Sheldon Quotes

Quote from the episode A Mother, a Child, and a Blue Man's Backside

Mrs. Costello: Okay, let's see. What about Caltech in Pasadena?
Sheldon: I can't see myself living in California. I don't trust their carefree lifestyle.

Quote from the episode Pilot

Sheldon: (Observing the older kids outside the High School) Oh dear.

Quote from the episode Dolomite, Apple Slices, and a Mystery Woman

George Sr.: Sheldon, I need to get in there.
Sheldon: Poop at Meemaw's!

Quote from the episode Dolomite, Apple Slices, and a Mystery Woman

Sheldon: Thank you.
Libby: Happy to help.
Sheldon: Is there any chance you'd be available to stand guard at 1:45?
Libby: You have a bathroom schedule?
Sheldon: You don't?

Quote from the episode Dolomite, Apple Slices, and a Mystery Woman

Sheldon: I've been giving geology some more thought.
Tam: Yeah, and?
Sheldon: I've decided it's not really a science.
Tam: It's not?
Sheldon: No, it's more like a hobby. Rock collecting. Childish, really.
Tam: I can see that.

Quote from the episode Pilot

Mary: Everybody excited to start school Monday?
Sheldon: I am.
Missy: I guess so.
Mary: Georgie? Freshman year, that's a big deal.
George Jr.: How can I be excited when he's gonna be in the same grade as me?
Sheldon: Don't worry, Georgie. I'm not planning on being in the ninth grade for very long.

Quote from the episode Dolomite, Apple Slices, and a Mystery Woman

Sheldon: Hello.
Libby: Hello.
Sheldon: My name is Sheldon.
Libby: Yeah, you're Sheldon Cooper.
Sheldon: You know who I am?
Libby: Well, there's only one nine-year-old in high school, and you still have your baby teeth.
Sheldon: [to Tam] She knows who I am. It's going well.

Quote from the episode A Therapist, a Comic Book, and a Breakfast Sausage

Adult Sheldon: They say, in the final moments, your life passes before your eyes. All I saw was my brother licking jelly off the knife and putting it back in the jar. [Sheldon coughs up the sausage]
Mary: Okay, it's better now. Sheldon, honey, are you okay? Can you breathe? Say something!
Sheldon: You have to throw away that jelly.

Quote from the episode Potato Salad, a Broomstick, and Dad's Whiskey

Missy: How come you're not eating your snack?
Sheldon: I prefer my snack to be a reward for homework well done.
Missy: You're like an old person.
Sheldon: Thank you.

Quote from the episode Dolomite, Apple Slices, and a Mystery Woman

Sheldon: You're gonna be a geologist. That's fascinating. Why'd you choose that?
Libby: When I was a little girl, my grandparents took me to Carlsbad Caverns, and I was hooked.
Tam: Exploring caves, that is super cool.
Sheldon: Disagree. Dark, enclosed spaces are terrifying. I get scared putting on a sweatshirt.
Libby: Hmm.
Tam: I've seen it. Pretty entertaining.

Quote from the episode A Solar Calculator, a Game Ball, and a Cheerleader's Bosom

Sheldon: Well, I'm glad you're enjoying it.
Tam: You're not?
Sheldon: I was touched 82 times this afternoon.
Tam: What do you mean, "touched"?
Sheldon: Not inappropriately. Joyfully. Affectionately. A cheerleader hugged me to her bosom.
Tam: That's amazing. [goes to high five Sheldon]
Sheldon: No more high fives. I can't keep washing my hands.

Quote from the episode A Loaf of Bread and a Grand Old Flag

Sheldon: I was shocked to learn that the Happy Hearth Home Bakeries had been bought out by the Domestic Food Corporation, and they started making their bread faster and cheaper.
Anchor: And you don't like that, do you?
Sheldon: No.
Anchor: And you're collecting signatures to make them stop.
Sheldon: I am. Corporations shouldn't be allowed to make these decisions on their own.
Anchor: Well, who should?
Sheldon: The people who eat the bread. This wouldn't happen if there were centralized control over all these big corporations.
Anchor: Are you suggesting a communist form of government in Texas?
Sheldon: I suppose I am.
Meemaw: Hang on a sec-
Anchor: There you have it. Local boy Sheldon Cooper says communism is what Texas needs.
George Sr.: Oh, dear God.

Quote from the episode A Loaf of Bread and a Grand Old Flag

Tam: Are the goggles necessary?
Sheldon: No, but they really set the mood.

Quote from the episode A Loaf of Bread and a Grand Old Flag

Sheldon: Yes, I do understand we're in the middle of a cold war. But have you seen how many people wait in line for bread in Moscow? It stands to reason their bread must be great.

Quote from the episode A Loaf of Bread and a Grand Old Flag

Mary: Sheldon, hang up the phone. It's dinner time.
Sheldon: Be right there, Mom.I'm do ing battle with corporate America.

Quote from the episode A Research Study and Czechoslovakian Wedding Pastries

Dr. Edward Pilson: Okay, Sheldon, this first battery of tests measures basic problem-solving abilities.
Sheldon: Is the Kaufman test or the Wechsler Intelligence Scale?
Dr. Edward Pilson: Are you familiar with those?
Sheldon: It's embarrassing, but I enjoy a little light reading in the bathroom.

Quote from the episode Summer Sausage, a Pocket Poncho, and Tony Danza

Mary: Sheldon?
Sheldon: Dr. Sturgis, welcome.
Dr. John Sturgis: Thank you, Sheldon.
Mary: Sheldon, you think you might've let me know you invited company over for dinner?
Sheldon: I did think about it, but I was afraid you might say no.

Quote from the episode Killer Asteroids, Oklahoma, and a Frizzy Hair Machine

Sheldon: Attention, students and faculty. This is Sheldon Lee Cooper. We're taught that hard work pays off, but that's not true. I came up with a solution to save Earth from killer asteroids, and lost the science fair to SueAnn Ludlow, and her frizzy hair machine. But it wasn't just me who lost, we all lost. Wake up, people. The system's broken. Real innovation isn't valued. Nowadays, it's all about flash and style.
I blame MTV. Luckily, my parents can't afford cable. I urge you all to rise up. They can't send everyone to the principal's office. Chew gum in class, use a number one pencil, go nuts. This is Sheldon Lee Cooper signing off. Live long and prosper.

Quote from the episode A Broken Heart and a Crock Monster

Sheldon: Oh, hello, is this the Nelson residence? Oh, good. I'm Sheldon Cooper, the executive assistant secretary at the First Baptist Church of Medford. I'm looking through our donation records, and I've noticed that you've tapered off a bit. Well, yes, your children's education is expensive, but so is running a church. Oh, boy! I'll be sure to tell the pastor. Goodbye. [hangs up phone] That earned a sip of Yoo-hoo.

Quote from the episode Family Dynamics and a Red Fiero

Meemaw: You want to tell me what happened?
Sheldon: Instead of remaining a neutral observer, I got emotional in front of the whole class.
Meemaw: Well, that's not a big deal.
Sheldon: Yes, it is. I'm a scientist. You never hear about Newton crying like a baby when he got brutalized by an apple.