George Sr.: Well, geez, I don't I don't know if I want some scientists pokin' and proddin' the kids.
Meemaw: Oh, but they wouldn't be poked and prodded. They just have to, you know, answer some questions.
Dr. John Sturgis: And maybe some puzzles and tests.
George Sr.: That's not too bad. Where is it?
Dr. John Sturgis: Houston.
George Sr.: Oh, it just got bad. That's that's a long drive.
Dr. John Sturgis: It does pay $50 an hour plus gas and expenses.
George Sr.: Really?
Meemaw: I told you to start with that.

Dr. John Sturgis: So, some colleagues of mine at the university are doing a research study on twins. I told them about Sheldon and his sister, and they were most intrigued.
George Sr.: Uh, what kind of study?
Dr. John Sturgis: It's a longitudinal investigation of environmental and genetic factors in the development of cognitive and other capacities in pairs of fraternal and identical twins.
Meemaw: You asked.

Mary: By the way, don't send Georgie to the store anymore to get you beer.
Meemaw: He snitched on me? Well, he tried to steal one.

Mary: I'm telling you, this is a terrible idea. This is a terrible, terrible idea.
Meemaw: He's gonna be fine. You'll see.
Mary: I can't believe you're okay with this.
Meemaw: I'm not okay with this. I'm just trying to be strong for you!
Mary: What? You thought him leaving was a good idea.
Meemaw: Oh, I only said that because you thought it was a bad idea. You know how it's always my nature to go the other way. Say "up."
Mary: Up.
Meemaw: Down.

Mary: And is that really necessary?
Meemaw: The Italians call it "corretto". It means correcting the drink.
Mary: So, a drink without alcohol in it is wrong?
Meemaw: Yep. Italian people, they know what's up.

Meemaw: So what's goin' on?
Missy: I think I have a boyfriend.
Meemaw: Wow.
Missy: But you cannot tell Mom.
Meemaw: Oh, of course... I love not telling your mother stuff.

Mary: I hate to see him so upset.
George Sr.: Well, give him a little time, he'll calm down.
Sheldon: [door slams] Fiddle-faddle!
Meemaw: The F word. He's real mad.

Meemaw: [singing] My country, 'tis of thee, Sweet land of liberty, Of thee I sing, Land where our fathers died, la- Sing along - Land of the pilgrims' pride.

Mary: Do you have any idea what's gotten into him?
Meemaw: I might.
Mary: Well?
Meemaw: Have you ever heard of Mobokachi Kaboom? Wait. Koshimaki Magoo. Wait a minute, I'm gonna get this.

George Jr.: How come he gets to tie up the phone and I can't?
Meemaw: Because what is happening in there is called a miracle, and God-fearing people do not get in the way of those.

Dr. Linkletter: Perhaps we could create some sort of a cocoon to suspend it.
Sheldon: Out of wire?
Dr. Linkletter: Or nylon. But I wouldn't know how to weave it around a sphere.
Meemaw: I'm not a genius, but it sounds to me like what y'all are talking about is, uh, crochet.
Dr. Linkletter: I suppose we are.
Meemaw: Because with crochet, you can make all kinds of shapes.
Dr. Linkletter: Intriguing.
Meemaw: Hell, I even crocheted a cover for Jolene.
Dr. Linkletter: I'm sorry?
Meemaw: That's my bowling ball.
Sheldon: She likes to name inanimate objects... it's odd.
Dr. Linkletter: Or whimsically charming.

Meemaw: Okay, you can tell me, who's his real daddy?

George Jr.: Can I ask you a personal question?
Meemaw: You're not in my will.

Dr. John Sturgis: Dr. Linkletter is working on an intriguing theory of quantum gravity.
Meemaw: Is that so?
Dr. John Sturgis: He can explain it much better than I can.
Dr. Linkletter: Are you familiar at all with string theory?
Meemaw: Remind me.
Dr. Linkletter: Well, basically, it's a string theoretic interpretation of the graviton.
[flashback:]
Sheldon: Every force is an exchange of particles. Gravity is the exchange of gravitons. Meemaw, are you even listening?
Meemaw: What?
Sheldon: The graviton is a massless string.
[present:]
Meemaw: The graviton is a massless string.
Dr. John Sturgis: Wow!
Dr. Linkletter: Well, yes, it is.
Dr. John Sturgis: When did you learn that?
Meemaw: I get around. In fact, I would go so far as to say that every force is an exchange of particles, and gravity is an exchange of gravitons.
Dr. John Sturgis: Correct!

Missy: Mom said you're not supposed to gamble.
Meemaw: Sleep, child!

Dr. John Sturgis: Hello, my little vicuña.
Meemaw: [chuckles] Well, hello to you, too. And more importantly, what is a vicuña?
Dr. John Sturgis: Only what I feel is the cutest camelid on the planet.
Meemaw: Well, I suppose I could ask you what a camelid is, but you're just gonna say more words that I don't know.

Dale: Well, you're not a fan of doctors, huh?
Meemaw: They never have good news. They just want to find something wrong.
Dale: It's kind of their job.
Meemaw: If something's wrong with me, I don't want to know about it.
Dale: That's dumb.
Meemaw: No, it's not. If I'm gonna drop dead, I'd rather do it quick and leave lookin' good.

Meemaw: Oh, Lord, I think I'm gonna wet myself.

Mary: Wow. You're really cleaning house.
Meemaw: Got to get rid of the old gar-bage, make room for the new gar-bage.
Mary: This was Dad's. You're not getting rid of this, are you?
Meemaw: Didn't need it when he shot it, didn't need it when he stuffed it, don't need it now.

Sheldon: Meemaw?
Meemaw: Mr. Moonpie, how might I help you?
Sheldon: How much money are you planning to leave me when you die?
Meemaw: Nice talkin' to you.