George Jr.: See? They ain't allowed to dance, either.
Missy: It's like I'm watching my life.
George Jr.: That's how I feel when I'm watching Top Gun.

Dale: Now, what do you think young people talk about on their dates?
Meemaw: I don't know. But my knee's telling me it's gonna rain this weekend.

George Jr.: Can I put on the game?
Missy: I don't care.
George Jr.: Sweet! What's your problem?
Missy: Did you ever go to a school dance?
George Jr.: One or two.
Missy: How'd you get Mom to let you?
George Jr.: Easy. Didn't ask her. By the way, that works for all kinds of stuff.
Missy: Well, it's too late. I already asked.
George Jr.: Rookie mistake.
Missy: Why can't we have a fun religion?
George Jr.: I don't think there is one.

George Sr.: Come on, Sheldon, think of it as a free dinner.
Sheldon: I'm a kid. All my dinners are free.

President Hagemeyer: Gentlemen, please have a seat.
George Sr.: Sheldon's only been here a few weeks. I hope he's not in trouble already.
President Hagemeyer: What kind of trouble? Did something happen?
Sheldon: Ooh, maybe it's from when I decided...
George Sr.: Uh, uh, all good. Uh, you keep talking.

Meemaw: Your ex-wife is a bitch.
Dale: I am so filled with love for you right now.

George Jr.: Here. [hands Missy a Footloose tape]
Missy: What is it?
George Jr.: The answer to your problems.
Missy: Cool. What other tapes you got?
George Jr.: Nature films. Don't worry about it.

President Hagemeyer: George Cooper, meet Gary O'Brien, the antistatic furniture king.
Gary: Hello.
George Sr.: Shocking to meet you.
President Hagemeyer: Don't do that.

Sheldon: I've been working on a theory about the wave-particle duality of light.
Billy Sparks: I have a nightlight that looks like Spider-Man, but I don't turn it on. [Sheldon looks at George]
George Sr.: Go ahead.
Sheldon: Why don't you turn it on?
Billy Sparks: I'm afraid of spiders.
George Sr.: Yeah, seems like a good place to stop.
Billy Sparks: Now what happens?
Sheldon: You go home.
Billy Sparks: Thank you for your hospitality.

Adult Sheldon: College is a time for new experiences, being exposed to exciting ways of thinking, meeting people from different backgrounds, and the unexpected visit from your dad in gym shorts.
George Sr.: Hey.
Sheldon: What are you doing here?
George Sr.: I got a phone call. Apparently, the head of the college wants to talk to us.
Sheldon: Oh, good.
George Sr.: You sure it's good?
Sheldon: Well, it's better than what I thought when I saw you, which was, "Uh-oh, Meemaw died."

Mary: Did you show your sister Footloose?
George Jr.: Did it work?
Mary: No!
George Jr.: Mm. Then no.
Mary: Oh!

George Sr.: Now, when you meet this guy, you got to shake his hand.
Sheldon: What if I offer a stately bow? That's how they do it in Asia.
George Sr.: You're shaking his hand.
Sheldon: Then it's a good thing I brought Old Righty. [holds up a mitten-covered hand]
George Sr.: You're not wearing that in a restaurant.
Sheldon: Why?
George Sr.: 'Cause you don't make a good impression by being afraid to shake hands.
Sheldon: Howard Hughes was a germophobe, and he did quite well for himself.
George Sr.: Didn't he go crazy and save his pee in jars?
Sheldon: Better to have it and not need it than to need it and not have it.
George Sr.: You're shaking his hand!
Sheldon: Okay!

Missy: "David danced before the Lord with all his might, leaping and dancing before the Lord." Leaping and dancing.
Mary: I'm impressed.
Missy: Thank you.
Mary: Too bad it's from Footloose.
Missy: [giggles] What's a footloose?
Mary: It is the movie that Pastor Jeff warned us about in his talk on the Sins of Cinema.
Missy: Just let me go to the dance.
Mary: I'm sorry. I can't.
Missy: I'm never talking to you again!

President Hagemeyer: And this, of course, is our physics prodigy, Sheldon Cooper.
Justin: A great pleasure. [offers hand]
Adult Sheldon: I had an obligation to fulfill. So I closed my eyes and thought of science. [Sheldon shakes Justin's hand] Just like on my honeymoon.

Mary: How's pizza sound for dinner?
George Jr.: You think I'm eating dinner with my mom on a Saturday night? You're adorable.
Mary: Guess I'm eating alone.
George Jr.: What about Missy?
Mary: She's not talking to me.
George Jr.: She'd talk to you if you just let her go.
Mary: You know I can't do that.
George Jr.: Come on. I went to school dances and I turned out fine.
Mary: I didn't let you go to any dances.
George Jr.: I did all kinds of stuff behind your back.
Mary: Like what?
George Jr.: I'm dumb, but I'm not that dumb.
Mary: So I'm supposed to just let her do whatever she wants? Yeah, I don't think so.
George Jr.: I'm just saying she's a good kid. Be glad she's still asking.

[Missy is about to climb out her bedroom window]
Mary: [at her door] Missy?
Missy: Go away. I'm not talking to you.
Mary: I know you're mad. But I've been thinking about it, and... I trust you enough to know that you will behave yourself. So, just this once, you can go.
Missy: Thanks, Mom. Love you. [climbs back inside]
Mary: [door rattles] Why won't this open?
Missy: Sometimes it sticks!

Gary: I believe we have to look to gravity and its magnitude...
Adult Sheldon: I was really doing my best to hold it together.
Gary: ...could be a repulsive force if you just add negative mass.
Adult Sheldon: I smiled and nodded like my meemaw's Houston Oilers bobblehead.
Gary: And I also discovered a way that we could predict the masses of all the known particles using the Egyptian pyramids.
Adult Sheldon: In physics, there's a phenomenon known as supercritical assembly. If you bring enough material together in one place...
Gary: The trick is numerology.
Adult Sheldon: ...in the right configuration, eventually, it will explode.
Gary: This is fun. Not a lot of people I can talk to scientist-to-scientist.
Sheldon: We're not talking scientist-to-scientist. You're not a scientist. You're just a rich man that no one will be honest to because everyone wants your money.
President Hagemeyer: Oh, don't listen to him. I mean, he's just a kid. Why don't you tell me a little more about your pyramid thingy? Huh?

Adult Sheldon: It turned out Gary did appreciate my honesty. The school got a generous donation.
President Hagemeyer: My, my, my. That is a lot of zeroes.
Adult Sheldon: My father got Oilers tickets from President Hagemeyer.
George Sr.: 50-yard line and free parking? Hoo-mama.
Adult Sheldon: And I got a brand-new, state-of-the-art antistatic lab chair.
Sheldon: It works.

George Sr.: Okay, Sheldon, try having a conversation with Billy about science. Let's see. Uh, what do you know about quantum mechanics?
Billy Sparks: My dad's a mechanic. At his shop, he has a calendar with a bikini lady on it.
Sheldon: Dad...
George Sr.: Instead of losing patience, act interested and ask a follow-up question.
Sheldon: Your father's a mechanic. Interesting. You know what else is interesting? Quantum mechanics. That describes the basic particles and forces that make up reality. Let's talk about that.
Billy Sparks: I'm gonna marry that bikini lady.

George Sr.: Hey. I just got off the phone with President Hagemeyer. This guy we're gonna have dinner with sounds pretty interesting. He made all of his money selling antistatic furniture for laboratories.
Sheldon: He's not even a scientist? He's just a furniture salesman?
George Sr.: Yeah.
Sheldon: What am I supposed to talk about?
George Sr.: Talk about whatever you want. Just... don't be insulting.
Sheldon: What if he says something I think is ridiculous?
George Sr.: Keep it to yourself.
Sheldon: What if you just said something I think is ridiculous? Because...
George Sr.: Okay, maybe we need to work a little on your conversation skills, like not calling people out for saying stupid things.
Sheldon: How am I supposed to practice that?
[cut to Sheldon answering the door to Billy Sparks:]
Billy Sparks: What's up?

George Sr.: Is what they're asking really that bad?
Sheldon: Yes. I go to this university to study science, not to help collect money like an organ grinder's monkey.
George Sr.: You see me go to the rallies and fundraisers at the high school. I don't love it, but I do it.
Sheldon: And I hope they give you all the bananas you can eat.
George Sr.: Sheldon, donors like this are very helpful for the university. They pay for all the science equipment and your scholarship.
Sheldon: I hadn't thought of it that way.
George Sr.: So I'll tell 'em we're on for Saturday?
Sheldon: I'll think about it.
George Sr.: What's to think about? It's a night of you showing off how smart you are.
Sheldon: People do like that. All right, I'm in.

President Hagemeyer: All I'm asking you to do is to go to dinner, talk about science with a very nice and, more importantly, a very rich person.
Sheldon: Understood. No, thank you.
George Sr.: Buddy...
President Hagemeyer: All right, uh, Sheldon, I was brought to this school to help raise its profile, and one of the ways to do that is through grants and donations. You- You can understand that, right?
Sheldon: I understand that you would like to put the novelty of my age and advanced intellect on display to raise some cash.
President Hagemeyer: No. Sort of. [to George] Can I speak to you alone?
George Sr.: Will you give us a minute?
Sheldon: Very well. But if you're looking to see if my father will be a potential donor, you are barking up the wrong tree.

Meemaw: Where we eating tonight?
Dale: Well, that depends. Why don't you look in the glovebox and check on the Tums situation.
Meemaw: There's five.
Dale: Oh, my, this is tricky. Well, Mexican's at least three apiece.
Meemaw: We might get by with two each if it's Italian.
Dale: You get red wine and then tomato sauce. Hey, if they put lemon in the water, we're dead.
Meemaw: Hmm. That leaves barbecue.
Dale: Sold.
Meemaw: Who gets Tum number three?
Dale: Me. They're my Tums.

Missy: So, there's this thing at school I really want to go to, and before you say no, I just want you to think about it.
Mary: What is it?
Missy: Like a school function.
Mary: Why would I say no to a school function?
Missy: So I can go? You're the best.
Mary: Hold on. What kind of function are we talking about?
Missy: You know, just the normal kind. With some kids. And some music.
Mary: You know you can't go to a dance.
Missy: Why not?
Mary: You know that, too. Because we're Baptist.
Missy: But all my friends are going.
Mary: That doesn't change anything.
Missy: What if I promise not to dance?
Mary: So you expect me to believe that you are going to go to a dance with your friends, they'll all be dancing while you just stand there?
Missy: I go to church and don't pray. How is this any different?

President Hagemeyer: So... how do we get your son to cooperate?
George Sr.: I've been asking myself that since day one.
President Hagemeyer: Look, I don't mean to put pressure on you, but there's a lot of pressure on me, so I'm going to put it on you.
George Sr.: Look, I'm sorry, isn't there anyone else who can go to dinner with this guy?
President Hagemeyer: So I have a unicorn in my zoo, but I should trot out a goat, is that what you're saying? Would you donate a new library to have dinner with a goat?
George Sr.: What restaurant?
President Hagemeyer: Mr. Cooper, I need you to understand something. This university relies on donations for everything. For upkeep, for salaries, for scholarships, like the one your son is currently on.
George Sr.: I'll talk to him.
President Hagemeyer: Thank you. And when you go to dinner, wear real pants.

June: What's your problem?
Meemaw: Yeah, what is your problem?
Dale: Who said I had a problem?
Meemaw: We did.
June: You're being rude.
Dale: Okay, you want to spend all your money on some boy toy, it's none of my business.
Meemaw: Why do you care what she does with her own money?
June: Yeah, why?
Dale: Well, you got some young guy running around, asking for money. You don't think I know what that's all about?
June: Okay, he didn't ask... I offered. And I can do what I want. I'm a grown woman.
Dale: Oh, hell, you were a grown woman when he was born.

June: [answers phone] Hello.
Meemaw: Hey, June. It's Connie Tucker.
June: Hey, Connie. How are you?
Meemaw: I'm good.
June: Am I seeing you Saturday night?
Meemaw: Well, that's what I've called about. Are you sure you want me there? I mean, it is your son's wedding.
June: Oh, it's his second wedding. Those barely count. Besides, I'm bringing a date, too. Come on, it'll be fun.
Meemaw: Okay. I'm in.
June: Fantastic!
Meemaw: So, how dressed up we getting?
June: Oh, it's a small ceremony, nothing fancy.
Meemaw: You just saying that 'cause you want to look better than me?
June: Of course not. But I do believe you'd be stunning in overalls.
Meemaw: [chuckles] All right. See you then.
June: Bye. [hangs up]
Meemaw: Overalls, my ass.

President Hagemeyer: Well, I'll just get right to the point. Uh, I would like you and your son to meet with a very important benefactor of the college.
George Sr.: Why us?
President Hagemeyer: Well, I mean, Sheldon is... is an impressive addition to the physics program, and- and we like our donors to feel really good about where their money's going.
George Sr.: I get it. You want the star quarterback to shake some hands with the boosters.
President Hagemeyer: Exactly.
Sheldon: I'm not doing that. I didn't shake her hand, and she's the president.
President Hagemeyer: No, you don't have to shake anybody's hand.
Sheldon: Then why did you say it?
President Hagemeyer: I didn't say it. He said it.
Sheldon: But you agreed with it.

Meemaw: Can you believe that Dale thinks the only reason you brought him here is just to piss him off?
June: That's exactly why I brought him.
Meemaw: What the hell is the matter with you?
June: What?
Meemaw: Why would you go out of your way to upset Dale at your own son's wedding?
June: I don't know. He's my ex-husband.
Meemaw: Well, he's my boyfriend.
June: Hey, that's your problem.
Meemaw: Well, you're starting to be my problem.
June: Geez, who's the bully now?
Meemaw: I knew I shouldn't have come here.

Meemaw: I know, on the surface, Dale seems like a... a bully, but, underneath...
June: Still a bully.
Meemaw: Well, yes, but a little less of one, right?
June: Sure.

Dale: What is she thinking?
Meemaw: Maybe she's thinking, "Why did I come here with this guy?" Wait, no, that's what I'm thinking.
Dale: You know what I'm talking about. She brought him here on purpose.
Meemaw: What purpose?
Dale: To upset me.
Meemaw: You know, Dale, not everything is always about you.
Dale: Well, you're mad at me, she's mad at me. It seems like it's all about me.
Meemaw: Well, you owe her an apology.
Dale: Like hell I do.
Meemaw: Then I'm gonna do it for you.
Dale: [whispers] No, wait. Connie, wait.
Meemaw: What?
Dale: Bring me back a beer.

President Hagemeyer: Sheldon, why don't you tell Mr. O'Brien about some of your goals at the university.
Sheldon: Well, I'm pushing for stricter dress codes. There are a lot of belly buttons on display.
George Sr.: Science goals.
Sheldon: My ultimate goal is to one day devise the grand unified field theory.
Gary: Ah. You're one of those, are you?
Sheldon: Excuse me?
Gary: Well, Kurt Godel's incompleteness theorems eliminate the possibility of a unified theory.
Sheldon: You honestly believe that?
George Sr.: Sheldon.
Sheldon: That's... interesting. Tell me more about how Einstein's life goal was nothing but folly.

Dale: Okay, so what is it you do, Langston?
Justin: Justin. Actually, I'm about to open a frozen yogurt shop.
Dale: Frozen yogurt. Right. Isn't that, like, crappy ice cream?
Justin: We consider it a healthy alternative.
Dale: Right. Crappy ice cream.
June: It's actually getting really popular. I'm gonna invest.
Dale: Invest money?
Meemaw: What else would she invest with?
Dale: I don't know. You got fake ice cream. How 'bout fake money?

Meemaw: So, how'd you two meet?
Dale: Oh, I've been cutting his mom's hair for years.
Meemaw: Oh, that's nice.
Dale: Bet you when she cuts your hair, you get a lollipop, don't you?
June: Oh, he gets more than a lollipop.
Dale: Really? Is that so?
Meemaw: Dale.

Dale: Speaking of this weekend, hey, my son needs a final head count.
Meemaw: Oh. It's a small wedding. It'll be weird if I'm there.
Dale: Aw, come on, I'm gonna be wearing a suit. I'm very sexy in a suit.

June: Connie, Dale, this is Justin.
Meemaw: Hi, Justin. Nice to meet you.
Justin: Nice to meet you, too.
Dale: You must be a friend of my son's.
June: Actually, he's my date.
Dale: Really?
June: Mm-hmm.
Meemaw: Much more fun than a funeral.

Meemaw: Haven't been to many weddings lately. Mostly funerals.
Dale: Yeah, those don't have an open bar. I don't know why I'm so excited. I'm paying for this.

George Sr.: I was hoping in college you wouldn't get called to the principal's office anymore.
Sheldon: She's not the principal. She's the president.
George Sr.: So if you're in trouble, you're in big trouble.
Sheldon: That's a fun way to look at it.