Sheldon: And now we see how it helps my science. Hmm. Hmm [groans] Come on, think. Probably needs more "Twinkle, Twinkle."

Sheldon: [coughs] I don't feel well.
Mary: What's wrong, baby?
Sheldon: I don't know. I just feel awful.
Mary: Well, there is something going around. Billy Sparks got some kind of bug.
Sheldon: That is consistent with what I said. Good. [weak cough]
Mary: You're staying home today. I'll go make you some tea.

Sheldon: Sorry, Dave. We're living paycheck to paycheck.

Sheldon: Oh, there it is! [waving to the truck] Over here! Over here! This is exciting.
George Jr.: It's somethin'.
Sheldon: [waving to the truck] Thank you! Have a great day!

Pete: Happy Hearth Home Bakeries, this is Pete. How can I help you?
Sheldon: Hello, Pete. My name is Sheldon Cooper, and I would like to know what changed in your white sandwich loaf to make it taste different?

Mary: What's the matter, baby? Have a tummy ache?
Sheldon: I think it's an ulcer.
George Sr.: Don't be silly. You must have eaten something.
Sheldon: No. My symptoms are consistent with an ulcer.

Sheldon: [knocks three times] Mom? [knocks three times] Dad?
Mary: [o.s.] Yeah, baby? [Sheldon opens his parents' bedroom door]
Sheldon: I'm ready to graduate. Good night. [exits]
George Sr.: That's because I supported him.

Ms. MacElroy: Where do you think you're going?
Sheldon: Away from you.
Ms. MacElroy: Why's that?
Sheldon: I want to live.
Ms. MacElroy: I'm not sick. Get back in your seat.
Sheldon: No, thank you.
Ms. MacElroy: You know the rules. You can't leave without a hall pass.
Sheldon: May I have a hall pass?
Ms. MacElroy: No, you may not. Now get back in your seat.

Professor Boucher: This course is about practical applications. This isn't about fancy theories or what works in a classroom. If a tunnel collapses, the only math that's gonna matter is the body count. [Sheldon raises his hand] You.
Sheldon: Sheldon Cooper.
Professor Boucher: Son, I'll learn your name if you make it to midterms. Right now, you're just a number to me.
Sheldon: Ooh, can I be number one? That's what Captain Picard calls Commander Riker on Star Trek: Next Generation.
Professor Boucher: You need to listen more and talk less. Is that clear, number one?
Sheldon: Aye, Captain.

Sheldon: Excuse me, if I had an exposé that's going to rip the lid off this university's leadership and shine a light on its rotten core, who would I turn that in to?
Clark: You can give it to me.
Sheldon: I'd feel more comfortable giving it to someone who's less likely to roll it up and smoke it.
Clark: Well, I'm the editor, so it's me or nothing.
Sheldon: Very well. I'm handing you the scoop of a lifetime.
Clark: Okay.
Sheldon: As your people say, I think you'll dig it.

George Jr.: This is really good, Meemaw.
Meemaw: Really good? You're spitting the best brisket in Texas all over the damn table.
Mary: Close your mouth when you eat.
Sheldon: Or aim your face the other way.

Dr. John Sturgis: But we haven't cut open the pineapple yet.
Mary: You boys go ahead. We'll eat the pineapple another time.
Sheldon: But we haven't had a chance to talk about science.
George Sr.: Ooh, can Sheldon come?
Sheldon: Can I?
Mary: No.
Sheldon & John: Aw.

Sheldon: Starting today, I'm done helping the football team.
Tam: But if you do that, girls will no longer greet me like this. [head
Sheldon: I'll greet you like that.
Tam: It's not the same.

Dr. Hodges: Anything else?
Sheldon: Yes. I'd like a glass of water. It's time to take my Zantac.

Sheldon: Wednesday morning, the Nobel Prize winners are going to be announced in Sweden, and we'll hear it as it's happening.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, 2.8 milliseconds later.
Sheldon: Sure, because of the propagation.

Sheldon: One interpretation would be, if I was standing at the event horizon, I could interact with my own twin.
Missy: I've interacted with you. It's not great.
Sheldon: I think if there were two of me, we'd be unstoppable.
[fantasy:]
Sheldon #1: So, if we add the information entropy, we'll get the result we're looking for.
Sheldon #2: That's brilliant.
Sheldon #1: I had a feeling you'd like it.
Sheldon #2: That's what the back of my head looks like. Nice.
Sheldon #1: Hmm. We'll call it the Cooper-Cooper Theorem.
Sheldon #2: Perfect. Wait, which Cooper comes first?
Sheldon #1: This Cooper.
Sheldon #2: Why you?
Sheldon #1: I'm the original. You're just my twin.
Sheldon #2: Don't say it like you're better than me. We're exactly the same.
Sheldon #1: I don't appreciate your condescending tone.
Sheldon #2: It's your tone. We're the same person.
Sheldon #1: If we're the same person, why are you so annoying?
Sheldon #2: Stop it.
Sheldon #1: You stop it.
Sheldon #2: What are you gonna do about it?
Sheldon #1: I don't know, I've never been in a fight before.
Sheldon #2: Well, you're about to be.
[reality:]
Sheldon: This is ridiculous. Are you done?
Missy: Not even close. Then Sheldon One grabs Sheldon Two...

George Sr.: Y-Your mom's at church. W-What do you want for dinner?
Sheldon: I believe you know what I want for dinner.
George Sr.: Is that right?
Sheldon: It's Thursday. What does Mom always make me on Thursdays?
George Sr.: Spaghetti and hot dogs?
Sheldon: [to the camera] Socrates. Got to love him.

Mary: Sheldon, I didn't change anything. Can I get back to work now?
Sheldon: I suppose so.
Mary: Thank you. Bye.
Sheldon: Don't I get an "I love you"?
Mary: I love you.
Sheldon: One more time, with a little more energy. [dial tone] Must've been disconnected.

Sheldon: Why did your mom make you?
Paige: Punishment. I got caught with cigarettes.
Sheldon: Why would you want to smoke?
Paige: To look older.
Sheldon: My meemaw smokes. I guess it works.

[When President Hagemeyer walks in to her office, she is surprised to see Sheldon seated at her desk facing away from the door. Hagemeyer tries to turn around and walk out]
Sheldon: I smell your perfume.
President Hagemeyer: So, what, pray tell, is today's problem?
Sheldon: I have a four-hour gap in my schedule.
President Hagemeyer: How is that a problem?
Sheldon: According to the Oxford English Dictionary, it's a matter or situation regarded as unwelcome or harmful and needing to be dealt with and overcome.
President Hagemeyer: Fine, go hang out in the cafeteria.
Sheldon: I don't "hang."
President Hagemeyer: Go to the library.
Sheldon: Too noisy.
President Hagemeyer: Take a nap. Kids love those.
Sheldon: In a public place? I'm sorry, is this Woodstock?