Adult Sheldon: Ignoring things that irritate me isn't my strong suit. Obsessively fixating on them, now that's what gets me out of bed in the morning.

Adult Sheldon: My father's wisdom touched me deeply. Which is why, to this day, no matter what I'm going through, I am never irritating or abusive to any of my friends or loved ones. Ask them. They'll tell you.

Billy Sparks: Hey, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Hello, Billy.
Billy Sparks: Are you our new paperboy?
Sheldon: Yes, I'm joining the work-a-day world.
Billy Sparks: I work, too! I take care of our chickens.
Sheldon: Don't get the wrong idea. When I grow up, I plan on being a theoretical physicist.
Billy Sparks: Cool. I'm sticking with chickens.
Sheldon: All righty then. Have a nice day.
Billy Sparks: You, too. [looking at the newspaper] Oh, cool, it's Monday.

Sheldon: When does the truck bring the papers?
George Jr.: When it does.
Sheldon: That's a tautology.
George Jr.: What?
Sheldon: A tautology. A statement that's true, but uninformative. Hey, you're supposed to be the one teaching me. That's funny.

Sheldon: [knock knock knock] Georgie? [knock knock knock] Georgie?
George Jr.: What?
Sheldon: I'm ready to scrub the moral stain off my character.
George Jr.: I hate everything about you.
Sheldon: [knock knock knock]

Ms. MacElroy: Mr. Cooper, you're late.
Sheldon: I know I'm late. My training wheels broke.
Derek: Training wheels?
Sheldon: Yes, Derek! I have training wheels like a child! I also have a job like an adult. I'm a very complicated person!
Ms. MacElroy: Sure. Let's go with complicated.

Sheldon: Do you know anything about surviving psychological torture?
Tam: Because my family escaped communist Vietnam, we have to know about torture?
Sheldon: That was my thought.

Sheldon: Collecting! Collecting!
Brenda Sparks: Hey, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Hello, Mrs. Sparks. I'm here to collect for this week's paper delivery.
Brenda Sparks: Right. Hang on.
Sheldon: Also, I'm given to understand that tipping is customary, so feel free to express your appreciation.
Brenda Sparks: Here you go.
Sheldon: You tipped me a dime?
Brenda Sparks: Is there a problem?
Sheldon: No, it just doesn't seem like very much.
Brenda Sparks: You were late every day.
Sheldon: Well, I had to brave the elements.
Brenda Sparks: I saw you. "Brave" isn't the word that I would use. [cackles]

George Sr.: You want to explain yourself?
Sheldon: I'd rather just go to bed, since I have to be up in a few hours anyway.
George Sr.: Look, I understand you're tired, but that is no reason for you-
Sheldon: I'm not just tired. I'm exhausted. Everything hurts. I get up in the morning to do this job I don't even like. And I'm doing it just for the money, and it's not even a lot of money. I keep trying harder and harder, and it doesn't even make a difference. So if you're going to yell at me or punish me, let's just get it over with.
George Sr.: I'm not gonna punish you.
Sheldon: Why not? I deserve it.
George Sr.: Let me tell you about my day. I got yelled at by the principal for benching a linebacker who's flunking English. Then I got yelled at even more by the kid's parents. Then I had to break up a fight in the locker room. Got elbowed in the neck.
Sheldon: That's a rough day.
George Sr.: That was all before 10:00 a.m. So I get what you're going through. But you'll notice, I didn't come home and take it out on you.
Sheldon: No, you didn't.
George Sr.: I want you to get back in there, apologize to everyone, and finish your dinner.
Sheldon: Yes, sir.

Billy Sparks: Hey, Sheldon. You look sad.
Sheldon: I am.
Billy Sparks: Want an egg?

Adult Sheldon: To say this first day was challenging would be an understatement. To say the rest of the week got better from there would be the kind of lie that sets pants on fire.

Mary: Why aren't you eating, Sheldon?
Sheldon: How can I with that horrible noise?
Mary: What noise?
Sheldon: That irritating, high-pitched buzz.
George Jr.: I don't hear nothin'.
George Sr.: Me, neither.
Sheldon: How can you not?
Missy: Wait. I think I hear it.
Sheldon: You do?
Missy: Yeah. It's coming out of your face.

Sheldon: Ew. Georgie, put your shoes back on!
George Jr.: He can't smell this.
Sheldon: Yes, I can!

Tam: Since when do you drink coffee?
Sheldon: I don't, but this job is killing me. You wouldn't understand.
Tam: You realize I have a job.
Sheldon: At your parents' convenience store? That doesn't count.
Tam: Why not?
Sheldon: You get to sit at a cash register and have the fun of doing math.
Tam: Actually, the cash register tells you how much change to give.
Sheldon: Oh. That's too bad.

Adult Sheldon: And by some people, I mean everyone. While I may not be X-Men material I have always possessed unusually heightened senses.

Tam: What's in the mug?
Sheldon: It's a coffee mug, Tam. What do you think is in it?
Tam: Could be soup.
Sheldon: It's coffee.
Tam: Where'd you get it?
Sheldon: The teachers' lounge. And before you ask, no, I'm not the world's greatest grandpa.

Sheldon: Thank you, Georgie. You've been a wonderful teacher, and I'm very appreciative that you took the ti- Ah! My hands are black! Why are my hands black?
George Jr.: Relax. It's just the ink from the papers.
Sheldon: Why wasn't I warned of this?! [running his hands under a tap] Out, damned spot! That's from Shakespeare!

George Sr.: He's gonna be fine.
Mary: You don't have to tell me that. I know he's gonna be fine.
George Sr.: If you believe that, why aren't you in bed right now?
Mary: Because this is the same boy who couldn't find his way out of that sleeping bag.
George Sr.: He made his way out. Just took him five or ten minutes.

Mary: How do you plan on delivering these papers?
Sheldon: Bicycle.
Mary: You don't know how to ride a bicycle.
Sheldon: There's nothing I can't learn. A week ago, I didn't know how to take apart a refrigerator.

[Sheldon humming]
Missy: What are you doing?
Sheldon: The sound from the refrigerator. It's right between D and D-sharp. Ugh! It's making my skin crawl.
Missy: What if I hold a pillow over your face for, like, a really long time?
Sheldon: No, that's dangerous. Do you know if we have earplugs?
Missy: If we did, I'd be wearing them. Go to sleep.

Missy: Mom, since Sheldon cost you all that money, who's your new favorite Me or Georgie?
Mary: You know I don't have favorites.
George Jr.: Yeah, right.
Mary: Okay, whoever takes the trash out first is my favorite.
Missy: She thinks we're stupid.

Meemaw: Then why are you in my bed?
Sheldon: I couldn't sleep. Our refrigerator is making a weird noise. But so was one of your nostrils, so don't expect me back tonight.

Meemaw: Go home before I call the police.
Sheldon: You wouldn't call the police on your Moonpie.
Meemaw: Then I'll call your mother.
Sheldon: That you would do.
Meemaw: And leave my extra key behind.
Sheldon: Aw.
Meemaw: (mocking Sheldon) Aw.

Missy: You know if you cry, I can't enjoy your pain.
[As Sheldon cries, Missy goes over to hug him]

Sheldon: Hi, Mom.
Mary: What did you do?!
Sheldon: Good news. I found out what part was making that noise.
Mary: You have to put this back together!
Missy: Now we're getting to the bad news.
Mary: What made you think you could fix this?
Sheldon: I'm smart and I had a book.
Mary: Do you still think you're smart?
Sheldon: Yes.
Missy: I told him not to do it. He wouldn't listen.

Mary: You're gonna teach your brother how to do this.
George Jr.: What if I don't want to?
Missy: You're doing it anyway.
Mary: Hey, nobody asked your opinion.
Missy: I knew the answer. I got excited.

Missy: What are you doing?
Sheldon: I'm going to take apart the refrigerator and figure out what's making that noise.
Missy: That is a really good idea.
Sheldon: Usually you're not supportive of my efforts.
Missy: I'm more mature now.

Tam: Well, you're in luck. What do you want to know?
Sheldon: I'm being tormented by a sound coming from our refrigerator, and I don't know how to deal with it.
Tam: When my uncle was in a reeducation camp, he would imagine disemboweling his torturers with a bamboo spike.

Adult Sheldon: For the next several months, I continued working my paper route until I paid my father back. And by working, I mean delegating.
[Billy Sparks is out in the rain, riding a bicycle with a wagon full of papers, as he hurls one at a house]
Billy Sparks: I have no idea where I am.

Adult Sheldon: Some people have said I'm overly sensitive.
Sheldon: [screaming]
George Sr.: What now?
Sheldon: Missy gave me cinnamon gum!
George Sr.: Sure, sure.

Adult Sheldon: I also had extraordinary hearing. During dinner, I could tune out the cacophony of chewing, slurping, chewing, cutlery scraping against plates, chewing, and my father's heavy breathing as he wrestled with a ketchup bottle.

Meemaw: Oh, I hear they're opening an Olive Garden where the old Sizzler used to be.
Mary: On Hampton Road?
Meemaw: Yeah.
George Sr.: I don't think that was a Sizzler. That was a Chi-Chi's.
Meemaw: No, the Chi-Chi's is on Bedford, across from the Payless Shoes.
George Jr.: She's right. Because, one time, we got shoes and then we got Chi-Chi's. That was a good day.

Missy: Put your fingers in your ears.
Sheldon: And risk driving wax back into my inner ear canal? No, thank you.
[Sheldon resumes humming]
Missy: Oh. [Missy puts her fingers in her ears]

Sheldon: Good morning.
Meemaw: [YELLS] Are you trying to kill me?
Sheldon: No, I think you're great.

Missy: Sheldon?
Sheldon: What?
Missy: You suck.
Sheldon: I'm sorry, but I have a job to do.
Missy: How much longer till you pay Dad back?
Sheldon: At this rate, six months.
Missy: You suck.

Adult Sheldon: After a week of tangling with animals, Mother Nature, and a delivery man with a good arm and a bad attitude, it was time to reap the benefits of my hard work.

[After dodging the paper bundle]
Adult Sheldon: Fun fact, the larger Sunday paper required a second bundle. [Sheldon gets knocked down by the second bundle]

Meemaw: How's he doing?
Mary: Been out here 20 minutes. This is his second house.
[When Sheldon tries to throw a paper towards a house, it lands behind him]
Meemaw: [chuckling] He throws like you.

Sheldon: Maybe I'll just get a book on refrigerator repair instead.
Tam: Okay. New subject. Jessica Gieger wears a black bra. I saw it through the sleeve of her shirt. Not beige, not pink. Black. So mysterious.

George Sr.: I know you're worried, but he needs to experience the world a little bit. Why not let him do it when most of it's asleep?
Mary: I suppose you're right.
George Sr.: You coming back to bed?
Mary: Are you crazy? That's my little boy out there in the dark.
George Sr.: Mm, but your big boy's right here under the covers.
Mary: Urgh.
George Sr.: There is a nicer way to say that.

Adult Sheldon: Over the next 17 minutes, I used physics, geometry and old-fashioned hard work to create the perfect newspaper-folding system.
Sheldon: I'm done.
George Jr.: Great. Let's load up the wagon.
Sheldon: No, I'm done with this one, I still have 39 more to go.

George Sr.: You know how much it's gonna cost to fix that fridge?
Sheldon: $200. I have really good hearing.
George Sr.: Do you have any idea how hard I work for the money we get?
Sheldon: I'm sorry.
George Sr.: I don't care how long it takes. You're gonna pay me back every cent of this.
Sheldon: Yes, sir.
George Sr.: I am very disappointed in you.

Mary: He can't deliver newspapers.
George Sr.: Why not?
Mary: It's too dangerous.
George Sr.: I think you're being a little overprotective.
Mary: You expect him to go riding around at 5:00 a.m. with cars and dogs and who knows what else?

Sheldon: Oh, there it is! [waving to the truck] Over here! Over here! This is exciting.
George Jr.: It's somethin'.
Sheldon: [waving to the truck] Thank you! Have a great day!