Missy: Mom said you're not supposed to gamble.
Meemaw: Sleep, child!

Sheldon: Meemaw?
Meemaw: Mr. Moonpie, how might I help you?
Sheldon: How much money are you planning to leave me when you die?
Meemaw: Nice talkin' to you.

Mary: Your hair's not changing color.
Missy: Aw.
Meemaw: Sorry, kiddo. Your mom is no fun.
Mary: Excuse me, I'm fun.
Missy: So I can color my hair?
Mary: Not a chance. But I'm very much fun.
Meemaw: Whatever you need to believe. Mein Fuhrer.

Mary: I'm glad you're both amused, but our little boy's soul may be at stake.
George: Come on. When I was a kid, we were listening to Black Sabbath, all that devil music. Didn't hurt me. Satan didn't get my soul.
Meemaw: What happened to it? You trade it for some donuts? You had that one coming.

Meemaw: You're gonna love Ira. He's a great guy.
Sheldon: Is he your boyfriend?
Meemaw: Well, he's one of them, so let's not bring that up.

Meemaw: Mary, I'm gonna run and go get my video camera. Don't catch him till I get back.

Meemaw: Listen to me, buster.
Sheldon: Okay.
Meemaw: You are a lot of things, Sheldon. You are cute, smart, hygienic. But most of all you are a Texan.
Sheldon: So?
Meemaw: So Texans aren't afraid of nothin'! Rattlesnakes, Indians, the Mexican Army. Do you imagine that Sam Houston was scared of a little old cold?
Sheldon: No.
Meemaw: Jim Bowie?
Sheldon: No.
Meemaw: Sissy Spacek?
Sheldon: I guess not?
Meemaw: You're damn right, because they're Texans through and through. Now I want you to quit hiding in this plastic bubble, and I want you to come out here and eat your cookies out in the world like a man! Like a Texan man!

Mary: I'm impressed.
Meemaw: Me, too. I thought I'd lost him at Sissy Spacek.

Mary: Well, I am happy to report that my potato salad is once again the hit of the potluck.
George: That's great, honey.
Mary: I feel bad for Pam Staples. No one's touching her potato salad.
Sheldon: If you feel bad, then why are you smiling?
Meemaw: 'Cause sometimes your mommy's a big ol' hypocrite.

Meemaw: I'm in the prime of my life. I got my water aerobics and my salsa dancing and my bowling league.
Mary: But you love your grandchildren.
Meemaw: I love ice cream, too, but I don't want to eat it from 3:00 to 6:00 five days a week.
Mary: Well, I'm very disappointed.
Meemaw: And I'm fine with that.

Sheldon: Why were you sneaking around out there?
Missy: Yeah, you scared us.
Meemaw: I was checking up on you two. And in case you're wondering, you scared me back.
Sheldon: Well, why didn't you knock?
Meemaw: Because you two are supposed to be doing this on your own.
Missy: And you don't think we can.
Meemaw: Of course I do. I'm the one who told your mother that you were fine by yourselves in the first place.
Sheldon: Then why were you checking up on us?
Meemaw: That's called being two-faced.

Georgie: How come he gets to tie up the phone and I can't?
Meemaw: Because what is happening in there is called a miracle, and God-fearing people do not get in the way of those.

Meemaw: You know, I actually did a little community theater back in my 20s.
George: Is that so?
Meemaw: I had a good part in Oklahoma. "I'm just a girl who can't say no."
Missy: Say no to what?
Meemaw: Well to-
Mary: Uh, eating her vegetables.
Meemaw: It was fun. But I'm pretty sure doing plays is just an excuse to change in front of each other backstage.
Missy: Really?
Meemaw: Yeah. Theater folk just love to take their clothes off.
Missy: How many people saw you naked?
Meemaw: A lot.
Mary: Mom.
George: Enough.
Meemaw: Y'all don't understand my sense of humor, either.

Missy: I think I see his underpants.
Meemaw: I told you. Theatre folk just love to show off their business.

Sheldon: I need money for my Harvard application, and was wondering if there are any jobs I could do.
Meemaw: Hmm. My yard could use a little weeding.
Sheldon: I'm not terribly fond of outdoor work. Plus, that garden gnome terrifies me.
Meemaw: Ernesto has that effect on people.
Sheldon: How much does the job pay?
Meemaw: Well, let me think. How about a dollar an hour?
Sheldon: How about five dollars an hour?
Meemaw: How about 50 cents an hour?
Sheldon: Wait a minute. What just happened?
Meemaw: I'll tell you what. I'll give you a dollar.
Sheldon: Thank you.