you didn't even take it seriously.
Meemaw: I didn't take it seriously because you were drunk.
Dale: That's when I'm the most honest. You can ask anybody at the bar.

Meemaw: Okay, fine. That still doesn't change the fact that I'm not interested in getting married again.
Dale: Why not?
Meemaw: I don't have to explain myself to you.
Missy: I'd like to know.
Sheldon: And I'd like to play D&D.
Meemaw: We've been through this. I like my life just the way it is, and if you can't work with that, then, well...
Dale: Well what?
Meemaw: Tough knuckles.
Missy: Whoa.

Dale: Well, that's good, then. I don't have to pretend to be mister water-drinking nice guy anymore.
Meemaw: That's what I've been trying to tell you.
Dale: [smiles] Yeah, well. Will you all excuse me?
Meemaw: Where you going?
Dale: I'm gonna get myself a beer. [chuckles]
Sheldon: [to Meemaw and Missy] So you're standing in a crypt looking at a locked chest. What do you do?
Dale: [o.s.] Pull a beer out of it.

[fantasy:]
Meemaw: Get out of my way. I'm a thief, and I'm opening this chest.
Dale: Have at it. I'm a paladin with a buzz on.
[reality:]
Sheldon: Success. The chest opens, revealing a scroll with ancient writing in a strange language you don't recognize. What do you do?
Missy: I say this is boring...
[fantasy:]
Missy: ...and turn myself into a Ninja Turtle Princess of Power.
♪ Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles... ♪
Missy: This game just got good. High five.
Dale: Yeah.
♪ Heroes in a half-shell, turtle power. ♪

George Jr.: I got it.
Jana: Anybody see you?
George Jr.: No. And I didn't recognize the guy behind the counter, but I used an Italian accent just in case.
Jana: Please tell me you're joking.
George Jr.: [Italian accent] Oh, I'm-a no joking.
Jana: Oh, God.
George Jr.: Here. Do it.
Jana: I can't do it here. I have to pee on it.
George Jr.: Okay, fine. Although we've done crazier stuff in this truck.

Sheldon: I don't want anything. I'm not hungry.
Meemaw: Well, what's the matter?
Sheldon: My friends were supposed to play Dungeons & Dragons with me, but they cancelled.
Meemaw: Aw. Sorry.
Dale: We can play it with you.
Sheldon: Really?
Meemaw: Dale, that's nice, but... I don't think you'll like it.
Dale: Afraid I might beat you?
Sheldon: Actually, there's no one winner. It's a cooperative game where you use your imagination to explore a fantasy world with the help of the Dungeon Master's pre-planned scenarios and the rolling of polyhedral dice.
Meemaw: Still sound fun?
Dale: Yeah. Sorta.

George Sr.: I didn't know he was bringing his wife.
Mary: And of course it didn't even occur to you to ask me?
George Sr.: Well, no, but isn't that better than thinking about it and then not doing it?
Mary: They both make you a jerk.
George Sr.: [sighs] Since when are you interested in a coaches conference?
Mary: I am interested in a weekend at a nice hotel by a river.
George Sr.: Hotel is pretty nice.

Mary: I thought you and Dale might have plans.
Meemaw: We might hang out, but... it's fine.
Mary: Something going on?
Meemaw: Mm-mm.
Mary: Sounds like something.
Meemaw: Well... he's trying to be a better person, and... it's weird.
Mary: Weird how?
Meemaw: Just doesn't seem natural.
Mary: I don't follow.
Meemaw: Like when you see a dancing bear at the circus, and you know it just wants to rip some clown's head off.
Mary: That's graphic.

Mary: Why didn't you tell me there was a pool? I would've brought my bathing suit.
George Sr.: Hotels have pools... didn't think I needed to mention it.
Mary: Well, it would have been nice if you did.
George Sr.: They also have beds in the rooms. Did you remember your pajamas?
Mary: Okay, you don't have to act like that.
George Sr.: Well, you don't need to blame me 'cause you forgot your bathing suit.
Mary: Well, I guess we're not going in the pool.
George Sr.: Maybe you're not. I packed my suit.
Mary: Are you gonna behave like this all weekend?
George Sr.: What? Responsible and fun-loving? Probably.
Mary: You are such a... monkey butt.
George Sr.: [laughs] Come on. There's got to be more insulting name you can call me.
Mary: I am sure there is, but they're about to get in and they do not need to hear us arguing.

Meemaw: Where are y'all going?
Mary: George has a coaches conference in San Antonio.
Meemaw: Oh, and you weaseled your way in? Good for you.
Mary: I didn't weasel.
Meemaw: So it was his idea?
Mary: Not exactly.
Meemaw: Ladies and gentlemen, we have a weasel. [laughs] Congratulations.

Mary: All right, baby, we're leaving here in a few minutes, but we'll be back on Sunday and your Meemaw will be here. [Sheldon doesn't respond] Sheldon?
Sheldon: What?
Mary: We're leaving.
Sheldon: Where are you going?
Mary: To San Antonio.
Sheldon: When are you leaving?
Mary: In a few minutes.
Sheldon: When will you get back?
Mary: Sunday.
Sheldon: But who's going to watch us?
Mary: Meemaw.
Sheldon: Okay. Bye.
Mary: Can you at least give me a hug?
Sheldon: I can.

Dale: I figured we'd order pizza.
Missy: Okay.
Dale: What do you want on it?
Missy: Everything except onions, green peppers, mushrooms, spinach...
Dale: No vegetables. Got it.
Meemaw: How about a little salad, too?
Missy: If you like wasting money.
Meemaw: Spoken like a true Texan.

Coach Wilkins: Hey, Mary.
Mary: Wayne, come on in.
Coach Wilkins: Thank you.
Mary: George just ran to pick up some beers.
Coach Wilkins: It's funny when he runs, ain't it?

George Sr.: Oh, by the way, I made reservations tonight at that, uh, steakhouse on the Riverwalk.
Coach Wilkins: Ooh, fancy.
George Sr.: Well, yeah. Nothing says fancy like a two-pound slab of meat.
Coach Wilkins: Oh, shoot. I didn't pack my dress shoes.
Mary: See, George? It might be helpful if you mentioned some of these things ahead of time.
George Sr.: Here we go.
Darlene: Wayne's always doing stuff like this.
Mary: I'm glad to know it's not just us.
Darlene: That's why I packed his shoes last night.
Coach Wilkins: You did? Baby, you're the best.
Darlene: Well, how can I be the best when you are?
Mary: [to herself] It is just us.

Coach Wilkins: Oh, hey, Darlene wanted to know if you were gonna pack anything nice to wear.
Mary: For what?
Coach Wilkins: The coaches conference.
Mary: I wasn't going to that. Darlene's going?
Coach Wilkins: A free weekend in San Antonio? [chuckles] Hotel on the river? Of course she's going.
Mary: Oh.
Coach Wilkins: Did George not invite you?
Mary: No, he didn't.
Coach Wilkins: Honestly, what is wrong with that man?
George Sr.: Game time! [both look at George]
George Sr.: What?
Sheldon: Mom's just mad I'm playing Dungeons & Dragons.
George Sr.: Oh, good.

Meemaw: What happened to you? You used to be fun.
Dale: Come on, I'm playing this stupid game with your grandkids.
Sheldon: That's rude.
Meemaw: Cut the crap. We both know this isn't you.
Dale: Oh, I can't win with you.
Meemaw: What does that mean?
Dale: Forget it.
Meemaw: No, I'm not gonna forget it. Talk to me.
Dale: I don't want to.

George Jr.: What do you want to do later? Movies? Putt-putt?
Jana: I was thinking maybe we could go get a test.
George Jr.: What kind of test?
Jana: The... pregnancy kind.
George Jr.: [to a customer who enters] We're closed.
Man: But the sign says...
George Jr.: We're closed!

Coach Wilkins: Now, I know it's hokey, but at least once a day, Darlene and I say one thing that we appreciate about each other.
Darlene: Isn't that sweet? It was Wayne's idea.
Coach Wilkins: I appreciate you saying that.
George Sr.: And I'm gonna vomit.

George Jr.: This can't be happening. How sure are you?
Jana: I'm not sure. That's why I want to get the test.
George Jr.: Well, you don't look pregnant.
Jana: That's not how it works, Georgie.
George Jr.: I know. I'm just freaking out right now.
Jana: Let's just go to the drugstore.
George Jr.: Right. I feel like I'm gonna throw up.
Jana: Please don't say that.

George Jr.: Well?
Jana: I'm not.
George Jr.: Really?
Jana: We're good.
George Jr.: Oh, thank God. [they hug] What a relief.
Jana: I know.
George Jr.: We better stop hugging, or you're gonna need another stick to pee on.

George Sr.: Can you guys not do that?
Coach Wilkins: Do what?
George Sr.: Be so happy. You're married. Act like it.
Coach Wilkins: How do you put up with him?
Mary: That's a good question. What's your secret?
Coach Wilkins & Darlene: [in unison] Communication.
George Sr.: Oh, God.

Darlene: Whoo-wee! Ha-ha! Hey, Mary.
Mary: Darlene, good to see you.
Coach Wilkins: Oh, hey. George, how's it going?
George Sr.: Good, good. We were definitely not arguing ten seconds ago.

Dale: So what's Sheldon like?
Missy: A pain in the ass.
Meemaw: No, he means, what does Sheldon like on his pizza?
Missy: Oh. [shouts] Sheldon! What do you want on your pizza!?
Meemaw: Still glad you came?
Dale: Actually, I am.
Sheldon: [enters] I don't want any pizza.
Missy: See? Pain in the ass.

Jana: Okay, I think I got it. It takes ten minutes for the results.
George Jr.: You want me to go in with you?
Jana: To watch me pee on a stick?
George Jr.: I'm being supportive right now. You could try the same.

Missy: What's up?
Coach Wilkins: Watching the game with your dad.
Missy: Where is he?
Coach Wilkins: Getting yelled at by your mom.
Missy: Cool. [sits down]