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45Quotes from ‘Albert Einstein and the Story of Another Mary’

Albert Einstein and the Story of Another Mary

217. Albert Einstein and the Story of Another Mary

Aired March 7, 2019

Sheldon takes inspiration from the rock star he admires the most, Albert Einstein, and decides to learn to play the violin. Meanwhile, Mary seeks guidance when she thinks she may be pregnant.

Quote from Sheldon

Rabbi Schneiderman: Can I ask how your parents feel about this?
Sheldon: Well, when I presented them with my plan, the words "over my dead body" were used.
Rabbi Schneiderman: [chuckles] I'm not surprised.
Sheldon: But they were similarly resistant when I wanted to get an ant farm and eventually they came around.
Rabbi Schneiderman: All right, here's what I'm gonna tell you to do. Read your Bible.
Sheldon: Already did, cover to cover.
Rabbi Schneiderman: Really?
Sheldon: Quiz me.
Rabbi Schneiderman: No, that's okay, I believe you. All right, my advice to you is to stay with the faith of your parents.
Sheldon: What else you got?
Rabbi Schneiderman: Okay. Then I'm gonna tell you to be your own man.
Sheldon: But I want to be a great scientist like Albert Einstein.
Rabbi Schneiderman: Sheldon, when your days are over, God will never ask you, "Why weren't you Einstein?" But he might ask you, "Why weren't you Sheldon?"

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: Are you sure?
Mary: Yes. I'm late.
Meemaw: How late?
Mary: Two days.
Meemaw: Oh, two days. That's nothing.
Mary: Last time I was two days late, I had the twins.
Meemaw: Last time I was two days late, I had menopause. [chuckles] Just trying to lighten the mood.

Quote from Mary

Meemaw: I think you might be getting way ahead of yourself.
Mary: I'm telling you, I just know.
Meemaw: You were also convinced that Georgie was gonna be a girl.
Mary: That's true. Although he does have very pretty hair.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Hello.
Ms. Fenley: Hi, Sheldon.
Sheldon: I'd like to learn to play the violin.
Ms. Fenley: Really? Well, that's terrific. Do you have any experience with stringed instruments?
Sheldon: Stringed instruments, no. String theory, yes. That was a joke. I'm a joker.

Quote from Missy

George Jr.: What's going on?
Sheldon: [mumbles:] I'm learning to play the violin.
Missy: It's my new favorite show.

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: What the hell is that?
Mary: Sheldon's learning to play the violin.
George Sr.: Oh. Well, that's unfortunate.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Sorry I'm late. Shalom.

Quote from Sheldon

Rabbi Schneiderman: Hello, this is Rabbi Schneiderman. To whom am I speaking?
Sheldon: Hello, this is Sheldon Cooper.
Rabbi Schneiderman: Hello, Sheldon. Um, how can I help you?
Sheldon: I'm currently a Baptist and I'd like to convert to Judaism.
Rabbi Schneiderman: A Baptist named Sheldon. Okay. And why do you want to convert?
Sheldon: Very simple. It's my intention to become a great scientist and I couldn't help but notice most of the great scientists are Jewish, so logic dictates it's time to switch teams.
Rabbi Schneiderman: Well, I'm sure there are many Baptist scientists you could emulate.
Sheldon: That's kind of you to say, but other than Cornelius Drebbel in the 1500s, it's pretty slim pickings.
Rabbi Schneiderman: Well, Sheldon, you sound like a very smart young man.
Sheldon: Oh, you have no idea.

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: What's going on? You all right?
Mary: I'm not feeling great.
George Sr.: Is it a pregnant thing? 'Cause I got some good news on that. I got a decent raise.
Mary: It doesn't matter.
George Sr.: What do you mean it doesn't matter? We can pull this off now.
Mary: I lost the baby.
George Sr.: Oh.
Mary: You're probably relieved, huh?
George Sr.: Actually no. I love the first three. Fourth one's a charm, right?

Quote from Principal Petersen

George Sr.: Hey, Tom, you got a minute?
Principal Petersen: Pretty busy. Make it quick.
George Sr.: It turns out I don't need that raise.
Principal Petersen: What happened, you win the lottery?
George Sr.: No, no.
Principal Petersen: Aw, George, I am so sorry.
George Sr.: Well, what can you do?
Principal Petersen: Listen, I cleared your raise already, why don't you just keep the money.
George Sr.: Oh, no, I couldn't do that.
Principal Petersen: No. No, I mean it. It's yours.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Thank you, but I will no longer be needing these.
Ms. Fenley: You're giving up so soon? What happened? Did it hurt your fingers?
Sheldon: No. I'm following the advice of a very wise Rabbi Schneiderman from Temple Judea in Houston.
Ms. Fenley: Is this another one of your jokes?
Sheldon: No. If it were a joke, your mouth would be open and the sound "ha-ha" would be coming out.

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: What do y'all want for lunch?
Sheldon: Peanut butter and jelly, please.
George Sr.: Great. Missy?
Missy: Tuna salad on rye toast, with sliced pickles and-
George Sr.: Two PBJs, got it.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: What is going on?
Mary: Well-
Meemaw: Well, what?
Mary: I'm trying to say it.
Meemaw: You woke me up. Spill it or I'm going back to bed.
Mary: I'm pregnant.
Meemaw: I'm awake now.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: So do you have reason to think that you might be?
Mary: Well, we try to be safe, but you know, heat of the moment.
Meemaw: Still? After three kids and that beer belly hanging over his pants?
Mary: Mom?

Quote from Sheldon

Ms. Fenley: But I have to warn you, it can be a frustrating instrument to learn.
Sheldon: Can you play it?
Ms. Fenley: Yes.
Sheldon: I'll be fine.

Quote from Mary

Mary: I don't see them.
Meemaw: Excuse me. Where do you keep your pregnancy tests?
Mary: Mom.
Mary Sue: Behind the counter at the pharmacy.
Meemaw: Thank you.
Mary: Would you please be a little more discreet?
Meemaw: She doesn't know it's for you.
Mary: Well, it sure isn't for you.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: Uh, I need a pregnancy test.
Nelson: Sure. We have a few options.
Brenda Sparks: Hey, Connie.
Meemaw: Oh, hey, Brenda. [to Nelson] Oh, you-you pick.
Brenda Sparks: Is that a pregnancy test?
Meemaw: Uh, yeah. [quietly:] It's for me.
Brenda Sparks: Really?
Meemaw: Yes. I come from a long line of really fertile women. My mother had me when she was 57. Can you believe it?
Brenda Sparks: I don't think I can.

Quote from Billy Sparks

Billy Sparks: Hi, Mrs. Cooper!
Mary: [whispers:] Hi, Billy.
Billy Sparks: Are you playing hide-and-seek?
Mary: Um, yeah. Don't tell anybody. Shh.
Billy Sparks: Bye, Mrs. Cooper!

Quote from Missy

Missy: What are you doing?
Sheldon: What does it look like?
Missy: Like you're looking for another excuse for kids to pick on you.

Quote from Missy

Sheldon: What are you doing?
Missy: I was gonna watch DuckTales, but this looks funnier.

Quote from Pastor Jeff

Mary: Actually, um, I could use some guidance. I got some news today, and I'm not quite sure how I feel about it.
Pastor Jeff: Of course. Sit.
Mary: Well, I am, um, with child.
Pastor Jeff: That's wonderful! Congratulations! How far along are you?
Mary: Uh, could you keep it down just a little? I haven't exactly told George yet.
Pastor Jeff: Got it. And why not? It is his, right?
Mary: Of course.
Pastor Jeff: Apologies. Hey, I'm a pastor in a small town. You wouldn't believe the juicy things I hear.

Quote from Pastor Jeff

Mary: This just wasn't part of our plan.
Pastor Jeff: Well, luckily it's part of God's plan. And let me tell you about another Mary who didn't know how to tell her husband she was expecting. And her story is way weirder than yours.

Quote from George Sr.

Sheldon: Hey, Dad. Can you believe I only started playing today?
George Sr.: I really can.

Quote from Mary

Missy: What's on your head?
Sheldon: A yarmulke.
George Jr.: A yama-what?
Sheldon: It's a special Jewish hat. It reminds the wearer that God is always over you.
Meemaw: [laughs]
Mary: Mom.
Meemaw: Oh, come on, it's funny.
Mary: It's not funny and it's not a yarmulke. It is a coaster I crocheted at Bible camp.

Quote from Meemaw

Mary: Let's just say grace.
Sheldon: Hold on. Are these hot dogs kosher?
Meemaw: [laughs, snorts]

Quote from Herschel Sparks

Herschel Sparks: Hey, George.
George Sr.: Hey, Herschel. Let me guess, you're here to complain about Sheldon's violin playing.
Herschel Sparks: Under normal circumstances, I'd say yeah, but since he started, my chickens been dropping eggs like crazy.
George Sr.: That's weird.

Quote from Herschel Sparks

Herschel Sparks: Hey, I got to ask, did that fiddle playing increase the fertility in all the females around here or just my chickens?

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: [knocking] Dad? [knocking] SHELDON: Mom?
Mary: Yeah, Shelly?
Sheldon: I just thought you should know I'm not going to be Jewish. I'm going to remain the atheist Baptist you've come to love.
Mary: Good to hear.
Sheldon: Are you crying?
Mary: [sighs] Yeah, but don't worry, everything's okay.
Sheldon: Good.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: Once again, I brought my mother so much joy she was moved to tears. I don't know how I do it.

Quote from George Jr.

Adult Sheldon: It's typical for young people to admire rock stars. For my sister, it was Cyndi Lauper. For my brother, it was Bon Jovi.
George Jr.: Well, Jon, we look good.

Quote from Missy

Sheldon: Did you know Einstein loved playing the violin?
Missy: So?
Sheldon: He believed music helped him formulate his theories.
Missy: So?
Sheldon: Einstein was arguably the greatest scientific mind of the 20th century. If music helped him, maybe it could help me.
Missy: So?

Quote from George Sr.

Mary: I got to go talk to my mom.
George Sr.: Everything okay?
Mary: Yeah, she's just got some problems she's dealing with. Kind of personal. Will you make the kids lunch?
George Sr.: Ah, do I have to?
Mary: George?
George Sr.: Happy to.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: Dr. Sturgis and I have been dating for some time and we really try to be careful, but you know how it is. Heat of the moment.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: When is my first lesson?
Ms. Fenley: I'm pretty busy right now. But I can give you this in the meantime.
Sheldon: "Anyone Can Play Violin." They don't set the bar very high.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: You know what you need to do?
Mary: Yes.
Meemaw: How's it going?
Mary: It'd be a lot easier to pee if you'd stop talking.
Meemaw: Sorry.
Mary: Now it's too quiet. Say something.
Meemaw: I know you didn't expect this, and you still might not be, but but if it turns out you are I'm here for you.

Quote from Mary

Mary: If I'm pregnant, George is gonna flip out.
Meemaw: I'm sure he would at first. Then he would calm down. Take a few beers. Maybe some malt liquor.
Mary: I suppose. [sighs] The truth is, he and I were both freaked out about having twins. But now I can't imagine life without them.
Meemaw: Well, see, there you are. So, no matter what that test says, you're gonna be okay.
Mary: You're right.
Meemaw: What's it say?
Mary: [sighs] I'm gonna go buy that malt liquor.

Quote from Peg

Peg: - What's that about?
Mary: Oh, just trying not to breathe the smoke in.
Peg: [chuckles] Come on. It already went through the filter and my lungs. This stuff is squeaky clean. [coughs]
Mary: Well, still.
Peg: He's all yours, your highness.

Quote from Pastor Jeff

Pastor Jeff: Hey, Mare, what's up? Other than the big guy. [laughs] God joke.

Quote from George Jr.

Sheldon: Did you hear that? I did it!
George Jr.: I don't think you did.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: And now we see how it helps my science. Hmm. Hmm [groans] Come on, think. Probably needs more "Twinkle, Twinkle."

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: I figured out why the violin worked for Einstein and not for me. I need to become a Jewish person.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: Over the next few days, I continued to play the violin in an effort to replicate the mental prowess of Einstein. I was asked to confine my practice to the garage by my father, mother, sister and brother. Meemaw was fine with me practicing in the house, but why would she care? She doesn't live with us.

Quote from Herschel Sparks

Herschel Sparks: Hey, uh, I hear congratulations are in order.
George Sr.: What's that you hear?
Herschel Sparks: Maybe I didn't hear it.
George Sr.: Never mind. It's all right. Seems like everybody knows.
Herschel Sparks: You don't seem terribly enthusiastic.
George Sr.: [sighs] It's the money, Herschel. It's all about the money.
Herschel Sparks: [sighs] Well, there's only one solution to that.
George Sr.: Which is?
Herschel Sparks: You got to make more money.
George Sr.: Thank you.
Herschel Sparks: Welcome.

Quote from George Sr.

Principal Petersen: All right, George, what's so damn important?
George Sr.: Well I don't want to get into the why's and wherefore's, but I'm gonna need a raise.
Principal Petersen: Is this 'cause Mary's pregnant?
George Sr.: You got to be kidding me. Does everybody in this damn town know my business?
Principal Petersen: I just it was taking a guess.
George Sr.: Tom.
Principal Petersen: My wife told me.
George Sr.: Doesn't matter. What do you say?
Principal Petersen: Are you threatening to quit if you don't get it?
George Sr.: No, Tom, I'm threatening to rob a bank.
Principal Petersen: Okay. All right, well, let's not do that. $100 a week do the trick?
George Sr.: Yes. Thanks. Bye.

Quote from Sheldon

Receptionist: Temple Judea, how can I help you?
Sheldon: Hello, I'd like to become Jewish. Who would be in charge of that?
Receptionist: How old are you?
Sheldon: I'm ten.
Receptionist: Please hold. ["HAVA NAGILA" HOLD MUSIC PLAYS]

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