Sheldon Quotes

Quote from the episode A Secret Letter and a Lowly Disc of Processed Meat

[As Sheldon finally retrieves the errant piece of hot dog meat from under the refrigerator:]
Sheldon: Whew. That was driving me crazy. Thank you for getting me into college.

Quote from the episode A Secret Letter and a Lowly Disc of Processed Meat

[on the "Why Sheldon Cooper Should Go to College" tape:]
Sheldon: Sheldon Cooper, ready for college, ready to change the world.
George Sr.: Cut.
Sheldon: If that doesn't convince her, I don't know what her problem is.

Quote from the episode A Secret Letter and a Lowly Disc of Processed Meat

Sheldon: Thank you for this opportunity to plead my case. And I'd like to thank my cameraman and driver, Dad.
George Sr.: What, I'm not even, like, assistant director?
Sheldon: No. Sit back, enjoy.

Quote from the episode A Secret Letter and a Lowly Disc of Processed Meat

Sheldon: Now you don't want me to go to college either?
George Sr.: I didn't say that. I'm just saying, given how young you are, we need to be realistic.
Sheldon: I'll have you know I recently took care of my own boo-boo.
George Sr.: And as grown-up as that makes you sound, I don't think it's gonna convince your mother.
Sheldon: What will convince her?
George Sr.: I don't know, but I'm sure between the two of us, we can come up with a plan.
Sheldon: Well, you managed to get her to marry you, so you do have a track record.

Quote from the episode A Secret Letter and a Lowly Disc of Processed Meat

George Sr.: You ready?
Sheldon: Yes.
George Sr.: Okay, we're rolling.
Sheldon: Hello, Mother. I'd like to present my case as to why I should be allowed to go to East Texas Tech next year. And I'll keep it simple so you don't get confused.
George Sr.: Stop.
Sheldon: Something in my teeth?

Quote from the episode A Secret Letter and a Lowly Disc of Processed Meat

Sheldon: I've put together a presentation detailing the reasons why I should be allowed to go to college, and I'd like you to watch it with an open mind.
Mary: I can do that.
Sheldon: Excellent. Is Meemaw here? I smell cigarettes.

Quote from the episode A Secret Letter and a Lowly Disc of Processed Meat

[on the video tape:]
Sheldon: Hello. I'm Sheldon Cooper, and this is Why Sheldon Cooper Should Go to College. I realize attending college in another state or country is unrealistic at this time. Which is why I'm proposing that I live at home but enroll full-time to continue my studies with Dr. Sturgis at East Texas Tech. I firmly believe that I'm ready for this next step in my academic life. But don't just take it from me...

Quote from the episode A Secret Letter and a Lowly Disc of Processed Meat

George Sr.: So, we agree that the only way this is gonna happen right now is if you stay local.
Sheldon: I can always go away for grad school someday. And truth be told, I don't have the emotional maturity to squish my own bugs.

Quote from the episode A Secret Letter and a Lowly Disc of Processed Meat

Mary: Hey. What are you doing with him? I thought you were in your room.
Sheldon: Oh, don't worry. I was.
George Sr.: I need to talk to your mother. Go back to your room.
Sheldon: All right.
Mary: And this time, stay there.
Sheldon: Aw.

Quote from the episode A Secret Letter and a Lowly Disc of Processed Meat

Sheldon: Dad.
George Sr.: What the hell are you doing here?
Sheldon: I need to talk to you.
George Sr.: How'd you even find me?
Sheldon: It's not like you come home smelling like coffee.

Quote from the episode A Secret Letter and a Lowly Disc of Processed Meat

Sheldon: [on the phone] So if I don't actually look at the letter, legally I'm in the clear? Thank you. This has been very helpful. And if in the future, you have any physics questions, Janice has my info.

Quote from the episode A Secret Letter and a Lowly Disc of Processed Meat

Sheldon: I also found this letter from Caltech. I wonder why she was hiding it.
Missy: So read it.
Sheldon: I'm not allowed to. It's not addressed to me.
Missy: Who cares?
Sheldon: The U.S. Postal Service is a government agency. Mail is protected by federal law.
Missy: I'll read it.
Sheldon: Don't. If you do, I'll be an accessory to the crime.

Quote from the episode A Secret Letter and a Lowly Disc of Processed Meat

Missy: Interesting.
Sheldon: What does it say? No, don't tell me. Okay, tell me. No, don't!
Missy: Sheldon, if I tell you but you never look at it, then you didn't break the law, right?
[later:]
Janice: [answers phone] Law offices of Morris, Morris & Yorn. Janice speaking.
Sheldon: [on the phone] Hello. I'd like to speak to either Morris, Morris or Yorn.
Janice: May I ask what it is in regard to?
Sheldon: Well, I was slicing a hot dog...

Quote from the episode A Secret Letter and a Lowly Disc of Processed Meat

Mary: I'm home.
Sheldon: Would you care to explain this letter, which I didn't read but legally know the contents of?

Quote from the episode A Baby Tooth and the Egyptian God of Knowledge

Richard Feynman: [v.o.] All right, hang on. Where is the fun in finding things out if some joker with a bird head just tells you the answer?
Sheldon: But a grand unified field theory would explain the universe.
Richard Feynman: Answers are all well and good, but a real scientist loves the thrill of the chase. Am I right, Hawking?
Stephen Hawking: [v.o.] I would agree. I do also enjoy the thrill of rolling over bubble wrap with my chair.
Professor Proton: It-it is fun to pop that stuff, isn't it?
Stephen Hawking: So fun.

Quote from the episode A Baby Tooth and the Egyptian God of Knowledge

Sheldon: But what if I never figure it out?
Albert Einstein: I never did and my scientific career is nothing to sneeze at.
Richard Feynman: Same here.
Stephen Hawking: Agreed.
Professor Proton: Uh, don't-don't look at me. I-I drive a Yugo.

Quote from the episode A Baby Tooth and the Egyptian God of Knowledge

Sheldon: Okay, grand unified field theory, here I come. [groans] This isn't working.
Albert Einstein: [v.o.] I disagree. Seems to be working fine and dandy.
Sheldon: Mr. Einstein? I'm very excited to talk to you, but I was hoping to hear from Thoth, the Egyptian god of knowledge, so he could teach me the grand unified field theory again.
Albert Einstein: Ooh, the grand unified field theory! Well, la-di-da.
Sheldon: He told it to me in a dream, but I can't remember.

Quote from the episode A Baby Tooth and the Egyptian God of Knowledge

Adult Sheldon: [v.o.] While I made my peace with not having the solution to a unified field theory, my intestines did not make peace with concentrated chamomile syrup.
Sheldon: Oh, dear. Bathroom emergency! Bathroom emergency!

Quote from the episode A Baby Tooth and the Egyptian God of Knowledge

Sheldon: So none of you can help me?
Albert Einstein: I believe I can. Sheldon, if I was offered a choice between all the knowledge of the universe or the endless pursuit of it, I would choose the pursuit.
Sheldon: That's very insightful.
Richard Feynman: Hold it, hold it... He didn't come up with that! He stole it from Gotthold Lessing.
Professor Proton: Who's-who's Gotthold Lessing?
Cyndi Lauper: [v.o.] He's an 18th century German philosopher. Now do you mind? We girls are trying to have some fun over here.
Einstein: Apologies.
Richard Feynman: Sorry, Cyndi Lauper.
Stephen Hawking: Our bad.
Professor Proton: I-I like fun.

Quote from the episode A Baby Tooth and the Egyptian God of Knowledge

Dr. Bowers: Okay, Sheldon, we're gonna put the mask on. Now you just breathe normally and count back from 100.
Sheldon: But counting back from 100 isn't complex enough to occupy my mind.
Dr. Bowers: You're up again.
Mary: Why don't you think of something more sciencey? Like counting pi. That's a thing, right? Pi?
Sheldon: I can't count pi, it's an irrational number. But I can embrace the spirit of your proposal and calculate the matrix coefficients necessary for a unified field theory.
Dr. Bowers: Do that. Hit it.
Sheldon: [slurring] Of the four fundamental forces, the most difficult to unify is gravity because...
Dr. Bowers: Oh, thank God.