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35Quotes from ‘Potato Salad, a Broomstick, and Dad's Whiskey’

Potato Salad, a Broomstick, and Dad's Whiskey

114. Potato Salad, a Broomstick, and Dad's Whiskey

Aired March 1, 2018

After Mary takes a job at the local church, Sheldon and Missy spend their first afternoon home alone. On Mary's first day on the job she finds herself becoming a marriage counselor to Pastor Jeff.

Quote from Missy

Missy: What's your homework?
Sheldon: Non-Euclidean geometry. How about you?
Missy: "Symonyms".
Sheldon: You mean synonyms?
Missy: I'm pretty sure she said "symonyms".

Quote from Missy

Mary: Okay, let's go over it one more time. House key's under the plastic owl by the front door. There's after-school snacks in the fridge. One for each of you. Emergency numbers are right there by the phone.
First aid kit is in the hall closet. And you won't be needing it, but under the kitchen sink is a fire extinguisher.
Missy: Ooh, that looks fun.
Mary: For fires only, and don't be starting one just to use it.
Missy: It's like she can read my mind.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: In 1989 the Milton Bradley Company had dozens of board games on the market, but only one where you were the doctor. Operation came complete with a red light-up nose, 13 plastic body parts for players to remove and, most importantly, one pair of genuine tweezers. My sister performed a medical procedure using a children's board game, while I bravely sat very still. I guess you could say there were two heroes that day.

Quote from Sheldon

Missy: How come you're not eating your snack?
Sheldon: I prefer my snack to be a reward for homework well done.
Missy: You're like an old person.
Sheldon: Thank you.

Quote from Meemaw

Mary: Well, I am happy to report that my potato salad is once again the hit of the potluck.
George Sr.: That's great, honey.
Mary: I feel bad for Pam Staples. No one's touching her potato salad.
Sheldon: If you feel bad, then why are you smiling?
Meemaw: 'Cause sometimes your mommy's a big ol' hypocrite.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: I think they'll be fine home alone all by themselves for a couple hours after school.
Mary: You think?
Meemaw: I do. As a matter of fact, I actually think it'll be great for them. These kids today are so coddled, I honestly think y'all are raising a whole generation of sissies.
Mary: Is that the way you speak about your grandchildren?
Meemaw: Yes.

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: How about this? Go ahead and take the job. Yeah, if it turns out Sheldon and Missy can't look out for themselves for a couple hours after school, then well, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
Mary: Are you sure about this?
George Sr.: Yeah. Actually, probably good for 'em. Teach 'em a little responsibility.
Mary: That's exactly what my mom said.
George Sr.: Really? Well, I still like the idea.

Quote from George Jr.

George Jr.: Thanks for waking me up.
Mary: I woke you up 40 minutes ago.
George Jr.: Well, you didn't do a very good job.

Quote from Missy

Missy: We'll be okay on our own.
Sheldon: Yeah, we need to prove we can do this.
Meemaw: All right. I respect that. And I'm happy to keep this little incident a secret.
Missy: Really? I'm telling everyone. It was hilarious.

Quote from Missy

Sheldon: [WHISPERING] Let's make this quick.
Missy: Why are you whispering?
Sheldon: That's how people speak when they're being naughty.
Missy: I wouldn't know. I'm naughty all the time.

Quote from Mary

Mary: God, please give me the strength to not spread this juicy gossip about Pastor Jeff.

Quote from George Jr.

George Jr.: You're really gonna leave these two alone?
Mary: Yes.
George Jr.: That's a brave choice.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: Of all the afflictions that can befall a child, one reigns supreme. Beyond scraped knees and paper cuts, nothing strikes fear into the hearts of kids around the world like a splinter.

Quote from Mary

Pastor Jeff: This morning, while Selena was in the shower, I went through her purse and I took the credit card.
Mary: Oh, my.
Pastor Jeff: Now, do you think that's stealing, or is it doing the right thing? You know, saving us from bankruptcy and whatnot?
Mary: Wow. Um, yeah, that's complicated. Um going through her purse is probably wrong, but on the other hand ... well, there is no other hand.

Quote from Sheldon

Mary: How are you liking Medford, Selena?
Pastor Jeff: ¿Cómo te gusta Medford?
Selena: Nunca he estado tan aburrido en toda mi vida. [I've never been so bored in my entire life.]
Pastor Jeff: She likes it fine.
Mary: Oh.
Selena: Voy a fumar en el baño. [I'm going to go smoke in the bathroom.]
Pastor Jeff: She needs to use the little girls' room. Mary, could I talk to you for a second?
Mary: Sure.
Pastor Jeff: Don't worry. I'll bring her right back.
George Sr.: Wasn't worried, but okay.
Sheldon: His Spanish is terrible. That's not what she said at all.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: I'm in the prime of my life. I got my water aerobics and my salsa dancing and my bowling league.
Mary: But you love your grandchildren.
Meemaw: I love ice cream, too, but I don't want to eat it from 3:00 to 6:00 five days a week.
Mary: Well, I'm very disappointed.
Meemaw: And I'm fine with that.

Quote from Mary

Meemaw: Why don't you just get a babysitter?
Mary: Kinda defeats the purpose of making extra money.
Meemaw: Oh, yeah, right. All right, let's think about it. Georgie.
Mary: Football practice. And I don't trust him when I'm home.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: Okay, now, what are we talking about here? Sheldon is intelligent and responsible, and Missy is ... his sister.

Quote from Missy

Mary: So, kids, we have a little family business to discuss.
Missy: You're pregnant?
Mary: No.
Missy: We're getting a puppy?
George Sr.: No.
Missy: I'm not sure I care.

Quote from George Sr.

Mary: Starting next Monday, I'm gonna take a full-time job at the church.
Sheldon: Well, who's going to take care of us?
Mary: Well, nothing will change in the morning I'll make breakfast, take you both to school. Then, after school, you'll come home, do your homework, watch TV, play with your toys till I come home around 6:00.
Sheldon: Well, why can't Meemaw take care of us?
George Sr.: 'Cause she's not the person you think she is.
Mary: George!

Quote from George Jr.

George Sr.: Look, this job is important to your mother. We expect you both to step up and be responsible.
Sheldon: I can do that.
George Sr.: Missy?
Missy: I'm thinking about it.
George Jr.: Very brave.

Quote from Meemaw

Sheldon: Why were you sneaking around out there?
Missy: Yeah, you scared us.
Meemaw: I was checking up on you two. And in case you're wondering, you scared me back.
Sheldon: Well, why didn't you knock?
Meemaw: Because you two are supposed to be doing this on your own.
Missy: And you don't think we can.
Meemaw: Of course I do. I'm the one who told your mother that you were fine by yourselves in the first place.
Sheldon: Then why were you checking up on us?
Meemaw: That's called being two-faced.

Quote from Sheldon

Missy: Let's see what we got. Band-Aids, cotton balls. What's "gowz"?
Sheldon: It's gauze, and the fact that you don't know that is not filling me with hope.

Quote from Missy

Missy: Wait, she has tweezers in her makeup bag. She plucks her eyebrows with them. And sometimes her mustache.

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: Hey, it's Dad. How you guys doing?
Missy: We're great.
George Sr.: Glad to hear it.
Missy: I'm watching TV, and Sheldon's reading quietly.
George Sr.: I knew you could handle this. I'm proud of you.
Missy: You know what? I'm proud of us, too.
George Sr.: Okay, baby doll, I'll be home in a couple hours.
Missy: Stay out all night. We got this.
George Sr.: Wha- Love you, too.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Hello. Cooper residence. Sheldon speaking.
Mary: Hey, Shelly.
Sheldon: Oh, hello, Mom. How's your day going? [silence] Shelly? Shelly? You there?
Sheldon: Yes, I'm here. [to Missy] She wants to know how my day's going.
Missy: Say it's going good.
Sheldon: I can't say that.
Missy: Why not?
Sheldon: It's bad grammar.
Missy: How are you supposed to say it?
Sheldon: "It's going well."
Mary: Oh, that's nice. I've got to get back to work, but I love you and miss you very much.
Sheldon: Okay. [hangs up] I handled that really well.

Quote from Missy

Missy: Found 'em.
Sheldon: The tweezers?
Missy: Mom's needles and her magnifying glass.
Sheldon: Absolutely not.
Missy: Let me at least try.
Sheldon: No.
Missy: You're being a baby.
Sheldon: Nothing you can say will change my mind.
Missy: What if it gets infected and turns green and they have to cut it off?

Quote from Missy

Missy: Wait till you hear what I did to Meemaw.

Quote from George Jr.

Pastor Jeff: Howdy, Coopers! How we doing today?
Mary: Thank you, Pastor Jeff.
Pastor Jeff: Y'all remember my wife Selena.
Meemaw: Hi, Selena.
George Sr.: Oh, yeah.
Selena: ¿Qué tal?
George Jr.: You're married to her?
Pastor Jeff: Why, yes, I am.
George Sr.: [QUIETLY]: You can think it, you don't need to say it.

Quote from Pastor Jeff

Pastor Jeff: I don't know if you've heard, but our church secretary, Elizabeth Sohinki, is currently seeking treatment for a little problem with shall we say "under-the-counter" medications.
Mary: Oh, so that rumor's true.
Pastor Jeff: Mm-hmm.
Mary: Well, she did always seem extremely alert.
Pastor Jeff: Alert, shaky, sweaty.

Quote from Mary

Mary: It's not just bookkeeping. I'd be in charge of handling the maintenance issues you know, plumbing, electric, what have you. And I'd also head the planning committee for all the social events, which, of course, includes the big three: baptisms, weddings, funerals. And here is the cherry on top. The sign in front of the church with all the clever sayings-
George Sr.: "Be an organ donor, give your heart to Jesus"?
Mary: Exactly. Guess whose job it would be to write those.
George Sr.: Yours.
Mary: Already working on a couple. Listen to this. "The best vitamin for a Christian is B1."
George Sr.: What?
Mary: You know, be one. Like be a Christian. And also B1 the vitamin.
George Sr.: Well, now that you explained it, it's funny.
Mary: Yeah. Might be a thinker. But there's a lot more where that came from.

Quote from Mary

Mary: You know, my mother's had some luck cutting back on the smoking by chewing that nicotine gum.
Peg: Got some right here.
Mary: So you do.

Quote from Mary

Pastor Jeff: When we first started dating, everything was wonderful.
Mary: That's when it is wonderful.
Pastor Jeff: All the problems started once we got married.
Mary: Well, marriage will do that to a relationship.
Pastor Jeff: I-I got Selena a credit card to make small purchases for the house. You know ... coffee maker, DustBuster. You know what she did? She went to that Sharper Image store and she bought a massage chair.
Mary: Oh, I sat in one of those at the mall. It was terrific.
Pastor Jeff: It's $2,000.
Mary: Oh. Well, seeing as I know how much you make, you can't afford that.

Quote from Sheldon

Missy: That was intense.
Sheldon: I don't think I'm cut out for this latchkey life.

Quote from Mary

Pastor Jeff: Got a minute?
Mary: Sure, come on in.
Pastor Jeff: I just wanted to apologize. It was wrong of me to unload my personal business on you. Here it is, your first day and all.
Mary: Oh, that's fine. Always happy to lend an ear.
Pastor Jeff: Great, 'cause I didn't tell you everything.
Mary: Really? 'Cause you told me a lot.

 Episode 113 Episode 115