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38Quotes from ‘An Academic Crime and a More Romantic Taco Bell’

: An Academic Crime and a More Romantic Taco Bell

317. An Academic Crime and a More Romantic Taco Bell

Aired March 5, 2020

After Sheldon helps Dr. Sturgis with a scientific theory, he's upset when he doesn't receive a credit on John's paper. Meanwhile, Mary tries to find a "girl trophy" for Missy's baseball team ceremony, and George runs into Veronica on his date with Jana.

Quote from George Jr.

George Jr.: I bet the guy who invented the spork is a millionaire.
Jana: I guess.
George Jr.: I wonder if his last name is Spork.
Jana: It comes from "spoon" and "fork." Spork.
George Jr.: Oh, my God. Mind is blown.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Darn it. When he called me a baby, I should've said, "Then I guess you needed a baby's help to fix your paper."
Meemaw: Very clever.
Sheldon: Turn the car around.
Meemaw: We're halfway home. It's not that clever.

Quote from Sheldon

Dr. John Sturgis: Well, our conversation about my paper resulted in a very productive couple of days. I completely rewrote the whole thing from scratch.
Sheldon: Exciting. I know credits are usually listed alphabetically, but I'm completely fine with my name going second.
Dr. John Sturgis: Sheldon, I've worked on this paper for years. I'm not putting your name on it at all.
Sheldon: But I helped you.
Dr. John Sturgis: You did, but you didn't cowrite the paper with me.
Sheldon: Is that so?
Dr. John Sturgis: Yes, it is.
Sheldon: Well, this is an outrage. After all the help I've given you, and I don't even get credit?
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, of course you are. You're getting a special thanks in the footnotes.
Sheldon: No one reads the footnotes.
Dr. John Sturgis: I do.
Sheldon: Well, I do, too, but that doesn't mean I want to be in them.
Dr. John Sturgis: Sheldon, that's where people get recognition for helping.
Sheldon: Oh, you mean the help of using my math to convert your hazy series of meanderings into a well-formed scientific thesis?
Dr. John Sturgis: I think you're overstating your contribution.
Sheldon: Well, I think you should be wearing a black ski mask because you're trying to rob me blind.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, if anyone should be wearing an odd piece of apparel, it should be you wearing a baby bonnet, because that's how you're behaving.
Sheldon: [gasps]
Meemaw: Ready to go?
Sheldon: Very! It's a good thing she showed up, because I do not have a comeback.

Quote from Meemaw

Sheldon: Okay, here's the plan. End your relationship with Coach Ballard, date Dr. Sturgis again, get him to love you more than ever, then when he least expects it, break his heart and say, "That's for Sheldon."
Meemaw: Great plan.
Sheldon: You think so?
Meemaw: For the sake of this car ride, sure.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: [v.o.] Of all my many skills, one of the lesser known is my impressive ability to wait for things. I once stood perfectly still for 38 minutes because a bee was on my shoulder.
Sheldon: [blows, groans]
Adult Sheldon: I once waited four and a half hours to be released from a locker.
Sheldon: Hello? Anyone there? That's okay. I'll wait.
Adult Sheldon: And one time, when Dr. Sturgis was late for a lecture, I stayed longer than everyone.
Sheldon: Where are you all going?
Student: Professor's not here.
Sheldon: I can teach the class. I just need a box to stand on.

Quote from Dr. Linkletter

Dr. Linkletter: [answers phone] Grant Linkletter.
Sheldon: Dr. Linkletter, Sheldon Cooper. I need your help reporting an academic crime.
Dr. Linkletter: Sounds serious.
Sheldon: It is. That's why I'm using my serious voice.
Dr. Linkletter: Then I'll use mine as well. [deeper] What's going on?

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Dr. John Sturgis: [answers phone] Hello?
Sheldon: Dr. Sturgis. It's Sheldon. I hope I'm not interrupting anything.
Dr. John Sturgis: Nah, just wondering what became of my career.
Sheldon: Oh. Should I call you back later?
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, no. I can be downtrodden and chat at the same time. What's up?

Quote from Dr. Linkletter

Sheldon: [on the phone] Dr. Sturgis has stolen my work and is using it in his own paper.
Dr. Linkletter: Well, that's quite the allegation.
Sheldon: It's not an allegation; it's a fact. He was getting enormous masses for his neutrinos, and I showed him how to fix it, but now he's refusing to list me as a coauthor.
Dr. Linkletter: Well, I think he has a point.
Sheldon: Is the "he" in that sentence me? Because that is a strange way to phrase it.
Dr. Linkletter: No, the "he" is him. I don't play games with sentence structure.

Quote from George Jr.

Jana: So you're saying you have no feelings for her at all?
George Jr.: I wasn't at the restaurant with her, I was there with you.
Jana: That doesn't answer my question!
George Jr.: I was hoping you wouldn't pick up on that.
Jana: Did you take me there on purpose?
George Jr.: Hold on a second. Is this one of those fights where we end up making out in the back seat?
Jana: No.
George Jr.: That's too bad.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: I guess I need to call and let him know what a bonehead mistake he made.
George Sr.: There's probably a nicer way to say it.
Sheldon: Did you hear how massive his neutrinos were? We're well into bonehead territory.
George Sr.: Sheldon, you don't need to be rude to him.
Sheldon: When am I rude?
[flashback to Sheldon watching a Missy combs the hair of her Cabbage Patch Doll:]
Sheldon: Stay a child as long as you can. Adulthood will not be kind to you.
[flashback to Sheldon looking at Meemaw's leg:]
Sheldon: Neat. The veins on your calf look like a road map of Texas.
[flashback to Sheldon at dinner time:]
Sheldon: Did you make this taste bad so Dad would lose weight?
[present:]
Sheldon: Fine. I'll be polite. But I still think we could go to San Antonio using Meemaw's leg.

Quote from George Sr.

Sheldon: I'm glad Dr. Sturgis let me read his paper before he published.
George Sr.: Why is that?
Sheldon: He's getting numbers for the massive neutrinos that are in excess of a hundred giga-electron volts.
George Sr.: Well, good for him.
Sheldon: No, it's embarrassing.
George Sr.: Had a 50-50 shot.

Quote from George Jr.

Jana: This is nice.
George Jr.: I like to think of Chi-Chi's as a more romantic Taco Bell.

Quote from Missy

Mary: I was gonna give this to you at the end of the season party, but I was so excited that I wanted you to see it now. Mm.
Missy: What the hell is that?
Mary: I couldn't find any girl baseball trophies, so I made you one.
Missy: Why is her head so big?
Mary: It's a Barbie head. I had to improvise.
Missy: You chopped the head off one of my Barbies?
Mary: Don't be silly. I bought a new one.
Missy: I could've had a new Barbie?

Quote from Missy

Mary: I am running over to the Sparks's for a little while.
Missy: Why?
Mary: Team meeting with the other baseball moms. You're all right until Dad gets home?
Missy: Oh, yeah. Charles is in charge.
Charles: [on TV] Look at this. I'm talking to an egg.

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Dr. John Sturgis: I'm exploring the notion that time itself is quantized.
Sheldon: Interesting. That sounds like a step towards a unified field theory.
Dr. John Sturgis: Fingers crossed. Although I can't cross my fingers... arthritis. [laughs]

Quote from Jana

Jana: You know what you should do? Cut your hair.
George Jr.: What?
Jana: I think it'd look better. Ooh, maybe a little beard like George Michael. I wonder how tall he is. I bet he's tall.

Quote from Sheldon

Dr. Linkletter: [on the phone] Look, I haven't done a forensic examination of this paper, but it's not uncommon to show your work to a colleague to get their feedback.
Sheldon: But I fixed his paper.
Dr. Linkletter: This kind of accusation could have real consequences. I'd consider my next steps very carefully.
Sheldon: You're no help. Put me through to your supervisor.
Dr. Linkletter: Please let me speak to John before you take this any further.
Sheldon: All right, but if he calls me a baby, feel free to say, "Then I guess you needed a baby to fix your paper."
Dr. Linkletter: That's a good one, but I'm not gonna say it.

Quote from Mary

Mary: The point is you deserve to be recognized appropriately for everything you've accomplished.
Missy: You can't give that to me in front of all the boys.
Mary: Why?
Missy: It's embarrassing.
Mary: Well, we have plenty of time. I can make the head smaller or the body bigger or a little bit of both.

Quote from Missy

Missy: I just want the same trophy everyone else gets.
Mary: But I want you to feel special.
Missy: And I just want to feel regular.
Mary: Okay. [sighs] Well... I'll make sure you get a regular one at the party.
Missy: Thank you. Mom, wait. I get what you were trying to do. It's nice.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: I knew all that God talk was covering something really evil.
Mary: I am trying to make a special trophy for Missy. So I'm gonna take this head and put it on that body.
Meemaw: Whatever you say, Dr. Frankenstein.
Mary: My daughter deserves to have a trophy that looks something like her.
Meemaw: So this is kind of a feminist gesture on your part.
Mary: I prefer to think of it as a maternal gesture.
Meemaw: Let's just split the difference and call it the stuff of nightmares.
Mary: It'll look better when I paint it.
Meemaw: I don't think so.

Quote from Missy

Missy: Can I keep that one, too?
Mary: You really want it?
Missy: I do.
Adult Sheldon: [v.o.] Despite her many flaws, my sister did have a soft spot in her heart. And a fondness for blowing things up.
Mary: What was that?!

Quote from Mary

Mary: Hello. Remember me?
Ralph: Ah, I thought you were gonna take your business elsewhere.
Mary: Well, lucky for you, I believe in second chances. Now, I know that you don't have girl baseball trophies in stock, but could you have one made special?
Ralph: Sure.
Mary: Great.
Ralph: A custom mold is 50 bucks, and it takes six weeks.
Mary: I'm not paying you $50 for a trophy. And I don't have six weeks.
Ralph: Well, does your daughter look like a horse? Maybe she'd like this.

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Sheldon: [answers phone] Hello?
Dr. John Sturgis: How dare you accuse me of plagiarism? And to my colleague, no less. This is my reputation you're jeopardizing.
Sheldon: Well, give me the credit I deserve and I'll stop.
Dr. John Sturgis: We've been over this. You made a helpful suggestion and then you arrogantly assumed that it entitled you to a coauthor credit, which it doesn't.
Sheldon: But I was the one who...
Dr. John Sturgis: I've been your friend and mentor. The idea that I would steal from you is both personally and professionally insulting.
Sheldon: Well, I'm sorry you feel that way, but...
Dr. John Sturgis: Sheldon, I don't want to see you in my class anymore. [line clicks, dial tone]

Quote from Mary

Mary: Look, the only girl trophies are for cheerleading, soccer and golf.
George Sr.: So buy Missy a golf trophy and tell her it's a skinny bat.
Mary: George. That poor girl has been watching her brother win awards since he was three years old. I'd like for her first one to be special.
George Sr.: 'Cause you think it may also be her last one?
Mary: I didn't say that.
George Sr.: But you thought it.
Mary: [sighs] Yeah.

Quote from Meemaw

Sheldon: Why aren't you being more supportive of me?
Meemaw: Sheldon, John is a lot of things, but he's not a thief.
Sheldon: So you're on his side.
Meemaw: I'm not.
Sheldon: So you're on my side.
Meemaw: For the sake of this car ride, sure.

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Dr. John Sturgis: I'd like to end today's lecture with a hilarious physics joke. Why didn't the photon pack a suitcase? He was traveling light. [Sheldon raises his hand] Sheldon?
Sheldon: Ha, ha.
Dr. John Sturgis: Thank you. Class dismissed.

Quote from George Jr.

George Jr.: Hey. Here you go.
Veronica: What's this?
George Jr.: It's your tip from the other night. I wanted to give it to you then, but I also wanted to get out of there alive.
Veronica: Don't worry about it.
George Jr.: You sure?
Veronica: I'm sure.
George Jr.: So how long you been working there?
Veronica: Couple weeks. Trying to save money for college.
George Jr.: Well, now you have to take this. I insist.
Veronica: [laughs] Thank you. How are things with Jana?
George Jr.: Honestly, I have no idea.
Veronica: Should you even be talking to me right now?
George Jr.: Probably not. But I'm glad I am.

Quote from George Sr.

Mary: Can you believe this? Boy trophy, boy trophy... boy trophy.
George Sr.: Hmm, all I see is my trophy wife. Nope? Okay.

Quote from Dr. John Sturgis

Sheldon: I was thinking about the mass problem of your neutrinos, and I realized we might be able to solve it if some of the particles have more spin.
Dr. John Sturgis: Interesting. That would certainly get our neutrino mass to zero. Although it does open up a problem with double beta decay.
Sheldon: Hmm. That is true. Unless what it's actually predicting is a magnetic monopole.
Dr. John Sturgis: Might be difficult to control the infinities. Although, if you consider adding faster-than-light particles like tachyons, then I suppose you could...
Sheldon: Quantize time.
Dr. John Sturgis: Yes! Hang on! If we're gonna be thinking at this level, I should put on pants!

Quote from Mary

Mary: I noticed that there are no baseball trophies with girls on them.
Ralph: Girls don't play baseball.
Mary: Actually, my daughter does.
Ralph: Oh. Good for her.
Mary: And some of the girls might like a trophy with a girl on it.
Ralph: Well, then they'll be very disappointed.
Mary: You know what? I'm gonna take my business elsewhere.
Ralph: Oh, no.
Mary: And you should win a trophy for being such a sourpuss!

Quote from Mary

Mary: Morning. I need to order some baseball trophies.
Ralph: Baseball's over there.
Mary: So many choices.
Ralph: Mm-hmm.
Mary: You should win a trophy for the most trophies.
Ralph: Mm. [clears throat]
Mary: [quietly] Maybe not the trophy for customer service.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: [on the phone] Anyway, I was just calling to let you know I read your paper.
Dr. John Sturgis: Wonderful. What did you think?
Sheldon: I thought your typing was very tidy. Your sentence structure was impressive. And your theory was... not without succeeding in avoiding success.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, Sheldon, uh, you don't need to beat around the bush. We're men of science. Uh, just give it to me straight.
Sheldon: The masses for your neutrinos are impossible.
Dr. John Sturgis: Are you sure?
Sheldon: Yes. If they were that heavy, atoms could not beta decay.
Dr. John Sturgis: I don't know how I missed that. I'm such an idiot.
Sheldon: You're not an idiot. You're just a bonehead.

Quote from Jana

Dr. John Sturgis: [answers phone] Hello?
Sheldon: Dr. Sturgis. It's Sheldon. I hope you're well.
Dr. John Sturgis: I am. I just had soup.

Quote from Mary

Brenda Sparks: All right, let's get to this. We're coming up on the end of the season. Who wants to handle the team cookout?
Meredith: Got it.
Brenda Sparks: Thank you, Meredith. Team picture day?
Carla: That's me.
Brenda Sparks: Carla, you're a gem. Mary, that leaves you in charge of trophies. Any questions?
Mary: Actually...
Brenda Sparks: Snack time! [uncorks wine]
Mary: There's also, uh, veggies.

Quote from Mary

Mary: I brought veggies and ranch.
Brenda Sparks: That's nice. But when I said "snacks," I mean wine.
Mary: Oh.
Brenda Sparks: Don't worry. I got plenty of emergency snacks.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Ooh. He's opening with a critical examination of the Copenhagen interpretation of quantum mechanics.
Meemaw: I thought reading in the car made you nauseous.
Sheldon: That's in the back seat. Up here I'm fine. [retches]
Meemaw: Oh, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Sorry.
Meemaw: Well, don't just keep reading!
Sheldon: [retches]

Quote from Meemaw

Sheldon: It's too dark back here. Do you have a flashlight?
Meemaw: In the glove box, I think.
Sheldon: Can you pass it back?
Meemaw: No. I'm driving.
Sheldon: All right. I'm coming up. [seat belt clicks] Don't crash while I'm unbuckled.
Meemaw: Really? You need to do this right now?
Sheldon: It's Dr. Sturgis's first paper in years. It's worth risking head trauma. [grunts]
Meemaw: Look at you climbing like a real boy.
Sheldon: Here we go. "A Reconsideration of the Role of Time Operators in Quantum Mechanics." Grabby title.
Meemaw: Mm. I'll wait for the movie.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Dr. Sturgis?
Dr. John Sturgis: Hello, Sheldon. What brings you here?
Sheldon: You never showed up to class.
Dr. John Sturgis: Whoops. Time flies when you're having fun.
Sheldon: What could be more fun than giving a physics lecture?
Dr. John Sturgis: Finishing a physics paper.
Sheldon: Ooh, I like where this is headed.

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