Adult Sheldon: I'd like to tell you a story about a time I was right. Now, I'm sure you're thinking, "But, Sheldon, you're never wrong." And you'd be right. But it's worth taking a closer look at this particular incident. Because it began with a loaf of bread, and ended with me and my family almost being kicked out of the United States of America.

Adult Sheldon: For many children, their happiest memory is the day they learned to ride a bike.
For others, it's when they got their first puppy. For me, it was the day I received a box of 57 defective smoke detectors loaded with americium-241.

Adult Sheldon: Jean-Paul Sartre said, "Hell is other people." That's humorous because it's true.

Adult Sheldon: When you're three foot ten and in high school, getting from point "A" to point "B" can be a harrowing experience. But it's worth it when point "B" is the library. Home to the original information superhighway, the Dewey Decimal System.

Adult Sheldon: Eventually, Dr. Linkletter admitted we could use the help of Dr. Sturgis, and Team Science was back in action, scoring goals against Team Ignorance. Look at me, talking like a jock.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, I see you came around to my idea for distinguishing massive particles from axion particles.
Dr. Linkletter: Well, it did provide an excellent jumping-off point for me to crack the actual problem.
Dr. John Sturgis: Seems the actual problem is your inability to recognize a brilliant idea when it's handed to you.
Dr. Linkletter: Is that so, you pedantic little gremlin?
Dr. John Sturgis: How dare you! Well, it's all just simple...
Adult Sheldon: My father was right. They were bringing the best out of each other, like steel sharpening steel.

Sheldon: [knocks on door] Missy, I know you're upset. Would you like a hot beverage?
Missy: [o.s.] Go away.
Adult Sheldon: Every culture has their taboos. In the Ukraine, it's rude to whistle indoors, and they're correct. Not a fan. In our society, any discussion of human reproduction seems to be so upsetting, it causes nothing but chaos. Lost jobs. Lost friends. Sleepless nights. Even the word "sex" provokes an uncomfortable reaction. I thought "fornicate" might work, but that seemed too judgy. Then I found the perfect word, a word so bland and clinical that it would be impossible to take offense to it.
Sheldon: "Coitus." That'll work.

Adult Sheldon: Engineering has a rich and storied history, dating back to ancient times. Some consider it the single most important field of study... Okay, w-wha... no. Stop. I'm sorry. Howard, I can't do this.
Howard Wolowitz: You asked me to write you an introduction to engineering.
Adult Sheldon: Yes, and if I wanted a comedy routine, I'd have gone to Billy Crystal.
Howard Wolowitz: Just let me read it. [clears throat] Engineering has a rich and storied history dating back to ancient times. Some consider it the single most important field of study known to man, from the wheel to the International Space Station, which I went to.
Adult Sheldon: Honestly, this again?
Howard Wolowitz: Like we don't hear about your Nobel Prize all the time.
Adult Sheldon: It's not my fault people ask about it.
Howard Wolowitz: Because you're always wearing it! You have it on right now.
Adult Sheldon: Look how shiny it is.
Howard Wolowitz: [sighs] Just tell your story.

Howard Wolowitz: Wait, so after all this time, that's your problem with engineering?
Adult Sheldon: Evidently.
Howard Wolowitz: So all the teasing and all the abuse had nothing to do with me?
Adult Sheldon: I'll admit, at first, I had a chip on my shoulder because of that class, but then it was mostly you.
Howard Wolowitz: Unbelievable. When will I learn?
Adult Sheldon: I could give you that answer, but if you figure it out for yourself, it'll mean so much more.
Howard Wolowitz: Goodbye, Sheldon.
Adult Sheldon: Bye.

Adult Sheldon: Of all the tests one takes in school, my favorite was the midterm. Finals weren't bad, but they also meant summer was approaching. I don't believe in religion, but sunshine, picnics and pool parties are proof hell exists.

Adult Sheldon: Over the next several days, my social experiment was providing clear-cut data about the benefits of being well-liked.
Matt: Hey, Sheldon. Heard you like these.
Sheldon: Thank you. It's the best watery chocolate milk on the market.
Matt: Thank you for letting me use your room.
Adult Sheldon: I suppose it was like the old saying, "I scratch your back, you scratch mine," which I actually have issues with. Why is your back itchy? A rash? Chicken pox? Scabies? Scratch your own back.

Adult Sheldon: It was the best spring break I ever had. Until my parents realized I was missing and I experienced something worse than the wrath of Khan, the wrath of Dad.

Adult Sheldon: Grown-ups and the elderly had always liked me, and now I had won over undergrads. Like a beloved board game, I'm fun for ages nine to 90.

Adult Sheldon: Scientific rivalries are a fact of life. When two competing scientists work on a project, it can devolve into an intellectual boxing match. Over the years, there's been a few classic heavyweight bouts. Newton and Leibniz. [bell ringing] Tesla and Edison. And in a lesser-known but equally brutal bout...
[fantasy:]
Announcer: Linkletter versus Sturgis, The Tussle with No Muscle. Let's see how they stack up in a tale of the tape. In the wire frame glasses, the Eureka from Topeka, Grant Linkletter. IQ: 159. Papers published: 272. Bedtime: 8:30. And his opponent, in his favorite sensible shoes, The Brain from Maine, John Burgess Sturgis! IQ: 162. Papers published: 221. Bedtime: 7:45 on weekdays, 9:00 on Saturday night. Fasten your thinking caps and let's get it on.

Adult Sheldon: My plan was coming together. I just needed to get on the shuttle so I could finally escape this ridiculous planet. Spoiler alert, I'm still here.

Adult Sheldon: After a quick burial behind the bar, we were back on the road. Dr. Sturgis tried to find some appropriate music for a proper send-off. Three Christian talk shows and a whole lot of static later, he settled on what he declared the Dixieland jazz of West Texas. ["El Son de la Negra / Guadalajara" playing] Mariachi.
Dr. John Sturgis: Vaya con dios, armadillo. Vaya con dios.

Adult Sheldon: For the spice rub, Meemaw had him drive to New Orleans to buy ground coffee from Cafe Du Monde, and seven ounces of something called "holy ghost root" from a voodoo woman named Madam Laveau.

Adult Sheldon: Finally, the cooking began. 14 hours of cooking. And basting. And spritzing. And tending to the fire.
George Sr.: Oh Rest, my darling. Rest.

Adult Sheldon: Sleep didn't come easy that night, knowing that, at any moment, I could be decapitated.
And as if that wasn't bad enough, the bed in my room had a dust ruffle, which, to my young mind, only meant one thing: there was dust.

Adult Sheldon: Money is a frequent source of conflict in a relationship.
Amy: Thankfully that's never been a problem for us.
Adult Sheldon: Says the woman who took away my comic book allowance.
Amy: Uh, to start a college fund for our children.
Adult Sheldon: Comic books are an investment.
Amy: There are better places to invest our money than that weird wolf man you like.
Adult Sheldon: His name is Wolverine and you know it.
Amy: Okay we're off on a tangent. I'm taking over. Money can be a source of conflict in a relationship, even having too much.
Adult Sheldon: Wh... Hey, this is my story.
Amy: I know. Jealous?

Adult Sheldon: Don't let the hug fool you. The minute she went home, he made me give him the recipe.