[Sheldon is throwing laundry in the dryer]
Mary: What am I supposed to do with this?
Meemaw: Send him over to my house before he runs out of gas.

Mary: It's not funny.
Meemaw: Oh, come on, now. Sheldon in detention? That's funny.

Sheldon: I don't understand what went wrong. Is there any chance you drank alcohol when you were pregnant with Georgie?
Mary: No!
Meemaw: Well, don't be so high-and-mighty. I drank when I was pregnant with you. You turned out fine.
These days everybody's like, "Don't drink, don't smoke." I swear, Texas is turning into California.

Mary: Well, I'm gonna ask Jesus to help you get a good grade on that test.
Sheldon: Shouldn't you have asked him before he took it?
Mary: The man rose from the dead, I think he can fix a test after the fact.
Meemaw: You know, I hear you say things like that, and I wonder if maybe I did have a few too many whiskey sours when you were in my belly.

Sheldon: Georgie cheated on the test.
Meemaw: Oh.
Sheldon: And nothing bad happened. He gets to stay on the football team, Mom and Dad are proud of him, I even got a train for helping.
Meemaw: So you're feeling guilty.
Sheldon: Very much so.
Meemaw: Well, that's a real conundrum.
Sheldon: Have you been reading the Word of the Day calendar I gave you for your birthday?
Meemaw: Indubitably.

Meemaw: You're not gonna get much out of Fred and Wilma here. Why don't you just get crackin' on the kids?

Mary: Wow. You're really cleaning house.
Meemaw: Got to get rid of the old gar-bage, make room for the new gar-bage.
Mary: This was Dad's. You're not getting rid of this, are you?
Meemaw: Didn't need it when he shot it, didn't need it when he stuffed it, don't need it now.

Pastor Jeff: I thought I'd talk this morning about how it all began. Now, everybody knows how, on the first day of creation, God said, "Let there be light." And there was light. And when God saw that light, he knew it was good.
[Sheldon raises his hand]
Meemaw: Oh, here we go.

Mary: How did you get through Dad's funeral?
Meemaw: You're gonna think less of me.
Mary: I won't.
Meemaw: I drank tequila and smoked a marijuana cigarette.
Mary: Oh, Mom.
Meemaw: Don't knock it till you try it.

Meemaw: Would you like to fight the last boss?
Sheldon: You think I'm ready?
Meemaw: We couldn't have gotten here without you.
Sheldon: Well, except for the part you did when I was sleeping.
Meemaw: We're having a moment here. Don't ruin it.

Mary: I hate to see him so upset.
George: Well, give him a little time, he'll calm down.
Sheldon: [door slams] Fiddle-faddle!
Meemaw: The F word. He's real mad.

Dr. John Sturgis: Thank you. Now, let's talk about this hula girl lamp. What's your best price?
Meemaw: It's my gift to you.
Georgie: Nice haggle.
Meemaw: Nice mullet.

Dr. John Sturgis: Dr. Linkletter is working on an intriguing theory of quantum gravity.
Meemaw: Is that so?
Dr. John Sturgis: He can explain it much better than I can.
Dr. Linkletter: Are you familiar at all with string theory?
Meemaw: Remind me.
Dr. Linkletter: Well, basically, it's a string theoretic interpretation of the graviton.
[flashback:]
Sheldon: Every force is an exchange of particles. Gravity is the exchange of gravitons. Meemaw, are you even listening?
Meemaw: What?
Sheldon: The graviton is a massless string.
[present:]
Meemaw: The graviton is a massless string.
Dr. John Sturgis: Wow!
Dr. Linkletter: Well, yes, it is.
Dr. John Sturgis: When did you learn that?
Meemaw: I get around. In fact, I would go so far as to say that every force is an exchange of particles, and gravity is an exchange of gravitons.
Dr. John Sturgis: Correct!

Meemaw: I said I'd have to think about it.
George: What's to think about?
Meemaw: Well, a lot. I mean, assuming he enjoys dinner, he might want a scoop of Meemaw for dessert.
Mary: Mom, the kids.
Meemaw: I said "dessert." Did you know I was talking about sex?
Sheldon: No.
Meemaw: See?

Meemaw: Okay, you can tell me, who's his real daddy?