Sheldon: [on the phone] So if I don't actually look at the letter, legally I'm in the clear? Thank you. This has been very helpful. And if in the future, you have any physics questions, Janice has my info.

Sheldon: I started working on this presentation to address specific ethical dilemmas. The laws of robotics, whether torture can be justified, and cloning people for fun and spare parts. But I realized before resolving any of these moral quandaries, the real decision is who gets to decide. Do we put it up for a vote? Does everyone get to decide for themselves? Should it be by committee? Is that committee elected or appointed? You see where I'm going? You probably don't. For the smartest decision, we need the smartest person. Ladies and gentlemen, in the field of scientific ethics, we can't rely on democracy or plutocracy. We need an autocracy, or to be more precise, a "Sheldocracy." [slams fist] [military march plays]
Dr. John Sturgis: Um, I don't think this was the assignment.
Sheldon: Sorry, Dr. Sturgis, I pick the assignments now. Everybody, for next class, I want 500 words on what you can do to further the Sheldocracy. Punishment for typos will be severe.
Dr. John Sturgis: Class dismissed.
Sheldon: Hey, that's my line.
Dr. John Sturgis: No, it isn't.
Sheldon: Why don't you see me after class. Class dismissed.

Principal Petersen: Our next young speaker needs no introduction, but that didn't stop him from writing one and making me read it. [laughter] "Fun fact." [audience groans, murmurs] I hear you. "The word 'valedictorian' is from the Latin 'valedicere,' meaning 'to say farewell.' It is primarily used in the United States, Canada, the Philippines and Armenia." Maybe that fact's more fun in Armenia. Please welcome your valedictorian, Sheldon Cooper.
Mary: Yay, Shelly!
Sheldon: Hello. I'm not very comfortable speaking in front of crowds. But there's a technique to reduce stage fright by focusing on one person in the audience and delivering your speech just to them. That's what I'll be doing today. If it weren't for this person, I wouldn't be here right now. They've taught me a lot, and it's by their example that I found the courage to move forward into this new and exciting chapter of my life. Missy... ...this is for you. Change can be scary, but I know we're going to be fine... ...because like you said, "It's okay to be scared. We just have to do it anyway." So if any of my fellow graduates are nervous about the future, know that you're not alone. I suggest you all try to be as brave as my twin sister. That's my plan. Missy, I wish I could give you advice about middle school, but I was so smart, I skipped it. If you make it to high school, we'll talk. Thank you. [applause]

Mary: You understand that some people are going to be intimidated by you, because of how smart you are?
Sheldon: Or maybe they'll recognize my intellect and make me their leader.

Mary: So, George is mad at me, and Sheldon is mad at me, and... honestly, I'm mad at me, too.
Brenda Sparks: Will you please give yourself a break? All that you do for that family, I am surprised you didn't crack years ago.
Mary: How do you handle it all?
Brenda Sparks: I'm sitting in a chicken coop drinking a wine cooler at 11:00 a.m.... clearly, I don't.

[on the "Why Sheldon Cooper Should Go to College" tape:]
Ms. Ingram: Honestly... teaching Sheldon is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. And I don't say that because he can be a pain. I say that because he's so intelligent, I had to study every night just to keep up. I'm gonna miss him.

Missy: Interesting.
Sheldon: What does it say? No, don't tell me. Okay, tell me. No, don't!
Missy: Sheldon, if I tell you but you never look at it, then you didn't break the law, right?
[later:]
Janice: [answers phone] Law offices of Morris, Morris & Yorn. Janice speaking.
Sheldon: [on the phone] Hello. I'd like to speak to either Morris, Morris or Yorn.
Janice: May I ask what it is in regard to?
Sheldon: Well, I was slicing a hot dog...