Sheldon: So if God's plan is to save all of the universe, that means a race of octopus aliens light-years away could only be saved by Jesus?
Pastor Jeff: Sure.
Sheldon: Even though they never would've heard of him?
Pastor Jeff: Yes.
Sheldon: Even though his appearance might be terrifying to them?
Pastor Jeff: Why would his appearance be terrifying?
Sheldon: He has four limbs and they have eight.

Pastor Jeff: Sheldon, if these creatures were born without sin, they don't need to be saved by Jesus.
Sheldon: What if an octopus Adam and Eve brought sin to their world? Would they be saved by a human Jesus or an octopus Jesus?

Sheldon: Meemaw, could you take me to Radio Shack?
Meemaw: Sure, maybe later.
Sheldon: Later's a little vague. Could you please be more specific?
Meemaw: When I'm good and ready. How's that?
Sheldon: Better, but I'd really like to nail this down.

Mary: Sorry, sweetheart, I can't today. I have to bring this food over to the Hanson family. Then I have my new prayer group. And after that, I'm gonna get started on a faith garden in the backyard.
George: A faith garden? What the hell is that?
Mary: Language. It's an outdoorsy place for me to speak to God.
Missy: Don't you already speak to him indoorsy?
Mary: Yes, but in the backyard, I can enjoy the beautiful world he gave us.
Sheldon: You can also smell the Sparks' chicken coop.

George: Good night. Sweet dreams.
Missy: Mom gives us kisses.
George: Fine.
Missy: Mm, your beard is scratchy.
George: Too bad. Sheldon?
Sheldon: I respectfully pass.

Missy: Now you're cooking breakfast for us?
George: Your mom's not feeling well.
Sheldon: [covering his mouth] Is she contagious?
George: No. Just tired.
Sheldon: Did you check her for ticks?
George: Soon as she wakes up.
Sheldon: You can check her while she's asleep.
George: Sit down!

Sheldon: "If you were not covered by a retirement plan, but your spouse was, see the worksheet on page 14." Try and stop me.

Mary: I've been buying groceries for the church food drive. I think that's it.
Sheldon: Ooh, I bet I could write that off, including the gas it took to drive to the grocery store and then to the church.
George: With all that driving, maybe she can count her car as a home office.
Sheldon: Sounds aggressive, but I like how you're thinking.

Sheldon: I balanced the rest of the account, and it appears to be a check for $300.
George: All right, well, let's just put it down for $300 for miscellaneous.
Sheldon: I've never labeled anything miscellaneous in my life.

George: What do you say we keep this quiet?
Sheldon: You mean like a secret?
George: No, no, just, you know, something between you and me.
Sheldon: What about Mom?
George: Mom is on a need-to-know basis.
Sheldon: What if Mom needs to know?
George: Okay, it's a secret. Just trust me. It is better for everyone if she doesn't know about this.
Sheldon: But I'm not good at keeping secrets.
George: It's not hard. Just keep your mouth shut.
Sheldon: But I'm not good at keeping my mouth shut.

Adult Sheldon: There was only so much food I could eat, so I started avoiding my mother whenever possible.
George: [OPENING A CUPBOARD AND FINDING SHELDON] What are you doing in there?
Sheldon: [WHISPERING] Keeping your secret.
George: You got to pull it together.
Sheldon: This is me pulling it together.
George: Pull harder.

Adult Sheldon: Avoiding my mother in our own house was proving to be difficult, so it was time to get creative.
Sheldon: Hello. I'd like to book a room in your hotel. I'd be arriving tonight. No, it's just me. Ooh, a queen bed, that sounds fancy. And how much would this room cost? Wow. Is that per month? Per day? By any chance, do you have a children's rate?

George: So your first sleepover. Pretty exciting, huh?
Sheldon: No. It's not exciting, it's constipating, and I'm only doing it to avoid Mom.

Tam: Okay, whenever you're ready.
Sheldon: What are you doing?
Tam: I'm assuming the position.
Sheldon: Okay. Forgive me, Tam, for I have sinned. This is my first confession.
Tam: I forgive you, my son.
Sheldon: I was doing my parents' taxes and noticed a check was missing. I asked my father about it-
Adult Sheldon: As I walked Tam through the whole sordid affair, I could feel a weight lifting off my shoulders. It was a relief to finally unburden myself of this deception. By the time I reached the end, I felt like a new person.
Sheldon: That's the whole story.
Tam: Cool. Can we play now?
Adult Sheldon: And now that my conscience had been cleared, my colon was ready to do the same.
Sheldon: Excuse me. I need to use your bathroom!

Sheldon: Get it! Get it!
Missy: It's just a spider. Calm down.
Sheldon: It's got eight legs and fangs. I see no reason to be calm.