George Jr.: What's for dinner?
Mary: Meatloaf.
George Jr.: Oh. I think I'm gonna go out to eat.
Mary: No, you are not. We're having dinner as a family.
George Jr.: Yeah, but I got money now and I can do what I want. And what I want is a chimichanga at Chi-Chi's.
Missy: I want a chimichanga from Chi-Chi's.
Meemaw: They do have a good margarita.
Mary: [to Georgie] You are eating here. [Missy] So are you. [Meemaw] I don't care what you do.

Mary: God, please give me the strength to not spread this juicy gossip about Pastor Jeff.

Mary: What on Earth did you say to Missy?
Meemaw: Why? What'd she do now?
Mary: Nothing, she was an angel. I dropped her off at school, and she hugged me in front of her friends.
Meemaw: Really?
Mary: And not just any friends. Heather M. was there, and that is a big deal.
Meemaw: I just gave her a little life advice.
Mary: Like what?
Meemaw: Nothing, just grandma stuff.
Mary: There you go again, being the good guy.
Meemaw: Mary, you need to know you're doing a fantastic job with those kids.
Mary: You really mean that?
Meemaw: I really do.
Mary: Thanks. I can't remember the last time someone said I was a good mom.
Meemaw: It's not a job that gets a lot of compliments.

Mary: Really? It was his first attempt at taxidermy. He was so proud.
Meemaw: If it has sentimental value to you, I'll let you have it for five dollars.
Mary: Ooh. For this nasty thing?

Meemaw: Hang on, y'all are trying to scare people into joining the church?
Mary: Yeah. But people like getting scared on Halloween anyway. Why not make 'em jump in the right direction?
Sheldon: Actually, fear has been a recruiting tactic used by organized religion for centuries. When you add guilt to keep people in line, it's an extremely efficient form of crowd control.
Mary: Our religion is based on love, Sheldon, not fear.
Sheldon: So what happens when people don't follow the rules?
Mary: They burn in hell. Because God loves 'em.

Mary: Shelly, I understand you enjoy researching things.
Sheldon: Love it.
Mary: But it's important to keep in mind that there is only one true God.
Sheldon: That's called monotheism. I have a book about it if you're interested.
Mary: That's okay, I have the book about it.
Sheldon: Would you be angry with me if I don't pick your religion?
Mary: I could never be angry with you. You be a seeker of your own truth.
Sheldon: Thanks, Mom.
Mary: And if the truth turns out to be Satan, I will do battle with him.

Mary: Shelly, you okay?
Sheldon: No.
Mary: You want to talk about it?
Sheldon: No.
Mary: You want me to leave you alone?
Sheldon: No. I thought Libby and I were equals, but she thinks of me as a child.
Mary: I'm sorry, baby.
Sheldon: Calling me that isn't helping right now.
Mary: Right. Sorry.

Meemaw: What's that about?
Mary: I'm punishing him.
Meemaw: What for?
Mary: Nothing, really. But once I got started, I couldn't stop.

Sheldon: Hey, mom, look. That girl's pregnant.
Mary: Congratulations.

George Sr.: Oh, come on. You're making it out like they were some kind of monsters. Sheldon has his own room. There's books everywhere. Even has a big old backyard he won't play in.
Mary: Aren't you forgetting somethin'?
George Sr.: What?
Mary: The underground laboratory.
George Sr.: I think it's called a finished basement, honey.
Mary: I know what I saw.

Mary: Here we go.
Brenda Sparks: Is that three beers I see?
Mary: It's girls' night out and I said I was gonna show you a good time.
Meemaw: All right, then, party girl, give us a toast.
Mary: Oh, um, well, uh... Bless these beers and the bartender who poured them.
Meemaw: Seriously?
Mary: I thought it was good.

Mary: [on the phone] Listen, I appreciate that you value Sheldon at your school.
President Hagemeyer: Love him.
Mary: But I am trying to raise him to be a well-rounded individual who will get in a car.
President Hagemeyer: Oh, I wouldn't worry about that. Academia draws all kinds of eccentrics. Yeah, we've got a biology professor who hasn't cut his nails in years. Ugh. Looks like Edward Scissorhands.
Mary: That is not what I want for my son. [sighs] Do you have children?
President Hagemeyer: No, but thanks for bringing it up.
Mary: Anyway, I would like Sheldon to function in society, and it does not help if you give him everything that he asks for.
President Hagemeyer: I'm just doing my job.
Mary: And I am just doing mine.
President Hagemeyer: Understood.
Mary: Thank you.
President Hagemeyer: Oh, and, um, in a few minutes, my assistant is gonna be dropping off a big old basket of Star Trek tapes. [chuckles] I'm afraid it's too late for me to pump the brakes on that one.

Mary: [answers phone] First Baptist of Medford. How may I bless you?
Meemaw: I thought Peg answered the phones.
Mary: Mom?
Meemaw: Yeah.
Mary: Something I can help you with?
Meemaw: No, it can wait.
Mary: You want the number to the shuttle, don't you?
Meemaw: [sighs] Yes.
Mary: Let me get that for you. Huh. Um, looking under "G" for "geezer bus," and it's not there.
Meemaw: Oh, that's hilarious.
Mary: Maybe it's under "O" for "old fogies."
Meemaw: You know, you're not being a very Christian person right now.
Mary: I have enough prayers in the bank, I can coast for a day.
Meemaw: Just give me the number!
Mary: All right. Now, remember when you call to let them know if you need any help getting up stairs.

Mary: What's going on?
Sheldon: I can't do it.
Mary: What's wrong?
Sheldon: What if there's another crash?
Mary: Baby, that's not gonna happen again.
Sheldon: You don't know that.
Mary: Sheldon, if you don't get in right now, you're going to miss school.
Sheldon: [sighs] True. [enters car]
Mary: I know you don't believe in it, but I'm gonna say an extra special prayer right now to keep us safe. Lord, please look after me and Sheldon on our drive to school... [door opens] [sighs] I'll get back to you.

Brenda Sparks: What now?
Mary: I feel like I might've overstepped my bounds last night, so I just wanted to bring you these and apologize.
Brenda Sparks: Thank you.
Mary: And I did mean it. If you ever need to talk, I'm here.
Brenda Sparks: Appreciate it.
Mary: Okay. [starts to walk off]
Brenda Sparks: It's more than Billy. Herschel moved out.
Mary: Oh, Brenda, I'm so sorry.
Brenda Sparks: Do you want to come in?
Mary: Of course.

Brenda Sparks: [answers phone] Hello?
Mary: Hey, Brenda. It's Mary.
Brenda Sparks: Oh. Hey.
Mary: Hi. I was just checking in, seeing how you're doing.
Brenda Sparks: How am I doing about what?
Mary: Well, I heard that Billy might be having a tough time at school.
Brenda Sparks: Well, you know what, he'll be fine, so thanks for calling.
Mary: Okay. Um, if there's anything I can do, or if you ever want to talk...?
Brenda Sparks: Good to know. Anything else?
Mary: Uh, no, that was it.
Brenda Sparks: Okay. Bye. [hangs up]

Mary: Bless us, Lord, for the food we are about to receive, and bless the hands that prepared it. And with school starting tomorrow, please watch over our children.
Sheldon: Pastor Jeff already covered this.
Mary: He did?
Missy: Yeah, we're good. Amen.
All: Amen.
Mary: Amen.

Mary: If you want, I can ask Missy to hang out with him, make sure things go okay.
Brenda Sparks: Absolutely not.
Mary: Why?
Brenda Sparks: That girl is cute and sassy, and has a real chance at being popular. Do not take that from her. Or me.
Mary: Popularity isn't that important.
Brenda Sparks: It is the most important. Look at us. I'm miserable. You're always worried about something. I'd like one girl around here to win.
Mary: I'm not always worried.
Brenda Sparks: It's Sheldon's first day of college, and you're not freaking out?
Mary: It's on my mind.
Brenda Sparks: Mm.
Mary: But he's been looking forward to this for a long time. I'm sure he's having a wonderful day.

Mary: Hey. How's it going?
Sheldon: Good. Did you know that Zoroaster believed in two gods?
Mary: No, I did not.
Sheldon: And the Taoists don't believe in God at all. They believe in a principle of harmony.
Mary: How very nice for them.

Clarissa: You have kids?
Mary: Three.
Clarissa: You look amazing!
Mary: Oh...
Sam: Two of 'em are twins.
Mary: I don't want to brag, but natural birth.
Jason: Whoa.
Mary: I love college. [laughs]