Adult Sheldon: And that's how I became the madcap prankster all my friends know and love.

Paige: You know, I read that adults who had a stunted childhood often become social misfits and weirdos.
Sheldon: You didn't read that, you're making it up like your goat story.
Paige: Psychology Magazine, February issue, 1988.
Sheldon: Well, um, that doesn't make it true.
Paige: Guess you'll find out when you're an adult.
Sheldon: I guess I will.
Adult Sheldon: Well, we know how this story ends. I grew up to become a well-adjusted and charming fellow. But at that moment in time, she had me worried.

Dr. John Sturgis: I don't think I can do this, Connie.
Meemaw: Of course you can. We're just getting started.
Dr. John Sturgis: No, it's too much information. I can't process it.
Meemaw: It was just a yellow light.
Dr. John Sturgis: Not just the light. There were other cars. There's pedestrians. There was a guy on a bicycle.
Meemaw: So?
Dr. John Sturgis: That's just too many random elements. The- The- The stimuli are overwhelming.

George Sr.: So, John, how was your first driving lesson?
Dr. John Sturgis: Intense. At one point, I was approaching an intersection. The light was green, but at the last moment, it turned yellow. I didn't know what to do. Should I keep going? Should I stop? There were other cars nearby. Connie was yelling. A glare from the sun was in my eyes.
Sheldon: So, what happened?
Dr. John Sturgis: Somehow, I managed to make it through, turned on my directional, and slowly pulled to the side of the road.
Sheldon: That's how you tell a scary story.

Mary: How do they feel?
Sheldon: My brand loyalty is being severely tested.

Sheldon: Excuse me, I was hoping to purchase some practical joke paraphernalia so that I may behave childishly.
Glenn: Rack in the corner.
Sheldon: Thank you. "If it's funny, it's a Bazinga." Interesting.

Missy: That was pathetic.
Sheldon: It was. I'm not sure I'm cut out for these antics and shenanigans.
Missy: I guess you're gonna grow up to be a weirdo.
Sheldon: I suppose I am. Life is so confusing. I always hoped it would be easier for me when I grew up, but now I'm not so sure it will.
Missy: It's gonna be all right. [LOUD FLATULENCE SOUND] You were faking?
Sheldon: Bazinga.

Sheldon: Hello, um, Meemaw, this is Sheldon. If you were home, I was going to say, "Is Mr. Wall there?" And then you would say, "No." And then I would say, "Is Mrs. Wall there?" And then you would say, "No." And then I would say, "Well, if there are no walls, then how does your roof stay up?" Um, okay. Bazinga.

George Jr.: All right, I'm just gonna come out and ask it: what the heck is a colleague?

Billy Sparks: Sparks residence, Billy speaking.
Sheldon: This is the electric company.
Billy Sparks: Hello.
Sheldon: I'm calling to see if your refrigerator is running.
Billy Sparks: I'll go check. ... I'm back. It's running.
Sheldon: Well, then you better go catch it. Bazinga.

Stan: All right, I don't have the Sperry loafers in your size, but I do have the Hush Puppies.
Sheldon: I don't wear brown Hush Puppies penny loafers, I wear brown Sperry penny loafers.
Stan: But they're exactly the same.
Sheldon: Well, do they come in a box that says Sperry penny loafers? Because that one says Hush Puppies.
Mary: Just try 'em on, honey.
Sheldon: What if I like them?
Mary: Well, then we'll get them.
Sheldon: All right, let's go over this again. I don't wear brown Hush Puppies penny loafers, I wear brown Sperry-
Mary: Would you give us a moment?
Stan: Happily.

Sheldon: Well, I for one plan to do something about it.
Tam: Like what?
Sheldon: I'm going to goof off, engage in horseplay, and if time permits, be quite immature.
Tam: If time permits?
Sheldon: I have homework, too.

Sheldon: Would you like to join me in my shenanigans?
Tam: No, thanks.
Sheldon: Aren't you concerned about being a maladjusted adult?
Tam: Nah. I'll just marry an American woman and hope she can fix me.

Sheldon: Oh, dear.
Tam: What?
Sheldon: Paige was right. "There's ample evidence to indicate that a stunted childhood can cause one to be maladjusted as an adult."
Tam: Then I'm screwed.
Sheldon: What do you mean?
Tam: When I'm not in school, I'm doing homework. When I'm not doing homework, I'm practicing my cello. And when I'm not doing that, I'm working in my parents' store.
Sheldon: That must be why we're friends. We're both stunted.
Tam: Sounds right.

George Jr.: I thought Paige was your friend.
Sheldon: She's more of a colleague.
George Jr.: Oh.
Sheldon: Although for reasons unknown, she's currently behaving like a ten-year-old.
Mary: Maybe that's because she is a ten-year-old.
Sheldon: Still no excuse.

George Sr.: What, the girls leave you out of their little picnic?
Mary: Oh, they invited him.
George Sr.: Well, then why ain't you out there?
Sheldon: Eat outdoors? Do I look like a hippie to you?

Sheldon: Georgie? Georgie?
George Jr.: What?
Sheldon: Would you like some salted mixed nuts?
George Jr.: Nah.
Sheldon: Look, they're the fancy kind.
George Jr.: That's a trick can.
Sheldon: No, it's not. Listen. When you shake it, there's a rattling sound, as if nuts are inside.
George Jr.: Fine. [George opens the can]
Sheldon: [SCREAMS] Bazinga.

Missy: How about you stay at Meemaw's? You like that.
Meemaw: No, Meemaw has a date.
Missy: So?
Meemaw: So if those shoes I just bought do their job, that will be a "no children allowed" scenario.

Missy: Hey, Mom, can Paige sleep over this weekend?
Mary: I guess, if her mother says okay.
Sheldon: Wait, where is she going to sleep?
Missy: In your bed. You can sleep on the couch.
Sheldon: Absolutely not. I've already changed my brand of loafers, I am not changing my sleeping quarters.

Missy: Did you guys know Paige speaks three languages?
Meemaw: Really? That's impressive.
Missy: You only speak one.
Sheldon: Two. I'm learning conversational Klingon.

Linda: How are things?
Mary: Well, at the moment, trying to get shoes for Sheldon, but they only have these, not the ones he likes.
Linda: Ah. You know, I think that brand is the same kind Einstein wore.
Sheldon: Well, I've never seen a picture of his feet. And you're a grown-up, so you wouldn't lie to me. I guess I have no choice but to believe you. All right, I'll try them.
Mary: Great! [mouths to Linda] Thank you.

Meemaw: What do you think of these?
Mary: They're nice, but you're already taller than John. Won't they make that worse?
Meemaw: No, makes it better. He likes me to be dominating.
Mary: I don't want to hear that.
Meemaw: Sometimes he makes me wear these when we're messing around.
Mary: I said I don't want to hear it.
Meemaw: I wanted to say it.

Paige: Hi, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Hello.
Paige: What are you doing?
Sheldon: Chemistry homework for extra credit.
Paige: Cute, I did that last year.

Paige: Did you know that tea was discovered by accident?
Missy: I didn't, but I don't know lots of stuff.
Paige: The Emperor Shennong of China was boiling water in his garden and a leaf from a tea tree fell into his pot.
Missy: Tea comes from trees?
Paige: Where'd you think it comes from?
Missy: The supermarket.

Paige: That's when the bloodthirsty Goatman - part goat, part man - crept up on the sleeping children.
Missy: No.
Paige: And sank his sharp little teeth into their necks,
Missy: No.
Paige: And drank their blood!
Sheldon: No.
Paige: Problem?
Sheldon: Several. First of all, goats are herbivores. They don't eat meat, let alone drink blood.
Missy: Maybe the half man part drinks blood.
Sheldon: Don't even get me started on the "half man" stuff.

Dr. John Sturgis: So, I have a little surprise for you.
Meemaw: Oh, I love surprises. Whatcha got?
Dr. John Sturgis: I'm going to learn to drive.
Meemaw: Really?
Dr. John Sturgis: Yes. While I love having you be the dominant personality behind closed doors, I think out in public I ought to take on more of a macho role.
Meemaw: [LAUGHS] Well, you're macho enough for me, John, but I would enjoy not having to drive us all the time.
Dr. John Sturgis: Then it's settled.
Meemaw: Well, when do you start?
Dr. John Sturgis: As soon as you teach me.
Meemaw: Me? Do you really think that's a good idea?
Dr. John Sturgis: It's perfect. I teach you about science so you can impress your grandson, and you teach me to drive so I can impress you.
Meemaw: Okay, but if we do this, I'm in charge. You have to do what I say when and how I tell you to do it.
Dr. John Sturgis: Hubba-hubba, it's like we're back in the bedroom.

Sheldon: Mind if I join you?
Missy: Doing what?
Sheldon: Swinging.
Missy: Seriously?
Sheldon: Yes.
Missy: It's my hope to feel the wind in my hair and be carefree.
Missy: Um, okay. ... Sheldon threw up on me. Sheldon threw up on me!

George Sr.: You understand any of that?
Mary: I don't know, I guess he's just being a little boy.
George Sr.: Since when?

Dr. John Sturgis: I'm sorry. I know I'm letting you down.
Meemaw: Oh, don't be silly. You're not letting me down. [CHUCKLES] I love you whether you can drive or not.
Dr. John Sturgis: You love me?
Meemaw: Well, I- I suppose I do.
Dr. John Sturgis: [LAUGHS] Am I allowed to reciprocate?
Meemaw: Sure, if that's the way you feel.
Dr. John Sturgis: [LAUGHS] Oh, it is. I love you, too, Connie.
Meemaw: [CHUCKLING] Well... That's just great.
Dr. John Sturgis: All righty.
Meemaw: Would you like to switch seats with me?
Dr. John Sturgis: Yes, but give me a minute because my legs are a little wobbly.
Meemaw: Is that from the yellow light or the "I love yous"?
Dr. John Sturgis: Both.

Dr. John Sturgis: What?
Meemaw: [QUIETLY] How's it going?
Dr. John Sturgis: I can't tell you. There's no talking.
DMV Employee: No talking.
Dr. John Sturgis: Sorry.

Dr. John Sturgis: In lighter news, your meemaw loves me.

Dr. John Sturgis: I'm usually the one giving the tests, but, uh, today I'm taking one.
DMV Employee: No talking.
Dr. John Sturgis: And I usually say that to my students.

Missy: Fine, Paige and I can share my bed.
Mary: You okay with that, Shelly?
Sheldon: I trust you two will stay quiet throughout the evening and go to sleep at the appropriate time?
Missy: Absolutely.
Sheldon: All right, then. I'm okay with it, Mom.
Meemaw: How is he ever gonna get through this world?

Missy: When we get to the Hello Kitty store today, remember I was the good child.

Paige: Sheldon, do you want to have your fortune read?
Sheldon: Absolutely not. And I cannot believe a person as smart as you is doing it.
Paige: Why? It's fun.
Missy: He doesn't know how to have fun; he's an old man.
Sheldon: I'm not an old man.
Missy: Oh, yeah? What's your favorite color?
Sheldon: Khaki.
Missy: Old man.

Dr. John Sturgis: Okay, rearview mirrors. Um, all set. Turn signal left. Turn signal right. Um, foot on the brake. Transmission in drive.
Meemaw: You have to start the car first.
Dr. John Sturgis: Of course. Sorry, I'm a bit nervous.
Meemaw: You're not alone.

Paige: Okay, pick a number.
Missy: Three.
Paige: One, two, three. Now pick a color.
Missy: Pink, duh.
Paige: The name of your future pony is Sparkle Sunshine.
Missy: I would totally name it that!

Dr. John Sturgis: Thank you for agreeing to the early-bird dinner. When I eat too late, the food just sits right here.
Meemaw: Yeah, gettin' old is no party.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, I've had this problem since I was ten. When I was in grade school, my nickname was Old Burpy.
Meemaw: Well, I will not be calling you that.
Dr. John Sturgis: You can if you'd like.
Meemaw: I'm good.

Mary: Aw, they're so sweet.
Linda: Yeah, life'll suck that right out of them soon enough.

Mary: You look nice. Going out to dinner with your husband?
Linda: Ugh, no. Girlfriends.

Paige: Hey, Mom, can Missy and I go to the Hello Kitty store?
Linda: Well, it's okay with me if it's okay with Mary.
Mary: It's okay, but you better be on your best behavior.
Missy: I will, I promise.
Mary: Go ahead.
Missy: Boy, you steal one pencil sharpener and you never hear the end of it.

Missy: Look at these rain boots. They have ducks on them. And the ducks are wearing boots.
Paige: Those are so cute.

Sheldon: I'm trying to sleep.
Paige: Come inside and play with us.
Missy: Don't invite him. This is a girls fort, not an old man fort.
Sheldon: I'm not an old man.
Paige: Then come inside.
Sheldon: Are you crazy? It's bedtime.
Missy: Old man.

Sheldon: Dad, would you care for a piece of gum?
George Sr.: No, thank you.
Sheldon: Please, take a piece of gum.
George Sr.: Why?
Sheldon: Just please. Bazinga.

Missy: Hey, Georgie, breakfast. Mom made Eggos.
George Jr.: Eggos, sweet. [BODY THUDS] Ow! Dang it!
[PAIGE AND MISSY LAUGH]

Paige: Sheldon, it's just a fun scary story.
Sheldon: It's nonsense is what it is.
Missy: Old man.
Sheldon: I'm not an old man, I'm ten.
Missy: More like 110.

Sheldon: What are you doing?
Paige: We're tying Georgie's ankles together.
Missy: So when he gets out of bed he falls down.
Sheldon: But he could get hurt.
Missy: If we're lucky.
Sheldon: Well, I will not be a party to this.
Missy: Old man.