Missy: Fine, Paige and I can share my bed.
Mary: You okay with that, Shelly?
Sheldon: I trust you two will stay quiet throughout the evening and go to sleep at the appropriate time?
Missy: Absolutely.
Sheldon: All right, then. I'm okay with it, Mom.
Meemaw: How is he ever gonna get through this world?

Ms. Hutchins: Need any help there, Sheldon?
Sheldon: I'm looking for some books on education theory.
Ms. Hutchins: What for?
Sheldon: I'm trying to develop a technique to teach someone who falls into the conventional category of "stupid."
Ms. Hutchins: Oh. Well, now, there's a wide range of stupid. Can you narrow it down?
Sheldon: She wrote a fan letter to Alf.
Ms. Hutchins: Got it. So you're looking to make a pretty radical change.
Sheldon: Well, ideally, I'd like to wipe my sister's brain clean and start over, but my mom wouldn't like that.
Ms. Hutchins: Yeah. Moms are no fun.

Sheldon: Anyway, I've been doing some research, and I've come to the conclusion that I don't need to teach you anything. You already know everything.
Missy: Cool.
Sheldon: Your brain already contains all the math that will ever be known.
Missy: I heard you and I said "cool."
Sheldon: Well, wouldn't you like to explore that great treasure trove of knowledge?
Missy: That depends. What's a trove?
Sheldon: We'll circle back to that.

Sheldon: According to B.F. Skinner, if I can find the appropriate punishment to motivate Missy, there's no limit to what she might be able to learn. But what might that punishment be? Whip her with a rubber hose? No. That sounds like a recipe for tendinitis. Administer small electric shocks? Tricky. If I get the voltage wrong, I could spend the rest of my life in an institution for the criminally insane. Or I inflict harm on the object she loves more than life itself. Celeste, you're about to become part of scientific history.

Sheldon: I'm having trouble deciding between pudding and Jell-O.
George Sr.: Well, decide what you want, and then open it.
Sheldon: But I need the visual input. Does the pudding have a skin? Plus, it's good fun jiggling the Jell-O.

Tommy: What is your problem?
Sheldon: Oh, I don't have a problem. You should probably wash your hands. I just witnessed an altercation between you and Georgie Cooper.
Tommy: Altercation?
Sheldon: A confrontation, a tussle. Anyway, I'd just like to gather more information for sociological purposes.
Tommy: Oh, I heard about you, you're that smart kid.
Sheldon: I'd like to be humble in this moment, but yes, that's me. Sheldon Cooper, at your service.

Sheldon: I figured out why the violin worked for Einstein and not for me. I need to become a Jewish person.

Sheldon: Hey, did everybody see there's a sale at RadioShack on nine-volt batteries? It's a golden opportunity to stock up.

Dr. Bowers: So, you don't need to worry about needles 'cause we're gonna put you under for the procedure.
Sheldon: No, thank you. There are risks associated with anesthesia.
Dr. Bowers: Feel free to jump in.
Mary: Are there any other options?
Dr. Bowers: Well, he could stay awake for it, but we'd have to give him novocaine.
Sheldon: No needles. Just pull the tooth.
Sheldon: [exhaling rhythmically]
Dr. Bowers: Okay. Just so you know, I'm gonna be using this.
Sheldon: Drugs, please.

Meemaw: How was your first day?
Sheldon: Infuriating.
[cut to:]
Mary: How was your first day?
Missy: So good.
[cut to:]
George Sr.: How was your first day? [Georgie is wearing headphones]

Dr. Linkletter: Hello?
Sheldon: Dr. Linkletter? [Dr. Linkletter sighs] Sheldon Cooper. I'm calling to apologize. I shouldn't have quit. I made a commitment, and I need to see it through.
Dr. Linkletter: I appreciate that, but there's no need.
Sheldon: There is. It's important to me, as well as my father.
Dr. Linkletter: Fine.
Sheldon: Excellent. Don't worry, I won't overstep my bounds. I give you my word as a Texan.
Dr. Linkletter: Great.
Sheldon: And a man.
Dr. Linkletter: Very good.
Sheldon: Well, a future man. At present, my hormones and body hair aren't exactly what you'd call...
Dr. Linkletter: Good night. [hangs up]

Sheldon: [answers phone] Cooper residence.
President Hagemeyer: Sheldon, President Hagemeyer again. Just calling to make sure it all worked out with Dr. Linkletter.
Sheldon: Yes, everything went quite well. Although he was a tad irritable.
President Hagemeyer: Maybe because I ripped him a new one. [chuckles]
Sheldon: A new what?
President Hagemeyer: Not important. Uh, whatever you need for classes, you just say the word.
Sheldon: I suppose it could be helpful if I could dial into the university's server while still on the phone with my professors.
President Hagemeyer: Like a second phone line? We can take care of that.
Sheldon: Well, as my meemaw would say, "Aren't you just a spoonful of sugar?"
[meanwhile:]
Mary: [busy tone droning] Who is he talking to all this time?
[back:]
President Hagemeyer: And if there's anything else you need, you just let me know.
Sheldon: I can't think of anything except that I wanted Strawberry Quik and my brother put the empty milk carton back in the fridge.
President Hagemeyer: Ah, brothers, they're the worst. Mine's an environmental activist. [Sheldon groans]

Mary: Hey. Pastor Jeff is here. You up for some company?
George Sr.: You bet! [to Sheldon] Got to talk to the pastor. Git.
Pastor Jeff: Hey, George, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Excuse me, I have to "git."

Dr. Lee: I was carrying pulsers 75 feet up a wet metal ladder when there was an earthquake. [chuckles] So, I am hanging on for dear life...
Sheldon: Ooh, we should set up several radio telescopes on different rooftops in an array.
Dr. Lee: [Mandarin: "Does this kid have an off switch?"]
Dr. John Sturgis: You speak Mandarin.
Dr. Linkletter: [Mandarin: "I do. I take it you do as well?"]
Dr. John Sturgis: [Mandarin: "Yes. And Sheldon doesn't have an off switch..."]
Sheldon: I heard my name. What are they saying?
Dr. Linkletter: I don't speak Mandarin. Just a little French.
Dr. Lee: Oh, really? [French: "I asked if Sheldon has an off switch."]
Dr. Linkletter: Ha! [French: "I wish he did!"] [laughter]
Sheldon: Well, does anyone here speak Klingon? [Klingon: "Where do you keep the chocolate?"]

Sheldon: [on the phone] Well, I'll just tell you, then. Imagine an electronics megastore. Actually, "mega" doesn't cut it. Imagine an electronics yottastore. Yotta. It's ten to the 24th power. No, don't put me on hold. [groans]

Mary: Shelly, you don't really need a tie.
Sheldon: I have to find my tie. I have to find my tie.
Mary: Be right back.
Sheldon: Professor Proton wears a bow-tie!

Libby: You have a beautiful home.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Mary: Thank you.

Sheldon: I'll be in my room.
Mary: Oh, come on, Shelly. You still got an honorable mention.
Sheldon: Stop reminding me.

Dr. Goetsch: Now, Sheldon, I understand you've changed your mind about being a scientist.
Sheldon: And you're gonna say I can't?
Dr. Goetsch: No. I think that's great.
Sheldon: You do?
Dr. Goetsch: Yeah. I think it's important to keep your options open. Let me tell you a little story about an extremely smart young boy.
Sheldon: Me?

Sheldon: Hello, Nora.
Nora: Hey, there's my favorite patient! What hurts today?
Sheldon: Tummy troubles.
Nora: Oh, no. Sorry to hear it. Let me grab your file.