Adult Sheldon: Rules are the pillars of society. I love rules. But what benefit are rules to a dead man?

Adult Sheldon: I tried to explain to my parents that a mutant named Cyclops, who shoots laser beams out of his eyes, helped me eat a licorice stick. Went right over their heads.

Adult Sheldon: Science fact: sisters are the worst.

Adult Sheldon: Another hurdle in my political career was glossophobia: fear of public speaking.
I've been known to experience dry mouth, perspiration, heart palpitations, and fainting. A similar response to what I experience around unleashed dogs.

Adult Sheldon: I had survived a perilous trip to the accessory store, but it turned out, the real accessory was me.

Adult Sheldon: The next step was to go face-to-face with real dogs. Albeit through a plate-glass window.
Sheldon: Okay, that's enough.

Adult Sheldon: While my sister and I are twins, we've always been different. By the age of two, I was reading books. Missy was content to eat them. By five, I had a healthy appreciation for a well-organized work space. My sister, less so.

Adult Sheldon: As a child, I never understood the sacrifices my father made for his family's happiness, which made me somewhat less compassionate than I should've been.
Sheldon: Yay. We're not moving.

Adult Sheldon: For the record, the Oilers lost that game by four touchdowns. Meemaw never asked for my advice again.

Adult Sheldon: On any given day, our school gymnasium presented a cocktail of horrors. From daily humiliation to school-sanctioned violence. But one day a year, the gymnasium was transformed into a haven of learning thanks to a remarkable institution known as the science fair. A chance for the student body to come together in the name of research and progress. Uh, while some did the bare minimum, and others preferred razzamatazz over raw data, I set out to save humanity from deadly asteroids.
And made it all neatly fit on three poster boards. The science fair may be a competition, but when the goal is promoting knowledge, we're all winners.

Mary: So, good news. Paige is gonna spend the weekend with us.
Adult Sheldon: My history with Paige brought up complicated feelings. She challenged me. She disturbed me. She enraged me. Things were simpler for my simple-minded sister.
Missy: Yay!

Adult Sheldon: In Conquest of the Planet of the Apes, we learned how humans taught the apes to become civilized. Which I think should start with potty training, but I'm not a screenwriter.

Adult Sheldon: For most students, the weekend represented two days of fun, freedom, and in the case of my brother, a chance to ignore all forms of hygiene. But this wasn't a typical weekend, because this was the weekend I got to do my parents' taxes.
Sheldon: Howdy do, W-2.

Adult Sheldon: And finally, a close encounter of the third kind, physical contact with a member of the canine species.

Adult Sheldon: In my life, I've often been accused of being a physical coward, and for the most part, those accusations are correct. But there have been times when I've shown great courage. This was one of them.

Adult Sheldon: But, eventually, I did drift off, haunted by the memory, the three of us gathered around the piano singing hippie folk music.

[David Hasselhoff: Cowboy Aerobics:]
Cowgirl #1: All right, buckaroos, it's time for cowboy aerobics with...
Cowgirl #2: David Hasselhoff!
Cowgirl #1: David Hasselhoff!
David Hasselhoff: Who's ready to rustle up some muscles? [both whoo] Let's saddle up and ride.
Adult Sheldon: Thanks to The Hoff, the video was a smashing success.
David Hasselhoff: Who wants a beach body like the ones on Baywatch? Which I'm also in. Check your local listings.
Adult Sheldon: Unfortunately, Mr. Lundy put all his profits into a musical about his life, entitled: Live, Laugh, Lundy. He is poor to this day.

Adult Sheldon: My mom was my Christian soldier. And for the record, they descended when I was 15.

Adult Sheldon: Pastor Jeff and Officer Robin finally had their ceremony, which was nice for them, but meant I had to go to church on a Saturday and watch old people kiss.

Missy: Sheldon, if you don't get in here, - I'm gonna lick your toothbrush!
Sheldon: Coming!
Adult Sheldon: That's my sister. And she's done it before.