Sheldon: And then I said octopus aliens didn't need to become Christian because they're not affected by original sin.
Missy: You should've been there; Pastor Jeff almost started crying.
George: Oh, now I'm sorry I missed it.
Mary: That's your fault for having a hangover.
George: Or it's God's fault for putting Sunday morning after Saturday night.

Herschel Sparks: So I guess you got two geniuses in the family.
George: Guess I do.
Herschel Sparks: Who knows, maybe Missy'll make it three.
George: Or it's two.

George: So, uh Tam. What kind of name is that?
Tam: Vietnamese, sir.
George: Sure. You know, I spent a little time over there. Army. Your mom's name isn't Kim-Lee, is it?
Tam: No, sir.
George: Good. I mean, you know, it's a small country.

George: I'll be right back.
Georgie: Mind if I have a sip of your beer?
George: You mind if I dip your head in the compost heap?
Georgie: You could have just said no.

Butcher: Can I help you?
George: Matter of fact, you can. I need 12 pounds of prime Angus with a medium deckle, ideally slaughtered in the spring, no later than mid-June.

Mary: I'm worried. There are incantations in this book to summon actual demons.
George: Is that how we wound up with you?
Meemaw: That's a good one. I'm gonna give you that.
Mary: This is not a joke. This is one of the children's games we were warned about in church.
Meemaw: Then tell him to stop playing.
Mary: It's not that easy. He's finally got a couple of friends. I don't want to scare them off.
George: Well, when you're ready to scare kids, you got this face locked and loaded.
Meemaw: All right, the other one was funny, now you're just being a jackass.

George: You're really holding the line on this one.
Mary: I'm sorry, but he just pushed my buttons.
George: Don't be sorry. I'm diggin' it.
Georgie: Ew.
Missy: Gross.
Meemaw: I agree. Pretty gross.
George: Y'all are mean.

Georgie: Hey.
George: Hey.
Georgie: You know how you think I can't do anything for myself?
George: I do think that, yes.
Georgie: Well, I have something I'd like to show you.
George: You did some chores?
Georgie: Come see for yourself.
George: I don't know if I'm ready for another heart attack, but here we go.

Georgie: Where were you last night?
Mary: Out with your grandmother.
Georgie: But where'd you go?
George: Enough questions.
Georgie: Y'all ask me questions when I come home late.
George: Oh, I can explain that. You're an idiot and we don't trust you.

George: Why don't we just come clean?
Meemaw: All right, sure, we could do that. You could rat me out to Mary and I could tell her what you did at the church picnic.
George: Come on. Now you're just playing dirty.
Meemaw: We sink or swim together, George. We sink or swim together.
George: Grandmas are supposed to be nice. What went wrong with you?

George: Listen, why don't we just go there this Saturday and give it a try?
Mary: And if you don't like it, we don't have to do it again.
George: Or they'll love it, and they'll do it till they're 18, 19 years old.
Sheldon: I already love it.
George: My man. Missy? I believe there might be a Dairy Queen on the way there.
Missy: Can I get an Oreo Blizzard?
George: You know what I think? I think you're smarter than him.

Sheldon: Oh, my.
George: Yeah. I bet he dresses down to about 6,000, 7,000 pounds of USDA prime.
Sheldon: You would eat him?
George: He'd eat me.

George: Want to hear something cool? Sheldon skipped out of that lecture with that little Paige girl, snuck into a closed exhibit.
Mary: You're kidding.
George: True. [LAUGHS] Even got, uh, "arrested" by the museum security cops.
Mary: Why would you think that's cool?
George: Sheldon got into trouble with a girl! I'm bursting with pride.
Mary: [SIGHS] You know what? I don't want to talk about it.
George: There, right there. That's why I love you.

George: Make a choice and close the door.
Sheldon: Okay. There's only one logical way to settle this. Eenie-meenie-
George: Close the door!

Georgie: What's a math emergency?
George: That's when things don't add up. Oh, come on, guys. That was a good one.