Darlene: Ooh, this camper is so cool.
Mary: We borrowed it from my mom's boyfriend.
George Sr.: Yeah, you might not want to poke around too much. You find my mother-in-law's bra, I'm driving into a brick wall.

Local TV Newscaster: In local news, Friday night's football game was marred by a brutal injury, when football coach George Cooper saved himself at the expense of beloved school librarian Cheryl Hutchins.
George Sr.: Oh, no.
Local TV Newscaster: We warn you, the following footage is hard to watch.
George Sr.: Well, then, don't show it.
Local TV Newscaster: Let's see it again in slow motion.
George Sr.: This is not news.

Sheldon: Did you know that her parents are getting a divorce?
George Sr.: Just keep walking. Keep walking.

George Sr.: I don't want this woman in my house anymore.
Mary: She is my mother.
George Sr.: She is the devil.

Mary: I hope that doesn't wake up the kids.
George Sr.: Should I go over there and say something?
Mary: I think you should.
George Sr.: I was bluffin'. Don't make me put my socks back on.

George Sr.: You want to explain yourself?
Sheldon: I'd rather just go to bed, since I have to be up in a few hours anyway.
George Sr.: Look, I understand you're tired, but that is no reason for you-
Sheldon: I'm not just tired. I'm exhausted. Everything hurts. I get up in the morning to do this job I don't even like. And I'm doing it just for the money, and it's not even a lot of money. I keep trying harder and harder, and it doesn't even make a difference. So if you're going to yell at me or punish me, let's just get it over with.
George Sr.: I'm not gonna punish you.
Sheldon: Why not? I deserve it.
George Sr.: Let me tell you about my day. I got yelled at by the principal for benching a linebacker who's flunking English. Then I got yelled at even more by the kid's parents. Then I had to break up a fight in the locker room. Got elbowed in the neck.
Sheldon: That's a rough day.
George Sr.: That was all before 10:00 a.m. So I get what you're going through. But you'll notice, I didn't come home and take it out on you.
Sheldon: No, you didn't.
George Sr.: I want you to get back in there, apologize to everyone, and finish your dinner.
Sheldon: Yes, sir.

George Sr.: So, uh Tam. What kind of name is that?
Tam: Vietnamese, sir.
George Sr.: Sure. You know, I spent a little time over there. Army. Your mom's name isn't Kim-Lee, is it?
Tam: No, sir.
George Sr.: Good. I mean, you know, it's a small country.

George Sr.: Who you talking to? That Veronica girl?
George Jr.: Yeah.
George Sr.: What's going on with that?
George Jr.: Nothing. We're just friends.
George Sr.: Okay. You ever want to run any of this stuff by me, I'm here for you.
George Jr.: Why would I want to run it by you?
George Sr.: Well, I was once a 15-year-old boy. I know what it's like to have strong feelings for a girl.
George Jr.: Gross. I'm not gonna talk to you about this.
George Sr.: I-I saw that kid on Who's the Boss talk to Tony Danza about his problems.
George Jr.: They're not related. This is totally different.
George Sr.: Damn it, Georgie, you could flush once in a while.

Dale: Uh, you want to switch to light beer?
George Sr.: Hey. I may have boobs, but I'm still a man.

Mary: Well, Sheldon's been spending quite a bit of time with this Libby girl, lately.
George Sr.: Yeah, so?
Mary: So isn't he a little young to be hanging with teenagers?
George Sr.: Oh, he's only young on the outside. Inside, he's an old man.
Mary: I'm being serious.
George Sr.: So am I. And with that bow-tie, he's old on the outside, too.

Mary: Your sandwich is exactly the same, Sheldon.
George Sr.: What's going on?
Sheldon: This bread is different.
George Sr.: Let me see. You know, he might be right. [Mary hits George] Ow.

Sheldon: There is the launching of the space shuttle this weekend.
George Sr.: Space shuttle? Don't they do those out of Florida?
Sheldon: Yes. Cape Canaveral.
George Sr.: Sheldon, that's-that's like a 12, 15 hour drive.
Sheldon: I understand. Never mind.
George Sr.: You know what? Let's do it. It'll be fun. The three Cooper boys on a little adventure. Sound good?
Sheldon: Sounds good.

George Sr.: You're really holding the line on this one.
Mary: I'm sorry, but he just pushed my buttons.
George Sr.: Don't be sorry. I'm diggin' it.
George Jr.: Ew.
Missy: Gross.
Meemaw: I agree. Pretty gross.
George Sr.: Y'all are mean.

George Sr.: Listen to me. Hey. You're a good-looking kid, and you got a big heart. Once we get you on a daily shower schedule, the girls are gonna be lining up.
George Jr.: I don't want girls. I want Veronica.
George Sr.: Yeah, maybe you'll get her and maybe you won't. But someday, you'll find the woman who was really meant for you.
Mary: You mean like Kathryn Dempsey?
George Sr.: Alaska's beautiful. How 'bout I go with you?
George Jr.: Who's Kathryn Dempsey?
George Sr.: I was 15 years. I was 15 years old!

Adult Sheldon: There are certain phrases that are used by dads around the world.
George Sr.: Close the fridge. You're wastin' money.

George Sr.: Hold on. Are you firing her?
Pastor Jeff: No, no, just a little leave of absence till things settle down.
Pastor Rob: Is that really necessary?
Pastor Jeff: I believe it is. As leaders of this church, we are held to a higher standard.
Mary: Are you asking us to leave the church?
Pastor Jeff: Of course not.
George Sr.: Y'all talk a big game about community, and then you just turn your back when things get a little messy.
Pastor Rob: Okay, let's just take a breath.
George Sr.: You do that. We're leaving. Come on, Mary.
Pastor Jeff: George, let's talk this through.
George Sr.: I've heard enough. I'll be in the truck. [exits]

George Sr.: I understand all that.
Mary: Then why are you pushing so hard for this?
George Sr.: Because these schools are interested now. It's like football recruitment. You got to strike while the iron's hot.
Mary: This is nothing like football.
George Sr.: Oh, yeah? What if he stops being smart and they don't want him anymore?
Mary: How is that gonna happen?
George Sr.: I don't know. Conks his head?

George Sr.: [plunging] Maybe I'm being punished. Maybe I'm a bad person. That went in my mouth.

George Sr.: Remind me to tell you about the tax refund I got from the IRS.

George Sr.: It's solar-powered. Can you imagine that?