Mary: I even did some marriage counseling for a couple of young newlyweds.
George Sr.: Ooh, what kind of trouble they having?
Mary: Oh, it's all confidential; I really can't say.
George Sr.: Well, I don't need specifics, just, you know, general terms.
Mary: They're having sexual problems.
George Sr.: Really? Newlyweds?
Mary: But we all prayed on it and then the answer came clear as a bell.
George Sr.: Yeah?
Mary: The husband is under a lot of stress at work and it's diminishing his natural desires.
George Sr.: Huh. What kind of work does he do he's got so much stress?
Mary: He owns that flower shop across from the post office.
George Sr.: Flower shop. Huh.
Mary: You've seen it. It's called The Pretty Petunia.
George Sr.: Huh.

George Sr.: I was hoping in college you wouldn't get called to the principal's office anymore.
Sheldon: She's not the principal. She's the president.
George Sr.: So if you're in trouble, you're in big trouble.
Sheldon: That's a fun way to look at it.

Mary: Anyway, I am gonna be extra busy, so I'm gonna need you to pick up the slack around here. You know? The kids. Making meals.
George Sr.: Sounds good. Wait, what?
Mary: I need you to help out.
George Sr.: So, Pastor Jeff wants to get lucky, and I pay the price?
Mary: I am asking you to take care of your children.
George Sr.: And I'm asking you, why can't your mother do it?
Mary: George.
George Sr.: Fine.

George Sr.: Will you excuse me? I have to go take a cold shower.

George Sr.: What's going on?
Mary: Ugh. He was muttering in his sleep that I am his training wheels. What on earth does that mean?
George Sr.: Well, let's think about it. Training wheels are for little kids. Maybe he doesn't want to be a little kid anymore.
Mary: What does that have to do with me?
George Sr.: [laughs] You have made it your life's mission to hold him up.
Mary: What are you saying here? That I am wrong to love and protect my son? That he doesn't need his mother to keep an eye on him?
George Sr.: I'm not saying that. I... I would never say that.
Mary: All right then. [exits]
George Sr.: [to himself] I'm not an idiot.

George Sr.: Hey, Georgie, if you ever find a girlfriend, maybe you can go on a double date with your brother.
Mary: She's not his girlfriend.
George Jr.: And I can find one I'm just not looking.
George Sr.: We gotta get that Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue away from him before he's ruined forever.

George Sr.: Let's go for it.
Assistant Coach Wilkins: Why? We got plenty of time.
George Sr.: I know. Still want to go for it.
Assistant Coach Wilkins: We're on the 12-yard line. Everybody know you punt.
George Sr.: Why does everybody knowing something make it right?

Mary: Why don't you take John to a bar or something?
George Sr.: Why?
Mary: 'Cause the children don't need to hear about how attractive he finds their grandmother.
George Sr.: Why don't you take him out?
Mary: Fine. You make sure the kids take baths and get to bed. Oh, and Sheldon needs his fingernails trimmed.
[cut to:]
George Sr.: Hey, John, what do you say you and I go grab a beer?

Pastor Jeff: Pastor Rob should be here any minute.
George Sr.: Maybe if he was in the classroom when he was supposed to be, none of this would've happened.
Mary: You can't blame him for Missy punching someone.
George Sr.: If he was there to shut that kid up, Missy wouldn't have had to.
Pastor Jeff: Sunday school is no place for violence. The boy's parents are very upset.
George Sr.: Yeah, well so am I.

Dr. John Sturgis: Can you believe Connie was my first girlfriend?
George Sr.: Really?
Dr. John Sturgis: And probably my last.
George Sr.: Come on, don't talk like that.
Dr. John Sturgis: No, it's true. She may not realize it, but this is all for the best. I'm damaged goods.
George Sr.: No, you're not.
Dr. John Sturgis: It had just been so long since I'd had an episode. I thought I was okay. [laughs] But, clearly, I'm not, and, uh, who knows if it'll happen again. And, uh, I just can't take the risk of putting Connie through that.
George Sr.: Hey, she's got problems, too. I've seen her take a wine cooler out of the trash and finish it.
Dr. John Sturgis: [laughs]
George Sr.: I'm not joking.

Meemaw: All I am saying is that this would be a great opportunity for Sheldon.
Mary: I know, you're right.
George Sr.: Whoa, she's right? I said the same thing in Petersen's office, you looked at me like I was an idiot. Yeah, that's the look.

Herschel Sparks: What's going on?
George Sr.: Your dog got into our house.
Herschel Sparks: How the hell did he do that?
George Sr.: He pushed in a screen window.
Herschel Sparks: You think he chewed through the fence again?
George Sr.: All I know is Sheldon's yelling at the dog, and Mary's yelling at me. Now I'm looking at you in your underwear.

Herschel Sparks: Bucky got in their house.
Brenda Sparks: That's funny.
George Sr.: It might be funny one day, not right now.

George Sr.: At least he's not crying anymore.

George Jr.: What?
George Sr.: Door stays open.
George Jr.: Why? We're just listening to music.
George Sr.: My house, my rules. And don't sit on the bed.
George Jr.: Where are we supposed to sit?
George Sr.: Just not on the bed.
George Jr.: Whatever. [to Jana] He's just mad 'cause we're young and he's not.

George Sr.: You know it takes two people to get pregnant, right?
Meemaw: I know that. Does Georgie?
George Sr.: Probably. We got cable now.

Nate: Hey, George. Who's your friend?
George Sr.: Hey, Nate. This is John Sturgis. He's a scientist.
Dr. John Sturgis: Pleased to make your acquaintance, Nate.
Nate: What can I get you?
Dr. John Sturgis: Um, do you have sarsaparilla?
George Sr.: Two beers. We'll take two beers.

George Sr.: I turned it down.
Mary: Why?
Missy: 'Cause you're afraid of Mom?

George Sr.: Hey, don't you move. What are you watching?
Missy: MTV.
George Sr.: Watch MTV.
Mary: George.
George Sr.: I'm not punishing her for doing the right thing.
Mary: Violence is never the right thing.
George Sr.: I'm sorry, are we in California?
Mary: Ugh!
[As Mary leaves, George turns to look at the music video playing on the TV]
George Sr.: Turn that off.

George Sr.: Very impressive. Not sure how you did it, but that is the least disgusting locker room I've ever been in.