Sheldon: Poor naked wretches, whereso'er you are, that bide the pelting of this pitiless storm.
How shall your houseless heads and unfed sides, your looped and windowed raggedness defend you from seasons such as these? Oh, I've ta'en too little care of this. Take physic, pomp. Expose thyself to feel what wretches feel, that thou may shake the superflux to them and show the heavens more just.
Mr. Lundy: Holy mackerel.

Sheldon: Mr. Givens, a moment of your time?
Mr. Givens: [SIGHS HEAVILY]
Sheldon: I'm curious about more cost-effective methods of generating electricity.
Mr. Givens: And?
Sheldon: And I came to you. Go.
Mr. Givens: Well, there's fossil fuels, like oil and coal.
Sheldon: Too dirty.
Mr. Givens: Oh. Hydro?
Sheldon: Too wet.
Mr. Givens: Solar?
Sheldon: With this fair skin? Next.
Mr. Givens: Wind?
Sheldon: You know what the problem with wind is. It's too reliant on wind. I think I'm looking for something a little more indoors.
Mr. Givens: How about nuclear power? It's clean and efficient and very safe, until something goes horribly wrong.
Sheldon: That could work.
Mr. Givens: Oh. Goody. Are we done?
Sheldon: Almost. I have one last question about nuclear reactors.
Mr. Givens: What?
Sheldon: How do I build one? Go.
Adult Sheldon: Spoiler alert. He didn't know.

George Sr.: Hey, here's a funny prank you can try tonight. When Tam falls asleep, put some shaving cream in his hand and then tickle his nose.
Sheldon: Why?
George Sr.: 'Cause then he'll go to, you know, scratch his nose, and he gets shaving cream on his face.
Sheldon: And then what?
George Sr.: Well that - that's it.
Sheldon: But I'm a guest in their home, and that doesn't seem like a very good way to repay their kindness.
George Sr.: Never mind.
Sheldon: And what if the shaving cream gets in his eyes? That would sting.
George Sr.: Sorry I mentioned it.
Sheldon: Also, I didn't bring my own shaving cream. I'd have to use his dad's, and that-
George Sr.: Forget it!

Adult Sheldon: No surprise, despite my adamant protest, I didn't go home.
Instead, I had to stay and suffer in silence like the Southern gentleman my mother raised me to be.
Sheldon: What's this? I asked for red.
Nurse Pryor: All they had was green.
Sheldon: Well, then you and I have a problem, don't we?

George Sr.: All right, now, don't wander off. Pick you up right after the lecture's over.
Sheldon: Bye.
George Sr.: You gonna be okay by yourself?
Sheldon: I actually prefer it.
George Sr.: Yep. I'm leaving.
Sheldon: You keep saying that, but then you don't do it.
George Sr.: Bye.
Sheldon: He's so needy.

Ricky: Yeah, they're gonna put a patch on it.
Sheldon: And then it just stays there forever?
Ricky: Yeah, like a Band-Aid you never have to pull off.
Sheldon: That's great, because that's the worst thing about Band-Aids. [Ricky chuckles] They may have removed my gallbladder, but not my wicked sense of humor.

Sheldon: Excuse me, I was hoping to purchase some practical joke paraphernalia so that I may behave childishly.
Glenn: Rack in the corner.
Sheldon: Thank you. "If it's funny, it's a Bazinga." Interesting.

Principal Petersen: [screams]
Sheldon: [screams]
Principal Petersen: What are you doing, standing there?
Sheldon: I wrote a formal complaint letter to the school board on how much money is spent on football. I was hoping you could deliver it to them.
Principal Petersen: You do realize your father's a coach here.
Sheldon: Yes, sir, I do.
Principal Petersen: Maybe you ought to talk to him about this first.
Sheldon: I did. He didn't care for the idea at all.
Principal Petersen: Well, there you go.
Sheldon: There I go what?
Principal Petersen: Let me see that. "Barbaric sport encourages bloodlust similar to Roman gladiator games Christians, lions money better spent on science and learning." You're joking, right?
Sheldon: Did you see the word "bazinga" anywhere in that letter?
Principal Petersen: Out.

Mary: Aw, baby. I'm so sorry you're havin' to deal with this.
Sheldon: It's okay. German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche said, "That which does not kill us makes us stronger."
Mary: And do you feel stronger?
Sheldon: [contemplating] No.

Sheldon: I can't find an umbrella.
Mary: What do you need an umbrella for? It's gonna be hot and sunny.
Sheldon: I think you've answered your own question.

Sheldon: Are there any Vietnamese superheroes?
Tam: There's one called Half-Face.
Sheldon: Why?
Tam: The communist government forced him to build bombs, and one blew off half his face.
Sheldon: The left half or the right half?
Tam: The bottom half.
Sheldon: That's an important half.

Sheldon: Sorry I'm late. Shalom.

Missy: How was your chicken?
Sheldon: Not bad. The dish soap gave it a nice lemony flavor.

Sheldon: I was shocked to learn that the Happy Hearth Home Bakeries had been bought out by the Domestic Food Corporation, and they started making their bread faster and cheaper.
Anchor: And you don't like that, do you?
Sheldon: No.
Anchor: And you're collecting signatures to make them stop.
Sheldon: I am. Corporations shouldn't be allowed to make these decisions on their own.
Anchor: Well, who should?
Sheldon: The people who eat the bread. This wouldn't happen if there were centralized control over all these big corporations.
Anchor: Are you suggesting a communist form of government in Texas?
Sheldon: I suppose I am.
Meemaw: Hang on a sec-
Anchor: There you have it. Local boy Sheldon Cooper says communism is what Texas needs.
George Sr.: Oh, dear God.

Mrs. Costello: Um, how about MIT in Boston?
Sheldon: Do they have a strong physics program?
Mrs. Costello: They're more of an engineering school.
Sheldon: Next.

Sheldon: [on the phone] So if I don't actually look at the letter, legally I'm in the clear? Thank you. This has been very helpful. And if in the future, you have any physics questions, Janice has my info.

Mrs. Costello: Are you interested in applying to a safety school in case you don't get in?
Sheldon: Safety school. You're funny.

Sheldon: Do you think I can make it from one end of the college campus to the other in under ten minutes, including a bathroom break?
Mary: I don't know. How important is the bathroom break?
Sheldon: Very. The class schedules are designed for fully-grown bladders, and mine is child-sized.
Mary: Then don't put your classes so close together.
Sheldon: Well, it's either this or I move my labs to Tuesday afternoons.
Mary: Is that bad?
Sheldon: Yes. That's when Professor Proton is on.
Mary: Well, we'll tape it, and you can watch it later.
Sheldon: But what if I have a lot of homework and can't get to it until the next day and one of the kids in my class spoils the episode for me?
Mary: Sheldon, has anyone ever spoiled Professor Proton for you?
Sheldon: No.
Mary: Has anyone even talked to you about Professor Proton?
Sheldon: Do you count?
Mary: No.
Sheldon: Then no.

Sheldon: Well?
Randall: Do you even have a resume?
Sheldon: No, but I have a report card that'll knock your socks off.

Paige: Your neighbors let you hang out with them?
Sheldon: I'm basically the social glue of our floor.