Sheldon Quotes

Quote from the episode A Sneeze, Detention, and Sissy Spacek

Sheldon: Why do you keep smiling?
Mary: You need to look at your mask, baby.
Sheldon: Missy!

Quote from the episode Poker, Faith, and Eggs

Pastor Jeff: Yes, Sheldon.
Sheldon: You said he didn't create the sun until day four.
Pastor Jeff: Yeah.
Sheldon: So how could there be light the first three days?
Pastor Jeff: God is light.
Sheldon: So God's a photon?
Pastor Jeff: God's what made photons possible.
Sheldon: And what day did he do that?
Pastor Jeff: I would think day one.

Quote from the episode Cape Canaveral, Schrodinger's Cat, and Cyndi Lauper's Hair

George Sr.: Can I tell you a secret? I never understood how lightning works.
Sheldon: Didn't they teach you that in high school?
George Sr.: They probably did, but I got hit in the head a lot playing football. Would you explain it to me?
Sheldon: Well, when positive and negative charges grow large enough, a giant spark occurs in the cloud.
George Sr.: Ah, that-that's pretty cool. What causes the thunder?
Sheldon: It's a shock wave from particles heated to 10,000 degrees.
George Sr.: Interesting.
Sheldon: You want to know what's really interesting? Aristotle thought that the sound of thunder was due to a collision between two clouds. He believed the clouds were expelling air, in the way a log on a fire crackles-

Quote from the episode A Therapist, a Comic Book, and a Breakfast Sausage

Adult Sheldon: They say, in the final moments, your life passes before your eyes. All I saw was my brother licking jelly off the knife and putting it back in the jar. [Sheldon coughs up the sausage]
Mary: Okay, it's better now. Sheldon, honey, are you okay? Can you breathe? Say something!
Sheldon: You have to throw away that jelly.

Quote from the episode Dolomite, Apple Slices, and a Mystery Woman

Sheldon: Whoa. That girl just took a book on geostatistics.
Tam: Yeah, so?
Sheldon: That's not required reading for any science course.
Tam: Maybe she wants to squash a spider with it.
Sheldon: No, look, she's reading it. Who is this mystery woman?
Tam: Should we invite her to have lunch with us?
Sheldon: I don't know. So far, it's just been you and me, and we know that works. Do we really want to mess with success?
Tam: We could think of it as an experiment.
Sheldon: Oh, you do know how to push my buttons.

Quote from the episode Dolomite, Apple Slices, and a Mystery Woman

Tam: All right, go ask her.
Sheldon: Why me?
Tam: Your lack of testosterone makes you adorable to women.
Sheldon: I can't argue with that.

Quote from the episode Dolomite, Apple Slices, and a Mystery Woman

Libby: What do you want?
Sheldon: Would you like to have lunch with me and my friend?
Libby: Why?
Sheldon: Why else? So we can have a spirited conversation about geostatistics.
Libby: You really are as smart as everybody says.
Sheldon: My teeth are small, but my prefrontal cortex is enormous.

Quote from the episode A Dog, a Squirrel, and a Fish Named Fish

Meemaw: Here, have some tea.
Sheldon: Chamomile?
Meemaw: Yes.
Sheldon: One teaspoon of honey?
Meemaw: Yes.
Sheldon: An ice cube to cool it off?
Meemaw: I went with two today. You've been through enough.
Sheldon: [drinking] I prefer one ice cube.
Meemaw: Drink it.

Quote from the episode A Crisis of Faith and Octopus Aliens

Mary: Sheldon, faith means believing in something you can't know for sure is real. And right now, I am struggling with that.
Sheldon: So you don't believe in God anymore?
Mary: That isn't something for you to worry about. I need to figure this out myself.
Sheldon: Can I help? Maybe I could provide a fresh perspective.
Mary: I don't think so, baby.
Sheldon: Did you know that if gravity were slightly more powerful, the universe would collapse into a ball?
Mary: I did not.
Sheldon: Also, if gravity were slightly less powerful, the universe would fly apart and there would be no stars or planets.
Mary: Where you going with this, Sheldon?
Sheldon: It's just that gravity is precisely as strong as it needs to be. And if the ratio of the electromagnetic force to the strong force wasn't one percent, life wouldn't exist. What are the odds that would happen all by itself?
Mary: Why are you trying to convince me to believe in God? You don't believe in God.
Sheldon: I don't, but the precision of the universe at least makes it logical to conclude there's a creator.
Mary: Baby, I appreciate what you're trying to do, but logic is here. And my problem is here.
Sheldon: Well, there are 5 billion people on this planet and you're the perfect mom for me. What are the odds of that?

Quote from the episode An Eagle Feather, a String Bean, and an Eskimo

Flora: I must tell you, in all the years I've been here, I have never seen such glowing letters of recommendation from a student's teachers.
George Sr.: Well, that's real nice to hear.
Flora: Now, listen to this: "Putting aside his superior intellect, Sheldon is a delight to have in the class.
He's fun-loving, easy to get along with, and always ready to help another student."
Sheldon: That doesn't sound like me at all.
Mary: Sure it does, sweetie.

Quote from the episode Pilot

George Sr.: You're not gonna make it in this school if you keep ratting people out.
Sheldon: But they were breaking the grooming codes and the dress codes. I saw one boy with a t-shirt that said *leaning in and whispering* "Bite me".
George Sr.: Yeah, that's terrible.
*Sheldon nods*

Quote from the episode A Patch, a Modem, and a Zantac

Sheldon: Hello, First National Bank. I'd like to speak with a loan officer. It's regarding a second mortgage on my home. My name is Sheldon Lee Cooper. Sure, I'll hold. Oh, I hate hold music.

Quote from the episode Dolomite, Apple Slices, and a Mystery Woman

Libby: What are you doing?
Sheldon: I need to use the bathroom, but it can get uncivilized in there.
Libby: Anyone in there now?
Sheldon: I don't know. I was afraid to find out.
Libby: Anybody in here? Go ahead. I'll stand guard.
Sheldon: Where have you been all my life?

Quote from the episode Dolomite, Apple Slices, and a Mystery Woman

Sheldon: Thank you.
Libby: Happy to help.
Sheldon: Is there any chance you'd be available to stand guard at 1:45?
Libby: You have a bathroom schedule?
Sheldon: You don't?

Quote from the episode Dolomite, Apple Slices, and a Mystery Woman

Mary: Hey. I want to talk to you.
Sheldon: Hold on. Let me bring this into the station so as not to disappoint my commuters. They'd like to get home to their families.

Quote from the episode A Dog, a Squirrel, and a Fish Named Fish

Sheldon: He licked me! He licked me! The dog licked my tongue! I can still taste it! Call 911!

Quote from the episode A Dog, a Squirrel, and a Fish Named Fish

Mary: How's it going in there, baby?
Sheldon: [gargling, spits] Okay, but we're gonna need more Listerine.

Quote from the episode Rockets, Communists, and the Dewey Decimal System

Sheldon: Hello, George.
George Sr.: What?
Sheldon: I do admire your thick head of hair George.
George Sr.: Thanks. What's going on?
Sheldon: Well, I'm practicing the principles in this book.
George Sr.: Why?
Sheldon: Well, I know Mom is concerned that I don't have any friends, so I'm determined to remedy the situation.
George Sr.: Oh.
Sheldon: George.
George Sr.: Well, good for you.
Sheldon: Do you feel complimented when I say your name, George? The book says you should. George.
George Sr.: I suppose. Kind of overdoing it a little, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Well, thank you for your criticism. It also says I should praise any improvements that you've made.
George Sr.: Okay.
Sheldon: I'll get back to you. George.

Quote from the episode A Mother, a Child, and a Blue Man's Backside

Mrs. Costello: Um, how about MIT in Boston?
Sheldon: Do they have a strong physics program?
Mrs. Costello: They're more of an engineering school.
Sheldon: Next.

Quote from the episode A Mother, a Child, and a Blue Man's Backside

Mrs. Costello: Are you interested in applying to a safety school in case you don't get in?
Sheldon: Safety school. You're funny.