Pastor Jeff: We don't even sleep in the same bed anymore.
Mary: In the '50s, people had separate beds. Lucy and Ricky did it. Their marriage worked.

Mary: Ooh. Big TV, fancy.

Officer Robbin: Are you his wife?
Mary: Oh, no, I'm church secretary. He's actually single.
Pastor Jeff: Well, technically-
Mary: He's single.

Mary: Have you heard from Dr. Sturgis at all?
Meemaw: No. Can you believe the hospital's still holding him for observation?
Mary: Can't you?

Meemaw: I mean, I'm worried about him. I don't know how serious this is.
Mary: The whole year you were together did you see any, um warning signs?
Meemaw: No. Not really. I just thought he was another, [chuckles] you know, cute, quirky egghead like Sheldon. Speaking of which, when are you gonna tell Sheldon the truth about John?
Mary: Mm. When the time is right.
Meemaw: So he still thinks he's being treated for mono?
Mary: I had to come up with something contagious so he wouldn't want to visit.

Edwin: Okay. What do we got here? Farmhouse Kitchen. Garfield Hangs Out. The Complete Guide to Your Child's Mental-
Mary: Oh, look, that cute little book light I'll get that, too. [chuckles nervously]
Edwin: Okay. You still want the crazy kid book, right?
Mary: Yeah.

Sheldon: I don't see the point of this.
Mary: I just don't think it could hurt for us to talk to someone.
Sheldon: But I could be home right now wearing a blindfold, mittens and nose plug - doing something important.
Mary: You know what? Maybe you should mention the blindfold and mittens to the doctor.
Sheldon: Or maybe I'll mention how you think that God speaks to you, because I find that concerning.
Mary: He does speak to me, and right now he's saying I should wash your mouth out with soap.
Sheldon: Violent fantasies. Interesting.

Mary: [on the phone] Everything okay?
George Sr.: Sheldon locked himself in a broom closet, and he's refusing to go to class.
Mary: What's he doing in a closet?
George Sr.: Apparently, learning about Russia.
Mary: Well, what do you want me to do?
George Sr.: I want you to handle it.
Mary: You're right there why can't you handle it?
George Sr.: 'Cause I'm at work.
Mary: So am I.
George Sr.: You know what I mean.
Mary: That you have a real job and I don't?
George Sr.: Mary, I have football practice in ten minutes, and I I don't have time to deal with this.
Mary: Well, you're gonna have to, 'cause I'm busy. [hangs up]
Peg: You tell him, sister.

Mary: I thought you were gonna take out the garbage.
George Sr.: I'm sorry. I was under the impression you did everything around here.
Mary: You really want to start this again?
George Sr.: I contribute plenty, and it wouldn't kill you to show a little appreciation.
Mary: I'll be sure to do that as soon as I finish the laundry, the dishes, the vacuuming, the grocery shopping and helping Missy with her homework.
George Sr.: You like how my job pays for all the bills, right?
Mary: Stop acting like you're the only one with a job.

George Sr.: How'd you like to go out for dinner on Friday? Just you and me.
Mary: Why?
George Sr.: 'Cause you're my wife.
Mary: I was your wife last Friday, and we didn't go to dinner.
George Sr.: Mary, I'm asking you on a date.
Mary: Okay.
George Sr.: [chuckles] Is that a yes?
Mary: Sure.
George Sr.: All right, then.
Mary: If you did something stupid, I'm gonna find out.

Mary: I suppose there's a challenging aspect to them.
George Sr.: There you go. See? Feels good to say it out loud, right?
Mary: Maybe a little.
George Sr.: Hey. Think about how clean the house would be if it was just us.
Mary: Oh, my. [chuckling] So, what did they do in the bathroom?

Frank: Is it okay to set this down?
Sheldon: I'm a little busy. Could you come back later?
George Sr.: Sheldon, I'm hungry.
George Jr.: Let's just sit over there.
Mary: No. We're gonna eat together as a family.
Sheldon: Instead of electricity, we'll have magnetricity.
Frank: It's getting heavy.
Mary: We'll be right over here if you need us.
George Sr.: Let's go.
Missy: Bye, ladybug.

George Sr.: That one had some zip on it.
Missy: Zip's a good thing, right?
George Sr.: Yes.
Missy: So it looks like I know what I'm doing?
George Sr.: Just like a pro.
Missy: But like a lady pro?
George Sr.: Oh, yes. Very much.

Mary: Just be on your best behavior. And if you're not sure if you should say something, do not say it.

Dr. John Sturgis: Hello!
Mary: Come in.
Dr. John Sturgis: So, uh, Connie is, uh, okay with my being here?
Mary: Don't worry about it or, you know, mention it.

George Jr.: Where's Meemaw?
George Sr.: Not here tonight.
George Jr.: Why?
Sheldon: As I understand it, now that Dr. Sturgis is back from the hospital, he and Meemaw are figuring out how their relationship is going to work.
Missy: What does that mean?
George Jr.: Sounds like she dumped him.
George Sr.: Actually, he's the one-
Mary: Sheldon, didn't you want to talk about science stuff?
Sheldon: Yes.
Mary: Good. Do that right now.

Sheldon: Is it difficult to see your mother go out with men who aren't your father?
Mary: Wow. That's a big one. Um I suppose it took some getting used to, but she's a grown-up, and even though Pop-Pop passed away, she deserves to be happy.
Missy: Just so you know, I'd be happy with one American Girl doll.
Mary: And we're done.

Dr. John Sturgis: Well, hello, Sheldon. Hello, Mary. I don't think I've ever seen you here before.
Mary: It's my first time.
Sheldon: I took her on a tour.
Mary: It was extremely thorough.

Dr. John Sturgis: So, uh, how's Connie?
Sheldon: Actually...
Mary: Sheldon, why don't you go save me a seat?
Sheldon: Smart. The front row is a hot ticket.
Mary: Anyway, uh, Mom's good.
Dr. John Sturgis: Because she's usually the one who brings Sheldon.
Mary: Well, she's been pretty busy lately.

Meemaw: I need coffee.
Mary: You need a shower.