George: What's going on? You all right?
Mary: I'm not feeling great.
George: Is it a pregnant thing? 'Cause I got some good news on that. I got a decent raise.
Mary: It doesn't matter.
George: What do you mean it doesn't matter? We can pull this off now.
Mary: I lost the baby.
George: Oh.
Mary: You're probably relieved, huh?
George: Actually no. I love the first three. Fourth one's a charm, right?

Rabbi Schneiderman: Can I ask how your parents feel about this?
Sheldon: Well, when I presented them with my plan, the words "over my dead body" were used.
Rabbi Schneiderman: [chuckles] I'm not surprised.
Sheldon: But they were similarly resistant when I wanted to get an ant farm and eventually they came around.
Rabbi Schneiderman: All right, here's what I'm gonna tell you to do. Read your Bible.
Sheldon: Already did, cover to cover.
Rabbi Schneiderman: Really?
Sheldon: Quiz me.
Rabbi Schneiderman: No, that's okay, I believe you. All right, my advice to you is to stay with the faith of your parents.
Sheldon: What else you got?
Rabbi Schneiderman: Okay. Then I'm gonna tell you to be your own man.
Sheldon: But I want to be a great scientist like Albert Einstein.
Rabbi Schneiderman: Sheldon, when your days are over, God will never ask you, "Why weren't you Einstein?" But he might ask you, "Why weren't you Sheldon?"

Sheldon: Hello.
Ms. Fenley: Hi, Sheldon.
Sheldon: I'd like to learn to play the violin.
Ms. Fenley: Really? Well, that's terrific. Do you have any experience with stringed instruments?
Sheldon: Stringed instruments, no. String theory, yes. That was a joke. I'm a joker.

Billy Sparks: Hi, Mrs. Cooper!
Mary: [whispers:] Hi, Billy.
Billy Sparks: Are you playing hide-and-seek?
Mary: Um, yeah. Don't tell anybody. Shh.
Billy Sparks: Bye, Mrs. Cooper!

George: What the hell is that?
Mary: Sheldon's learning to play the violin.
George: Oh. Well, that's unfortunate.

Sheldon: Sorry I'm late. Shalom.

Rabbi Schneiderman: Hello, this is Rabbi Schneiderman. To whom am I speaking?
Sheldon: Hello, this is Sheldon Cooper.
Rabbi Schneiderman: Hello, Sheldon. Um, how can I help you?
Sheldon: I'm currently a Baptist and I'd like to convert to Judaism.
Rabbi Schneiderman: A Baptist named Sheldon. Okay. And why do you want to convert?
Sheldon: Very simple. It's my intention to become a great scientist and I couldn't help but notice most of the great scientists are Jewish, so logic dictates it's time to switch teams.
Rabbi Schneiderman: Well, I'm sure there are many Baptist scientists you could emulate.
Sheldon: That's kind of you to say, but other than Cornelius Drebbel in the 1500s, it's pretty slim pickings.
Rabbi Schneiderman: Well, Sheldon, you sound like a very smart young man.
Sheldon: Oh, you have no idea.

George: Hey, Tom, you got a minute?
Principal Petersen: Pretty busy. Make it quick.
George: It turns out I don't need that raise.
Principal Petersen: What happened, you win the lottery?
George: No, no.
Principal Petersen: Aw, George, I am so sorry.
George: Well, what can you do?
Principal Petersen: Listen, I cleared your raise already, why don't you just keep the money.
George: Oh, no, I couldn't do that.
Principal Petersen: No. No, I mean it. It's yours.

Sheldon: Thank you, but I will no longer be needing these.
Ms. Fenley: You're giving up so soon? What happened? Did it hurt your fingers?
Sheldon: No. I'm following the advice of a very wise Rabbi Schneiderman from Temple Judea in Houston.
Ms. Fenley: Is this another one of your jokes?
Sheldon: No. If it were a joke, your mouth would be open and the sound "ha-ha" would be coming out.

Meemaw: So do you have reason to think that you might be?
Mary: Well, we try to be safe, but you know, heat of the moment.
Meemaw: Still? After three kids and that beer belly hanging over his pants?
Mary: Mom?

Meemaw: Uh, I need a pregnancy test.
Nelson: Sure. We have a few options.
Brenda Sparks: Hey, Connie.
Meemaw: Oh, hey, Brenda. [to Nelson] Oh, you-you pick.
Brenda Sparks: Is that a pregnancy test?
Meemaw: Uh, yeah. [quietly:] It's for me.
Brenda Sparks: Really?
Meemaw: Yes. I come from a long line of really fertile women. My mother had me when she was 57. Can you believe it?
Brenda Sparks: I don't think I can.

Meemaw: Dr. Sturgis and I have been dating for some time and we really try to be careful, but you know how it is. Heat of the moment.

Pastor Jeff: Hey, Mare, what's up? Other than the big guy. [laughs] God joke.

Mary: Let's just say grace.
Sheldon: Hold on. Are these hot dogs kosher?[Meemaw laughs, snorts]

Meemaw: What is going on?
Mary: Well-
Meemaw: Well, what?
Mary: I'm trying to say it.
Meemaw: You woke me up. Spill it or I'm going back to bed.
Mary: I'm pregnant.
Meemaw: I'm awake now.