Man: [on the phone] Hello, you've reached the Tandy Tech Support Hotline.
Sheldon: I need help. I think I have a virus. I was playing this game, and then suddenly...
Man: [on the phone] Current wait time is 28 minutes.
♪ So tie a yellow ribbon... ♪
Adult Sheldon: It wasn't bad enough I had to wait, I also had to listen to rock and roll.

Adult Sheldon: The world had stopped making sense. A grown-up had lied to me, my meemaw and I were at odds, I was in trouble with my parents. I had to find a way to restore balance.

Adult Sheldon: I've always considered myself a collector of knowledge. My mind is like the warehouse at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark. But instead of artifacts, it's just facts. [laughs] And now that I was a full-time college student, my collection was about to grow exponentially.
Professor Ericson: Welcome to the world of philosophy. Most college courses are about teaching you things that you don't know. Here, I am going to teach you that you don't even know what you think you know.
Sheldon: Oh, boy.

Sheldon: Principle one. Don't criticize, condemn or complain.
Adult Sheldon: The three sharpest arrows in my quiver. Thus began the greatest challenge of my young life.

Adult Sheldon: I had survived a perilous trip to the accessory store, but it turned out, the real accessory was me.

Mary: So, good news. Paige is gonna spend the weekend with us.
Adult Sheldon: My history with Paige brought up complicated feelings. She challenged me. She disturbed me. She enraged me. Things were simpler for my simple-minded sister.
Missy: Yay!

Adult Sheldon: Pastor Jeff and Officer Robin finally had their ceremony, which was nice for them, but meant I had to go to church on a Saturday and watch old people kiss.

Adult Sheldon: Eventually, my mother relented and returned our things with a few minor adjustments.
Missy: What's The Moosewood Gang?
Mary: They solve mysteries while they learn about God.
Missy: Great.
Adult Sheldon: Georgie got his music back.
George Jr.: [as Jesus Christ Superstar plays] What the hell is this?
Adult Sheldon: And as for college, my mother and father discussed it and decided that ten was too young. So I didn't start till the ripe old age of 11. In the meantime I had the key to one sweet bathroom.

Paige: I'm bored. Let's get out of here.
Sheldon: I can't. I told my dad I'd stay here until the end of the lecture.
Paige: Okay. Be a baby. I'm leaving.
Dr. Barrett: In our case, the math yields approximately 48,000 years.
Adult Sheldon: I was most certainly not a baby. If anyone was a baby, it was she, because people who call other people babies are the real babies.
Sheldon: [WHISPERING] Wait up.

Adult Sheldon: I've never been good at sharing. I had to share a womb...
Missy: [over ultrasound video] Ow.
Sheldon: [over ultrasound video] Ow.
["Rico Suave" by Gerardo playing over headphones]
Adult Sheldon: ...a bedroom...
Missy: ♪ Rico...♪
Adult Sheldon: Even my train room had Georgie's sweaty weight bench in it.
George Jr.: Come on, George. One more. Feel the burn, big boy. Feel the burn.
Adult Sheldon: But when it came to academics, the spotlight was all mine.
President Hagemeyer: Sheldon, having you here has been a real boon to this university.
Adult Sheldon: [spotlight shines on Sheldon] I did love basking in its glow.
President Hagemeyer: So we could really use your help in raising the school's profile even higher.
Sheldon: Of course. My intellect is at your service.
President Hagemeyer: Excellent. There is another young physics prodigy we want you to help us recruit. Her name is Paige Swanson. [electricity crackles]

Adult Sheldon: I also had extraordinary hearing. During dinner, I could tune out the cacophony of chewing, slurping, chewing, cutlery scraping against plates, chewing, and my father's heavy breathing as he wrestled with a ketchup bottle.

Adult Sheldon: While my sister and I are twins, we've always been different. By the age of two, I was reading books. Missy was content to eat them. By five, I had a healthy appreciation for a well-organized work space. My sister, less so.

Adult Sheldon: For most students, the weekend represented two days of fun, freedom, and in the case of my brother, a chance to ignore all forms of hygiene. But this wasn't a typical weekend, because this was the weekend I got to do my parents' taxes.
Sheldon: Howdy do, W-2.

Adult Sheldon: At that moment, I felt a subtle heat rising through my body. I was used to being humiliated by my siblings on a daily basis, but from my mother? This was new territory.

Adult Sheldon: The yips are a cruel mistress. But thanks to a magical man with a halo of curls, I was finally able to relax and get out of my own head. [soft voice] Instead of freezing up, I thought about happy integers, fluffy little formulas and a sweet Bessel function that just wants me to do my very best.
Sheldon: Done.
Dr. Linkletter: Great, I can still make my doubles match. Get out.

Adult Sheldon: During that time, I saw three cars drive by and a raccoon dragging a slice of pizza.

Adult Sheldon: There were plenty of reasons to be happy my sister moved out. She snored, she teased me. She left her dirty clothes everywhere. Clearly, I was better off without her.
[After Sheldon lays awake looking at the boxes where Missy's bed used to be, he goes and knocks on her bedroom door. Missy opens the door:]
Sheldon: Can I sleep on your floor?
Missy: Come on.

Adult Sheldon: As long as humans have been on Earth, they've had to contend with viruses. And as long as I've been on Earth, I've come up with fun ways to avoid them.
[flashback:]
Dr. Linkletter: I've heard so much about you. [offers hand]
Sheldon: Apparently not how I feel about shaking hands.
Adult Sheldon: I wear personal protective equipment...
[flashback to Sheldon putting on mittens at the dinner table]
[flashback to Sheldon wearing an astronaut suit in his bubble:]
Mary: You come here right this instant.
Adult Sheldon: ...and I was social distancing before it was cool. But in the early '90s, a new type of virus became prevalent. One that no amount of hand-washing could stop. A computer virus.
Sheldon: Oh, no.
Adult Sheldon: But let's back up and begin this story in a simpler time, before an insidious infection had upended my life.

Adult Sheldon: Before that disembodied voice on AOL started saying, "You've got mail," we relied on my mom.
Mary: Shelly, you've got mail!
Adult Sheldon: Some mail brought great joy.
Sheldon: Greetings, Mr. Spock.
Adult Sheldon: Some mail brought pain.
Mary: George, you got jury duty!
George Sr.: Tell 'em I died!
Adult Sheldon: And one time, mail caused a war between neighbors rivaling that of the Klingon Empire and the Federation, which trust me was a doozy.

Adult Sheldon: And finally, a close encounter of the third kind, physical contact with a member of the canine species.