Meemaw: I took a real beating at the craps table, and then I won it all back playing Caribbean Stud Poker.
George Sr.: Well, how does Caribbean Stud Poker work?
Meemaw: I have no idea. I was drunk off my ass.

Meemaw: Let me buy you a drink, and we'll talk about this. I'm more on your side than you think.
Brenda Sparks: Somehow, I doubt that.
Meemaw: It's true. Don't you think I realize that Mary can be a bit-
Brenda Sparks: Of a self-righteous bitch?
Meemaw: I was gonna say "challenging," but sure, let's go with yours. It's got a nice rhythm.

Jake: Hey, there, Connie.
Meemaw: What do you want?
Jake: Is that any way to greet an officer of the law?
Meemaw: Sorry. What do you want?
Jake: I hear you're back in business.
Meemaw: We're not breaking any laws. [chuckles] People are just winning these prizes.
Jake: That you buy back for cash.
Meemaw: It's a gray area.

Meemaw: Okay, now, what are we talking about here? Sheldon is intelligent and responsible, and Missy is ... his sister.

Meemaw: John?
Dr. John Sturgis: Yeah?
Meemaw: Are you doing okay?
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, getting fired was tough, but I'm glad to be back here in town.
Meemaw: Mm.
Dr. John Sturgis: I'm glad you're back, too.
Meemaw: But if you feel yourself slipping again, promise me you'll get some help.
Dr. John Sturgis: I promise.
Meemaw: Well, good. I worry about you.
Dr. John Sturgis: You do?
Meemaw: Of course.
Dr. John Sturgis: That means a lot.

Mary: I'm starting to worry about you.
Meemaw: I just had a little too much to drink. So what?
Mary: If you're upset about Dr. Sturgis, that's okay.
Meemaw: I'm not upset. I don't care.
Mary: So you don't care that I saw him last night?
Meemaw: No. I hope he's great.
Mary: Okay.
Meemaw: Is he great?
Mary: He seemed okay.
Meemaw: Tell it to somebody who cares.

Sheldon: Mom!
Meemaw: Ah. There they are!
Mary: Hey. Oh.
Meemaw: Ha! I lost the little rascals in the hall.

Meemaw: I don't care if you win, just cover the damn spread.
Mary: Mom, are you betting again?
Meemaw: No.

Mary: Oh, Mom, Pastor Jeff is gonna be spending the night. If the kids could sleep at your place?
Meemaw: No. Bye.

Meemaw: Anyway, the point is, you don't can't go throwing gasoline on the fire.
Mary: Well, they started this fire, and now, they're gonna get burned.
Meemaw: I believe you've had enough coffee.

Meemaw: You seem to be interested in this alternative universe thing. Maybe that's something you could work on.
Dr. John Sturgis: Maybe there's another universe where I'm already doing that.
Meemaw: Sure, but maybe you could do it in both. [chuckles]
Dr. John Sturgis: What are you getting at?
Meemaw: Just that instead of wasting your time bagging groceries, you could be working on something worthwhile.
Dr. John Sturgis: There's nothing wrong with me trying something new.
Meemaw: But you've got a PhD. You're the smartest person here.
Sheldon: Well...
Dr. John Sturgis: Connie, I'm happy doing what I'm doing right now.
Meemaw: I don't believe that.
Dr. John Sturgis: Excuse me. You know more about how I should live my life than I do?
Meemaw: Yeah, maybe.
Dr. John Sturgis: May I speak with you outside?

George Sr.: Do I have to?
Meemaw: You want to add grandkids to this mess?
George Sr.: God, no.

George Jr.: I knew it.
Meemaw: What are you doing here?
George Jr.: What are you doing here?
Mandy: I asked her to be here.
George Jr.: So, her and not me?
Mandy: Yeah.
Meemaw: [to a couple] Don't make me come over there.

Meemaw: What kind of contribution are we talking?
Jake: [inhales] Well, that's up to you. Oh, I understand that somewhere between 9 and 11% is popular.
Meemaw: Ten percent?
Jake: [chuckles] If you insist.
Meemaw: How about three?
Jake: Three what? Three counts of illegal gambling? Three years in jail?
[cut to:]
Meemaw: I'm paying you in quarters.

Jake: I've heard that in cash businesses such as this, that some owners can benefit by having a strong relationship with their local police department.
Meemaw: What are you getting at?
Jake: I'm just wondering if there's something you can do to incur good will.
Meemaw: Are you shaking me down?
Jake: No.
Meemaw: Are you hitting on me?
Jake: No! Uh... I'm just saying I've heard some business owners like to invest in local law enforcement.
Meemaw: You are shaking me down.
Jake: It's a gray area.

Meemaw: George. Why are you not in that bedroom?
George Sr.: Well, I'm just thinking of what to say.
Meemaw: They're teenagers. If you wait any longer, they'll be done.
George Sr.: I'm just gonna grab a beer.
Meemaw: George!

Meemaw: So, how's it going? Do you have anybody to help you out?
June: Oh, yeah. [picks up pill bottle] These little guys. Elvis was onto something.
Meemaw: [chuckles] Till he keeled over on the toilet.
June: He was the king. That was his throne.
Meemaw: [laughs] Seriously, now, though, if you need anything at all, we are here for you.
Dale: That's right. 100%. [Meemaw slaps Dale]
Meemaw: Would you stop?
Dale: I was being sincere.
Meemaw: Well, that's for the next dumb thing you say.
Dale: Well, just quit hitting me, would you?
Meemaw: Well, quit being stupid.

Meemaw: What do you two want?
Mr. Lundy: What we want is to make you rich.
Meemaw: Oh, God.

Mandy: Okay... marital status. Single.
Meemaw: [to a couple] Mind your own business.
Mandy: Name of father. I can't write "Georgie," it sounds like he's 11.
Meemaw: George Marshall Cooper.
Mandy: Marshall? I didn't know that.
Meemaw: Isn't it nice he can still surprise you? [chuckles]

Meemaw: Brenda, this is, by far, the best bowling alley margarita in town.