Sheldon: Regardless, I'm not interested in making any more friends.
Mary: Oh, I don't think that's how you really feel.
Sheldon: It is. From now on, it's a hermit's life for me.
Mary: I bet, when you grow up, you will be surrounded by lots of smart, wonderful friends.
Sheldon: I can't see that happening.

Sheldon: Mom, when should I be expecting my testicles?
Woman: [turns around] What is wrong with him?
Mary: Nothing is wrong with him. Now turn around before I knock your lights out.
Sheldon: Hello.

Mary: Oh, I know that you're hurting, and... I'm here for you, so... what do you need?
Meemaw: Great, take me drinking.
Mary: It is 3:30 in the afternoon.
Meemaw: Yes, it's called happy hour.
Mary: I have to make dinner.
Meemaw: Oh, fine. I'll just be sad and drunk by myself. Maybe I'll go home with the bartender.
Mary: Missy! I have to go out with your meemaw, but I'll be back later with KFC.

Mary: Sheldon Lee Cooper, if you don't finish that pork chop, I swear I will chew it up and spit it in your mouth like a mama bird.
Missy: Do it, Mom. Do it.

Mary: All right, Tam. I decided I was gonna make you a real Texas dinner. Barbecued chicken and brisket.
Tam: Thank you.
Mary: Well, I figured you were probably tired of stuff wiggling around on your plate.

Mary: In the name of Jesus, I place a hedge of protection around this house and my family. I command this storm to skip over our home in Jesus' name. I wish peace to every single person in this room and declare that not one of us will get hurt in this storm, in Jesus' name!

Mary: [sings] Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur. Happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr, purr, purr.
Sheldon: Sing it again, Mom.
Mary: First, blow your nose.
Sheldon: [blows nose]
Mary: [sings] Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur. Happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr, purr, purr.

Sheldon: My mother believes I'm mentally unstable. And since there's a genetic component and I'm her child, I suppose it's possible.
Mary: I know you're angry right now, but you will not be disrespectful.
Sheldon: You know, fits of rage are a classic sign of psychosis.
Mary: Oh, you haven't seen fits of rage yet!

Mary: Will someone please tell me what happened?
Georgie: Okay, me and Meemaw were in the bar at the track.
Mary: You took him to a bar?
Meemaw: He wasn't drinking.
Georgie: She had a few too many margaritas, so I drove us home.
Mary: But you don't have a license.
Georgie: That's why we swapped places after the cop pulled us over.
Mary: Oh, dear Lord.
George: I had nothing to do with this part.
Mary: Shut up.
George: Will do.

Meemaw: Smart.
Mary: Thank you.
Meemaw: You're good at lying. You should do it more often.
Mary: I like your earrings.

Mary: Hang on a sec. I see an engineering department, a physics department, computer lab. What I don't see is a church.
Mr. Jensen: Don't worry, we have a beautiful nondenominational chapel built in 1956.
Mary: Nondenominational?
Mr. Jensen: Everyone's welcome.
[Mary removes her MIT visor and looks at George, who glumly removes his MI.T. baseball cap]

Mary: All right, what do you know?
George: Well, they're probably gonna have to pay some fine, and-and they're gonna need cash.
Mary: My son is gonna be in jail overnight?
George: What about your mother?
Mary: Oh, she's been there before.

Pilot: [v.o.] Sorry for the delay. We hope to be wheels up in about 20 minutes.
Sheldon: That's what he said 20 minutes ago.
Mary: Nothing we can do.
Sheldon: If we don't take off soon, we'll miss our connecting flight to Houston.
Mary: It's out of our hands. I'd tell you whose hands it's in, but you don't like that.

Pastor Jeff: Mary, you understand these people are atheists.
Mary: I get it. They're not my people. You're my people.
Pastor Jeff: Then what's this all about?
Mary: My son just wanted a better sandwich. Why is this so hard for y'all to understand?!

Sheldon: Do you think Georgie got a tattoo in jail?
Mary: No.
Sheldon: Do you think Meemaw did?
Mary: Probably.

Mary: Okay, God, we need to talk. Are you testing me? Is this a test? Am I Mrs. Job? I try to be a good person, but... lately, it feels like you are smacking me down every chance you get. And I know that that might sound a little ungrateful right now, as I load my new dishwasher... That I love... But can't you pick on someone else for a while?

Sheldon: Mark my words, string theory is going to be the next big thing.
Mary: What does it do?
Sheldon: It explains the fundamental forces of the universe. How everything works, where everything came from.
Mary: I know where it all came from. [points to the heavens]
Sheldon: Mother, we're in the sky. Why are you pointing up?

[After a bout of turbulence, Mary clasps her hands together in prayer]
Sheldon: Oh, there's no reason to do that. It's just irregular motion of air around the plane caused by temperature changes. [more turbulence] Oh, that was a big one. And given our altitude, perfectly predictable. [cabin alert chimes]
Flight Attendant: [v.o.] The pilot has turned on the seatbelt sign. Please return to your seat.
Sheldon: A reasonable precaution. [checks seatbelt] Snug as a bug. [more turbulence]
Mary: Would you like me to include you in my prayers?
Sheldon: No, thanks, I don't need to seek help from an invisible man.
Mary: You're right, you've got your invisible strings.

Mary: Let's just eat.
Sheldon: Without praying?
Mary: [chuckles] How silly of me.
George: You all right?
Meemaw: Well, she's had a whole beer, so who knows.
Sheldon: Mother.
Mary: Can we just pray? [sighs] Bless us Lord for the food we are about to receive and bless the hands that prepared it. And forgive me for that beer. My mother made me do it. Amen.
Meemaw: Snitch.

Mary: We're hiring a youth pastor.
Sheldon: Why?
Mary: To help get young kids excited about God.
Missy: The same God who lets babies get thrown in rivers?
Mary: What?
Sheldon: We covered Moses in Sunday school.
Mary: Oh. Well, that was Old Testament God. He gets more fun later.