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58Quotes from ‘A Perfect Score and a Bunsen Burner Marshmallow’

A Perfect Score and a Bunsen Burner Marshmallow

218. A Perfect Score and a Bunsen Burner Marshmallow

Aired April 4, 2019

When Sheldon asks why he can't take college classes full time after acing his PSATs, his parents agree to let him live with Dr. Sturgis on a trial basis to see what life away from home is like. Meanwhile, without Sheldon to fuss over, Mary tries to bond with the rest of her family.

Quote from Sheldon

George Sr.: So what's this mean?
Principal Petersen: It means he pitched a perfect game, George. I've already gotten calls from colleges who want to meet him.
George Sr.: For, like, scholarships and stuff?
Principal Petersen: For everything! They might even pay you to get him.
George Sr.: My man!
Sheldon: When was the last time you washed your hands?
George Sr.: Come on!

Quote from Sheldon

George Sr.: And not just that. Colleges are already sniffing around to recruit him.
Mary: What do you mean, colleges? He's ten.
Sheldon: Principal Petersen said Caltech is interested.
Mary: Where's Caltech?
Sheldon: California, Mom.
Mary: California?!
Meemaw: It has "Cal" right there in the name.
Mary: You're not a part of this conversation.
Sheldon: The "tech" is for "technology."

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Meemaw: John, I don't think you realize the responsibility involved here.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, why don't we have a trial run? Have him spend a couple days with me and see how it goes.
Meemaw: A trial run, huh?
Dr. John Sturgis: Like the space program. You don't send people up right away; you start by spinning them around in that thing that makes them throw up.

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Mary: Remember, it's a school night, so his bedtime is 7:30.
Dr. John Sturgis: Mine, too!

Quote from Mary

Radio: "So far away, Doesn't anybody stay in one place anymore?"
Mary: Shut up, Carole King.

Quote from Sheldon

Dr. John Sturgis: In my dreams, I'm usually running for my life from a giant praying mantis.
Sheldon: That's the insect where the female eats the male after mating?
Dr. John Sturgis: It is.
Sheldon: I think I understand why you're not married.

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Sheldon: Do you believe there's intelligent life in the universe?
Dr. John Sturgis: I have no doubt.
Sheldon: Why is that?
Dr. John Sturgis: The Drake Equation claims that there are at least 20 detectable civilizations in our Milky Way galaxy alone.
Sheldon: Interesting. My sister likes to say that I'm an alien.
Dr. John Sturgis: I've often been called that. Once by the praying mantis in my dream.
Sheldon: Maybe we are aliens.
Dr. John Sturgis: Perhaps. Or maybe people like you and me were the original inhabitants of Earth, and everyone else is from outer space.
Sheldon: Ooh, I like that better.

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Dr. John Sturgis: Would you like me to sing a cowboy song while we sit around our makeshift campfire?
Sheldon: I would like that.
Dr. John Sturgis: [singing] Oh, pity the cowboy, All bloody and red, For the bronco fell on him, And bashed in his head, There was blood on the saddle, And blood all around, And a great big puddle of blood, On the ground.

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Sheldon: I think you tripped and hit your head.
Dr. John Sturgis: I'm a bit woozy.
Sheldon: I better test for concussion. What's your name?
Dr. John Sturgis: John Burgess Sturgis.
Sheldon: Burgess Sturgis? Great name.
Dr. John Sturgis: Thank you.

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Sheldon: Last question. What is the only fermion that may not have an antiparticle?
Dr. John Sturgis: The neutrino, of course.
Sheldon: I'm gonna rule out concussion.
Dr. John Sturgis: To be fair, it was an easy question.
Sheldon: True.

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Dr. John Sturgis: What were you thinking, letting me take care of a child? I won't make that mistake again. Do I look like Mary Poppins?

Quote from Sheldon

Ms. Ingram: Mm-hmm. I'll tell him. Sheldon, you need to go to the principal's office.
Students: Ooh!
Sheldon: You do that every time. Why?

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: Uh-huh. Okay. I'll be right there.
Coach Wilkins: What's up?
George Sr.: Principal wants to talk to me.
Coach Wilkins: Ooh.
George Sr.: Grow up.

Quote from George Sr.

Principal Petersen: Gentlemen, good news.
George Sr.: I had a feeling.

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: I understand all that.
Mary: Then why are you pushing so hard for this?
George Sr.: Because these schools are interested now. It's like football recruitment. You got to strike while the iron's hot.
Mary: This is nothing like football.
George Sr.: Oh, yeah? What if he stops being smart and they don't want him anymore?
Mary: How is that gonna happen?
George Sr.: I don't know. Conks his head?

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: That's not true.
Missy: You can't even take care of your own boo-boos.
Sheldon: For your information, every college is staffed with a medical professional. My boo-boos will be well-tended to.

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Dr. John Sturgis: Here's an idea. Why don't you and Sheldon come live with me? And then you can take care of both of us.
Meemaw: Trial run sounds like the way to go.
Dr. John Sturgis: Not ready to shack up, are you?

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: The prospect of advancing to the next stage of academia had me feeling giddy.
And, on top of that, I got to pack a suitcase, which is like playing Tetris but with underwear.

Quote from Sheldon

Mary: You know, Shelly, it's okay if you're a little nervous. You can tell me.
Sheldon: I'm not nervous.
Mary: All right. When I was your age, a lot of times, I'd have to spend the weekend with my grandparents, and that always frightened me, 'cause they'd leave their teeth all over the place. I never told anybody, but I wish I had.
Sheldon: That does sound upsetting. Good thing I'm braver than you.

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Mary: You like chalkboards, huh?
Dr. John Sturgis: Indeed, I do.
Mary: Huh.
Dr. John Sturgis: In fact, I even have one in the bathroom. You never know when inspiration will strike.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: I may be the luckiest boy in East Texas.
Dr. John Sturgis: I know it's Thursday, so dinner will be spaghetti and hot dogs. And, for fun, I have a few episodes of Cosmos recorded.
Sheldon: Forget "maybe." I am the luckiest boy.

Quote from Sheldon

Dr. John Sturgis: You're my guest. After you.
Sheldon: This is like being around a campfire, only I'm not miserable.

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, and, uh if your meemaw asks how I did tonight, I hope you'll give me a positive review.
Sheldon: Three stars.
Dr. John Sturgis: Out of three?
Sheldon: Yes.
Dr. John Sturgis: Wonderful!

Quote from Brenda Sparks

Billy Sparks: Mom, I'm bleeding again!
Brenda Sparks: You know what, Mary? I appreciate it, but this isn't a great time. Bobbi stabbed Billy in the leg with a fork.
Mary: Good Lord. Is he okay?
Brenda Sparks: It was a plastic fork, but it broke the skin pretty good.
Mary: Oh, okay, I-I understand.
Brenda Sparks: How about I take that pie and give you a rain check?
Mary: Um, sure-
Billy Sparks: I think there's mustard in the fork holes!
Brenda Sparks: Got to go.
Mary: You can keep the pan!

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Sheldon: Who's the president of the United States?
Dr. John Sturgis: George Herbert Walker Bush.
Sheldon: I like Burgess Sturgis better.
Dr. John Sturgis: 'Cause it rhymes, sure.

Quote from Mary

[Mary sobbing]
George Sr.: Hey, what what's wrong?
Mary: Nothing. Keep going.
[Mary's crying intensifies]
George Sr.: Mary?
Mary: George, I just miss my little boy so much, and he's never gonna come back 'cause he doesn't need his mama.
George Sr.: Oh, baby, of course he'll come back.
Mary: No, you should've seen how happy he was.
George Sr.: All right, well, still got Georgie and Missy.
[Mary starts wailing]

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: As smart as I am, I tried to put out a fire with oxygen and paper.

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: Hey. He okay?
Mary: Yeah, he's fine.
George Sr.: How you doing?
Mary: Much better.
George Sr.: You know, I just been sitting here thinking how I drove an hour both ways to bring the two of them back. Pretty damn decent of me.
Mary: Come here. [Mary and George start kissing]

Quote from George Sr.

Sheldon: Hello!
George Sr.: Oh.
George Sr.: What are you doing here?
Sheldon: I got called to the principal's office.
George Sr.: So did I. What, you do something wrong?
Sheldon: Not that I'm aware of. Did you?
George Sr.: I hope not.
Sheldon: Maybe it's good news.
George Sr.: Sheldon, you ever been called to the principal's office for good news?
Sheldon: Never.

Quote from Sheldon

George Sr.: What's up?
Principal Petersen: We got the PSAT results back, and Sheldon got a perfect score.
Sheldon: Neat.
George Sr.: Thanks, Tom. I'll be sure to put that up on the fridge.
Principal Petersen: No, you don't understand. Sheldon's the only kid in the school to ever do this. At his age, maybe in the whole country.
Sheldon: It was fun. I enjoyed it.

Quote from Meemaw

George Sr.: Can you believe it? Perfect score.
Meemaw: Good job, moon pie.

Quote from Sheldon

Mary: Shelly, go to your room. The adults need to talk.
Sheldon: Given the events of the day, I would argue I am an adult and should be treated as one. [arriving in his bedroom] I probably could've said that differently.

Quote from Mary

Mary: You honestly think that little boy's ready for college?
George Sr.: Hey, I didn't think he was ready for high school, but here we are, a year and a half in, and no one got hurt.
Mary: That is different. He's got you and Georgie over there, and he's still living at home with his mother and his sister.
Meemaw: And me.
Mary: Sure.

Quote from Meemaw

Mary: Will you help me, please?
Meemaw: Sorry, I'm not a part of this conversation.

Quote from Missy

Sheldon: At least Dad's on my side.
Missy: Doesn't matter. Mom's gonna win. She always does.
Sheldon: But I have to leave for college at some point.
Missy: If you went to college, you know what would happen?
Sheldon: I'd enjoy higher learning?
Missy: You would die. You would curl up on the floor and die.

Quote from Missy

Mary: Sheldon! Come back in here!
Sheldon: I guess we'll find out what happened.
Missy: I already know what happened. Mom won.

Quote from Meemaw

Sheldon: Why can't I go there full-time?
Mary: Oh, baby, it's an hour away. We can't drive you back and forth every day.
Meemaw: I'm the one who's been driving him.
Sheldon: And she loves it.
Meemaw: How can he be so smart and so clueless at the same time?

Quote from Missy

Sheldon: They're still discussing.
Missy: Mom didn't win?
Sheldon: It's touch and go.
Missy: Crazy.

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Dr. John Sturgis: Sure!
Meemaw: What the heck? Do you really think you could handle living with a ten-year-old?
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, he's only biologically ten. In every other way, he's as old as I am.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: I don't know.
Dr. John Sturgis: Connie, despite appearances, I'm not some stereotypical absentminded professor who can't take care of a houseplant.
Meemaw: No, no, I wasn't saying that. Yeah, maybe I was.

Quote from Sheldon

Mary: I'm just saying, it can be tough sleeping in a new place without your mom.
Sheldon: Dr. Sturgis will be there. He's like a mom. But he's really smart.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Watching Cosmos while we're eating dinner? Am I awake? Because this feels like a dream.

Quote from Mary

Missy: This little piggy's looking good.
Mary: Hey, baby.
Missy: Hey.
Mary: Need any help?
Missy: No.
Mary: Do you want to do mine next?
Missy: Why?
Mary: Well, just seems like a thing mothers and daughters might do.
Missy: What's wrong with you?
Mary: Nothing. Never mind.

Quote from Sheldon

Dr. John Sturgis: After dinner, want to toast marshmallows on a Bunsen burner?
Sheldon: Good gosh, yes.

Quote from George Jr.

Mary: Want to go out and get some ice cream?
George Jr.: I'm watching this.
Mary: Well, when it's over.
George Jr.: Not really.
Mary: Okay. Want to play Monopoly?
George Jr.: I'll let you be the thimble.
Mary: Well, pooh to you. What about the little dog?
George Jr.: Nope.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: I don't say this often, but that may have been the perfect safety lecture.

Quote from Meemaw

Mary: You want to go bowl a few frames?
Meemaw: Don't you see me watching the Wheel?
Mary: You can just say "no."
Meemaw: No.

Quote from Mary

Mary: Have you talked to John tonight?
Meemaw: Yeah.
Mary: And?
Meemaw: He and Sheldon were watching TV without anybody yakking at 'em.
Mary: I'm going home. Thanks for stopping by.

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Dr. John Sturgis: If you like being tucked in, I'm prepared to do it. I practiced on a watermelon.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: That's okay. I'm a self-tucker.

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Dr. John Sturgis: Very well. Now, I'll be in my room if you need me. Here's a glass of water if you get thirsty. And there's fresh chalk on the blackboard in case of any late-night epiphanies.

Quote from Brenda Sparks

Brenda Sparks: What do you want?
Mary: I baked you a pie.
Brenda Sparks: Why?
Mary: Well, I was thinking we haven't had the best history as neighbors.
Brenda Sparks: That's 'cause we don't like each other.

Quote from Mary

Mary: Right, so I thought we could sit down over a slice of rhubarb pie and, you know, forgive and forget.
Brenda Sparks: I haven't done anything that needs forgiving.
Mary: Okay, well, that sounds like something we could sit down and talk about over the pie.

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Sheldon: Wait here. I'm going to go get some ice for your head and I'll fix you a hot beverage.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh. There's a, there's an Earl Grey tea bag in the sink. I think it still has some oomph in it.

Quote from Mary

Mary: Hey, what you doing?
George Sr.: Pretty much what it looks like.
Mary: Would you like some company?
George Sr.: Sure, I guess.
Mary: Of course, if you'd rather watch TV, I could leave you alone.
George Sr.: Oh, no, no. No, it's a rerun. But even if it weren't-
Mary: Ooh.

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Sheldon: Boy, it's a good thing we did this trial run.
Dr. John Sturgis: No kidding.

Quote from Mary

Sheldon: I changed my mind. I don't want to leave here ever.
Mary: You never have to.

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Dr. John Sturgis: I may actually have had a concussion.
Meemaw: What are your symptoms?
Dr. John Sturgis: It feels like there's hair on my head.

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