Adult Sheldon: And finally, a close encounter of the third kind, physical contact with a member of the canine species.

Mary: So, good news. Paige is gonna spend the weekend with us.
Adult Sheldon: My history with Paige brought up complicated feelings. She challenged me. She disturbed me. She enraged me. Things were simpler for my simple-minded sister.
Missy: Yay!

Adult Sheldon: The next step was to go face-to-face with real dogs. Albeit through a plate-glass window.
Sheldon: Okay, that's enough.

Adult Sheldon: I'd tell you how an East Texas audience in 1989 responded to a grown man playing Annie, but I think you know.

Adult Sheldon: Eventually, my mother relented and returned our things with a few minor adjustments.
Missy: What's The Moosewood Gang?
Mary: They solve mysteries while they learn about God.
Missy: Great.
Adult Sheldon: Georgie got his music back.
George Jr.: [as Jesus Christ Superstar plays] What the hell is this?
Adult Sheldon: And as for college, my mother and father discussed it and decided that ten was too young. So I didn't start till the ripe old age of 11. In the meantime I had the key to one sweet bathroom.

[David Hasselhoff: Cowboy Aerobics:]
Cowgirl #1: All right, buckaroos, it's time for cowboy aerobics with...
Cowgirl #2: David Hasselhoff!
Cowgirl #1: David Hasselhoff!
David Hasselhoff: Who's ready to rustle up some muscles? [both whoo] Let's saddle up and ride.
Adult Sheldon: Thanks to The Hoff, the video was a smashing success.
David Hasselhoff: Who wants a beach body like the ones on Baywatch? Which I'm also in. Check your local listings.
Adult Sheldon: Unfortunately, Mr. Lundy put all his profits into a musical about his life, entitled: Live, Laugh, Lundy. He is poor to this day.

Adult Sheldon: In Conquest of the Planet of the Apes, we learned how humans taught the apes to become civilized. Which I think should start with potty training, but I'm not a screenwriter.

Missy: Sheldon, if you don't get in here, - I'm gonna lick your toothbrush!
Sheldon: Coming!
Adult Sheldon: That's my sister. And she's done it before.

Adult Sheldon: My mom was my Christian soldier. And for the record, they descended when I was 15.

Adult Sheldon: During that time, I saw three cars drive by and a raccoon dragging a slice of pizza.

Adult Sheldon: But, eventually, I did drift off, haunted by the memory, the three of us gathered around the piano singing hippie folk music.

Adult Sheldon: Over the next few days, I continued to play the violin in an effort to replicate the mental prowess of Einstein. I was asked to confine my practice to the garage by my father, mother, sister and brother. Meemaw was fine with me practicing in the house, but why would she care? She doesn't live with us.

Sheldon: Principle one. Don't criticize, condemn or complain.
Adult Sheldon: The three sharpest arrows in my quiver. Thus began the greatest challenge of my young life.

Adult Sheldon: As a child, I never understood the sacrifices my father made for his family's happiness, which made me somewhat less compassionate than I should've been.
Sheldon: Yay. We're not moving.

Adult Sheldon: The next morning, I patiently waited for my father to leave for work.
Sheldon: Are you leaving for work?
George Sr.: Yeah?
Sheldon: [stares intently at George] See you. Bye.
George Sr.: Bye. [exits]
Adult Sheldon: I leapt into action. My heart was pounding. I don't know what kind of bladder control professional spies have, but this first-timer needed to pee pronto.

Adult Sheldon: My mother's fears that no one would be saved that Halloween night were proven incorrect.
Mr. Lundy: As they kissed, she thought about the choices that led her to this moment.
Adult Sheldon: Mr. Lundy's scene about lust made a deep impact on my brother's date.
Mr. Lundy: Her youth was gone. She had traded her beauty for a few tawdry dollars, and now she had nothing left but shame and venereal disease.
Adult Sheldon: She asked to be saved by Jesus.
Veronica: [CRYING] I don't want to live like this anymore.
Mary: Oh, just repeat after me-
Adult Sheldon: And as it turns out, she was. She went on to live a life devoted to God, feeding the poor, even helping her sister start a literacy program for female prisoners. My brother, on the other hand, became a devout atheist after that night.
Mary: We got one!

Mary: That is it! I am taking this house back from the devil.
Missy: Hey.
Adult Sheldon: I've been accused of overreacting from time to time. But perhaps it's hereditary, because look at my mommy go.

Adult Sheldon: Before that disembodied voice on AOL started saying, "You've got mail," we relied on my mom.
Mary: Shelly, you've got mail!
Adult Sheldon: Some mail brought great joy.
Sheldon: Greetings, Mr. Spock.
Adult Sheldon: Some mail brought pain.
Mary: George, you got jury duty!
George Sr.: Tell 'em I died!
Adult Sheldon: And one time, mail caused a war between neighbors rivaling that of the Klingon Empire and the Federation, which trust me was a doozy.

Adult Sheldon: At that moment, I felt a subtle heat rising through my body. I was used to being humiliated by my siblings on a daily basis, but from my mother? This was new territory.

Adult Sheldon: For most students, the weekend represented two days of fun, freedom, and in the case of my brother, a chance to ignore all forms of hygiene. But this wasn't a typical weekend, because this was the weekend I got to do my parents' taxes.
Sheldon: Howdy do, W-2.