Adult Sheldon: [hushed] This is why the only bar I frequent is the Genius Bar at the Apple Store.

Adult Sheldon: I've heard people say fathers are the real superheroes. My dad couldn't fly or bend steel, and you would not want to see him in Spandex. But like Superman, he had his Fortress of Solitude.

Adult Sheldon: For many college kids, waiting in line for concert tickets is a rite of passage, and I was no different. Except, instead of rock and roll music, my concert was a lecture on black hole topology. Instead of a stage dive, I would dive into knowledge. Instead of guitar-shredding solos, I would witness universe-shredding hypotheses. And instead of a charismatic front man dazzling the audience, there would be... well, actually, the exact same thing.

Adult Sheldon: I may have promised Paige I wouldn't tell my mother. Thankfully, Missy didn't. I don't know what lip gloss flavor says "mature," but that would be my sister.
Mary: Paige?
Missy: Where is she?
Sheldon: There's a note. "Sheldon, thank you for letting me stay here, but I have to go. I'm happy you're doing well. I need to find that for myself somewhere. I hope I can. Your friend, Paige."
Adult Sheldon: After a few frantic nights, Paige showed up at her mom's. They had a lot to figure out. Being a parent isn't easy. I know I made life difficult for my family. And my own kids do the same to me. Just yesterday, I had to take my son Leonard to the skate park, like a regular park isn't bad enough. It's safe to say, having children is challenging.

Adult Sheldon: Paige made me realize that maybe I wasn't the loner I thought I was. Maybe I was a social butterfly, or a social animal less horrifying than a butterfly. Get it off the screen. But the point is, I was becoming a people person.
Sheldon: You again?
Paige: Well, hello to you, too.

Adult Sheldon: My mother would say money is the root of all evil. But she also said that about The Simpsons. I say money is just a medium of exchange, a way of transforming something into something else. My meemaw bought a sports car and transformed a relationship in the process. My sister transformed her money into a thriving business that was eventually shut down due to an infestation.
Missy: Ew.
Adult Sheldon: And for a brief moment, I became part of my dream company. Fun fact: later that year, RadioShack did open a megastore called Incredible Universe. Turned out the only thing incredible about it was how quickly it closed down. Oopsie.

Adult Sheldon: Today I thought we could talk about relationships, so I've invited my lovely wife Amy to help.
Amy: Thanks for letting me join in.
Adult Sheldon: Are you jealous when I do this without you?
Amy: No.
Adult Sheldon: Because one of the most common sources of conflict in relationships is jealousy. Now, Amy, did you know jealousy is triggered in the left part of the cerebral cortex?
Amy: I'm sorry, are you about to explain neuroscience to your wife, the Nobel Prize-winning neuroscientist?
Adult Sheldon: Yes. Jealous?
Amy: I'll tell you when there isn't a microphone in front of us.
Adult Sheldon: Ooh, mystery. That'll keep a relationship on its toes.
Amy: Your bathroom schedule is on the refrigerator. We have no mystery.
Adult Sheldon: Moving on, physical intimacy. I believe I said "physical intimacy," [title card changes] which can pose another challenge in relationships.
Amy: Especially when one partner doesn't want to be intimate as frequently as the other.
Adult Sheldon: Ooh, who are we talking about? [stammers] Don't tell me. Let the mystery continue.
Amy: Just read the next one.

Adult Sheldon: Money is a frequent source of conflict in a relationship.
Amy: Thankfully that's never been a problem for us.
Adult Sheldon: Says the woman who took away my comic book allowance.
Amy: Uh, to start a college fund for our children.
Adult Sheldon: Comic books are an investment.
Amy: There are better places to invest our money than that weird wolf man you like.
Adult Sheldon: His name is Wolverine and you know it.
Amy: Okay we're off on a tangent. I'm taking over. Money can be a source of conflict in a relationship, even having too much.
Adult Sheldon: Wh... Hey, this is my story.
Amy: I know. Jealous?

Adult Sheldon: After a quick burial behind the bar, we were back on the road. Dr. Sturgis tried to find some appropriate music for a proper send-off. Three Christian talk shows and a whole lot of static later, he settled on what he declared the Dixieland jazz of West Texas. ["El Son de la Negra / Guadalajara" playing] Mariachi.
Dr. John Sturgis: Vaya con dios, armadillo. Vaya con dios.

Adult Sheldon: Dr. Lee had commandeered the project, and Drs. Linkletter and Sturgis were okay with it. Everyone was being mean, and I was out of my depth. I needed advice on how to proceed. Thankfully, I was mere feet away from the person who had been mean to me since she tried strangling me with her umbilical cord. [Sheldon knocks on Missy's door]
Missy: What?

Adult Sheldon: The next evening, I put my plan into action. I was just like Captain Kirk, if Captain Kirk had to bum a ride from his meemaw. All I needed to do was get into Dr. Lee's office and swap the coordinates. Nothing could stop me. [door is locked]
Sheldon: Dang it.

Adult Sheldon: My sister thought I was in an unwinnable situation, but I knew someone else who faced a no-win scenario and prevailed: one James Tiberius Kirk. The Kobayashi Maru was a simulation designed to be unbeatable, but Kirk snuck in and reprogrammed it so he could win. All I needed to do was put my scanning coordinates into Dr. Lee's radio telescope to prove I was correct. It was time for my sneaky face.

President Hagemeyer: Well, what did you do?
Dr. Lee: Well, eventually I realized, [chuckles] I'm an experimental physicist. I can build anything I want to protect my work.
[As Sheldon turns on Dr. Lee's computer, an alarm blares. A cloud of colorful powder is blown at Sheldon's face, making him cough as a picture is taken of him.]
Dr. Lee: And thanks to my kids, I am very familiar with the movie Home Alone. [both laugh]
Adult Sheldon: After a lot of apologizing, a little begging and a note from my mother, I was allowed to keep my role on the team. When Captain Kirk faced the no-win scenario, he didn't have blue and yellow snot for a week.
Sheldon: [sneezes] Ew.

Adult Sheldon: Scientific rivalries are a fact of life. When two competing scientists work on a project, it can devolve into an intellectual boxing match. Over the years, there's been a few classic heavyweight bouts. Newton and Leibniz. [bell ringing] Tesla and Edison. And in a lesser-known but equally brutal bout...
[fantasy:]
Announcer: Linkletter versus Sturgis, The Tussle with No Muscle. Let's see how they stack up in a tale of the tape. In the wire frame glasses, the Eureka from Topeka, Grant Linkletter. IQ: 159. Papers published: 272. Bedtime: 8:30. And his opponent, in his favorite sensible shoes, The Brain from Maine, John Burgess Sturgis! IQ: 162. Papers published: 221. Bedtime: 7:45 on weekdays, 9:00 on Saturday night. Fasten your thinking caps and let's get it on.

Adult Sheldon: I was learning to enjoy the perks of university life, including a dorm to study and nap in. And since this was college, I was even allowed to have girls in my room.
Mary: Here we go. Nice and clean.
Sheldon: Did you use the unscented detergent?
Mary: You've got a nose. Sniff it yourself.
Adult Sheldon: I even had my own bathroom, which gave me the perfect place to store my impressive collection of sunscreens and bug repellents. However, one thing I would never get used to was college students' love of blasting rock and roll music. [video game music playing]

Adult Sheldon: Grown-ups and the elderly had always liked me, and now I had won over undergrads. Like a beloved board game, I'm fun for ages nine to 90.

Adult Sheldon: My sister suggested I "go wild," so I decided to heed her advice and do the craziest thing I could think of... Take a walk outside.

Adult Sheldon: It was the best spring break I ever had. Until my parents realized I was missing and I experienced something worse than the wrath of Khan, the wrath of Dad.

Adult Sheldon: There were certain status symbols in Texas that indicated you were a success. A rodeo champion belt buckle... Or as I call it, the Redneck Nobel Prize. Custom-built ostrich skin boots. One less giant running bird in the world is fine by this cowpoke. And possibly the ultimate status symbol... The pink Cadillac, driven by an elite Mary Kay super seller.

Mary: [o.s.] Sheldon? Where are you?
Pastor Rob: [o.s.] Sheldon?
Adult Sheldon: That night began my winning streak at sardines. Every lock-in, every birthday party, someone suggested we play, and I won every time.
Mary: Sheldon!
Adult Sheldon: I'm the king of sardines.