George: I'm sorry, I-I just needed a break from your mother.
Mary: Yeah, well, you took a break from your family. How long is this feud between you two gonna go on?
George: That's up to her.
Mary: You are both such stubborn donkey butts! [Missy laughing] Missy, go to bed!
Missy: You don't know it's me.

Mary: I know you like to just keep driving, and get where you're going, but you can't ignore his bathroom schedule.
George: I know.
Mary: He goes number one first thing in the morning, then again in the afternoon, once more in the late afternoon, say 4:00/4:30, depending on his juice intake, and then, a quick piddle before bedtime.
George: "Piddle". Got it.
Mary: Now, number two's a little trickier.

Mary: Did you hear that?
George: What?
Mary: Sounds like Georgie and Sheldon are getting along.
George: Really? That can't be right.
Mary: I just heard it.
George: Maybe there's hope for those two after all.
Mary: Or it's a sign of the apocalypse.

Mary: God, please give me the strength to not spread this juicy gossip about Pastor Jeff.

Mary: Baby, what's wrong?
Sheldon: I tried to pet Fish! Ah, he was so slimy!
Mary: Well, yeah, he's a fish.

George: Um, I need to tell you something.
Mary: What did you do?
George: When Sheldon was doing our taxes, he noticed a missing check.
Mary: What did you do?
George: Before I answer, do you trust me enough to understand it was for a good reason and j-just leave it at that?
Mary: What did you do?

Mary: But Sheldon's already self-conscious about being different from other kids. I worry how this might affect him.
George: You're being too protective. He's a rock.
Mary: A rock? Are we raising the same child?

Dr. Sandra Thorpe: Was there anything unusual about your pregnancy?
Mary: No, not that I remember.
George: Really? You cried for, like, seven months.
Mary: Those were tears of joy. [WEAK LAUGH]
George: What about all those times you punched me?
Mary: Punches of joy.

[Mary sobbing]
George: Hey, what what's wrong?
Mary: Nothing. Keep going.
[Mary's crying intensifies]
George: Mary?
Mary: George, I just miss my little boy so much, and he's never gonna come back 'cause he doesn't need his mama.
George: Oh, baby, of course he'll come back.
Mary: No, you should've seen how happy he was.
George: All right, well, still got Georgie and Missy.
[Mary starts wailing]

Pastor Jeff: "Life is too short to be married to a loser. I'm leaving you. Love, Selena."
Mary: "Love, Selena"? Well, that's kind of a mixed message.

Sheldon: Good news. I found a way to take a break from science.
Mary: That's great. What is it?
Sheldon: A fantasy book series called The Lord of the Rings.
Mary: Well, it's got "the Lord" in it. That's something.

Georgie: What's for dinner?
Mary: Meatloaf.
Georgie: Oh. I think I'm gonna go out to eat.
Mary: No, you are not. We're having dinner as a family.
Georgie: Yeah, but I got money now and I can do what I want. And what I want is a chimichanga at Chi-Chi's.
Missy: I want a chimichanga from Chi-Chi's.
Meemaw: They do have a good margarita.
Mary: [to Georgie] You are eating here. [Missy] So are you. [Meemaw] I don't care what you do.

Sheldon: Where are you going?
Mary: To the cemetery to visit your dad. [sighs] I don't suppose you want to join me?
Sheldon: He's not there.
Mary: I know he's not there, he's in heaven. Because he got baptized.
Sheldon: Hmm. Kudos on the rhetorical ambush. Although, if he's in heaven, why are you going to the cemetery? Ha, gotcha.
Mary: Sheldon, if you don't believe in baptism, what's the harm?
Sheldon: The harm? You're asking me to get in a big tub of un-chlorinated human filth.
Mary: Peg cleans it.
Sheldon: Does she?
Mary: Peg says she cleans it. And if that is what is stopping you, I will personally scrub it out.
Sheldon: Mother, I can't be a hypocrite. This ritual is just superstitious nonsense to make you feel better.
Mary: And you taking all your things to college isn't just to make you feel better?
Sheldon: [scoffs] You are on your game today.
Mary: That mean you'll get baptized?

George: We can't keep putting up with this behavior. We need to ground him.
Mary: How? If you say "No playing outside," he says, "Thank you."

Georgie: What are you eating?
Sheldon: An English muffin with ketchup and spray cheese.
Georgie: No fair.
Missy: Lucky.
Mary: Sorry I spent an hour making meatloaf.