Missy: Mom, Sheldon can't find his bow-tie.
Mary: Really? I laid it out for him.
George Sr.: Leave it alone, Mary. He doesn't need a bow-tie.
Mary: It's his first day of school. Let him wear what he wants.

Mary: Mind if I make some room to sit?
Mr. Gilford: You're staying?
Mary: Yes, I'm staying. I'm here to keep you company.
Mr. Gilford: Why? So you'll look like some kind of Good Samaritan?
Mary: Because God calls on us to serve our fellow man. Romans 12:13, "Share with the Lord's people who are"-
Mr. Gilford: What are you doing?
Mary: Quoting scripture.
Mr. Gilford: Well, I don't want to hear that.
Mary: You don't want to hear the Bible?
Mr. Gilford: Not from some woman.
Mary: Excuse me?
Mr. Gilford: Where have you been? Women don't preach in our church.
Mary: Well, I'm not in our church, I'm in your living room, which is, by the way, disgusting.

Mary: Kathryn Dempsey?! You watched me make cupcakes for her daughter's birthday, and you never told me you were in love with her?!
George Sr.: I was 15 years old, and she didn't love me back.
Mary: If she did, would you have married her instead of me?
George Sr.: But she didn't!
Mary: Okay! Now I have my answer. Kathryn Dempsey?!
George Sr.: I was 15!

George Sr.: So, Sheldon, Missy, we got some exciting news.
Sheldon: Georgie took a bath?
George Jr.: No. And how come I don't get exciting news?
George Sr.: This isn't about you.
Mary: But after dinner, why don't you go rinse off?

Sheldon: Mom, you're embarrassing me.
Mary: Oh, is that right? Well, guess what. I don't care. [to Glenn] And if I catch you doing it again, I'll be back with my husband, he is way scarier than me.
Glenn: I doubt that.

Mary: And then he said, "For the rest of the day, you're in charge."
George Sr.: Mm.
Mary: Those were his exact words. Can you believe it? "You're in charge."
George Sr.: Well, that's great.
Mary: And thanks to me, this year United Methodist is gonna get stuck with all the limp palms.
George Sr.: Well, I don't know what that means, but good for you.

Mary: I got to tell you, I'm a little worried about my mother. She keeps betting on these football games, next thing you know, there's an Italian fella driving off with her pickup truck.

Mary: Sheldon. Would you like to explain this note?
George Sr.: Well?
Sheldon: I was trying to be more like Georgie.
Mary: That's a dumb idea. We don't want Georgie to be like Georgie.

Sheldon: I wasn't even aware I was chewing them.
Mary: Baby, I think this math problem you're working on is stressing you out.
Sheldon: It makes sense. Einstein struggled with it for 30 years and never found a solution.
Mary: Maybe if you stop thinking about it, it'll just come to you.
Sheldon: No. I can't stop.
Mary: Sheldon.
Sheldon: If I stop, I'll lose momentum. I'll never solve it. I'll be a failure. My life will be worthless.
Mary: Okay, that's it. You're taking a break from science.
Sheldon: Give me one good reason why I would do that.
Mary: Where is Dr. Sturgis right now?
Sheldon: That's a good reason.

Mary: Hey, have you noticed anything off with Sheldon?
George Sr.: Uh, no, no, no. Can't say that I have. Why?
Mary: He's been awful quiet, and, at the risk of being indelicate, he's gone several days without a bowel movement.
George Sr.: How do you know that?
Mary: Well, I was worried about him, so I took a look in his potty journal.
George Sr.: He's still keeping that thing, huh?
Mary: Oh, yeah, that's why he wanted the Polaroid camera.

Mary: Hey, do you want to help me paint these posters?
Sheldon: Not at all. [exits]
Mary: Oh, yeah, people would line up for that dunk tank.

Missy: Mom, can I ask you a Bible question?
Mary: Always.
Missy: Lying's a sin, right?
Mary: Sure is. Proverbs 12:22. "The Lord detests lying lips, but He delights in people who are trustworthy."
Missy: Does it say anything specifically about lying to your pastor?
Mary: Did you lie to Pastor Jeff?
Missy: No, but you did.
Mary: I did not.
Missy: You told him I wasn't interested in babysitting.
Mary: No. I said I didn't think you were interested, which, technically, was not a lie.

Mary: Hi, Pastor Jeff. Everything okay?
Pastor Jeff: I'm in trouble. Robin just got here. She looks nice, and she smells even nicer.
Mary: Come on, now. Uh, nothing smells better than eternal salvation.

Mary: Good gravy, she's sad, Sheldon, come on!

Mary: I know you don't want to talk, and that's fine. You can just listen. Life is hard enough if you make good decisions, but if you make bad ones, it gets even harder.
George Jr.: Nothin' was gonna happen with Jana.
Mary: Georgie-
George Jr.: No! You always assume the worst with me. I'm sorry you were a perfect kid and I'm just a screwup.
Mary: You are not a screwup. And I was not a perfect kid.
George Jr.: Oh, what'd you do, sleep through church one mornin'?
Mary: For your information I used to skip class so that I could drink beer in my boyfriend's truck.
George Jr.: Dad had a truck back then?
Mary: Not talkin' about your dad.
Mary: I also stole your meemaw's car and crashed it into a ditch.
George Jr.: Really? With that boyfriend who wasn't Dad?
Mary: Missin' the point!

Sheldon: Washcloth?
Mary: Washcloth.
Sheldon: Soap?
Mary: Soap.
Sheldon: Shampoo?
Mary: Shampoo.
Sheldon: Baby shampoo?
Mary: Does E equal MC squared?
Sheldon: Love you.

George Jr.: Where's Meemaw?
George Sr.: Not here tonight.
George Jr.: Why?
Sheldon: As I understand it, now that Dr. Sturgis is back from the hospital, he and Meemaw are figuring out how their relationship is going to work.
Missy: What does that mean?
George Jr.: Sounds like she dumped him.
George Sr.: Actually, he's the one-
Mary: Sheldon, didn't you want to talk about science stuff?
Sheldon: Yes.
Mary: Good. Do that right now.

Pastor Jeff: Okay, before we finish up, I'd like to call up Mary Cooper, who has a few words she'd like to say.
Mary: Thank you, Pastor Jeff. As some of you might know, we lost a member of our congregation. James Gilford passed away earlier this week. If that name isn't familiar to you, don't feel bad, it wasn't to me either. But in the last few days, I've gotten to learn a little bit about him. He was married to his wife, Meredith, for over 45 years, he was a lieutenant in the Army, and, forgive him for this, a big fan of the Dallas Cowboys. [LAUGHTER] But even if you didn't know him, I hope that you'll still join me in celebrating his life this Wednesday at the American Legion. Thank you.

Paramedic: You a relative?
Mary: No.
Paramedic: Friend?
Mary: I was trying.

Caroline: Would you like to try it on?
Mary: Oh, no. I'm not here for me. Just helping a friend.
Caroline: Oh, too bad. That dress would be stunning on you.
Mary: Oh, I would look like a princess.