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53Quotes from ‘A Patch, a Modem, and a Zantac’

A Patch, a Modem, and a Zantac

106. A Patch, a Modem, and a Zantac

Aired November 30, 2017

When a visiting NASA representative dismisses Sheldon's rocket science, he sets out to prove the gentleman wrong.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Hello. Yes, you can help me, Dorothy Fitzpatrick. I'm interested in taking out a second mortgage. I'm nine years old. Why do you ask? That's called age discrimination, Dorothy, but I'm willing to let it slide. I'm glad you find me cute, but I'm deadly serious. I need funds to buy a computer. No, the house isn't in my name. I'm nine. We've established this. I do prepare the taxes for my parents, and if we tighten our belts, we'll have sufficient equity for the loan.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Hello, First National Bank. I'd like to speak with a loan officer. It's regarding a second mortgage on my home. My name is Sheldon Lee Cooper. Sure, I'll hold. Oh, I hate hold music.

Quote from George Jr.

George Jr.: I'm bored.
Missy: Me, too.
Meemaw: Hey. Someday somebody's gonna write a book about Sheldon. Don't you want there to be a chapter about how loving and supportive you two were?
George Jr.: Doesn't matter. I ain't reading it.

Quote from George Jr.

Dr. Hodges: Now, what I thought would be fun to talk about today is what NASA's planning on doing beyond the Space Shuttle. Things like the first manned mission to Mars. Uh, yeah?
George Jr.: Did you see the movie Aliens?
Dr. Hodges: I did.
George Jr.: Did you think it was cool?
Dr. Hodges: Uh,. sure, I enjoyed it.
George Jr.: Me, too.
Dr. Hodges: Football player, right?
George Jr.: Yes, sir.

Quote from Sheldon

Dr. Hodges: Now, of course, before we can set out to explore the solar system, we've got a few minor problems to overcome. Not the least of which is, every time we launch, it costs the U.S. taxpayers hundreds of millions of dollars. [Sheldon raises his hand]
Mr. Givens: Oh, no, no, no, no.
Dr. Hodges: Yes?
Sheldon: If you want to save money, why don't you land the booster rockets instead of letting them drop in the ocean?
Dr. Hodges: [LAUGHS] That's a cute idea, but, uh, it's not technically possible.
Sheldon: Why not?
Dr. Hodges: Well, it's hard to explain. The math is pretty complicated.
Sheldon: Perhaps I could help you with it.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: People often wonder why I chose to pursue a career in theoretical physics. I usually respond by saying I wanted to unravel the inner workings of the universe. But the real answer was I wanted to prove this nincompoop wrong.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: So I saw a lawyer today.
Mary: Why?
Meemaw: I'm putting together my last will and testament.
George Sr.: We're gonna miss ya.
Mary: George.
Meemaw: Don't worry. I ain't leaving him squat.

Quote from George Jr.

George Jr.: Are you dyin'?
Meemaw: We're all dyin', honey. From the second we're born, it's just a slip and slide into the darkness.
George Jr.: Unless you get bit by a vampire.
Meemaw: Well, now that goes without saying.

Quote from Sheldon

Mary: Sheldon, who are you talking to?
Sheldon: Dorothy Fitzpatrick.
Mary: Who's Dorothy Fitzpatrick? Is she a new buddy from school?
Sheldon: She's the loan officer at The First National Bank of Medford.
Mary: Why are you talking to her?
Sheldon: Mom, can this wait? I'm trying to negotiate favorable terms. Hello, Dorothy? [Mary hangs up]

Quote from Sheldon

Tam: Hey, how come you weren't in math class?
Sheldon: That guy from NASA treated me like a child, and I need to prove him wrong.
Tam: You are a child.
Sheldon: Tread lightly, my friend.

Quote from Missy

Mary: Shelly, remember when you thought you had leprosy, and it was just a patch of dry skin?
George Sr.: And when you thought you had gout? Or an enlarged prostate?
Mary: Or mad cow?
Missy: That was my favorite.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

George Sr.: Damn it. I've had enough of this. Sheldon, get up.
Sheldon: What's the point?
George Sr.: We're going to Houston.
Sheldon: Really?
George Sr.: Yeah. You and me are gonna give those space monkeys a little talkin' to.
Adult Sheldon: I often found my father to be a strange and puzzling man, but at that moment, I never loved him more.

Quote from Missy

Missy: I don't want to die. I've only kissed one boy so far.
Mary: What?
Missy: Relax. It was a long time ago.
George Sr.: Are you relaxed?

Quote from Meemaw

Mary: Shelly, you haven't touched your dinner. You feel okay?
Sheldon: Oh, yes. I was just thinking.
Mary: About what, baby?
Sheldon: The optimal height-to-width ratio for a reusable rocket.
Meemaw: I was just thinking the exact same thing.
Sheldon: Really?
Meemaw: Oh, Moonpie, I love you so much.

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: It's late. What are you doing up?
Sheldon: I'm working on the hyperbolic calculations for a rocket return.
George Sr.: Need any help?
Sheldon: What?
George Sr.: I'm kiddin'.

Quote from Meemaw

Sheldon: Meemaw?
Meemaw: Mr. Moonpie, how might I help you?
Sheldon: How much money are you planning to leave me when you die?
Meemaw: Nice talkin' to you.

Quote from Meemaw

Sheldon: Meemaw?
Meemaw: Want to try that again?
Sheldon: I need to buy a computer so I can solve the Navier-Stokes equation.
Meemaw: Uh-huh. How much is a computer?
Sheldon: Apple has a nice one for $2,000, but the kind I need costs three million.
Meemaw: Let me see what I got in the vault. Nine bucks and, uh, oh, look at that a peso.
Sheldon: It's warm.

Quote from Tam

Sheldon: Was Ms. Ingram upset I wasn't in class?
Tam: Actually, she was happy. She even did a little dance.

Quote from Tam

Tam: You know, sometimes you sound like a super villain.
Sheldon: Silence!
Tam: That'll be more effective after your voice changes.
Sheldon: [SIGHS] [IN DEEP VOICE]: Silence.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: I'm not proud of it, but as a child, I was prone to the occasional meltdown.
Sheldon: Cheese and crackers!
Adult Sheldon: I'm sorry you had to hear that.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: All right, I finally got him calmed down.
Mary: How'd you manage that?
Meemaw: Easy. Gave him a hug and a little cough syrup.
Mary: Mom!
Meemaw: It's not like he's operating heavy machinery.

Quote from Mary

George Sr.: We can't keep putting up with this behavior. We need to ground him.
Mary: How? If you say "No playing outside," he says, "Thank you."

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: It's just a tantrum. It's what kids do.
Mary: You used to punish me all the time.
Meemaw: That was different. You were a pain in the ass.

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: Go!
Sheldon: And you're surprised I have an ulcer.
George Sr.: I'm surprised I don't have one.

Quote from George Sr.

Dr. Eberland: Um, Radio Shack?
Mary: He's trying to figure out how to help NASA land rockets.
Dr. Eberland: Oh. Well, that's a nice thing.
George Sr.: He's just doing it out of spite.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: With my research complete and my ulcer on the mend, all that was left to do was send my work to NASA and wait to become America's scientific sweetheart.

Quote from Meemaw

George Jr.: I don't see why I couldn't stay home.
Mary: 'Cause we're having a fun family outin'.
George Jr.: Can I at least drive?
Meemaw: She said fun, not tragic.

Quote from Dr. Hodges

George Sr.: All right, here's the deal. My kid's got a damn ulcer 'cause of you, so either you take him seriously, or you're gonna be taking me seriously. [INTERCOM BUZZES]
Mrs. Veazey: Yes, sir?
Dr. Hodges: Janice, why don't you send the little boy in? Right away.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: And here near apogee, we gimbal the engine to exert a torque that executes a pitchover maneuver to flip the rocket by 180 degrees.
Dr. Hodges: Well, that's very impressive. Thank you very much for taking the time-
Sheldon: I'm not done.
Dr. Hodges: Uh, sorry.

Quote from Sheldon

Dr. Hodges: This is groundbreaking work. Thank you.
Sheldon: And?
Dr. Hodges: And?
Sheldon: I thought you might want to apologize.
Dr. Hodges: Well why?
Sheldon: You tried to shut me up with a patch.
Dr. Hodges: Well, I-I give those to everyone. A-And you have to understand, Sheldon, that while your math is-is theoretically correct, we don't have the technical capability to execute it.
Sheldon: So I'm ahead of my time?
Dr. Hodges: Well it would appear so.
Sheldon: All right, call me when you catch up.

Quote from George Sr.

Sheldon: Dad?
George Sr.: Yeah?
Sheldon: Thank you.
George Sr.: You're welcome.

Quote from Meemaw

Mary: We're real proud of you, honey.
Missy: Are you proud of me and Georgie?
Mary: Of course.
George Sr.: You bet.
George Jr.: For what?
Meemaw: Don't go pokin' at it.

Quote from Sheldon

Mr. Givens: I have a special treat for y'all today. My dear friend and former college roommate is here from the Johnson Space Center in Houston to talk to us about our space program. And yeah, I know what you're thinking. These guys were roomies. How does one go on to be a-a fancy scientist at NASA, and the other's teaching freshman science at a public high school? Yeah, Sheldon?
Sheldon: I was thinking that.
Mr. Givens: Thank you.

Quote from Dr. Hodges

Dr. Hodges: I'll tell you what. Here is a NASA patch. Why don't you have your mom sew that on your book bag?

Quote from Dr. Hodges

Dr. Hodges: Now, who here wants to know how astronauts go to the bathroom?
Boy: Me. I do.
Dr. Hodges: Oh, right. See, now, during liftoff, all the astronauts wear diapers.

Quote from Dr. Hodges

Dr. Hodges: Yeah, perhaps when Captain Kirk said, "To boldly go," he meant in one of those, huh? Yeah, that's right. Beam me up, Potty!

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Dad, can we afford a computer?
George Sr.: You do my taxes. What do you think?
Sheldon: Never mind.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Do you know anybody with a modem? I think Radio Shack has one.
Tam: Why?
Sheldon: I need to access thrust-to-weight ratios from the FTP server at the Johnson Space Center.
Tam: Then what?
Sheldon: Then I show that guy from NASA my work and laugh as he begs for mercy.

Quote from Mary

Sheldon: Mom, can you take me to Radio Shack?
Mary: Not today, baby. I have to go food shopping and get dinner started.
Sheldon: But it's important.
Mary: Sorry. Maybe over the weekend.
Sheldon: But it won't take that long.
Mary: Sheldon, I said no.
Sheldon: But, Mom-
Mary: Not another word.

Quote from Meemaw

George Sr.: I say no Radio Shack for at least a month.
Mary: Sounds fair.
George Sr.: I'll go tell him.
Meemaw: I'd wait and tell him tomorrow. He's a little loopy right now.

Quote from Sheldon

Mary: What's the matter, baby? Have a tummy ache?
Sheldon: I think it's an ulcer.
George Sr.: Don't be silly. You must have eaten something.
Sheldon: No. My symptoms are consistent with an ulcer.

Quote from Sheldon

Mary: Maybe we should take him to the doctor.
Sheldon: Listen to your wife, ulcers are serious.

Quote from Sheldon

Dr. Eberland: Well, I've never seen this in someone so young, but, uh, your son has an ulcer.
Sheldon: Thank you.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: I've heard some interesting research about treating ulcers with antimicrobials.

Quote from Sheldon

Mary: Sheldon! What are you doing?
Sheldon: I just need a minute. These things are so slow. [to Dr. Eberland] Is this your family? They're lovely.

Quote from George Sr.

Missy: Mom.
Mary: What?
Missy: There's something wrong with Sheldon again.
Sheldon: I figured it out! I figured it out!
George Sr.: One night. I want to sleep one night.

Quote from Meemaw

Missy: Oh, God, it's on my shoes, it's on my shoes!
Meemaw: For Pete's sake, somebody open a window.

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: Yeah, I don't mean to be rude, but we've been waitin' for an hour to see your boss.
Mrs. Veazey: I'm sorry, sir, but you didn't have an appointment.
George Sr.: We didn't have an appointment 'cause every time I called, you put me on hold.

Quote from Sheldon

Dr. Hodges: Anything else?
Sheldon: Yes. I'd like a glass of water. It's time to take my Zantac.

Quote from Mary

George Sr.: Oh, he's been in there quite a while.
Mary: Well, if the topic is science, he can be a real Chatty Patty.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: I've often contemplated what might have happened if my father hadn't stuck up for me that day. Would I have gone on to become a world-class theoretical physicist, or just your average Joe Sixpack theoretical physicist?

Quote from Mr. Givens

Mr. Givens: All right, uh, let's give a warm welcome to my good buddy, Dr. Ronald Hodges.
Dr. Hodges: Hey, kids. Hey. Glad to be here. And, uh, Hubert, the answer to your question is, one of those roomies was busy studying while the other was out chasing high school girls.
Mr. Givens: Yeah. To be clear, they were all over 18.
Dr. Hodges: Eh.

Quote from Dr. Eberland

Dr. Eberland: Okay. Well, keep him off spicy foods for the time being, and I'll write you a prescription for Zantac. Does he smoke?
Mary: 'Course not. He's nine.
Dr. Eberland: [chuckles] I started at his age. Uh, but only when I drank.

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