Tam: Look at this, my mother left me a note. "You can do better. Mom." Not "Love, Mom," not "XO, Mom," just "Mom."

Sheldon: Excuse me, sir. When you're done urinating, I'd like to ask you some questions about social dynamics, intimidation, threats, et cetera. Finish up, no hurry.

Meemaw: Your takeaway should be that you are the reason she's such a good mom, which she is. And the next time you hurt her feelings - which you will - you might remember how much you mean to her.
Missy: Now I feel bad.
Meemaw: [Meemaw hugs Missy] Good.

Sheldon: Good news, I just spoke to Tommy Clarkson.
George Jr.: What? Are you crazy?
Sheldon: Nope, Mom had me tested.

Meemaw: And as far as your mom, I think things started to turn around for her when she gave birth to you.
Missy: You mean me and Sheldon.
Meemaw: No, I mean you. I mean, Sheldon was born fine, but you were a different story.
Missy: Why?
Meemaw: Okay. Well, there was a point where the doctors didn't know if you were gonna make it. And your mom got so scared, and she made a promise to God that if you were okay, that she would start reading the Bible, going to church you know, that kind of stuff.
Missy: So I'm the reason she's a dud?

Missy: That's my mom?
Meemaw: [CHUCKLES] Yep, the little queen of darkness.
Missy: Is she smoking a cigarette?
Meemaw: Yep. Probably stole it from me.
Missy: When did she stop being cool?
Meemaw: Well, first of all, smoking is not cool.
Missy: You do it.
Meemaw: Yeah, well, next time I'm hocking up some black goo out of my lung, I'll call you over and you can see how cool it is.
Missy: Awesome.
Meemaw: It is not awesome.

Mary: What were you even thinking?
Missy: I was thinking I look hot.
Mary: You know you're not allowed to wear makeup.
Missy: That's why I didn't tell you.
Mary: And who gave it to you? Heather B.? Heather M.?
Missy: Meemaw.
Mary: So your grandmother was okay with you looking like this in your school pictures?
Missy: If you don't believe me, ask her.
Mary: Oh, I'm going to.
Missy: Really?

Mr. Givens: All right, everyone, we'll pick it up here tomorrow. If we're lucky, we may find a fossil as old as lunch lady Phyllis. You people don't know what's funny.

Adult Sheldon: Conventional wisdom tells us that when one stands up to a bully, the bully will inevitably back down and respect you for your courage. My experience suggests otherwise. When Jason finally caught me, he had the good sense not to commit assault and battery.
This did not, however, prevent him from imprisoning me in his locker.
That was a very long night. Very long.

Adult Sheldon: Like Superman in a phone booth, I was no stranger to undressing in my gym locker. But not today. Thanks to Tommy, I was invincible.

Adult Sheldon: News of my friendship with Tommy had apparently spread.
So much so, the student body was finally treating me with the respect I deserved, even when Tommy wasn't around. This must be how Carl Sagan felt, walking through the halls of PBS.

Missy: How old was Mom when you let her wear makeup?
Meemaw: I don't know, I didn't really have rules like that.
Missy: See? How come you're so cool and she's such a dud?
Meemaw: Well, I wouldn't call her a dud.
Missy: What would you call her?
Meemaw: Point is, she wasn't always like that.
Missy: What was she like?
Meemaw: When she was a teenager, she was just wild.
Missy: Really?
Meemaw: Oh, yeah. She used to wait until I went to sleep and then she would sneak out and get into trouble with her friends.
Missy: My mom?
Meemaw: Your mom. And then she would climb up the tree on the side of the house and sneak back in.
Missy: Amazing.
Meemaw: Is that how you're getting in?
Missy: I will never tell you that.

Meemaw: Hello. Well, don't you look like Madonna?
Missy: Thank you. I was actually trying to look like you.
Meemaw: Thank you.

Sheldon: What are you watching?
George Jr.: Go away.
Sheldon: Are you angry with me?
George Jr.: I don't want to see your face right now.
Sheldon: Very well, but I'd like to watch Professor Proton.
George Jr.: Did you hear me? Go away.
Sheldon: Well, did you hear me? I'd like to watch Professor Proton.
George Jr.: Too bad.
Sheldon: Interesting. I wonder how my new friend Tommy Clarkson would feel about this.
George Jr.: Well, he's not here, is he?
Sheldon: No, he's not. I guess I'll just have to call him.
George Jr.: You're kidding.
Sheldon: Are you going to put on Professor Proton?
George Jr.: No.
Sheldon: Hmm. [starts dialing]
George Jr.: Okay, okay.
Sheldon: Thank you. I didn't hear a "you're welcome."
George Jr.: Shut up!
Sheldon: We'll work on that.

Tommy: So Georgie's your brother?
Sheldon: Correct.
Tommy: And you're trying to protect him?
Sheldon: Incorrect. I'm just curious what he did to incur your wrath. Also, kudos on the hand washing.

Tommy: Your brother's a punk.
Sheldon: I'm not familiar with that terminology.
Tommy: He tried to hit on my girlfriend.
Sheldon: Interesting. So he openly pursued your mate, and to re-assert dominance, you threatened him with physical violence.
Tommy: Hell yeah, I did.
Sheldon: I understand that. I often intimidate people with my intelligence. [A kid walks into the bathroom and backs away] Well, one of us scared him.

George Jr.: Hey, Tommy. How you doing?
Tommy: You got a problem with him, you got a problem with me.
Sheldon: And just to make his logic clear, you do have a problem with me.

Missy: I took the makeup from Meemaw's bag.
Mary: Oh, Missy, you are in a world of trouble.
Meemaw: Calm down, it's not that big a deal.
Mary: It is so a big deal! She stole from you, and then she lied about it.
Meemaw: I know, but come on, she's only ten. She's gonna do way stupider stuff when she's older.
Missy: Guaranteed.

Tommy: What is your problem?
Sheldon: Oh, I don't have a problem. You should probably wash your hands. I just witnessed an altercation between you and Georgie Cooper.
Tommy: Altercation?
Sheldon: A confrontation, a tussle. Anyway, I'd just like to gather more information for sociological purposes.
Tommy: Oh, I heard about you, you're that smart kid.
Sheldon: I'd like to be humble in this moment, but yes, that's me. Sheldon Cooper, at your service.

Marcus: All right. Next. Missy Cooper.
Missy: Just a heads-up, this is my good side.
Marcus: Okay. Do your parents know you're wearing that makeup?
Missy: Oh, yeah, my mom knows.
Marcus: You sure? Because typically it's not allowed.
Missy: If you don't believe me, you can ask her.
Marcus: Okay, we're gonna give her a call.
Missy: Really?

Meemaw: And for future reference, go lighter on the blush, or you'll end up looking like Raggedy Ann.
Missy: She got Raggedy Andy looking like that.
Meemaw: He's her brother.
Missy: Oh. I've been playing with those dolls all wrong.

Meemaw: So when, exactly, did you swipe my makeup?
Missy: While you were at bowling league.
Meemaw: You don't have a key to this house. How'd you get in?
Missy: Can't tell you that. I might need to do it again.
Meemaw: Unbelievable.

Mary: What on Earth did you say to Missy?
Meemaw: Why? What'd she do now?
Mary: Nothing, she was an angel. I dropped her off at school, and she hugged me in front of her friends.
Meemaw: Really?
Mary: And not just any friends. Heather M. was there, and that is a big deal.
Meemaw: I just gave her a little life advice.
Mary: Like what?
Meemaw: Nothing, just grandma stuff.
Mary: There you go again, being the good guy.
Meemaw: Mary, you need to know you're doing a fantastic job with those kids.
Mary: You really mean that?
Meemaw: I really do.
Mary: Thanks. I can't remember the last time someone said I was a good mom.
Meemaw: It's not a job that gets a lot of compliments.

George Sr.: Everything okay?
Mary: I'm getting tired of being the bad guy around here.
George Sr.: You're not the bad guy. Kids need boundaries.
Mary: That is easy for you to say. I am the only one doing it, and then everyone resents me for it.
George Sr.: Hey, you're not the only one. Just today, Georgie and Sheldon were fighting, and I totally took care of it.
Mary: Really? What was going on?
George Sr.: They... You know, boy stuff. Don't worry. I got your back.
Mary: Thank you. That means a lot.
George Sr.: Teamwork, babe.

Sheldon: And Tommy's actually nicer than you think.
George Jr.: I told you to stay out of it.
Sheldon: True, but what you didn't tell me was that you were overly chummy with his girlfriend, which is why he wants to kick your bottom.

Sheldon: Georgie, be a lamb and get me a Yoo-hoo.
George Jr.: Get your own.
Sheldon: Hmm. Are you sure you want to speak to me in that tone of voice?
George Jr.: Sheldon, I'm getting real tired of this.
Sheldon: That's too bad. I'm enjoying it quite a bit. Still waiting on that Yoo-hoo.
George Jr.: You think you're so tough now, I swear, one day I'm-
George Sr.: Hey. What's going on?
George Jr.: Sheldon's being a jerk.
George Sr.: That true?
Sheldon: All I did was ask for a Yoo-hoo.
George Jr.: He's leaving out the part where he-
Sheldon: [CLEARS THROAT]
George Jr.: Forget it.
George Sr.: Great. Done.
Sheldon: Georgie, at the risk of repeating myself... And one from the back, so it's cold.

Mary: She is my daughter and you will be punished.
Meemaw: Sorry, kid.
Missy: I wish I was your daughter.
Mary: Is that so? Well, guess what? You're sleeping here tonight because I don't feel like being around either one of you.
Missy: Great!
Meemaw: Yeah, great.

Sheldon: Excuse me. I'd like to ask you some questions about your use of intimidation to dominate others.
Jason: Are you trying to get your ass kicked?
Sheldon: No, I was just looking to open a spirited dialogue. And you might want to unhand me.
I'm friends with Tommy Clarkson.
Jason: Is that so?
Sheldon: Yes.

Sheldon: Hello, Tommy. I have some unfortunate news.
Tommy: What's that?
Sheldon: I boasted to Jason Davies that you're my friend, and things took an unexpected turn.
You're scheduled to fight him at 3:00 p.m. on the basketball court.
Tommy: I don't want to fight Jason Davies.
Sheldon: I don't think you have a choice. He was pretty adamant.
Tommy: Fine, I'll deal with it.
Sheldon: You do have the option of simply not showing up.
Tommy: That's not how fights work, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Why? Do they take attendance?

Sheldon: Who was that?
George Jr.: No one.
Sheldon: Why did he push you?
George Jr.: None of your business.
Sheldon: But that was a clear violation of the student code of conduct. We need to tell on him.
George Jr.: We're not telling on anyone, stay out of it.
Sheldon: But the student code of conduct-
George Jr.: Drop it.
Adult Sheldon: So I did drop it ... for six whole minutes.

Adult Sheldon: While Tam prattled on about some family nonsense, I couldn't help but think about Tommy. At 3:00 pm, he was going to engage in a schoolyard battle that was entirely my fault. I had to find a way to intervene, but how?
Tam: Ooh, a Nutter Butter. Maybe she does love me.

Adult Sheldon: I didn't have the physical stature to assist Tommy in a brawl, but I did have something far more lethal: my once in a generation brain.

Sheldon: Stop! You're not fighting Tommy, you're fighting me.
Tommy: Oh, boy.
Sheldon: Unless you want to shake hands and we all laugh about this over a glass of milk.
Jason: I think I'd rather kick both your asses.
Sheldon: I was afraid you'd say that. Are you familiar with the story of David and Goliath from the Bible?
Jason: Yeah.
Sheldon: That's too bad. I had a nice speech prepared. I'll say it anyway. You may have the size advantage, but like David and his sling, I also possess an air-based weapon. So I'll give you one more chance. Are you willing to step down?
Jason: I'll tell you what: you take the first shot, then it's my turn.
Sheldon: Very well. Three, two, one.
Jason: Ow! Son of a bitch!
Sheldon: I'm going to run.

Adult Sheldon: A fossil is formed when an organism, preserved in sediment, undergoes physical compression over millions of years. Less than one ten-thousandth percent of living organisms will become fossils. Isn't it amazing that something so fragile can defy those odds, only to have this happen to it-
[Tam hits a fossil with a hammer and it breaks into pieces]
Sheldon: I don't think you did that right.