Meemaw Quotes

Quote from the episode A Virus, Heartbreak and a World of Possibilities

Meemaw: You ready to start dating again?
Brenda Sparks: I think I need some time.
Meemaw: Well, if you change your mind, there's a gentleman over here at the bar who would like us to see his butt crack. [laughs]

Quote from the episode A Virus, Heartbreak and a World of Possibilities

Meemaw: Well, let's get into it. What happened? If it's another woman, she's a tramp, and you're way prettier.
Brenda Sparks: No. Although sometimes I wish there was. Then I'd have someone to be mad at other than myself.
Meemaw: And here I thought this one was gonna be the sad sack.
Mary: Mom, that is enough.
Meemaw: Oh, there's my little killjoy. [both laughing]

Quote from the episode A Virus, Heartbreak and a World of Possibilities

Brenda Sparks: Now, I think he cared more about those stupid chickens than he did me.
Meemaw: Oh, that's not true.
Brenda Sparks: He took them when he left.
Meemaw: Okay, that's a tough one. Give me a sec.

Quote from the episode A Virus, Heartbreak and a World of Possibilities

Brenda Sparks: I-I'll handle this. To friends.
Meemaw: [laughs] And to Brenda's crap husband who made this night possible.
Mary: Mom.
Meemaw: It's okay, she said we could joke about it.

Quote from the episode A Virus, Heartbreak and a World of Possibilities

Meemaw: So how come it's taken us so long to hang out?
Brenda Sparks: Well... my husband never left me before.
Meemaw: We can joke about it? Good. 'Cause that's gonna make this night way easier.

Quote from the episode A Virus, Heartbreak and a World of Possibilities

Meemaw: It's nice you're taking Brenda out.
Mary: I'm glad someone thinks I can be fun.
Meemaw: Who said fun? I said "nice."
Meemaw: Okay, well, if you're so fun, where would you go?
Meemaw: It's not rocket science. She just wants to go out to a bar and have some laughs.
Mary: I can do that.
Meemaw: You don't sound too sure.
Mary: It's been a while, but there's no reason...
Meemaw: You want me to come?
Mary: I'll pay for all your drinks.
Meemaw: You gonna regret that. [chuckles]

Quote from the episode Mitch's Son and the Unconditional Approval of a Government Agency

Meemaw: My husband went to the doctor. And they found something. Two days later, he was in surgery. Nine months later, he was dead.
Dale: Geez.
Meemaw: I don't want that. And I, I don't want to put anybody else through that.
Dale: I'm sorry.
Meemaw: Mm.
Dale: I hope you stick around long enough to start looking like a mummy, too.
Meemaw: [chuckles] I always pictured myself more the Bride of Frankenstein type.
Dale: Well, you got the hair for it.

Quote from the episode Mitch's Son and the Unconditional Approval of a Government Agency

Dale: I want to live so long I start looking like a mummy.
Meemaw: [chuckles] You're off to a strong start.
Dale: Hey.

Quote from the episode Mitch's Son and the Unconditional Approval of a Government Agency

Dale: Well, you're not a fan of doctors, huh?
Meemaw: They never have good news. They just want to find something wrong.
Dale: It's kind of their job.
Meemaw: If something's wrong with me, I don't want to know about it.
Dale: That's dumb.
Meemaw: No, it's not. If I'm gonna drop dead, I'd rather do it quick and leave lookin' good.

Quote from the episode Mitch's Son and the Unconditional Approval of a Government Agency

Meemaw: How's that salad?
Dale: It sucks. How's your steak?
Meemaw: You know how they overcook it sometimes so it's a little bit dry?
Dale: Uh-huh.
Meemaw: Not this time. It's so good.
Dale: You know what else is good? This radish.
Meemaw: Would you like some steak?
Dale: Yes.
Meemaw: Then you probably should've ordered some. It's delicious.
Dale: You are not a very nice lady.
Meemaw: [softly] Mmm.

Quote from the episode The Geezer Bus and a New Model for Education

Vern: Sarah did a real nice job on my cuticles.
Hortense: Yeah.
Meemaw: So where we headed next? And don't say dinner.
Hortense: Oh, but it's almost 4:00.
Doris: What?!
Hortense: [loudly] It's almost 4:00.
Doris: Ooh, dinnertime.
Meemaw: Just get in.
Hortense: Ooh. She's like a muscle man.

Quote from the episode The Geezer Bus and a New Model for Education

Meemaw: Tell me, when was the last time you went and got all dolled up at a salon?
Doris: I don't even remember.
Hortense: It's been years.
Vern: Does it look like I go to a salon?
Meemaw: We're going now. I'm gonna take you, and it's on me.
Vern: This is exciting. [laughter] It's a good thing I got my heart pills.

Quote from the episode The Geezer Bus and a New Model for Education

Meemaw: So, I was singing karaoke with my girlfriend who used to be married to the guy I'm currently dating.
Doris: What the heck is a karaoke?
Meemaw: It's when you stand up and sing in front of everybody at the bar.
Vern: You're like a Las Vegas showgirl. [Hortense laughs]
Meemaw: Oh, no, no, anybody can do it. I'll take you sometime.
Vern: Oh, please. Can we?
Hortense: Well, could I sing "Blue Suede Shoes"?
Meemaw: You bet.
Vern: You better turn your hearing aid down for that one.
Doris: You got that right.

Quote from the episode The Geezer Bus and a New Model for Education

Meemaw: I just think it'd kill me to lose my independence like that.
Hortense: Oh, it's not so bad. Sometimes Clayton takes us to the park.
Vern: Like dogs.
Meemaw: I got places to go... Bowling league, water aerobics, I drive my grandson to college.
Hortense: Why can't he drive himself?
Meemaw: Well, he's 11.
Hortense: Wha...?
Vern: 11 and in college?
Meemaw: He's special.
Hortense: Our grandson is 27.
Vern: Mm, he may be the other kind of special.

Quote from the episode The Geezer Bus and a New Model for Education

Clayton: Hey, I'm just gonna run Doris into the bank. We'll be back in a minute. [Doris is walking off] Doris. Whoa. [closes van door]
Hortense: You seem like you can get around, so why are you in this geezer-buggy?
Meemaw: I had a little car accident.
Hortense: Oh, no.
Vern: Ooh. Anybody get hurt?
Meemaw: Only the tree.
Vern: Step on the wrong pedal?
Meemaw: No. Maybe.
Hortense: Maybe, my ass.
Vern: Hey, that sort of thing happens.
Hortense: Oh. He drove into all kinds of stuff before they took his keys away.
Vern: [chuckles] Remember the goose?
Hortense: Ooh.
Vern: Feathers everywhere.

Quote from the episode The Geezer Bus and a New Model for Education

Vern: Vern.
Meemaw: Connie.
Vern: Where you headed, Connie?
Hortense: Stop flirting with her.
Vern: I'm not flirting with her. I was being cordial.
Hortense: Mm-hmm. I'm Hortense, his wife, which, clearly, he seems to have forgotten.
Vern: Judas Priest, give it a rest.
Hortense: That's Doris.
Meemaw: Hello, Doris.
Doris: What?
Vern: Turn on your hearing aid.
Meemaw: It's nice to meet y'all. And to answer your question, I'm headed to the salon.
Hortense: Oh, fancy. We're headed to the pharmacy.
Vern: Seven pills a day.
Hortense: You take nine... Clearly one ain't working.
Doris: Okay, I'm on. What'd I miss?
Hortense: She's headed to the salon!
Doris: Ooh, fancy.

Quote from the episode The Geezer Bus and a New Model for Education

Clayton: Connie Tucker?
Meemaw: Yeah.
Clayton: Give me one second. I'll help you in.
Meemaw: No, no, I don't need your help. I can get it myself.
Hortense: She opened that door by herself.
Vern: Looks like we got a feisty one.
Meemaw: Don't test me.
Hortense: Oh, yeah, she's feisty.
Doris: What?
Hortense & Vern: She's feisty! [Meemaw closes the van door]
Doris: What?

Quote from the episode The Geezer Bus and a New Model for Education

Edwin: Hey, Connie. Waiting for the mail?
Meemaw: Yeah. You know me.
Edwin: Yeah. Oh. Something from Publishers Clearing House. Maybe you won.
Meemaw: Yeah, wouldn't that be something?
Edwin: Yeah. You know, people think Publishers Clearing House is Ed McMahon, but that's actually a different company.
Meemaw: Is that so?
Edwin: Yeah. Publishers Clearing House is the Prize Patrol with the giant check. Ed McMahon...
Meemaw: Well, it sure is nice talking to you, Edwin. Bye.
Edwin: Oh. The church van. My grandma rides that sometimes.
Meemaw: Edwin.
Edwin: Hmm?
Meemaw: Beat it.
Edwin: All right. Yep.

Quote from the episode The Geezer Bus and a New Model for Education

Meemaw: [on the phone] I don't care what your guy says. Have him check it again. [hangs up] Sorry, I'm cranky.
Dale: No problem. I like when you yell at people who aren't me.
Meemaw: Stupid mechanic said the brakes are just fine.
Dale: Well, you probably stepped on the wrong pedal.
Meemaw: I didn't.
Dale: I'm just saying, it happens with people our age, you know.
Meemaw: I've been driving my whole life. I know which pedal is which.
Dale: Now you're yelling at me.
Meemaw: Sorry.

Quote from the episode The Geezer Bus and a New Model for Education

George Sr.: Looks like your car's gonna be out of commission for a while.
Mary: If you need a ride, the church offers a shuttle service.
Meemaw: I'm not getting on that geezer bus.
Mary: It's just for people who can't get around.
Meemaw: That's 'cause they're so shriveled up, they can't even see over the steering wheel.
George Sr.: I've driven that van... it is grim.