Sheldon: When you cheated on the math test, what was your strategy?
Georgie: Well, I guess the most important part was not stepping on anything wet before the test. And not getting an "A."
Sheldon: Why wouldn't you want an "A"?
Georgie: 'Cause that would raise suspicions. Who would believe I got an "A"?
Sheldon: Wow. Tell me more.

Sheldon: So you'll have to find someone else to hold your ankles in P.E. today.
Tam: I'm sorry, what?
Sheldon: I've suffered a terrible injury and won't be able to attend.
Tam: What happened?
Sheldon: See for yourself.
Tam: "Dear Coach Wilkins, please excuse my son, Sheldon, from P.E. He has experienced a testicular hernia, and needs to rest for the next six to eight weeks. Sincerely, Mary Cooper." Testicular hernia?
Sheldon: That's called details.

Sheldon: But we can get so much accomplished. I could use a spreadsheet program to keep track of your expenses.
Mary: I do that in the back of my checkbook.
Sheldon: Yes, but does your checkbook go "beep" when you open it? I don't think so. Plus, the computer can organize your recipes.
Mary: But my recipes are organized.
Sheldon: On index cards. Like a cave person.

Mary: Sheldon and Missy, we are out of here in half an hour.
Sheldon: Not a lot of time to pick a toothbrush.

Sheldon: I'm sorry, Georgie, I didn't know.
Georgie: Yeah, well, now you do. What did you get?
Sheldon: A turkey sandwich Mom cut in the shape of a heart, a fruit cup, a brownie, and a note from Meemaw saying how much she loves me. I haven't read it yet, but I bet it's a lot.

Computer: Hello, I am Eliza.
Sheldon: [typing] My parents are fighting a lot.
Computer: I see. Can you elaborate on that?
Sheldon: My mother bought me this computer but my dad says we can't afford it.
Computer: Do you have issues with your mother?
Sheldon: Mmm, no. She makes me spaghetti with hot dogs cut up in it.
Computer: Can you elaborate on that?
Sheldon: Are you going to help me or not?
Computer: Hello, I am Eliza.
Sheldon: The future might be overrated.

Meemaw: Hey, kids, come here. Look at that. It looks like your mom and dad are gonna be all right.
Missy: Does this mean we're going home?
Meemaw: It appears so.
Sheldon: I didn't even get to wear my earmuffs yet.

Mary: Sheldon's not sick, but he has become overly concerned with getting a cold or the flu.
Dr. Eberland: Well, any symptoms. Runny nose, achy, sore throat, fever?
Mary: No.
Dr. Eberland: All right, well, Sheldon, if you do catch a cold, or even the flu, it's not the end of the world.
Sheldon: The flu was the end of the world for half a million Americans during the influenza epidemic of 1918.
Dr. Eberland: Really?
Sheldon: In India, 17 million people died.

Mary: How are you liking Medford, Selena?
Pastor Jeff: ¿Cómo te gusta Medford?
Selena: Nunca he estado tan aburrido en toda mi vida. [I've never been so bored in my entire life.]
Pastor Jeff: She likes it fine.
Mary: Oh.
Selena: Voy a fumar en el baño. [I'm going to go smoke in the bathroom.]
Pastor Jeff: She needs to use the little girls' room. Mary, could I talk to you for a second?
Mary: Sure.
Pastor Jeff: Don't worry. I'll bring her right back.
George: Wasn't worried, but okay.
Sheldon: His Spanish is terrible. That's not what she said at all.

Missy: Let's see what we got. Band-Aids, cotton balls. What's "gowz"?
Sheldon: It's gauze, and the fact that you don't know that is not filling me with hope.

Sheldon: Hello. Cooper residence. Sheldon speaking.
Mary: Hey, Shelly.
Sheldon: Oh, hello, Mom. How's your day going? [silence] Shelly? Shelly? You there?
Sheldon: Yes, I'm here. [to Missy] She wants to know how my day's going.
Missy: Say it's going good.
Sheldon: I can't say that.
Missy: Why not?
Sheldon: It's bad grammar.
Missy: How are you supposed to say it?
Sheldon: "It's going well."
Mary: Oh, that's nice. I've got to get back to work, but I love you and miss you very much.
Sheldon: Okay. [hangs up] I handled that really well.

Sheldon: I can't do this.
Mr. Lundy: What are you talking about?
Sheldon: The play, I can't do it. There are too many people out there.
Mr. Lundy: Oh, that is just stage fright. That's completely normal.
Sheldon: No, this is a full-blown panic attack.
Mr. Lundy: All right, listen to me. You're feeling scared. I get that, but what you have to understand is you're not going out on that stage alone. Everybody, gather around, hmm? Uh, Sheldon, have you ever been to the circus?
Sheldon: Yes.
Mr. Lundy: Okay, good.
Sheldon: I had a panic attack there, too.

Tam: Jiu-jitsu?
Sheldon: I've decided to learn self-defense.
Tam: Why?
Sheldon: I'm quite small, and will be for several years, maybe even more if I'm a late bloomer.
Tam: Your dad's big, maybe you'll take after him.
Sheldon: We both like my mom. I think that's where the similarities end.

Tam: And what happens when I get to you?
Sheldon: I'll use your inertia to take you down.
Tam: Okay. [Tam runs at Sheldon, who tries to grapple Tam and pull him to the ground] And when does inertia take me down?
Sheldon: Any second. [Later, Tam has his arms wrapped around Sheldon as he tries to struggle free]I don't care I don't understand. I'm using physics.

Mary: Shelly, you all right?
Sheldon: Yes. I must be a little sore from doing jiu-jitsu with Tam yesterday.
George: Why were you doing jiu-jitsu?
Sheldon: We're boys. Roughhousing is what we do.