Sheldon: Well?
Randall: Do you even have a resume?
Sheldon: No, but I have a report card that'll knock your socks off.

Missy: That was pathetic.
Sheldon: It was. I'm not sure I'm cut out for these antics and shenanigans.
Missy: I guess you're gonna grow up to be a weirdo.
Sheldon: I suppose I am. Life is so confusing. I always hoped it would be easier for me when I grew up, but now I'm not so sure it will.
Missy: It's gonna be all right. [LOUD FLATULENCE SOUND] You were faking?
Sheldon: Bazinga.

Sheldon: Hello, um, Meemaw, this is Sheldon. If you were home, I was going to say, "Is Mr. Wall there?" And then you would say, "No." And then I would say, "Is Mrs. Wall there?" And then you would say, "No." And then I would say, "Well, if there are no walls, then how does your roof stay up?" Um, okay. Bazinga.

Sheldon: Excuse me, I was hoping to purchase some practical joke paraphernalia so that I may behave childishly.
Glenn: Rack in the corner.
Sheldon: Thank you. "If it's funny, it's a Bazinga." Interesting.

Meemaw: Maybe you got a little crush on her.
Sheldon: Do you want me to kick your seat?
Meemaw: I don't know, Moonpie. I'm still thinking it might be jealousy.
Sheldon: Give me one reason why I would be jealous.
Meemaw: Well, Dr. Sturgis means a lot to you, and now he's paying attention to somebody else. You're used to being the only smart kid around, and now there's another. Oh, and there's the possibility-
Sheldon: I said one reason, thank you.

Adult Sheldon: Nihilists believe that there's no point to anything, because it all ends in nothingness.
Missy: Mind if I put on MTV?
Sheldon: Doesn't matter. We're all gonna die anyway.
Missy: Deep thought, dingus.

Dr. John Sturgis: In my dreams, I'm usually running for my life from a giant praying mantis.
Sheldon: That's the insect where the female eats the male after mating?
Dr. John Sturgis: It is.
Sheldon: I think I understand why you're not married.

Sheldon: There's no telling who could buy that house! What if they have dogs? What if they have birds? What if they have both and the birds learned to bark like dogs?
Mary: Sheldon, you're gettin' yourself all worked up.
Sheldon: For good reason... that house is six feet away from my bedroom window. Who knows what kind of smells could jump the gap? Uh, cigarette smoke, a scented candle, a durian?
Mary: What's a durian?
Sheldon: A vile-smelling fruit of the genus Durio.
Mary: When did you smell that?
Sheldon: I haven't, and I'd like to keep it that way.
Mary: It might be nice. It might be a family with kids your age.
Sheldon: I already live with a kid my age... not a fan!

Sheldon: I may not look it, but I'm the future of physics, so just move on.

Rabbi Schneiderman: Hello, this is Rabbi Schneiderman. To whom am I speaking?
Sheldon: Hello, this is Sheldon Cooper.
Rabbi Schneiderman: Hello, Sheldon. Um, how can I help you?
Sheldon: I'm currently a Baptist and I'd like to convert to Judaism.
Rabbi Schneiderman: A Baptist named Sheldon. Okay. And why do you want to convert?
Sheldon: Very simple. It's my intention to become a great scientist and I couldn't help but notice most of the great scientists are Jewish, so logic dictates it's time to switch teams.
Rabbi Schneiderman: Well, I'm sure there are many Baptist scientists you could emulate.
Sheldon: That's kind of you to say, but other than Cornelius Drebbel in the 1500s, it's pretty slim pickings.
Rabbi Schneiderman: Well, Sheldon, you sound like a very smart young man.
Sheldon: Oh, you have no idea.

George Jr.: Sheldon.
Sheldon: Oh. Hi, Georgie.
George Jr.: Why was Veronica Duncan hugging you?
Sheldon: I'm tutoring her in trigonometry.
George Jr.: And that gets you hugs?
Sheldon: Thanks to me, she got her first C-minus. Just between us, she's a little slow.
George Jr.: That's not what I heard.
Sheldon: What did you hear? Is she secretly clever? Because if she is, I completely missed it.

Ricky: Yeah, they're gonna put a patch on it.
Sheldon: And then it just stays there forever?
Ricky: Yeah, like a Band-Aid you never have to pull off.
Sheldon: That's great, because that's the worst thing about Band-Aids. [Ricky chuckles] They may have removed my gallbladder, but not my wicked sense of humor.

Sheldon: Well, have a great day, Georgie.
George Jr.: A great day? Are you out of your mind? Our lives are over.
Sheldon: Well, you'll never have a great day with that attitude.

Sheldon: I can't find an umbrella.
Mary: What do you need an umbrella for? It's gonna be hot and sunny.
Sheldon: I think you've answered your own question.

George Sr.: So, Dr. Sturgis, Sheldon tells us you're a guest professor at the university.
Dr. John Sturgis: I am.
Mary: Hmm. Does that mean that you're only here temporarily?
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, that's the plan for now. But I could be enticed to stay.
Sheldon: Meemaw, I do believe there was subtext there. Did you pick up on it?
Meemaw: Yeah.
Sheldon: Was I correct to infer there was subtext there?
Dr. John Sturgis: You were.
Sheldon: Okay, we're all good.

Missy: Interesting.
Sheldon: What does it say? No, don't tell me. Okay, tell me. No, don't!
Missy: Sheldon, if I tell you but you never look at it, then you didn't break the law, right?
[later:]
Janice: [answers phone] Law offices of Morris, Morris & Yorn. Janice speaking.
Sheldon: [on the phone] Hello. I'd like to speak to either Morris, Morris or Yorn.
Janice: May I ask what it is in regard to?
Sheldon: Well, I was slicing a hot dog...

Missy: Fish are kind of boring.
Sheldon: I know, isn't it great?

Paige: Well, I think my parents are getting a divorce.
Sheldon: Why?
Paige: They fight all the time.
Sheldon: About what?
Paige: Mostly me.
Sheldon: Hmm. That's too bad. I guess I'm lucky.
Paige: Why?
Sheldon: I'm the glue that holds our family together.

Sheldon: Okay, I enjoy Mr. Data, but he's clearly just a Spock rip-off. [all murmuring]
Nathan: Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Data wants to be more human, Spock wants to be less human. How is that the same?
All: Yeah!
Sheldon: Well, I think we can all agree that William Shatner is the better actor. [others murmuring in agreement]
Nathan: Patrick Stewart is classically trained. He's a member of the Royal Shakespeare Company.
Sheldon: He's too subtle. When William Shatner plays an emotion, my shoe can tell what it is. [murmuring, laughter]
Mr. Givens: Well, if you like big acting, [with accent]: have I got a show for you, dear boy. [silence]
Nathan: And Kirk is a terrible captain. He always puts the ship in danger. Picard would never do that.
Sheldon: Oh, I'm sorry, I guess Picard never got assimilated by the Borg.
All: Oh, yeah.
Adult Sheldon: Our verbal fisticuffs may have seemed unfriendly, but the truth is, we were engaged in a glorious tribal dance, like the revelers at Daytona Beach.
Nathan: I will admit, Wesley Crusher is the worst.
Sheldon: Now you're knocking Wil Wheaton. He's the best part of the show.
Nathan: He's an annoying know-it-all.
Sheldon: [scoffs] Yeah, that's what makes him lovable.

Sheldon: Excuse me, Ms. Hutchins?
Ms. Hutchins: Hey, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Can you recommend any books on overcoming phobias?
Ms. Hutchins: That's in the self-help section. Follow me, I have read them all. Any phobia in particular?
Sheldon: Dogs.
Ms. Hutchins: Ah, cynophobia. That's a good one. Did you know there's over 50 million dogs just in the United States alone?
Sheldon: That's 50 million too many.